Bittersweet visit

[LadyMarchHare]

you cant send things to him

This started in August. Until then I was sending him things almost every month, but when he moved he told me the situation when I asked for his new address.

you go a while without talking to him

And others don't go through this? Why is it mandatory that I talk to him every day? He's busy, I get busy, we have lives outside of each other.

he didn't stay at the hotel, nor did he ask you to accompany him to his doctors visit, and you two didn't go outside really (thats an assumption I'm making cuz I didn't read anything about the two of you hanging out outside the hotel)

He stayed at the hotel for three nights and left Friday morning. I didn't ask to go with him to the doctor because I figured it was none of my business and honestly I didn't want to go. As for not going outside, we didn't want to. I was honestly content in staying in that dinky room with him because we kept one another company and got to talk and just relax around one another.

you don't hear from him on your birthday

He forgot my birthday and apologized for it, saying he would make it up to me on Valentine's Day. Granted, later we found out he had to work V Day, but it's the thought that counts. That and the plethora of apologies I received for weeks after and his self accusations of being an awful boyfriend for it.

sometimes you dont hear from him for a week at a time...

Yeah this part sucks, but it's not the end of the world. He works long hours, doesn't get decent breaks, and honestly sometimes we don't really have anything to say and texting "I love you" seven times in a row gets old, you know?

your family had concerns (even if they were wrong in doing so, its family...)

If you're talking about my mom's racist babble, that gets thrown out the window for being mislabeled as concern.

you were 14 and he was 20 when you met and while this may mean you know him so well, it also raises the question, why was a 20 year old man talking to a 14 year old girl... even if it is for RP...

We were friends, we didn't date. The guy didn't even know how old I was because we weren't that close until I was 17. We only figured out the age difference when he wished me a happy 20th last year and I found out his age. I don't see how this is an issue, it wasn't like he was a pedophile or was luring me away when I was younger. It was a forum, people of all ages go on forums and talk without doing background checks or asking if they're legal.

he didnt sound too interested in coming to see you

Considering he was the one who suggested he visit me? I would have to argue with you on that. He just doesn't like the state I'm in because he's heard bad things about New Orleans.

you had to make the plans and do all those things alone whereas it should be a joined effort...

Had we had better means of communication, no doubt it would have been a joint effort. However, the point is things got done regardless of WHO got them done. It was my visit and my funds, why shouldn't I plan this stuff?

your communication issues, even if they are from working so much...

Third party problem. It happens.

pessimism. big time. we don't get the good... we don't see what you're seeing... no happiness, nothing but what at times looks to be blind adoration for man (who i am not trying to chase with a torch here... just saying this is what a lot of us are seeing because this is what you are showing us)

I'll be the first to admit that I am a pessimistic person. I focus heavily on the negative and see the glass as half empty. I'm also quick to anger and a verbal thrashing. The reason I don't go around everywhere farting good news and the barest cute moment of +10 OMG is because I feel it's not noteworthy. Big deal if he said something sweet, I swoon, I smile, have my moment, and life goes on. I don't need to broadcast every minute detail to everyone here. And really since summer there's been very little to report beyond, yes, my bad moments. Look, I have mental illnesses that cause me to be unhappy despite therapy and heavy medication. I can only control so much before it leaks into the water supply of my life and gets splattered like vomit on forums, blogs, and everywhere else.

The fact of the matter is, you guys don't HAVE to see that I'm happy. If I wasn't happy, his ass would've been grass long ago. Yes I get dealt bad hands, yes I do cry myself to sleep some nights, but don't any of you act like I'm the first soul to do so. So we don't talk every day, so he doesn't send me flowers or candy or shirks his duties to goof off with me, so what? I'm happy, I love him, and that is what matters. So maybe it's partially my fault you guys are filleting him because I don't croon on and on about how he blinked at me one day or sighed in my direction the next, but it still gives none of you the right to judge my relationship the way you are. I'm not stupid, I'm not some sick little girl who likes being hit and spat on, and I'm not hiding my problems by defending the man I love.

I don't mind that people are coming in here asking questions, concerned for my wellbeing, but there's a bloody line and I ask you not hop over it.

[LadyMarchHare]

im bolding that part because those are our reasons for why we are concerned, and im not buying the chest pain thing....in my opinion i think he wanted an easy way out to go back to his flat, yes ok being lazy for a few days inside is fine god knows i did and alot of people do especially if there jetlagged, thats normal but staying inside the whole time that seems more suspicous to me like he didnt really wanna be seen in public with you. you have to look at this through our point of you see where were coming from, this is why were are concerned

Caitlin you're so full of shit your eyes are brown. I'm sick and tired of your conspiracy theories and your bashing my boyfriend. Sugar coat your BS as concern all you want but I'm not blind. That's not concern, that's sheer stupidity and blind hatred.

