should I be friends with ex b/c of quarantine?

[ldrbreakup]

Hi all, first time using this forum although it’s kinda late to mend things. My ex and I are the same age and we met online through mutual friends the summer of 2017. We started talking daily and by Dec 2017, we knew we had feelings for each other. We started ldr as we are a few states over from each other and agreed that we could make ldr work since we’ve previously experienced ldr before. The solution to our ldr was for him to come to my state for med school. After undergrad, he wanted to take a gap year. So be it, but the next year, he didn’t apply to any schools because his mcat score was lower than he had expected. In late 2019, he finally applied to schools but very late because he didn’t get his mcat score back yet (and med schools accept on a rolling basis). Now he has one school in my state that waitlisted him.

It’s been about 2.5 years and I honestly thought he’d be in med school sooner. I wasn’t sure if my parents would allow me to move out of state after his med school and I was expecting to have kids around 30. He keeps telling me he doesnt want me to have my hopes high for the med school to take him off the waitlist. Along with our supposed differences in life plans, I decided to ask for a breakup after a small argument. At the time I thought it’d be best to ask for a break up through an argument, rather than when the time came for us to part ways when we’re both still very in love. It was a really dumb decision because I still really love him and it hurts to know that we won’t be part of each other’s lives.

A week later, I told my mom about the break up and spoke to her about our differences in life plans and she told me to do what I think is best for the relationship. There’s no ticking time bomb that controls me, and she didn’t expect me to stay in my state forever. I was thrilled to hear that. I told him that I can wait another year to see if he’ll get into a med school in my state. He told me we should take a 2 weeks break to clear our minds and reflect on what we really want.

2 weeks of no contact (pure torture) later, we had a convo about our reflection. I still wanted the same thing but he said that things have changed since the breakup and that he doesn’t really feel motivated to get into a med school in my state anymore. And he doesn’t know if he’ll be financially stable enough to move next year. I was torn, and still am. The only way we could possibly end up together again is if he gets taken off the waitlist this year but he doesn’t want me to be hopeful. He said he’d rather save us from more sadness and anxiety for the future and just get it over with now and reassured me that distance is the only reason for the break up, nothing else.

Along with this whole coronavirus quarantine, I feel so depressed, I don’t have an appetite, and I can feel myself losing weight over this breakup. I have nowhere to go to for distractions and my family is constantly home now so I can’t even cry out my heart. Doesn’t help that I share a room... I just feel so hopeless, empty, and tired. I go into the bathroom and cry silently every day and night.

Before the 2-week break, he opened up the idea of being friends during the time of quarantine because he knows it’s tough on me to be alone. I was reluctant but decided to give it a try, but it was just so painful for me to be just friends. I am not sure which is more painful, but I really feel so helpless right now that I crave the idea of being friends with him again during quarantine. I know, it’s terrible because I still love him so much, but it’s just so unbearably lonely and depressing during this time and I can’t even distract myself. Please let me know what you guys think about our relationship/if you relate to my story/if I should stay friends or not.

tl;dr My ex and I broke up amicably due to long distance not working out but I am not sure if I should stay friends just during quarantine to keep myself sane.

[Atlantic Crossroads]

I'll be very honest in saying that reading this made me tear up.
I've been where you are, so I do know how it feels. Nothing makes sense anymore, and you're beyond miserable. The only thing that keeps you going is your memories of him. The pain is so bad that you don't want to feel anything, but trying to hold it in is exhausting in the extreme. You're living in a daze that feels totally surreal.

Does that sound right?

[ldrbreakup]

I'll be very honest in saying that reading this made me tear up.
I've been where you are, so I do know how it feels. Nothing makes sense anymore, and you're beyond miserable. The only thing that keeps you going is your memories of him. The pain is so bad that you don't want to feel anything, but trying to hold it in is exhausting in the extreme. You're living in a daze that feels totally surreal.

Does that sound right?

Yeah, it feels so surreal that I wish it was just a nightmare I could wake up from. I keep wanting to blame myself for starting this even tho he tells me it’s not my fault and that a breakup was inevitable since distance is the only thing holding us back. But I can’t help but ask ‘what if I never asked to break up, would we still have a chance a year later?’ or ‘why did I ask for a break up when I didn’t really want to?’ It’s incredibly painful and quarantine magnifies it. Thank you for understanding.

[Atlantic Crossroads]

I know exactly what you mean. It's scary how similar are scenarios are/were.

