Found out he's cyber-cheating!

[Benni]

But how did it evolve from merely following on tumblr to cyber sex? Unexplainable to me ... You don't just meet strangers and say hey lets hook up. :/

I'm not sure about that. Our deleted messages hang around in a folder for a couple weeks, then are deleted permanently. So, if something lead up to this point, I didn't see those messages.

[Black_Halloween]

I am very upset that he is disregarding my feelings as 'silly' and I have thought the same as you Piper. But, here's the question looming behind all of this .....

If I refuse to accept his behavior and he doesn't stop, how could I possibly still fly up there for 2 weeks the end of August? The ticket is non-refundable. What am I supposed to do, hang out at his airport for 2 weeks? I wouldn't have the money for a hotel room for that long!

I know that this was not directed at me, but if you refuse this behavior i'd say cut your losses and not go at all. There is no reason to hurt yourself with being with him for two weeks knowing its not going to last. Why in the world would you stay at an airport for two weeks just to not waste a ticket? That just seems silly.

[ThePiedPiper]

I am very upset that he is disregarding my feelings as 'silly' and I have thought the same as you Piper. But, here's the question looming behind all of this .....

If I refuse to accept his behavior and he doesn't stop, how could I possibly still fly up there for 2 weeks the end of August? The ticket is non-refundable. What am I supposed to do, hang out at his airport for 2 weeks? I wouldn't have the money for a hotel room for that long!

I wouldn't go. Simple as that. If someone flat out told me they see nothing wrong with having cybersex with women, I would call it quits right then and there because I'm not putting myself through anything with anyone who says that it's only cheating if feelings are involved.

[Benni]

Why in the world would you stay at an airport for two weeks just to not waste a ticket? That just seems silly.

I meant that in a sarcastic way. Sorry, I should've have stated that.

I wouldn't go. Simple as that. If someone flat out told me they see nothing wrong with having cybersex with women, I would call it quits right then and there because I'm not putting myself through anything with anyone who says that it's only cheating if feelings are involved.

Under normal circumstances (being in the same town together) I would probably do just that. I was in a very abusive marriage for 18 years which I ran away from 16 years ago. I have done without men up until last year when B and I became serious and I let myself be open to him -- he knows my history with the abuse.

But, I am such a tightwad and to just throw away $1500 is appalling to me!

I AM seriously considering calling it quits. Sometimes, I feel he's trying to soothe my ruffled feathers so that he doesn't lose all that money. I feel that if that's the case, he may break up with me (or me with him) after I return home.

[ThePiedPiper]

I meant that in a sarcastic way. Sorry, I should've have stated that.



Under normal circumstances (being in the same town together) I would probably do just that. I was in a very abusive marriage for 18 years which I ran away from 16 years ago. I have done without men up until last year when B and I became serious and I let myself be open to him -- he knows my history with the abuse.

But, I am such a tightwad and to just throw away $1500 is appalling to me!

I AM seriously considering calling it quits. Sometimes, I feel he's trying to soothe my ruffled feathers so that he doesn't lose all that money. I feel that if that's the case, he may break up with me (or me with him) after I return home.

Is he not the one who spent the money though? I mean I hate to say it, but he made his bed so he should have to lie in it, and I would be concerned of him using that money and holding it over your head as a way of allowing him to do what he likes because you'll still visit him anyway. I understand being a tightwad, I'd feel terrible if someone spent that much on me and I wasn't going to use it, but at the same time, if he didn't want to run the risk of you not coming, he shouldn't have cheated and he shouldn't be sitting there telling you not to be hurt or jealous over something that he sees no problem with.

[loneliestgirl]

What the hell?! He did something wrong and is trying to turn it around on you that it's your fault or you are the one in the wrong? He reasoning is just his way to make himself not feel like a bad guy.

Whether or not you want to give him a chance to correct his behavior is up to you. But you need to tell him that what he is doing is cheating in your eyes. You do not expect nor accept the man who you are committed to and who claims to be committed to you to being having any kind of sexual contact or sexually explicit conversations with other women. Period. It doesn't matter if feelings are involved or not. A real act of love would be to respect your wishes.