[tiffinnie]

i didnt know about the racist garb from your mom, i just heard about your grandparents harping you for going to see 'some internet boy', so please don't think i was going with that.

I also didn't see where you said he was the one saying he could come visit you.

I'm honestly not trying to be disrespectful or step over lines here. You wanted to know what the red flags were and our concerns and instead of pussy footing around the whole ordeal, why not just come right out and tell you?

without explanation, those all look really bad. just sayin'. with explanation, they look much more understandable and not something to be so alarmed about.

[Silviar]

LMH, you response is exactly tiffannie's point and hence other people's concern - there are a lot of things here that require explanations, and that's what concerns people. It doesn't mean there aren't valid reasons - because there are, and you've certainly explained them with logical responses. But so many things that require an explanation after a time appears to be a pattern, whether it in all fairness is or not. Many people aren't judging you OR your relationship, but instead see these things as a pattern that may be easily discernible from the outside as opposed to being on the inside. As friends, it's important to bring things up seen from the outside.

Now, on the downside, there is the fact that of course no one outside of your relationship can see how many things he does for you. It's perspective, and the ultimate question from that stems: where does the line change from logical explanations to excuses? Is there a line?

Not everyone is judging you, but the downside of bringing up issues, both good and bad in a relationship is if outside perspective sees a pattern, they're going to say something to alert you to what they see. It doesn't mean they necessarily think the person's SO is cheating, or a jerk, but the fact that the pattern could mean something - or it could be a confluence of bad events.

[LadyMarchHare]

i didnt know about the racist garb from your mom, i just heard about your grandparents harping you for going to see 'some internet boy', so please don't think i was going with that.

I also didn't see where you said he was the one saying he could come visit you.

I'm honestly not trying to be disrespectful or step over lines here. You wanted to know what the red flags were and our concerns and instead of pussy footing around the whole ordeal, why not just come right out and tell you?

without explanation, those all look really bad. just sayin'. with explanation, they look much more understandable and not something to be so alarmed about.

My grandparents are in their 80s and my grandmother's a harpy so I can understand them freaking out about seeing a guy on the internet. As for the visit, I think I mentioned that in my blog. I may have just said we talked about it, but either way it was his idea even though yes he did hold some reservations due to the aforementioned reasons.

I wasn't referring to you when I mentioned going over the line. Honestly I wanted someone to point out the flags just so I could provide an explanation if I could. I get that I don't release a ton of information and wires get crossed, it's why I've been trying to give answers to concerns.

[LadyMarchHare]

Now, on the downside, there is the fact that of course no one outside of your relationship can see how many things he does for you. It's perspective, and the ultimate question from that stems: where does the line change from logical explanations to excuses? Is there a line?

Not everyone is judging you, but the downside of bringing up issues, both good and bad in a relationship is if outside perspective sees a pattern, they're going to say something to alert you to what they see. It doesn't mean they necessarily think the person's SO is cheating, or a jerk, but the fact that the pattern could mean something - or it could be a confluence of bad events.

Personally I see the line being it's an excuse when you say "oh he hit me because he had a bad day, he didn't mean it." It's not an excuse if it's true and what I've been providing is the truth even if certain parties refuse to see it that way.

And while I understand what you mean, let me say that there has to be a reminder that no one here is a dating expert or a therapist or any other thing that would make their opinion more than that, an opinion. I can handle the concern and the pointing out of flags, patterns, what have you but the moment it turns nasty and underhanded insinuations are made is when anything you try telling me is labeled invalid. Again I say I am stunned and appalled at how some folks have been acting in this thread, regardless of whether or not their intentions were pure. There's a difference between voicing concern and trying to honestly help and being a jerk.

[TknandLvnIt]

