Parents and family

[Miasmata]

Unfortunately my financial position means I can't move out yet. I have a job but it doesn't pay enough to rent a place. I've been told I can go to a women's refuge if I ever need it, but I'm hoping I get another job and my own place before it comes to that. It just seems too dramatic. I'm just staying with it for now until I have a plan to get out. It's quite stressful living at home though, so hoping it's sooner rather than later.

It's not really too dramatic if you need help. There is no shame in it, either. You say how you feel trapped and how your family keeps you from living the life you deserve to live - That's unacceptable. You're an adult, and you deserve to make your own choices.

It's up to you, but shelters can often be a very good help when it comes to making plans on how to get you on your own feet. Don't rule the option out.

[honeybunny]

If you're on a low income you can claim housing benefit to help towards your rent, I know it's not a lot but it sounds like your situation is bad. I'd get out if I were you, I know that's really easy for me to say and I know first hand of how religion can really run things in your life but you should not be controlled like that by your parents. You are an adult, you can make your own life choices. Support and help is out there. I wish you luck.

I have asked about housing benefit but it seemed to be really limited for a single person without children. I asked before I got together with my guy, but it's too early to move in together anyway. Maybe I need to look into it more.

It's not really too dramatic if you need help. There is no shame in it, either. You say how you feel trapped and how your family keeps you from living the life you deserve to live - That's unacceptable. You're an adult, and you deserve to make your own choices.

It's up to you, but shelters can often be a very good help when it comes to making plans on how to get you on your own feet. Don't rule the option out.

Well at least I know a refuge is an option if I need it. I have a friend who used to work in one, and I've told her about my relationship. I know she can help me out if I need it.

Thank you for all the replies. It really helps to hear from people who disagree with how my family are.

[staruletto]

Do you have any friends you can roommate with? If you can, find a friend who wants to move too and try to flat-share. Living alone is kind of rough even if you can afford it.

[honeybunny]

Do you have any friends you can roommate with? If you can, find a friend who wants to move too and try to flat-share. Living alone is kind of rough even if you can afford it.

I love being alone. I'm from a big family. I've always wanted to live alone because of that. Maybe I'm strange I dunno lol.

I got a friend to agree to receive my post from my boyfriend. Unfortunately it's not in time for him to send me the Christmas card he got for me.

[Miasmata]

Not strange at all that you are longing for your own space. Rooming is just another option to consider to help you get on your feet, it's nothing you'd have to do forever. It's just always good to have plans.

[honeybunny]

Not strange at all that you are longing for your own space. Rooming is just another option to consider to help you get on your feet, it's nothing you'd have to do forever. It's just always good to have plans.

There's house shares, where you have your own room and bathroom, but share a kitchen and living room. That's something I've looked into, but I still need to be earning more to do anything basically. I also searched for people who are looking for a roommate or lodger and the rent they wanted was as much as my own place sometimes. I thought splitting it made it cheaper? I know a refuge is always an option, but it will end up being the only one since they charge so little to stay there.

[honeybunny]

So one of my younger brothers noticed I play online with my guy more than anyone else. Obviously he doesn't know we're together, but he got really suspicious about it and told my mum. She's entirely on his side and now both of them want me not to play online with guys anymore. But it's my console, my life. I'm 28 years old and I can't have my younger brother telling me what to do. It's so ridiculous that they talked about it behind my back, decided something and told me I have to do as they say basically. And so I feel even more suffocated. I was ready to pack my bags and leave because it's just everything piled on top of each other in my mind. My boyfriend convinced me not to go to a refuge, but I can't stand being at home and people telling me how to live my life. This one incident may seem insignificant, but it's one out of many. I'm feeling really stressed out.

[Telephone]

I really, really get you. I'm 26 as of now and still living with my family; I'm a second child, the youngest, the quieter one, the "more polite" one. Throughout my life I don't think I've ever had a rebellious phase and my parents got used to telling me what to do, like and so on. It's still a huge issue, but at this point I'm "rebelling". Meaning: I don't give in. I do what I want (granted I don't make a fuss about small things), when I want. I fail sometimes, and it's ridiculous that sometimes I'll also feel guilty. I'm not religious myself and nor is my family, so I can't argue about any of that.

Still, I think what your boyfriend did - telling you not to leave the house - was the best thing he could do for you. Perhaps one day - sadly - you will have to move out and do things openly against your family's wishes, but if you do, you need to be properly prepared for that. And from what you're telling us now, you're not.

I guess my advice is: keep calm, but don't give in. Be as respectful as you can, but do your own thing. There really isn't much more to say; you already know the most important thing: that it's your life and you have the right to live it the way you want it. When I started doing that, there were furious moments between me and my family members, but it's something you just have to stick through.

[honeybunny]

I really, really get you. I'm 26 as of now and still living with my family; I'm a second child, the youngest, the quieter one, the "more polite" one. Throughout my life I don't think I've ever had a rebellious phase and my parents got used to telling me what to do, like and so on. It's still a huge issue, but at this point I'm "rebelling". Meaning: I don't give in. I do what I want (granted I don't make a fuss about small things), when I want. I fail sometimes, and it's ridiculous that sometimes I'll also feel guilty. I'm not religious myself and nor is my family, so I can't argue about any of that.