Take the plane ticket out of the equation of your decision. If he doesn't wake up and keeps being an ass consider his monetary loss just some of his own karma slapping him in his face.

[Benni]

Great advice Piper and lonely -- I'm going to get off here for the night and do some serious thinking about this. I probably won't be talking to him again until tomorrow afternoon some time so I need to make a decision before then. Thank you! Ya'll are a great, wise group to belong to!!

[lyonsgirl]

As for my jealousy, he says it IS unwarranted -- that I have nothing to be jealous of because she is some random woman in internet space.

I realize I'm a little late to the party but... I'm sorry, I got stuck here.

How did you two meet again?

[ThePiedPiper]

I would also like to build off of what someone else said and say I don't buy that it's "only sex" either. Even if the messages have been deleted, I would guess these two didn't merely jump into having cybersex. And if he's been having repeated sex with this woman, how does that make it different than a friends with benefits relationship? And if that's the case, why is cybersexing her any different than cybersexing you? :/ I think I have pinpointed that that's what makes this cheating for me. I could maybe see the whole "interactive porn" thing if you two were living together (and even then, I wouldn't be forgiving of it) or at least dating IRL, but you're not. The only sexual relations he can have with you is online, so what makes his relations with her different? To me this really is like having sex with a mutual acquaintence and then saying it's okay because feelings were not involved...

[Malaga]

The problem isn't that he wasn't aware of your definition of cheating, he is well aware of how betrayed his actions made you feel (and probably knew all along you wouldn't approve if you knew), yet he basically said, well tough luck, I'll continue doing it and you find a way to deal with it. He's convinced he's not doing anything wrong, which is why he didn't bother to hide it better from you, but at the same time his idea of whether what he did was right or wrong isn't at all affected by how you feel about it. He's being ridiculously selfish and uncompromising about some fundamental values you guys should share. This cheating incident merely exposed this major character flaw of his which would've come up sooner or later, and I believe it will show up again if you let this slide.

My rule of thumb is whenever a guy pulls the "but she means nothing to me" or "it's different with you" line, he's full of BS. He wants to have his cake and eat it too, and whether or not he truly feels like that doesn't even matter. What matters is that this is unacceptable to you, it would be unacceptable to the vast majority of people (and it would most likely be unacceptable to him if you were cyber-sexin some other dude), yet he has no intention of respecting that.

[Louise_B]

Sometimes, I feel he's trying to soothe my ruffled feathers so that he doesn't lose all that money. I feel that if that's the case, he may break up with me (or me with him) after I return home.

I See where your coming from here. This has happened in the past with me. Not a plane ticket though but about something else. And my advice would be not to go. If he loves you like he claiams he does he wouldnt mind missing out on that money and he will try and prove to you that his sorry for what his done and when you both get back on track (if thats what you decided to do) youll plan another trip! You should mean more to him than a plane ticket, no matter how much.

And with regards to what his reply was. Wow. I'm sorry but i honestly would of walked away then. No question, i wouldnt wanna hear the rest of his bullshit make up line. You must be one hell of a strong woman Benni! I respect how strong you are. i hope you do whatever is right for you, Its ok for all of us to vouce our opniouns out but at the end of the day its your life and your relationship! We will all stand behinde you and support you with whatever you decide! Keep that head up of yours!!

[Benni]

He always calls me on Friday nights at 10p. Instead, he left me this message ....

"No phone call tonight. Even in an internet relationship, I need some space same as I would in a real life situation. Later...."

An internet relationship?? What??? Fuck this shit. He's getting an email today. I'm done!

I'll get back to ya'll later.

[Ejoriah]

Good on you. I'm so sorry this happened to you but I'm glad you're not staying in a horrible situation.

[Louise_B]

Wow, What a piece of shit that guy is! Good on you!!

Kick his ass to the side walk and let him lose out on that money! Ass hole

[leonsfangirl]

He's a total fuckwad!
Stay strong and move on from this moron.