I think its great that so many people seem to care so much about others relationships but I think the main thing that should be considered when giving advice on someone's relationship is whether or not they asked for it and they way that you are offering it to them....Intention only goes so far and that goes for both this relationship and your advice to others. LMH is a great support to others in this forum when others ask for advice on their relationships...The problem in my opinion in this situation is that she did not ask for it. In fact all she did was recount the events of her visit...As I say that I am going to ironically offer my own opinion not advice because I don't expect you to follow it...
I am a problem solver and an optimist by nature...The problems or rather red flags that were mentioned by others are in fact things that I too would be concerned about from an outside perspective. I have really been avoiding posting on this thread because it has become so crazy...but here is what I have. Yes there are seemingly a lot of things that you have to explain as Silviar said...but that doesn't mean that he is a terrible guy or that he doesn't put effort into your relationship.
His job sucks yes, he can't afford to leave or visit or any of that-Solution (as was suggested before) look for a job for him pride aside if he is truly unhappy about it he would jump at the offer. You know him and his interests so that shouldn't be too difficult. I would never take a NO for an answer from my SO I'm too stubborn and your pride is not a good enough reason when the job that he is holding on too is affecting your relationship negatively. You can't send him things at his house- Ask him to get a PO BOX at the local post office- there is no excuse for him not having a means that you can use to contact him or send him things. -No contact- You are his girlfriend in a LDR relationship communication is all we have so to me not having that or not having it often means in my head we don't have a relationship. So snail mail would be a great option...hence the P.O. Box. I would hope that he intended on taking you out but seeing as your trip was cut short and he had chest pains I'd let that one slide but I would jokingly but seriously tell him that he owed me a date. There are things in my opinion from an outside perspective that could be better but I can say the same about my own relationship...but I guess the hope is that you don't become so blinded by love that you don't expect the basics or rather you do but don't push it because you are understand. Even if it isn't the most ideal situation you deserve the basics of a LDR : communication (snail mail, internet cafes, video recorded messages emails etc.) love which you have and affection in the sense that you feel special on the days that are significant in your relationship (anniversaries, birthdays etc.). That's all I have to say about this topic...I hope it didn't come off as harsh or accusatory. I pray that you have all the happiness you deserve :-)

[Silviar]

LMH - you're not the only one appalled by the rueness. Unfortunately, manners are in short supply by some. Don't let it get to you.

[LadyMarchHare]

Thank you, TknandLvnIt.

To be honest I wouldn't know what job to look for in regards to him as I only know he has management experience, but that's such a broad term it would be hard to narrow down anything. There's also the issue of where to look and if it's out of town, how would he get there for interviews, etc. It's something I've thought a long time about but without his cooperation I don't see much progress being made on that front. As for sending him things, that's really no big deal to me. I'm the type who gives gifts for any reason to the point of it being almost annoying. Having no means to get something to him has allowed me to cut back on that habit and I just saved all the stuff I did buy and brought it with me when I visited to give him. Much nicer to do it in person. The communication I think has been exaggerated by someone somewhere. We do talk via text now and again and even if he doesn't reply I know he gets them. Here and there I leave voice mail messages if it's important, but we don't just not have complete contact, it's just very limited especially since his computer is currently broken.

I don't think I'm blinded enough to not want or expect the basics, after all I'm human and as such crave these things, but I don't obsessively demand them like others might. Thanks for commenting, I know this thread's gotten scary and I'm sure I'm most of the reason since I've been biting heads today.

Silviar: Trying not to, but it doesn't seem to be working.

[tiffinnie]

Caitlin, off with your head! There will be no reasoning with her, especially if it comes from you. We can all understand where you are coming from with your posts, and while there are a few valid thoughts in them, there are also ways that you are wording things that do make you sound like a jerk... therefore she has pretty much resorted to disregarding anything you say with a complex 'your an asshole' response back... any other reasons, please list so she can go about explaining and then she can hopefully stop thinking you are just some heartless butthole of hate. I'll see if I can translate it and make it easier for her to see that this isnt sugar coated hate and there are valid concerns in there... Sara, wait to respond to her list until someone else gets their hands on it and picks out what would actually be things to have concern for before writing her off as a hateful heartless butthole of hate and anger... I honestly believe she may have some valid points in her thoughts, but shes having a real shitty time conveying them properly.

[Caitlin2009]

no not worth it.....next time just dont ask for the truth if you dont want it....i dont hate anything including him....but whatever........yeah ok my wording sucks today but i am having my own issues at the moment so.....nevermind......

[Mara]

I can handle the concern and the pointing out of flags, patterns, what have you but the moment it turns nasty and underhanded insinuations are made is when anything you try telling me is labeled invalid. Again I say I am stunned and appalled at how some folks have been acting in this thread, regardless of whether or not their intentions were pure. There's a difference between voicing concern and trying to honestly help and being a jerk.

I am a bit appalled at how some people have been acting as well, LMH. I haven't been a member of the boards long, nor have I really spoken with you, but this thread crossed the line a good few pages ago. I don't think there's anything wrong with someone expressing concern for you or your well-being, but honestly, this turned into a witch hunt because your SO has a job and a few health problems. (Which I hope he is feeling better by the way.)

Honestly, your SO's job doesn't sound much different from any job I've had or the job that my SO has. Places do not just give you time off because you request it and often in the types of jobs like the one your SO has, they overwork and the pay isn't decent enough or is too good for you to leave.

It seems like certain members were expecting your SO to wave some type of magical wand and make everything go the way the two of you wanted it to. The world doesn't work like that and I don't understand why some people seem to want your SO to jump through hoops. And I also must say as to the fact of the two of you staying in, when I visit my SO now, we stay in the majority of the time. We miss each other and it's nicer for us just to lay in all day together than to go out and be around people. I don't see what's odd about that.

