Parents and family

[staruletto]

This might be in the wrong place; apologies in advance. So I've been dating my s/o for a few months now and he's started mentioning me to his brothers (what an honor!). I feel bad though.... I dont feel like I can mention him to mine. Now, it has nothing to do with me needing permission to date who I want (I'm 31 ffs) but.... My family is a bit.. Fear-mongery :s They worry about terrorists and think everyone on the Internet is a degenerate and only after one thing. I even told my mom that I'm going to Europe next summer and her reaction was pretty grim, and now she's worried I'm gonna end up in a sex-trafficking ring or something equally horrendous. If I even mention the trip she shrugs it off... "Yeah, we'll see". I even told her that I'm going with "a friend" and I did mention that he's from Norway and we've known each other a long time. I just wish I could be more open about it. Like I said, it's not a matter of permission, but more about acceptance.

Chances are if this works, I'd be moving there because he has way more family (and with the current state of affairs here in America.... I mean, let's be honest, it would be a downgrade XD) and I really don't want to pull a fast one on my mom and just.... Up and leave. If fact, if that's how it all works out I'd love to have her come visit and see the fjords

TL;DR: Has anyone else had a hard time telling their family about their LDR 's?

[Honour]

Bit extreme those concerns, but not really surprising given the way things are as of late. My dad is pretty closed-minded, but my mum's the opposite. Coupled with her casually dropping my SO's name into conversations over a span of almost 6 months now and my own intermissions about my SO, he's now gotten around his initial concern and seems to have taken to heart just how serious things are. I can only suggest something similar to you. Good luck

[ChloChlo]

I completely understand where you are coming from, staruletto. I was very nervous about mentioning my LDR to both family and friends. I wanted them to be as excited and happy as I was, and honestly, I was worried they would point out flaws in the situation and burst my bubble of optimism.

I held myself back from telling my friends about my SO until right before he came to visit me, because I was so worried they would freak out. And, well... they did. I tried to put on this nonchalant "it's no big deal" act and just dropped an info bomb that this dude I met online was flying in from another country to meet me...and they flipped out. Now that I see it from their perspective, they were right to. If one of them had told me the same thing, in the same tone (I was all "yeah so whatever this American okcupid guy is flying up to meet me lol pass the chips" and hiding how I really felt), I would have been worried as well. There's just something about it that makes you go into protective mode. The whole LDR situation is sort of intense and unusual, and I think there is still a lot of fear and stigma about "people online". And though of course your loved ones want you to be blissfully happy in life, they also want there to be no risk involved, which is impossible. They want the perfect fairytale for you, and they just don't see yet that this is what your fairytale looks like.

Funnily enough my mom was much more accepting of the situation, despite being the most intensely over-protective helicopter mom in history, because I did the opposite with her and I kept her informed of the situation much earlier. Although I half wanted to wait until it was "more serious" (I felt a bit silly telling her about my not-quite-SO-yet after only knowing him a couple of weeks because I was like "it's my own business"), I think it eased her mind a lot. I introduced her to him over video chat and told her about how we were planing a visit sooner rather than later to make sure our chemistry translated to "real life", which was a concern of mine. Although I'm also in my 30's and technically my love life is my own business, it was important to me that I not have to fight with my friends and family about my choice, or have to keep my happiness from them a secret because they don't approve. Talking honestly and frankly with her about it seemed to help a lot. I tried to put a practical, responsible spin on love and happiness, making sure she knew I was doing everything possible to both explore this relationship while being smart and staying safe.

Luckily, even if people may initially freak out, they may not stay freaked out. My friends are coming around to the idea that my SO may not, in fact, be a serial murderer. And my mom, the most paranoid woman on earth who didn't like me living on my own at 30 and hated all the guys I dated locally, actually tells me to pass on her love to my SO when I talk to him. But now it's my aunt's turn to suspect him of being a catfishy sex-trafficking monster. The circle of life!

[R&R]

That is definitely extreme reactions from your parents. I was in my first LDR at 30 (almost 15 years ago), so when the internet was just starting to come around to regular people. I've always been honest and up front with my family members about anyone I've met that way. The first time the were a little wary and I told them "I can be honest with you and tell you about him and give you all of his info so you know what's going on when I go visit or I can just not tell you and then you'll really worry. Your choice, but I'm an adult and you can support or not. If you don't, it's not going to change things on my end".

