Weight...?

[rusty15]

I had this same problem, whenever you see a hot guy on Tv/movies say "wow he has a great body" or do you have a celeb. crush? somewhat not in a mean way hint at the weight? encourage him to do cardio together, walk/run/bike/swim/tennis anything to get you both atice together, maybe you will find something you enjoy.

After a couple weeks of me talking about other guys/hinting to lose weight/working out together, he does it all on his own now (now that we are apart), and has lost weight and looking great.

[JennyRW]

I see it in this way: today is the weight, tomorrow is gonna be oh hun after the pregnacy your body is not the same... Don't you want a lipo ot tummytok, or new boobs... Years laters will be hun you are getting too old... I don't have anything against cirjury but If I do it is because I will decided to do it by myself, I want to be with someone who loves me no matter how fat and old I look! The way that my parents love eachother! (My dad say that my mom, being today 57 years old, still looks like the 18 years old that he met, which is obvesly imposible but for his eyes is true)The way I love my bf! He is a little overweight and I have never say anyhing, his dr said he is perfectly healthy and actually he eats healthy most of the time, the only thing he needs to do is exercies 3 times a week (that is what the dr said), so I starded encouraging him to do it, but only because the dr said it, not because anything else, I know he is completely healthy so that its what I care.
And I'm not sensitive about the weight, I am in my perfect weight, the last two years I loose a lot without even trying and I am really happy of how I look. It s just that I love him so much that i don't care if he has some extra pounds as soon as he is healthy. People the eyes are in your heart! Like in another thread was discusse the atracktion grows with time because with time you fall in love. So your bf or gf could be Quasimodo but for your eyes he would be your prince if you are really in love

[Zephii]

I see it in this way: today is the weight, tomorrow is gonna be oh hun after the pregnacy your body is not the same... Don't you want a lipo ot tummytok, or new boobs... Years laters will be hun you are getting too old... I don't have anything against cirjury but If I do it is because I will decided to do it by myself, I want to be with someone who loves me no matter how fat and old I look! The way that my parents love eachother! (My dad say that my mom, being today 57 years old, still looks like the 18 years old that he met, which is obvesly imposible but for his eyes is true)The way I love my bf! He is a little overweight and I have never say anyhing, his dr said he is perfectly healthy and actually he eats healthy most of the time, the only thing he needs to do is exercies 3 times a week (that is what the dr said), so I starded encouraging him to do it, but only because the dr said it, not because anything else, I know he is completely healthy so that its what I care.
And I'm not sensitive about the weight, I am in my perfect weight, the last two years I loose a lot without even trying and I am really happy of how I look. It s just that I love him so much that i don't care if he has some extra pounds as soon as he is healthy. People the eyes are in your heart! Like in another thread was discusse the atracktion grows with time because with time you fall in love. So your bf or gf could be Quasimodo but for your eyes he would be your prince if you are really in love

While this is an understandable concern, I wanted to add that generally speaking people's tastes mature with them. When I was 15 I thought Hanson were hot. Now I'm in my 20s I'm attracted mostly to men in my age group. When I'd go out with mum and we'd look at men (hey we were both single) she wasn't looking at boys - she was perving on men her own age, and had a fairly realistic grasp of "hot" in that age group. So, chances are, IMO that your partner stands a good chance of still remaining attracted to you when you're looking your age.

Or at least it's a good theory. It also doesn't hurt to talk to your partner about their expectations after pregnany and make sure they know that your body wont be the same (incase they aren't bright enough to figure it out on their own!)

[JennyRW]

my bf is not like that, he never ever would tell me anything like that. I just think what the OP wants its too imature, she wants him to loose weight to atractive, ah but tomorrow she'll be pregnant or old or whatever and he will ask her to do something about it and she cannot complain because she did the same to him...
So obviesly she doesn't love him the way he is, she whants to change him, that is the problem
And I see it in this way if you don't look like Miss Universe don't try to make your bf to look like Mister Universe

[Tanja]

I never mean to be mean when I post. I try to be realistic and bring out MY opinion on things - isn't that what you do on a forum? No-one is forced to listen to what I have to say, no-one is supposed to like it or hate it, it's just my opinion.

I don't like my body. I'm too chubby imo and I want to lose weight and go back to being thin and wearing sexy clothes but I'm just too darn lazy to excercise regularly. Sometimes I wish my SO would tell me that I should make more of an effort. If he flat out told me that he would find me more attractive if I lost weight it would motivate me definitely to do something about it. But instead he keeps telling me he loves me the way I am which of course is great but sometimes I wonder if he's being honest or just saying it cause 'it's the right thing to say'. And he buys me plenty of chocolate cause he knows I love it and then I feel guilty for having it cause I know it's not good for me. It's just so damn delicious

I know for a fact there are several medical conditions that cause people to gain weight uncontrollably; meds you have to take can cause it; depression can cause it; disabilities that prevent you from moving causes it... But also people being plain lazy causes it too. That is a fact no-one can deny. Sometimes the truth hurts but I still think it's better to hear it and know you can have an effect on it rather than just think 'I can't do anything to change myself, this is just who I am and I hate it but oh well'. If the reason you are overweight is because you don't take care of yourself then there's no-one else to blame for it and no reason to get angry at people about it. I blame only ME for letting myself get so counter-productive with my weight loss.

