Jealous about the Past - HELP!

[archangel]

I'll start off by saying that this all has to do with me. My SO told me not to worry about this and I know I shouldn't but it still bugs me...

I've only been in this rut recently, but I would really like to get out it sooner since I am putting myself into a situation which doesn't feel good at all - almost like being tortured by myself.
Anyways.....

In my SOs previous relationship her and her ex. cuddled, kissed and touched each other. They didn't do that, that often since they didn't see each other that much, but that still bugs me since I was not her first boyfriend to touch her, kiss her and cuddle with her. Which all means a lot to me... but what can be done? how can I stop myself looping around this... this what happened in the past which I shouldn't worry about.

I guess another thing related to this that bugs me is that I keep on asking my SO about the past, which I know I have told her I wouldn't. That is frustrating for me because I am going against my own word, which is making myself feeling untrustworthy to myself according to my morale's.

I feel terrible about this... since she means so much to me.

Any advice/help ya all would be greatly appreciated!

[xsomanymilesx]

i get jelous sometimes too... sometimes its best to not ask about the ex because it just makes you sad, but then on the otherhand it helps to talk about the past because... lets face it everyone is curious about the ex, its just a matter of telling our partners/being told by our partners in a matter of fact way that doesnt hurt our feelings ... aka no unneccessary details,
maybe you just need reassurance. or maybe you just need to realise that the past is irrelivant now, although whats done cant be undone, you are together now, and thats what matters... not the past. so dont let it hold you back

[Zephii]

There is nothing wrong with knowing each other's pasts, though some people find the knowledge haunts them, others find it helps them know their partner better. Knowing why they broke up can be particularly helpful.

The first times issue is painful for a lot of people... It really jaded me by the end of the relationship I was in before I got with Obi becasue nothing I could do was as special for my partner because it wasn't his first time. Even when it came to the subject of my bearing his children (which I thankfully never did!) he's position was that he'd had kids before so if we had them together he didn't want much to do with them (We'd live together, but I'd rase them alone). It even went as far as: one night after a giant fight between his ex wife and I (who we lived with) where he hadn't defended me he'd said "She's the mother of my first born" to explain to me why he'd never go against her, or leave. "Firsts" can just make people irrational.

Besides, with people becomming intimate at much younger ages now, it's pretty impossible to find someone who's never been kissed... it's just a fact. However, I can sympathise. Obi had a few partners before me, so by the time I got here I felt I had nothing new to offer him. I worried I wasn't as good because of my inexperience, I worried because I wasn't his first I would bore him... I felt all those first milestones were gone... but I was wrong.

A little experience on both people's parts is a really good thing! It teaches them what they want, need and expect. Despite having had sexual partners, Obi hadn't had a long term relationship before me (Yay, one first for me ) and so a lot of the time doesnt know how to respond to situations, doesn't know what he can ask from me, or what the benifits of dating are. We'd probably have less tiffs if he knew a little more about how partnerships actually work. He probably feels the same about me when it comes to physical stuff and my general prudeishness.

Love, true love, makes a lot of things different, as though they are firsts. It makes every touch more intense, more intimate. She's not going to be thinking about the ex when she's with you - so you need to not think about him either. When I'm ever in doubt I remind myself that my partner left their ex for a reason, and they are now with me, so it's just an upgrade!

Keep smiling, I hope I managed to help a little.

[Yin Yang]

I would actually be a little freaked out if I was my bf's first gf. To me, having previous experience means that when he says I am the ONE he really knows I am because, through other experiences he realized what he wants and what he doesn't want. Same goes for me. Now, don't get me wrong, I wouldn't want my bf to have been promiscuous, but having some prior experience is a good thing to me.

I don't like to dig through the past, because usually nothing good comes out of it, only jealousy as you can see for yourself.

Just think that your cuddles, kisses and hugs are sooo much better than her ex's. In the end, she is with you, not with him. Don't let the past come between the two of you. Enjoy every single thing you discover together.

[garnet]

Her experiences with him made her who she is today. That is the best I can offer.
I am sure Rane doesn't like to think of my ex husband, but he knows that without that having happened (the marriage), I would not be the same person I am right now. The one that is crazy in love with him, and the perfect match.

