What's the longest time you can handle being with no contact?

[hmrambling]

I don't think it's unreasonable to hear from my SO once a day. If a day passed without contact, I would probably get worried. A week would not be okay, and weeks would definitely not be okay. I would begin asking myself how available this person is for a relationship. If they are unable to contact me for a week or for weeks, they may not be available for a relationship. My boundaries dictate that the person be available for a relationship in order for me to date her.

[snow]

There's a difference between not being able to message and not making an effort and that's what gets to me. It's not hard to take 10 seconds and be like "Hey honey I'm home, sorry couldn't message you. Been a crazy day. I love you." Especially seeing as the OP's SO is a police officer. I would be worried sick and I would be pissed off. Sorry but that wouldn't work with me. A tiny bit of effort goes a long way and if he can't/won't do that, even after you've already talked to him about it, then it's not really a good sign. :/

Mims hit the nail on the head. It would simply drive me crazy not knowing if they're still alive.

[Redheart14]

I honestly thinks she deserves better than this. If this is how he reacts during a full on time or time of crisis that's a huge red flag to me. I'd be even more concerned about the fact that she's spoken to him about it, yet he's doing it again. I wonder if the shoe were on the other foot if he'd like being the one who wasn't being responded to. Communication is vitial in any relationship let alone long distance. I think his lack of effort (esp after she spoke to him) shows he's not as committed in this relationship as her.

[TheSteelAngel]

I can go quite a bit, but that doesn't mean I enjoy it. It's hard. Really hard and the only reason I put up with it is because I strongly believe in a future in this relationship with him and I love him. Besides, I knew going into this it would be hard and the communication would be way different than anything I've previously known, so I just make sure I keep myself busy is all.

This is my exact same reason.

[TheSteelAngel]

It makes me wonder what it'd be like if they closed the distance. If he's so busy, it seems like he'd have even less time to spend with her. It'd be like co-existing in the same home. I agree that this isn't to make him look like a bad guy. I'm sure he's a good guy, but I think he is currently losing track of things, and failing at time management. I don't want to believe that he's taking her for granted. He may be, but unintentionally. It's very easy to do so when you trust your love will always be there for you.

He is doing exactly what you said. He's losing track of things unintentionally and he's just a freaking idiot. There were times where he showed initiative in this. He chased after me and fell for me first, so that's why I just don't understand why he's doing this other then him just being a freaking moron. He texted me back when I was at work today and he told me he left his phone behind on accident before he left to visit his parents -_- Yeah ok that sounds like him to be doing that, but it doesn't explain the whole rest of the week. I'm not ready to forgive him yet, not until we can finally talk about this which idk when that will be. I did talk to him before but I forgot to mention things because I'm so bad at conversation, especially when it comes to him haha. I won't mess up this time though.

[dglynn77]

TheSteelAngel: *hugs*

I do not know you, your relationship, or your SO besides what you post here.

I know that being a police officer right now is a very difficult job due to both regular job hazards and also such a low public opinion of the job lately. It must be incredibly stressful, and he could be someone who withdraws when stressed.
Or, he could realize that being the SO/wife of a police officer is terribly stressful and painful, and he is either 1. taking long amounts of time to consider whether he really wants to put you through that for love, or 2. is slowly trying to help you lose interest in order to protect you from a relationship with him, and he thinks just withdrawing randomly like this will make it an easier break for you.
I think any of the options I listed are reasonable, show he cares for you, and could come from a place of meaning well.

However, based on your posts about your relationship (and I know that there are many parts you don't post! I'm just basing this on what I've read here on LFAD) you are currently putting all the effort into this relationship. Which is understandable! You love him! But it is not fair to you. You deserve to be treated like the most special, beautiful girl in the world. You deserve someone who looks forward to talking to you even when he is stressed and exhausted. You deserve someone who misses you so bad he will MAKE a visit happen, no matter what, and even if it has to be planned a little further in the future due to current events, he will plan it and put money on it so you know he is serious about this. (without you having to tempt/promise things in order to get a visit!) You deserve someone who thinks of you: puts you ahead of himself, and makes contact even if he isn't necessarily feeling it just to let you know you are special. I know a lot of this probably sounds silly or far-fetched, like silly advice girls make up about the perfect man, but let me tell you, I've found someone who does all of these things, and since I now KNOW that men CAN communicate and make an effort, it makes me a little more skeptical of men who won't. (My husband is terribly shy, and quite a quiet man, but he knows that communication is invaluable in a relationship, and therefore works every day to communicate in order to work towards a better relationship every day.) Trust me, I've dated some of them. I've cried and lost sleep over them and couldn't understand why I wasn't good enough for them to make me feel more safe, keep in contact, show me they cared, etc. Then I realized I didn't want to spend the rest of my life fighting for someone's attention. I wanted to find someone who smiles every time he sees me, who melts into me with a long hug at the end of every stressful day, and who just wants to be with me. If you want better than what you have, it IS out there. But that first step is so scary, and you feel that you may be ruining your chances at any relationship ever if you let go.