In my case, he'd been struggling for a matter of months, and he was isolating from me as he was in a pit of despair. I couldn't take the pain anymore, so I told him he'd have to break up with me, as despite how I was hurting, I couldn't leave him. So he did, and we were both miserable and I regretted it immediately. I was desperate to be together again, but he said he needed time to process everything. That was like a knife to my heart. I broke down and apologised for making him do it, and I told him it wasn't what I really wanted, just that I was out of ideas on how to handle the scenario.
I initially tried to cut him off, because I felt he would be better off alone. But his absence was like a hole in my soul and I couldn't bear the feeling of it. I added him back and told him that I couldn't be without him, so if being a friend was all he could give then I'd grab it.
We talked a lot over the next few weeks, and I kept asking the same types of questions because my heart didn't understand it. After a month I was starting to realise that I'd lost him that way for good, and I made the decision to take a week off from talking to him.

I spoke to him afterwards, and told him that I couldn't be just friends with him, because it meant denying my feelings for him which was messing me up. I ended up giving him an ultimatum, saying we could be a couple again, or I would have to move on alone.
To my surprise, he agreed to get back together.

I honestly hadn't a clue what he would say to me when I asked. I panicked after I said it, because I would've been destroyed if he'd said no. But again, I'd run out of options on how to cope with the situation. I even had a go at him for not reaching out during the week of silence. He took the wind out of my sales when he informed me that he'd sent me an email two days before that call! I had no idea, as I never check that email!
I asked what it said, and he was checking in on me, as he was worried I'd gotten covid and was in hospital!

It was a horrific time for sure. It made me long for death. I didn't just lose a partner when we split. I'd lost a friend, a soulmate, a fiance, the true love of my life, and all my hopes for the rest of my life. He'd made me think of so much that I'd never worried about before. He's changed me in so many ways, and all for the better. I love the version of me he helped shape.

So, I guess the moral of my story is to keep going. Things can still change for the better. Have faith that you will reconcile.
If it's not the end, you may feel it. That's what happened for me anyway. That was another reason I couldn't adjust. Because we didn't feel over.

[ldrbreakup]

Unfortunately in my case, I feel like he’s already set on his mind because before that 2-week break, I had tried convincing him to get back together for a few months before he knew for sure he didn’t get taken off the waitlist. I had hope, but he didn’t want to disappoint me. He said the breakup hurt him a lot and honestly I didn’t know it would hurt that much but I understand it now. It hurts a lot. And I think it’s too late to mend things. He seems sure of what he wants and he doesn’t want to try to get into a med school in my state next year.

I can only think of being friends to fill the void. Friends or without him, both are tearing me apart and idk what it is that I want because I know it’s both unhealthy.

After the breakup, he also been a lot closer to a female friend and when we tried being friends that one time, it broke me when I heard them chatting happily, him making her laugh. It still drives me nuts because even if he says he’ll never fall for her, in the back of my mind I’m comparing myself to her. She’s going to nursing school and she’s younger than me. Those alone would seem more ideal to him than I am. I’d like to think that this has nothing to do with the breakup, but I know he has friends he can lean on whereas I have no one.

[Atlantic Crossroads]

It's interesting that he told you he'd never fall for her. If he truly wanted to be apart from you why would he say that?

If I were in your shoes, I don't know what I would do. It is a case of being stuck between a rock and a hard place, really.
Perhaps a compromise of being friends, but not too close? That way you still have each other around, but you're also learning to be more independent.

I don't think that her age or occupation should be a factor at all. She's not you, so she couldn't replace you. It's about the connection you have, not who's nearby.

I got jealous in the early days, over someone who I felt had more in common with my man sexually. I doubted that he would want someone like me who didn't share his interests. She also lived in his country, which made me doubly jealous. I never actually told him about it until long after she left the scene. He reassured me then that he only saw her as a friend.

I think the fact that he still talks with you is good too.

I'm the same in a lack of friends. I have a good support network generally, but due to everything going on, I now can't see any of them. It really does have a huge impact when you're going through a split.

[ldrbreakup]

Thank you for being here to talk to me when I don’t know who to go to. I feel like no one really understands me unless they’ve been in a ldr.

I’ve spoken to my mom yesterday and she was very honest with me. She told me that I deserve it as I put him through so much pain and it scarred his heart. I agree, and I didn’t know how painful it felt until he disagreed to give it another year. It feels terrible and I never wish it upon anyone. But I did it to someone I loved, and it hurts my heart so so so much knowing that.