I understand the urge to know every little detail, but sometimes it's best to just let the past stay in the past. She loves you now. Don't let this eat you up.

[folclor]

they just kissed and cuddled? ^^;; try having a boyfriend who's had 3 previous sexual partners, one of which he was serious enough about to marry. ^^;; THAT'S hard. And what makes it worse, in my case, is I'm not sure Alex is ready to let go, he still has the ring he was going to give her and until he gets rid of it I'm pretty sure he won't be ready. But enough about my issues.

Really, all you can do is know that she's with you now and there's a reason for that. You're jealous because you weren't her first boyfriend. But if you were imagine how nervous you would be and how much you'd feel you'd have to make it better for her if you were. Imagine if you were her first kiss. Wouldn't that put more pressure on you to make it better? Knowing that she's had a boyfriend before isn't that much of an issue. They didn't have sex. She doesn't compare you two, there's no reason to be jealous. As hard as it might be, just stop thinking about it, get over it. Everything will be fine.

[misskatiemarie]

my SO was previously married, and i was previously engaged.
One day, early in the relationship, we spent a tonnnn of time talking about our ex's and got that all out of the way. Now we don't even bring up our ex's to each other. When we got together we knew each other had a past- BUT we also knew that without those pasts we wouldn't be the crazy amazing people we are now.
I'm not gonna lie and say that i don't get curious about his ex wife cause sometimes i do- I just have to remind myself that hes with me. I surely must be doing something right for him to love me. It's human nature to get jealous every now and then and to be curious- you just can't let it rule your relationship.

[redbellepepper]

i know how it feels, i've been to that same spot in our relationship. my bf has gone through several crossroads in his life, and i used to get upset by certain realities. he and his past gf's did all the way, and not just once. he was honest enough to tell me almost everything about the extent of each relationship. and that put me to "intensive jealousy unit". everything he does for me was measured against what he did for his ex-girls. there was nothing he could do that would make me feel special. he was at wits end, and i was in terrible loneliness. so one day we decided to talk things over. i am not an upfront person so he has to dig me to get the real emotions out. he was patient while i rant over my "jealousy". after that talk, he tried to change his approaches/styles of communication, calls of endearment---like he doesn't call me honey since he used that term with all his past girls. he rearranged his schedule so we could talk more often--he opens his cam while he works so that i could see him talk to clients, office staffs and guests. he did all these things, and still doing some up to now so he could make me feel special from the rest. on my part, i only have to trust him. or should i say, i only need to CHOOSE to trust him. he's doing his part and so should i.

realization, it's an everyday decision to trust him. i believe that's the measure of true love whether in CDR or LDR. the latter poses a lot of difficulties that when carefully thought of and properly handled, would certainly yield the sweetest reward. the past will always be there but i have to constantly remind myself that it has no grip over our relationship until i allow it to grapple us. another thing, i consciously make every effort to stay focus on the present thing and create happy memories with him rather than waste our limited time together online in fighting and clearing things that have long been "devalued".

so again, talk things over---be transparent to what you really feel over something. open communication always clears things out, at least for me. then decide to accept realities of your partner's past---this is the only way. you cannot run from the past. face it bravely and you'll see that it's not that scary and intimidating after all. and then make a conscious effort of valuing the present---you and her---rather than sulk about something that has been over. stay focus on your relationship, make it flourish! commit to support each other; it cements the relationship.

sorry for the long reply. hope you get past the jealousy stage. it's normal.

[BJL_Sweetheart1109]

We don't talk about the past. We've talked about things just so we know about one another, like I know his ex cheated on him so I made sure in the beginning to assure him I would be always be here.....or told him about my ex and things he did that led to the break up. But other than that we don't talk about it. I obviously know there have been girls before me, but I don't want to hear about them. We just don't talk about it. I like what stileliebe said about focusing on your relationship. If it bothers you that much I wouldn't talk about it. I sure don't ask questions.....I don't want to know about girls in his past.