The only thing that I could ever really fault about the whole thing was the fact that he didn't tell you straightaway that he'd have to work (he'd told you he had the whole week off) and I'm sure that's just because he was under the assumption he did and when he found out later he didn't want to upset you or he just didn't get a chance to tell you. I also felt he should have at least, let you pay the cab fare to see you off, but honestly, my SO wouldn't have wanted me to pay either though he may have caved in the end.

Like you, I'm not all overly 'Oh, I love him, he is so wonderful, blah blah blah.' I just don't see the need to make a big ordeal over it. Some people do, but it's just not my style. But one thing is for sure, I wouldn't tolerate some of the things that have been said in this thread about your SO said about mine, I applaud you for, at least, trying to understand where some people are coming from and not completely losing your temper.

[LadyMarchHare]

actually my eyes are brown *shrugs* what hatred??? i dont have any, if you wanna see it that way then fine but im not being that way! you asked so i gave you the damn answer, its not my fault you dont like hearing the truth and the reason why your so upset is because deep down you know its the damn truth!!! anytime we dont beat around the bush for you like you want us to you jump down our throats for it, for gods sake were only trying to help you and make you see the red flags that are litterly screaming at us, they are not even flags there like huge neon signs now, pay attention to them! dont ask for the truth and then jump down someones throat when they give it to you

Oh please. Every time I have offered a logical explanation for something, you shoot it down and call my SO a liar. Then you stuck your tail between your legs and tried apologizing to me yesterday only to come back today and accuse him some more. Just where are you pulling these reasons out of, a magic BS hat? First off, to comment on your previous post, if you were a smoker for 10 years and up and quit cold turkey you'd have chest pains. Figured you would know that since you've mentioned Denise smokes. And secondly, just where do you get off saying he's ashamed to be in public with me? It's not as though I suggested we go out and he shot it down, we decided to be lazy. Every person gets the right to be lazy and relax now and again.

As for me knowing it's "the truth", what sort of fantasy land are YOU living in? What, I'm not allowed to have someone who's good to me, is that it? Because he had to work and screwed up on a few things he's automatically public enemy number one?

Get out of my thread before I decide to report you for harassment.

[LadyMarchHare]

I am a bit appalled at how some people have been acting as well, LMH. I haven't been a member of the boards long, nor have I really spoken with you, but this thread crossed the line a good few pages ago. I don't think there's anything wrong with someone expressing concern for you or your well-being, but honestly, this turned into a witch hunt because your SO has a job and a few health problems. (Which I hope he is feeling better by the way.)

Honestly, your SO's job doesn't sound much different from any job I've had or the job that my SO has. Places do not just give you time off because you request it and often in the types of jobs like the one your SO has, they overwork and the pay isn't decent enough or is too good for you to leave.

It seems like certain members were expecting your SO to wave some type of magical wand and make everything go the way the two of you wanted it to. The world doesn't work like that and I don't understand why some people seem to want your SO to jump through hoops. And I also must say as to the fact of the two of you staying in, when I visit my SO now, we stay in the majority of the time. We miss each other and it's nicer for us just to lay in all day together than to go out and be around people. I don't see what's odd about that.

The only thing that I could ever really fault about the whole thing was the fact that he didn't tell you straightaway that he'd have to work (he'd told you he had the whole week off) and I'm sure that's just because he was under the assumption he did and when he found out later he didn't want to upset you or he just didn't get a chance to tell you. I also felt he should have at least, let you pay the cab fare to see you off, but honestly, my SO wouldn't have wanted me to pay either though he may have caved in the end.

Like you, I'm not all overly 'Oh, I love him, he is so wonderful, blah blah blah.' I just don't see the need to make a big ordeal over it. Some people do, but it's just not my style. But one thing is for sure, I wouldn't tolerate some of the things that have been said in this thread about your SO said about mine, I applaud you for, at least, trying to understand where some people are coming from and not completely losing your temper.

I think what happened was he assumed he'd go in Saturday since that's when they put out the schedules and request more days off and come back. But when he did go in, his supervisor told him if he did he'd be in huge trouble, which is what was relayed to me the same day. Yeah I agree he could have been more clear about that, but he was honest with me when I asked if he was coming back, even though he wasn't happy about telling me no.

Things happen. This was the first time doing this sort of thing for the both of us, our communication was shaky, and we were kind of just riding the coattails of hope for the most part. It was a learning experience, for good and bad.

[BoogleBee]

I am a bit appalled at how some people have been acting as well, LMH....this thread crossed the line a good few pages ago. I don't think there's anything wrong with someone expressing concern for you or your well-being, but honestly, this turned into a witch hunt because your SO has a job and a few health problems. (Which I hope he is feeling better by the way.)

^^
This!!