They ended up realizing it was better to have the information. So anytime I went to visit, they had names, addresses, phone numbers, where they worked, etc. I also have to call as soon as I arrive and we've met and text at least once a day on the first trip. It eases their minds and makes them feel better and it's not a big deal on my end to do that for them.

[Ella85]

Initially my family was very skeptical when I told them about my boyfriend and they tried to dissuade me saying there were so many men in England or Europe even. I had been in an LDR for 8 years previously with someone who was in the US and they were worried it'd be a repeat of the last time. However my aunt did support me being able to go in February for 2 weeks so I could meet him and everyone was much more supportive when I had actually met him. They know I have been much more careful and spent a lot more time with him this time around and he is coming to meet them in march next year which I think makes them happy. I was very nervous about telling them because I knew what their reaction would be. But I also knew without their help I wouldn't have been able to meet him so I went ahead and told them anyway.

[Tinkerbelle]

with my first LDR my parents weren't very supportive. But this time around they are strangely completely different. I think it may because he is in the same country or because I said I feel different with him than I have with other relationships and that sometimes that person that is right for you is not always near you. It is nice to have their support.

But I understand what you are going though and good luck.

[staruletto]

Thanks you guts for the responses! I'm thinking I'm gonna introduce them to each other on Skype.... In a couple months. Definitely some time before I go over there and let things be from there. Im worried about being judged for it but I guess that can't be helped. I think my mom also forgets that I'm an adult even though I've lived on my own for a long time now.

[Honour]

Thanks you guts for the responses! I'm thinking I'm gonna introduce them to each other on Skype.... In a couple months. Definitely some time before I go over there and let things be from there. Im worried about being judged for it but I guess that can't be helped. I think my mom also forgets that I'm an adult even though I've lived on my own for a long time now.

Forget about being judged, it doesn't matter what others think. Mums will always forget that their daughters are not always their little babies anymore and have an annoying tendency to be overbearing sometimes, maternal instinct lol. Skype introductions might change her outlook on things and give you less of a hard time as a result.

[differentcountries]

Norway is safer than the US https://bruegel.org/2014/09/fact-of-...lace-on-earth/

[Lycka]

I have been with my SO for two years but never mentioned that for my parents (mostly because of age difference and my age. Though the love relationship has been for one year), but have been hinted for some of my friends and sister. Not sure how much they took it serious though. And that's a thing I don't know how to bring it up, the reactions. I don't know when to bring it up and what to say either.

At least it sounds you have a plan and I wish you good luck with the relationship.

And also, Norway is more safer I guess. And has beautiful landscape

[Lycka]

I have been with my SO for two years but never mentioned that for my parents (mostly because of age difference and my age. Though the love relationship has been for one year), but have been hinted for some of my friends and sister. Not sure how much they took it serious though. And that's a thing I don't know how to bring it up, the reactions. I don't know when to bring it up and what to say either.

At least it sounds you have a plan and I wish you good luck with the relationship. If that makes you happy you should go for it.

And also, Norway is more safer I guess. And has beautiful landscape

[Hollandia]

I left the US for my Euro SO. It's not a down grade, all of Western Europe is free from drive by shootings unlike the US. Even my old upper middle class Delaware suburb was not as safe since gangs have cars and do their initiations anywhere. I have no worries going to a ATM here. It is different but it is more about cultural differences and missing certain materialistic aspects, but in no way a downgrade. You could try some modern movies about Norway and have them watch with you, it is quite modern and an amazing opportunity for an adventure for you many Americans will never get. They should know that you are not going anywhere dangerous for US citizens like Iraq, Iran or Jordan..etc. You are still just as safe from terrorists in Norway as you were in New York or LA.

Most likely your parents just don't want you to leave. Leaving US is so much more final for them than even if you moved across the USA. I still have friends and family that say, "we will get talk when you come back to USA" like being out of it would prevent this. My brother lives across the US in California from my mom and family in DE, but she only feels like I am the one she can never see. In distance me and him are not much different but for some reason it makes a big difference in her mind. Give your family time and stay consistent and skyping is a great idea. Talk about your SO, his family, his job and his likes and make him feel like more of a person and not just some Euro man that is taking you away from them. It's a hard pill to swallow but my mom and family love my SO now. A visit from him in USA made a huge difference as well. When your SO comes, have a party and let them all meet him.