[MadMolly]

We've both been with other people, he has been with a LOT of people haha, and I don't let it bother me at all. I do not get very jealous over physical stuff but I can sort of understand because I am his first real longterm relationship (he's never been serious with anyone else) so if he had had a serious girlfriend before me I don't know how I'd feel if he'd had his first "love" with someone else.

Trust me, she's not going to be thinking of her ex at ALL when you guys see eachother!

[Alisz]

I agree with Yin Yang. That's how I try to view it. We're old enough to know that we're not each other's firsts. Granted, he's more experienced than me and he knows it, but in a way I think it's preferable. I like that he knows what he's doing. That he knows what he wants. I feel more secure in our relationship because we're with each other because we want to be. He was single for a long time before we got together. He had even given up on dating because he couldn't find someone he wanted to be with. With his experience he knew what he didn't want and he knew what he wanted. When we started dating he explained this to me and that I was exactly what he wanted. And the feeling's mutual between us. ^^

But I still feel down and hurt when he talks about his previous relationships. I'm not comfortable yet to know a lot about them. It is a bit of that "first" feeling, but more of a "I can't do that right now" feeling. Since we haven't met each other in person yet hearing about kissing and cuddling past partners is hurtful because I haven't had the chance to yet. I feel like we should have our "firsts" before I hear about his past ones, y'know? He respects my views and agreed that we not have a serious discussion about it until we're face-to-face.

We do think it's important to talk about it because it helps us understand each other more and how we got to where we are now. Like I have a few issues leftover from past relationships that make me reluctant or wary with certain things. I know that he's not my past, but it helps him to understand where I'm coming from so he doesn't misunderstand and think the problem is him.

Try not to think about it too much and enjoy your relationship. Ask if you really want to know, but don't torture yourself. And keep in mind that you're in the relationship right now. Her past is just that, her past. They're not together for a reason and you guys are. ^^

[archangel]

Heh... I'll start off by saying my SO seen this thread last night and told me about this, this morning. She thought for the most part I had overcome this but by posting this she feels as if I doubt her, which I do not doubt her. All I was looking for was advice and some help to over come this, since these feelings come and go and I would rather have them gone completely. Thanks everyone who replied I shall reply back to you below.

@xsomanymilesx: Reassurance about the past would be nice, but I feel moving on overall would be better for me. Since like you said, the past is irrelevant and we are together and that is what matters. I also do have a tendency to over think a lot of things and worrying about stuff I shouldn't.... so maybe that is also playing a role in this mess. Or maybe what is bothering me may lay somewhere else?

@Zephii: Nothing wrong with knowing your partners past and knowing how they broke is a guess helpful; but me and my SO already talked about that once before and promised not to speak of it again... and now look where I am, I am talking about it again. True, and you know I never thought of that, that people are becoming intimate at much younger age now making it impossible to find someone who hasn't kissed or cuddled. Thanks for your last piece of advice Zephii, that brings it all home... since she won't be thinking of him when we are together only us. hmmm... do you think me bring up her ex more than she would like to, since I promised I wouldn't after that first conversation, could cause a little tension in trusting each other?

@Yin Yang: First off... what is wrong being someone first bf/gf and why would you freak? I do agree with you..stirring up the past will bring nothing good out of it... only jealousy. Also true enough, she is with me not him and that is what matters. We are together and love each other.

@garnet: Actually, her previous experience hurt her emotionally and made her think a lot more what is love because she feared having her heart broken again. If I would have been there, she wouldn't have to face the dark side of love... but I guess everyone has to. Yeah... I really should leave the past where it belongs.. in the past after all, I do not want to rock the love boat.

@Marian: Heh, yeah I should have thought about that before posting this thread, but hey we all live and learn. Also yeah, If I would be her first there would be a lot more pressure on me which might and could have made it worse, and possibly even higher expectations. Wow Marian... talk about direct in-your-face for your last line! Feels almost like you have slapped me...eeesh. Nothing wrong with that too... it is just I must stop thinking about it and I am going to overcome it. then everything will be fine. Should I try maybe looking at from the other side, how much my SO means to me?

