Found out he's cyber-cheating!

[Verojoon]

*hugs*

I am so, so sorry to read this! I hope that you two can talk about it and you can come to a way of finding trust again. I can understand how hurt you must be. I would be devastated!

[Benni]

Thank you all!! I'm still waiting for him to come online so we can get this over! The waiting is making me so nervous!

[Ejoriah]

I can only add that I am really sorry you had to find out this way. Almost the same thing happened to me and I remember how physically painful it was. We're all on your side!

[Benni]

Finally, a message from him!

"STOP! Sit back!
If I have cyber-sex with women whom I do not know, it means naught to me but entertainment!
Internet/Skype is only interactive TV to me. It means nothing to me unless I'm talking/Skyping with you.
You feel differently . . .
I send $1500 to all my cyber-girls so they can meet me in the flesh. *sarcasm*
Calm down with this jealous stuff. I talk to other people, girls and guys.
That will continue. I love YOU and ONLY you!! XXX "

I had to leave right after his message came through so didn't reply yet. Sooooooo, that's where it stands for now.

[libelle]

Idk... Does it bother you? Can you go on with it like it is? If not, tell him ... He should take notice of your feelings, if he loves you like he claims. Why can't he just cyber sex with you if it is so important part of his life?

[kattermole]

How do you feel about his reply?

I'll be honest, if it was me, I'd have been out of the door but that's just because any hint of cheating/unfaithfulness, physical or not, is a complete dealbreaker for me and I think his reply was pretty unimpressive.

I don't like how he dismissed you about it or thinks that it's appropriate to have intimate conversations with women for "amusement", particularly when you have indicated you are upset by it. Also, it makes me a bit worried that he is using Skype to contact these women, so there's visual stuff going on? His "Internet/Skype is only interactive TV" comment makes me think that but hopefully not.

I guess it depends where your boundaries are. I know for me, I would have told him where to go, particularly with his "Calm down with all this jealous stuff" comment.

Hope you can work something out x

[libelle]

Just wanted to add - define what cheating means for you in a relationship. He can claim it is not cheating in real life also, in psyschology of cheating it says cheaters also justify their actions by saying "It is not cheating if there are no feelings involved". Which can really be applied to both internet and real life. You must tell him what is a deal breaker for you. Personally i dont find a difference. He sought another woman's attention, was attracted to her and performed a sexual act with her. Can't find a better definiton for cheating.

[Benni]

Again, thank you everyone for great feedback!

I'm not sure how I feel about it -- never had this issue come up before. I've been reading different opinions on cybersex. Some feel it IS cheating, others say it's just words on a screen -- like a game to play -- with no real intentions or feelings involved at all.

He hasn't done it since then and he hasn't changed his passwords either so that I can still see his messages (even the deleted ones).
As for Skype, I am his only Skype contact and I can hover over his name to see his latest activity and it always coincides with when we are talking together.

I need to roll this around in my mind some more, I guess.

[Black_Halloween]

but he DOES know her, you said she was a mutual friend! I don't know, its ultimately your choice and it seems like he won't change a bit...and he's accusing you of being...JEALOUS? That's bull shit! He's throwing out your feelings like they're unwarranted and that's not right at all.

[ThePiedPiper]

Here's the thing. I believe him when he says he paid for you because he loves you. I believe him even when he says he doesn't necessarily love these other women. But that doesn't matter because he's said he's going to continue. He's saying that he sees cybersex as "interactive" porn/TV. To me this is like a man going to a strip club and constantly getting lap dances or other specials. It's interactive watching and he doesn't have feelings for them, but some women would still have an issue with it (and rightfully so too). I think you need to decide whether or not you can handle someone you're in a serious relationship with having sex with other women online, because he's told you it will continue. My big concern is that if it bothers you, it doesn't matter if it's making you jealous or not; there are some lines you don't cross in a relationship. There are a lot of things anyone can do an excuse it away with "I don't have feelings" or "stop being so jealous, this means nothing," but the fact that he clearly sees nothing wrong with this almost makes me concerned that he's a candidate for something even more extreme than this happening in the future.

[Benni]

but he DOES know her, you said she was a mutual friend! I don't know, its ultimately your choice and it seems like he won't change a bit...and he's accusing you of being...JEALOUS? That's bull shit! He's throwing out your feelings like they're unwarranted and that's not right at all.

By friend I mean a follower -- we do not know her in real life. It's like on Facebook when you 'friend' someone you don't know, or on Tumblr where you 'Follow' someone's blog. Her and I have interacted through 'Shares' maybe 6 times in 6 months, same for B and her.

As for my jealousy, he says it IS unwarranted -- that I have nothing to be jealous of because she is some random woman in internet space.

I've never been a jealous woman and this feeling is so new to me. I feel our relationship is threatened more than anything else but he says I have nothing to worry about and to, please, stop making myself sick over it.

[libelle]

But how did it evolve from merely following on tumblr to cyber sex? Unexplainable to me ... You don't just meet strangers and say hey lets hook up. :/

[kattermole]

I think it would take a saint not to be jealous/upset by this! You haven't asked him to stop speaking to people, just expressed your feelings about the intimate conversations he is having with other women and I think that's perfectly natural. If you're in a committed relationship, sex is something that should be between the two of you and no one else, unless you explicitly have a discussion about involving others.

More worrying is that despite you clearly not being comfortable with it, he goes on the defensive and says he isn't going to stop?

[Black_Halloween]

The thing is, its NOT jealousy. He had sexual relations with somebody else and you're hurt. Just because its online means nothing. He can make that excuse if he hooks up with some girl in person. "I have no emotional attachment so its fine"...BS! I feel like he's just making up excuses to get out of it. He won't even talk to you about it. Its his way or the highway and that's never a good attitude to have in a relationship.

[Benni]

There are a lot of things anyone can do an excuse it away with "I don't have feelings" or "stop being so jealous, this means nothing," but the fact that he clearly sees nothing wrong with this almost makes me concerned that he's a candidate for something even more extreme than this happening in the future.

I am very upset that he is disregarding my feelings as 'silly' and I have thought the same as you Piper. But, here's the question looming behind all of this .....

If I refuse to accept his behavior and he doesn't stop, how could I possibly still fly up there for 2 weeks the end of August? The ticket is non-refundable. What am I supposed to do, hang out at his airport for 2 weeks? I wouldn't have the money for a hotel room for that long!