Still, I think what your boyfriend did - telling you not to leave the house - was the best thing he could do for you. Perhaps one day - sadly - you will have to move out and do things openly against your family's wishes, but if you do, you need to be properly prepared for that. And from what you're telling us now, you're not.

I guess my advice is: keep calm, but don't give in. Be as respectful as you can, but do your own thing. There really isn't much more to say; you already know the most important thing: that it's your life and you have the right to live it the way you want it. When I started doing that, there were furious moments between me and my family members, but it's something you just have to stick through.

Honestly, reading your post it was like I was reading about myself. I'm also the second child, and I didn't have a rebellious phase, until now obviously. I'm starting to dress how I want, do what I want etc. It causes some friction. But the way I see it is, let it happen and let them realise I'm not budging. In the past I would have gave in and went back to however they wanted me to be to avoid a fight. I still hate arguing and avoid it as much as possible. If someone wants to start something with me, I most often just sit there and let them yell at me, then watch them walk off because I didn't respond. It really does cut things short when one person stays quiet.

At the moment I'm not really speaking to about 3 family members. My dad because we never really got on once I started to grow up. Conversation between us is minimal. I stopped talking to my mum and one of my brothers as of yesterday. I deleted my brother off all social media, and off my phone contacts. I don't wish to hear from him in any way. I don't want a 19 year old kid telling me how to live my life. He needs to grow up and understand the world a bit more, and even then it still won't be his job to preach anything.

[pizza_heart]

I don't think a refuge is the way to go. To what i know, they are for people escaping violence and such. A lot of people get annoyed by their family situations, but it's a first world problem to think "they wont let me be on the phone with my boyfriend, im becoming a refugee". You'd be taking up a spot for someone who REALLY needs it. Don't like life at home? Save up, get a better paying job and move out.

[honeybunny]

I don't think a refuge is the way to go. To what i know, they are for people escaping violence and such. A lot of people get annoyed by their family situations, but it's a first world problem to think "they wont let me be on the phone with my boyfriend, im becoming a refugee". You'd be taking up a spot for someone who REALLY needs it. Don't like life at home? Save up, get a better paying job and move out.

I don't agree with this at all. You trivialised my situation so much. My family are very religious and dating will never be allowed. Who knows what they would do if they discovered my secret life. Look up honour based violence if you don't understand. There's more than one kind of domestic violence. Controlling someone has just recently been made a crime in the UK too.

[Telephone]

That being said, what are your plans? I don't think it's a matter of trying to belittle your situation at all. It's more along the lines of: if you know what their reaction is going to be, how are you going to battle it? Really, the best advice here (a longterm one) is to find another job, save up and move out. Are you actively looking for a better job? Saving up? It's not even a matter of LDR you're in right now; if it's so bad at home, you should move out asap for your own good.

[honeybunny]

I'm working on it. As my job doesn't pay enough I'm always applying for other jobs. Unfortunately I live in a small town which makes things worse too. Not a lot of jobs going, and as for moving away, I wouldn't begin to know where to look. A refuge would only ever be for an emergency. I'm not going to go there after an argument. I'd go only if I really needed it. My own place would be better.

[Unicorn26]

I don't think a refuge is the way to go. To what i know, they are for people escaping violence and such. A lot of people get annoyed by their family situations, but it's a first world problem to think "they wont let me be on the phone with my boyfriend, im becoming a refugee". You'd be taking up a spot for someone who REALLY needs it. Don't like life at home? Save up, get a better paying job and move out.

This girls situation is far from a first world problem. I work in housing and believe me, a refuge is an option in her situation. She is taking a huge risk by dating someone her parents don't approve of and honour killings are a real problem in certain parts of the U.K.

I feel for her, I had friends in her situation when I was a teenager living in the Midlands, one of which just simply vanished one day after an argument with her father about the way she dressed. It was not like she was even wearing anything outrageous, but we never found out what happened to her.

This is so much more than not getting on with your parents and just moving out. She may have to walk away from her whole family, forever.

[honeybunny]

This girls situation is far from a first world problem. I work in housing and believe me, a refuge is an option in her situation. She is taking a huge risk by dating someone her parents don't approve of and honour killings are a real problem in certain parts of the U.K.

I feel for her, I had friends in her situation when I was a teenager living in the Midlands, one of which just simply vanished one day after an argument with her father about the way she dressed. It was not like she was even wearing anything outrageous, but we never found out what happened to her.

This is so much more than not getting on with your parents and just moving out. She may have to walk away from her whole family, forever.

I'm having issues with my dad about how I dress too. I wear trousers and he doesn't like it. That's all. Like that girl you talked about, it's not outrageous. I was already planning on leaving before I got into a relationship because of how difficult things are. Things would be better if I left home. People tell me the grass isn't greener, but I believe things can get better.