[staruletto]

Sorry for rezzing an old thread but I wanted to update without making a new one! My mom is opening up to me going to EU a bit more. She's still really nervous about it, but she at leasts asks questions and doesn't just shrug me off. I just wish she didn't watch Fox news for world events, obvious agenda is obvious. ANYWAY, my plan for visiting her sunday was for her to meet my boyfriend via skype. We were talking about other things and I have another friend from the UK visiting here in the fall for an anime convention, I mentioned it and the first thing she says is "You better not be looking for a boyfriend of even thinking about moving away!", followed by a loud awkward laugh from me xD What do I even say to that?? So I did introduce them to eachother that night but.....as of right now he's a traveling companion as far as she knows. BUT, at least she knows he's an actual person, I have his address and phone number so when I'm over there I can give her that info and that seemed to make her feel better. I just wanna feel like I can be out and open about it all because there's nothing to be ashamed of here. In due time I suppose......

[Unicorn26]

I think she meant him moving to USA would be a downgrade.

Norway is defo safer that USA. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely LOVE the USA and I had a great time I'm Chicago in October. But something I did pick up on when I was there was that there is an underlying sense of tension. Everyone seems on guard and jittery. It's not until you leave the USA and feel the freedom we have as Europeans that you will realise just how bad it is over in USA.

I'm sorry your mum is worried about terrorists, there really is no need. I know we have issues in Europe at the minute but there really is nothing to fear. I was a little nervous going into big malls in USA as there are so many mass shootings over there and once when we went to downtown Chicago at night I wanted to take a walk along the lake shore but my SO said no way. He said we would probably get mugged or even shot. Crazy stuff. Over here in Europe there are places that you need to have your wits about you, same anywhere really, but on the whole it's extremely safe, chilled out and tolerant.

I'd love to go to Norway. It looks amazing.

I was friends with my SO for a year before I mentioned him to my family. My parents were wary at first but then they saw tha change in me, how happy he made me, how he built up my confidence and the emotional investment he put into me. My mum likes to play Words With Friends and he plays her at that game, she really likes that he does that. When I said I wanted to visit him they were actually really supportive. They looked after my kids for me when I went and although they would do it again, they want to meet him first so he is going to make a trip over here in the spring.

I hope your relationship is continuing to be successful and strong, I knew this thread is old now I just wanted to give you some support and perspective from someone who's been there.

[whatruckus]

Sorry for rezzing an old thread but I wanted to update without making a new one! My mom is opening up to me going to EU a bit more. She's still really nervous about it, but she at leasts asks questions and doesn't just shrug me off. I just wish she didn't watch Fox news for world events, obvious agenda is obvious. ANYWAY, my plan for visiting her sunday was for her to meet my boyfriend via skype. We were talking about other things and I have another friend from the UK visiting here in the fall for an anime convention, I mentioned it and the first thing she says is "You better not be looking for a boyfriend of even thinking about moving away!", followed by a loud awkward laugh from me xD What do I even say to that?? So I did introduce them to eachother that night but.....as of right now he's a traveling companion as far as she knows. BUT, at least she knows he's an actual person, I have his address and phone number so when I'm over there I can give her that info and that seemed to make her feel better. I just wanna feel like I can be out and open about it all because there's nothing to be ashamed of here. In due time I suppose......

Oh God, Fox News? Enough said. Tell your mom to shut the TV off and that Fox News is honestly NOT a reliable source of information...for anything. Tell her to watch Objective channels like CBS and ABC or something. Or MSNBC. Fox News exaggerates everything worse than a schizophrenic could think of.

Also, my family thinks Philly (where my SO is) is worse than NYC and Newark/Trenton/Camden/East Orange/Jersey City/Paterson up by me. So, I get what you mean. They're always worried I'm going to get murdered/raped/etc. But, it's honestly not that bad. People are always asking me how I can walk around at night in NYC and Philly, and I just tell them it's easy, you put one foot in front of the other.