I don't think the OP is asking too much. It doesn't mean she'll stop loving her bf if he doesn't work on his belly, she's simply saying it would make him more attractive in her eyes. It's like putting on a fancy dress, make-up and jewelry when you go out on a date; you want to make yourself pretty in your partner's eyes.

[lucybelle]

What Tanja said

I'm sure this will make some people mad but "genetics" only has a certain amount to do with being overweight. Yes some are bigger or smaller than others. The end. But in order to sustain being 50+ pounds overweight you have to consume an incredible amount of calories. I also believe it is a "nurture" effect more than "nature". The way you were brought up certainly shapes lifestyles.

Also, I'm really glad that my SO forces me to exercise. It keeps me accountable for the way I look. The whole "I'm who I am take it or leave it" sort of bothers me. I think relationships are about compromise and if my SO would love it if I lost a few pounds and grew my hair out, then that's what I'll do for him. Because I know he would do the same for me.

[Haley53]

my bf is not like that, he never ever would tell me anything like that. I just think what the OP wants its too imature, she wants him to loose weight to atractive, ah but tomorrow she'll be pregnant or old or whatever and he will ask her to do something about it and she cannot complain because she did the same to him...
So obviesly she doesn't love him the way he is, she whants to change him, that is the problem
And I see it in this way if you don't look like Miss Universe don't try to make your bf to look like Mister Universe

I both agree and disagree.

I disagree in the sense that sometimes you can fall in love with someone for who they are before you're even aware of what they are. An example of this would be my ex-boyfriend (bear with me here). I would say that, perhaps stupidly, we did not exchange pictures or cam until many months later - in our defence, neither one of us had expected our relationship to progress past the point of flirting with one another - even though we had spoken via MSN, text, and the phone. Because our modes of communication had lacked the visual component, my crushing on him was based solely and completely on who he presented himself to be. When we finally decided to cam, it wasn't that I had a visual already of him in mind, but I'll be honest and say I was not initially attracted because he was, simply, not my type. We did end up dating for a year and a half; I did find his attractive qualities, though even then I still wouldn't say he was my "prince," as you put it, again, because he wasn't my type. And I suppose I may not have been his, considering he wanted me to look more like a Megan Fox than anything it seemed like!

It sounds like that may have been what happened with the OP. She fell in love with him for who he was/is. She was not aware of his weight at the time, even if she may have received glimpses of it through head shots and webcam. Weight, to me, has never been and will likely never be a big deal, but for my mother, for example, weight is a big thing to her, because weight, to a degree, represents lifestyle. Now, based on how this came across on another site (this issue has come up there as well), I don't want anyone twisting my words to say that I'm talking about the lifestyle of every overweight individual. I'm well aware of genetics, medications, thyroid or other medical conditions, etc. that can influence this. But my mother lives a very active lifestyle, and I'm not sure someone too significantly overweight could keep up with her, simply because she's an active person and enjoys rigorous physical acitivity on a regular basis (oh how dirty this sounds :P). That doesn't mean my mother's a bad person. It means my mother has something that does not work for her. The OP's SO's weight may be something that does not work for her, and she should not be condemned for it.

That said, I agree in the sense I do not think it's fair to ask him to change for her. I don't think anyone should have to change unless it's a) bordering on unhealthy or b) a change they want to make for themselves.

To the OP, I think if anything, you can approach this in the way of yourself. If you want him to live a more active, healthy lifestyle and start losing the weight, see what you can add or take away from your routine to do the same. Maybe you exercise a few times a week, perhaps you could tell him you want an exercise partner to help keep motivated. Or perhaps there's an exercise challenge you can find online - x-number of steps in x-number of days, for example - perhaps you could invite him to do it with you. Try and get him engaged, but be sure to be engaged in it yourself as well. Make it a couple's activity. If he doesn't care to participate, you honestly can't force him.

What I strongly encourage you not to do is comment on other men. Though it has worked for others, my opinion is that it hasn't worked for the right reasons. Imagine if he were constantly commenting on other women, even if they were "only" film or TV stars. You may note what he's pointing out about these women and want to work to make those changes yourself, but would you be doing it for you/because it's something fun for you and your partner, or would you do it because he's pointing out things about other women? To me, using other people as examples and commenting on them is only going to foster and breed insecurity. It's only going to put pressure on him to lose weight out of fear and insecurity, and I don't think this is the way anyone should go about treating their partners. It does come across as demeaning and condescending (I, for example, am never going to look like Megan Fox and I do not strive to; I don't find her attractive, especially not in comparison to some other film stars...) and I do think it uses insecurities as a way of getting what you want; to me, this is taking advantage of your partner, though I understand and respect not everyone sees it this way.