@greensaflovebug: WHAM! your post is similar to Marians, since they both kinda relate. I get what you are saying that the past is what has made us what we are now. I just need to control it so it won't rule me and my relationship. Is there possibly another way of asking some of these questions or a way to talk about which is less direct compared to asking the questions right out front in the conversation?

@stileliebe: thanks! We have supported each other in the past, and we probably should talk over things that bother each of us more. Just one barrier we keep on running into is that my SO doesn't always want to talk about those thing for the fear that she is going to anger or offend me. Instead she just goes quiet. I am sure you can relate. Do you have any tips how we could discuss future disagreements or things related to the past/jealousy?

@BJL_Sweetheart1109: The idea of not talking about it in my opinion does not make things better, rather it causes more tension between us and sometimes a sense of doubt and distrust. I would rather talk about it and know.. how, when, and why so I know what my SO has been through and what she likes and dislikes.

@MadMolly: Oh I trust you! When we meet it will be about us and not him. Just that is still two months away so what we may run into now while we are apart may affect our actions when we are together. but then again, our love is strong so why worry.

@Alisz: I guess that first thing I am talking about is really more like a dream in this world now a days. And yeah I should not worry about the past or be tortured by it, trying to find answers to questions I should you preferably avoid. But in some ways I would still rather talk about it and know rather than keeping secrets from my SO.

I'm just throwing it out there since it was brought up in someones reply... but what is wrong with being someones first boyfriend/girlfriend?

Thanks again everyone your advice helps a lot! Just for me... since I was rejected so many times in the past because I'd drop the L-bomb too soon or there would be no compatibility between me and her it is harder for me to related to all of you who have been in a previous relationship. I really should be and stop worrying about this mere jealously relating to the past. Also today I feel have managed to get by it, just I know it may return in the future.... the curiosity of which I shall not pursue. I would also like to this thread in the past, but that is easier said that done since advice is always better than arguments. I hope my SO if you are reading this that you understand I posted this because I love you and I want to quell a side of me I personally don't like either, so please don't be mad or doubtful of me. You mean everything to me and the sooner I can find a solution to keep this jaded ghost of past love away the better I will feel. Maybe the keys to the cage are closer than they appear to me in my mind....

[BJL_Sweetheart1109]

I think MadMolly is right about when you get together. I'm so sure about us that I'm not worried about his past. Although he's told me stories here and there about other girls and I did feel a little jealous. It's just natural. But I'm just so sure about us that it doesn't matter, I know he's all about me now and I know that's all he'll ever be about! ;D I'd say chances are, when you're finally together and you two see how great you two finally are together, it won't be on your mind so much. And if you're SO reads this I never interpreted as she was doubting you....more like she was doubting that part of herself and didn't like it, wanted to know how to stop all that thinking. Good luck you two!

[Alisz]

I'm just throwing it out there since it was brought up in someones reply... but what is wrong with being someones first boyfriend/girlfriend?

I don't think there's anything really wrong with it. There are plenty of people who have ended up with their first loves. But I think with inexperience there is also a sense of insecurity. I'm not sure if that's the right word. ^^;;

I remember my first serious relationship. In the beginning I felt like things were great. I probably even ignored some of the bigger warning signs because it was my first and I didn't know what to look for. As it went on I found myself wondering how I knew I was in love if I had nothing to compare it to. I still felt in love, but I wasn't sure if it was for the right reasons. Sometimes I doubted my feelings. Wondering if that was what I really wanted. I think the realization that wasn't what I wanted for myself was a contributing factor to the breakup.

Obviously every relationship is different. He was experienced and knew what he wanted. My idea wasn't so clear. Right now it is. Ray is the type of man I want to be with. We get along for all the right reasons, but we're still different people to keep things interesting. We don't butt heads over many issues and we're agreeable with each other. Something that I think is important is we share the same morals. We want to be in a serious committed relationship with each other and we're willing to work out whatever comes our way.

[Mio]

At the beginning when he told me about his past, which was way bigger than mine lol I was a little upset, and I couldn't understand why, because for me the past is the past, but still I was upset. But with time those feelings went away and now I don't even think about. Time heals a lot of things.