My mom told me to wait until July to see if fate is going to get him off the waitlist, but I don’t know if I can wait that long. I really want to just go ask if we can be friends again but she tells me that’s degrading myself. At this point, I don’t even know if it’s possible to degrade myself because I hurt him so much already.

I am also afraid of asking to be friends again and having him reject me. I don’t know how much he’s moved on and I’m scared of that happening. This last month has just been an overwhelming amount of intense emotions punched in my face. Sadness, regret, pain, frustration, confusion, uncertainty, hopeful/less, etc.

[Atlantic Crossroads]

I don't think asking the one you love to be your friend is degrading. It shows how you feel, and that you miss him.
I couldn't let my man go, so I waited painfully and impatiently, then gave him an ultimatum! But maybe I'm unusual in that regard.
There's a quote from a film I like that says "If you're not willing to sound stupid, you don't deserve to be in love."

Of course breaking up hurt him, but that doesn't mean you don't deserve to be happy. It really hinges on him, and if he can move past it and forgive you. People make mistakes all the time. Forgiveness can be difficult for some people, more so than others.
I can be pretty good at holding a grudge, but when it comes to my man, I can forgive him anything. The phrase "love is blind" came about for a reason.

I teared up again reading that it hurts you knowing you did that to him. I totally relate to that too. I think of it as having loaded a gun, then asking him to shoot me. It's a horrendous thought, and the guilt is immense. I still carry it, despite apologising to him multiple times.

I don't see why you can't be friends until at least July, and see what happens then.

[ldrbreakup]

Unfortunately, my man is a lot more rational and does not act on feelings as much as most people. I asked to be friends but he kindly told me that it wouldn't be healthy for us because we've just recently broken up. He knows I still have feelings for him, so I completely understand where he's coming from.

He was really cautious while talking to me because he's been in my shoes in his previous relationship. He doesn't blame me for anything besides distance and forgives me for everything I've done. He also told me to make new friends online just so I have people to talk to and have fun with. He doesn't want me to rely on him for happiness.

For us, distance is the main issue. I can't move to him or my parents will guilt trip me into thinking I'm leaving them while they age for a guy. Also because I haven't met him irl that many times so moving is a big step for me towards uncertainty. Our last hope is getting him off the waitlist but he knows it's unhealthy to hold on to hope when it's only a probability. And he doesn't want us to go through more pain.

Our really long conversation was bittersweet, but I didn't cry! I teared up a bit because I know I'll be losing a close friend of mine, but otherwise, I think I'm getting better. It was also good for me mentally because I was able to get some closure. (He said he's very picky with who he likes and it'll take a while for him to get over me so he'll probably be single for some time. I'm glad the nurse girl wasn't a reason why he didn't want to keep trying.)

My perception has changed and I think I'll let fate decide where we'll go. I think talking to my mom about it really helped. I definitely had a lot of wonderful memories with him but if fate wants us to create more, it'll let us. I don't know when or if we'll ever move on and be ready as friends, but I think fate will also decide if we will cross paths again.

Thank you for being an emotional support during this time. It's definitely helped me a lot and I really appreciate it! If there's good news, I'll definitely be back to tell it.

[MsGrim]

This story spoke volumes to me because I was in your exact shoes a few months ago. My bf and I started dating April 2019, he is also a med student. We have cultural differences thrown in the mix so our future is not planned at all. He used to live ~350 miles away and it made things easier for me to visit him.. However, come December 2019 he was due to move back to NY (525 miles) to finish off some of his rotations; surgery being the more demanding and challenging one, we didn't know when we would see each other again. He decided to end things and really wanted to remain friends.

Like you, I agreed reluctantly and gave it shot. 3 weeks of being friends we didn't change much other than stopping the I love you's and cute pet names. We still flirted and talked constantly.. But not being able to remind him that I loved him daily was PURE TORTURE. Finally I told him I couldn't do it anymore.. that being friends just wasn't working for me cause it was like a huge tease. We went into no contact for about 9 days. This was before the quarantine so I still had to maintain my composure and focus when I was at work and it was the most difficult thing I had to do. But I just prayed about it and done my best to work on myself and try to be happy because I was able to experience a love such as that.

He came back to me after those 9 days and told me how much he missed me. We had a deep conversation about everything and decided to just take it one day at a time from there.

I guess the best advice I can give you is to just stay positive. I know it's difficult and you don't want to do anything other than curl up but it does get better, and I can confidently say that even if he didn't come back. I grew from that breakup as a person and I am better because of it.