This is not an advice to break up, TheSteelAngel. These are just thoughts from my heart as if you were my sister. I hope you can find your answer. I hope you get the communication that you personally need.

You seem to be okay with less communication, and that is ok! Everyone is so different! The problem comes in when you need a certain amount of communication and your partner refuses to give it to you. You are NOT asking for much here, you are asking for communication, which is the lifeblood of a relationship, but especially LD.

I know you have friends here to talk with, but if you ever need to talk please feel free to PM me.

*hugs* again and I hope you hear from him soon!

[whatruckus]

Snipped

Yes!!!! This!!!!!!

[TheSteelAngel]

Trimmed

Omg I'm crying! No seriously, reading this made me cry my eyes out, and I don't do that but I did. Thank you so much for this! I really appreciate this. Thank you

It's just that, I refuse to believe that he no longer cares for me anymore. I don't know what his deal is, but maybe those possibilities may be true idk. I'm scared to find out what he's gonna say, but I just want to know the truth.

[Kapwned]

Sometimes you just need to dive in and ask the questions you don't want to know the answers to. Worst case scenario he confirms the things you don't want to know. But at the same time you will need to leave it open for him to be honest in case something is bothering him. If I were you I'd say something like

"We've already talked about this and you know it really hurts me when I don't hear from you for so long. I know you said you forgot your phone but I'm wondering if there's more to it than that seeing as this also includes a period of time post visit. It just feels like lately I am putting more effort into this relationship than you are. If you want to be with me I want to be a part of your life, it doesn't matter whether I'm here or there. And if I'm going to date a guy who's in a dangerous field I need to always know he's okay. If not I will worry and every day I go without hearing from you will slowly torture me more and more, I sometimes fear it's because you were shot dead or something and that's not fair to me."

If he wants to end it with you, he will likely take an end note like that and be like "Yeah you're right it's not fair to you, you deserve better." Or he will apologize and proceed to talk it out with you.

[TeamHearts]

I cant take 1 week being away from my SO...

[Ella85]

If my boyfriend doesn't contact me by 4pm my time I start to wonder if something bad has happened unless he's previously told me he is really busy. The only times he hasn't contacted me by that time he is either really ill, his little girl is really ill or something horrible has happened. So I tend to get a bit concerned about that time and if I hadn't heard from him by 9pm my time he is getting a phone call to make sure he is still alive unless it's a work day and then I will wait up all night and then call him when he gets out... The longest we have actually gone with out talking either on the phone or voice chat on skype is a week (before we met) since we met it's been 3 days the longest when he was unwell or if his daughter is unwell. But he still texts me at least to let me know what is going on.

[Redheart14]

I saw a quote today and it made me think of this.

"No one is always busy. It depends what number you are on their priority list"

You deserve to be number one. Hopefully your SO thinks so too. But just remember you deserve better and if he's not willing to offer that then you really need to evaluate if you're wiling to settle not being first priority.

[Sheilah]

If not in the military ,there is no reason not to call, there is nothing like a loving voice. How much did he text and call when you first met.

[Mims27]

"No one is always busy. It depends what number you are on their priority list"

I LOVE this!!

[hmrambling]

At the end of the day, we teach people how to treat us. If you don't communicate that you want contact, set a boundary around when/how you want contact, and explain what the consequences will be, then you are basically saying that limited/no contact is okay.

I realize my partner has to work, has a social life, has family, etc... but there is no excuse for weeks without contact. Period. I would have some ground rules around contact. If my SO can't contact me for days on end, she is unavailable for a relationship.