[Atlantic Crossroads]

Like you, I agreed reluctantly and gave it shot. 3 weeks of being friends we didn't change much other than stopping the I love you's and cute pet names. We still flirted and talked constantly.. But not being able to remind him that I loved him daily was PURE TORTURE. Finally I told him I couldn't do it anymore.. that being friends just wasn't working for me cause it was like a huge tease. We went into no contact for about 9 days. This was before the quarantine so I still had to maintain my composure and focus when I was at work and it was the most difficult thing I had to do. But I just prayed about it and done my best to work on myself and try to be happy because I was able to experience a love such as that.

Same here. But I failed with not saying I love you. I couldn't not say it, because it felt wrong and it hurt too much.
In the beginning I didn't, and in one call I wanted to, but bit my tongue. Then I bawled my eyes out because I felt like he didn't want to hear me say it. He would only say he cared for me, and that was even worse to me.
I also prayed a lot, because it helped the pain and eased my worries. I have long been convinced that we didn't meet by accident. There are far too many things that compliment us.

[ldrbreakup]

For me, he just seemed like he's set his mind on everything already. No matter what I say, he doesn't want to give me hope that there's a chance we'll be together again. It hurts and I still miss him a lot, but it's not much I can do at this point. I hurt him a lot knowing how much he was willing to sacrifice for me.

We were going to be friends that way as well, just the same old but no flirting. It doesn't work and I know it will just hurt the both of us no matter how normal we sounded. Our hearts wrenched in pain knowing we're not the same anymore.

Med school is tough. I would give it my all if we do end up together. 4 years of ldr tho, is not going to work for me. If we had known each other irl for some time, then maybe we have an idea of what it's like after those 4 years, but to go from ldr to irl, it's like two different relationships. If things don't work out, I'll be around 30 already.

We do have cultural differences too. He's Pakistani and is Muslim, whereas I'm Chinese and an atheist. But I've looked past it and agreed to raise our kids Muslim if he wanted to. He's not that religious and he's Americanized so it's easier. But distance is still the main problem. I just sometimes wish distance wasn't a thing and that one day I wake up and it'll be gone. Or at least allow me to be financially stable enough to move out while also caring for my parents.

Ldr is so difficult, and after this one, I know for a fact I'm not doing it again. It's just not worth it because distance doesn't care if it's fair. We've tried so hard to make it work but at the end, we've still ended up like this. It's definitely possible that fate can do it's magic, but I don't want to feel like it will or I'll be disappointed.

[Rezie]

Man this is a familiar sounding story. First of all, don't be friends. You cannot be friends with someone you are in love with. At this moment it will slow down the process. That is not to say that it will be possible down the line. I guess it comes down to if you are still waiting for the results and hoping that something happens or an actual friendship.

I'm feeling old and bitter today so it might be clouding my comment today. It was not just the distance. Breakup's are never just about one thing. I'm not trying to be a partypooper but to me it sounds like he was not really int moving to your state. The gap year, redoing exams, saying not to have your hopes up etc. to me it sounds like he was not really commited into making the move. I do think that he thought that he wanted to do it. I do hope I'm wrong and everything works out.

[ldrbreakup]

Hi Rezie, thank you for the reply! We haven't been talking and I'm doing a lot better now. Of course, I still miss him and hope that he'll end up in a med school here, but if he doesn't get in, then it wasn't meant to be. I don't know if or when we'll ever be friends again, but I think we'll both be able to let things go and move on eventually.

And yes, he's mentioned that he doesn't know if he wants to permanently move to my state because it's a lot more expensive and crowded/dangerous than his state. He was going to come to med school here to see if he actually enjoys living here first before he makes a decision. But we'll see, just waiting on the med school's acceptance/rejection and we'll move on from there.

[Christophe516]

That depends on what happened during the relationship. For me, it has depended on honesty.

1. (ex)wife-I refuse to have any contact with her. Because, She was in major denial, about. Both my physical health, and hers. To the point it nearly killed me.

2. (ex)fiance #1-It started out as an LDR. We closed the distance three months later. She admitted from the start. That she was mentally ill. When my physical health took a dive. She didn't flinch. She stayed by my side. During the whole emergency. I haven't had any contact with her, since she broke up with me in 2007. That was 5 1/3yrs. together, I don't wish to have contact with her. But I do hope she is okay.

3. (ex)fiance #2-Coincidentally, I talked to her on the phone today. She initiated the breakup in 2012, after 5yrs.. Saying she couldn't give me what I wanted. I never got a clear explanation of that. But I haven't dwelled on it. I am fine with communicating with her.