But my best advice is make it a couple's activity, to both live healthier lifestyles, but if he doesn't want to change, you can't force him to, and it's up to you to decide if weight is a dealbreaker for you or not.

[Minerva]

Also, I'm really glad that my SO forces me to exercise. It keeps me accountable for the way I look. The whole "I'm who I am take it or leave it" sort of bothers me. I think relationships are about compromise and if my SO would love it if I lost a few pounds and grew my hair out, then that's what I'll do for him. Because I know he would do the same for me.

If that's what works for you and your relationship, that's what works. You're both willing to change superficial things about yourselves to please the other person. Nothing wrong with that. But it's not something I understand. I don't think compromise is about changing who you are to please someone else. I like my hair the way it is. If my SO asked me to change it, I'd wonder why he's fixated on something so superficial, and it would bother me. And I wouldn't do it.

To me, compromise only works if both parties are OK with the compromise. I'm perfectly willing to compromise on many things, but my style, how I dress, how I wear my hair -- no. I dress and style myself for myself, to feel good about myself. I'm sorry, it's none of his business how I dress or wear my hair. I'm not a doll for him to dress up and style into his perfect woman. As I said before, of course I'd wear something he found sexy, but I'm not about to change my looks or style for him. And I don't expect him to do so for me.

Again, I think this boils down to what's important to each person. If looks are important, if weight or style or hair is important, then you can compromise. For someone like me, I love my SO the way he is and expect the same from him in return.

I do wonder about those so caught up in looks what they would do if their partner suddenly lost their looks? If it's so vitally important, what happens if the physical attraction starts to fade? What if you or your partner doesn't age well? What if they became disfigured? I'm not being snarky here, I'm genuinely curious.

[LeilaniJoi]

That said, I agree in the sense I do not think it's fair to ask him to change for her. I don't think anyone should have to change unless it's a) bordering on unhealthy or b) a change they want to make for themselves.

Very true.

That said, I feel especially lucky after reading so many of these posts that my SO does love me for what and who I am, not for something he wants me to be. That about says it all for me.

[lucybelle]

I do wonder about those so caught up in looks what they would do if their partner suddenly lost their looks? If it's so vitally important, what happens if the physical attraction starts to fade? What if you or your partner doesn't age well? What if they became disfigured? I'm not being snarky here, I'm genuinely curious.

There's things that one can control, and things that just happen. Weight can be controlled. Weight can be changed. Hair grows back. Clothes go out of style. I find it strange that you wouldn't go get a perm if your SO thought you would look nice with straight/curly hair or wear a certain outfit because your SO wants you to try something new. Before I met my SO I hardly ever shaved my legs. But he wants me to shave my legs. So I do. I don't feel like I'm compromising myself. I feel like I'm trying to appeal more to my SO. Would he love me even if I never shaved? Yes. Would he love me even more if I shaved every day? No. But he just LIKES it, so I don't understand why doing something to please your SO is such a bad thing. It's like giving gifts. You give gifts to make your SO happy. That gift could be an MP3 player or growing your hair out. "Things" are just as artificial as looks, so why do we even bother to give them presents? Why send flowers or chocolates or electronics? Because it makes them happy and we want them to be happy.

Disfiguring events are something completely out of our control and I am certainly not talking about that and I don't believe anyone on here was.

[Minerva]

I’m not trying to be difficult. I’m honestly boggled by such a priority on appearance. I understand needing to be attracted to your SO. Of course you need to be. But that spark is usually there or it isn’t, and it either grows or it doesn’t. I don’t quite understand how having a bit of a belly, or having longer hair can be such a distraction if you’re already fundamentally attracted to someone.

And no, I would not get a perm if my SO asked me to. We actually talked about this, because I was curious about his opinion on the subject. He said, well, how would you feel if I said you’d look good with redder hair? I said that’s easy – I agree. I’ve tried for years to get my hair redder. And if he said I’d look good with blond hair, I might nod and agree, but I wouldn’t reach for the bleach. Now if he told me he’d be more attracted to me with blond hair because he prefers blonds, and thus I should consider bleaching my hair for him, I’d be boarder-line offended. If that was such a priority, he could date a blond, not a redhead.

Obviously you’re ok with the changes your SO has suggested. But what if he suggested you make a change you didn’t agree with? What if he said, “honey, I’d love you in a mohawk.” What if he felt you looked most attractive in very low-cut tops that made you uncomfortable? I’m going to extremes to make a point. But where do you draw the line between pleasing your SO and pleasing yourself?

My style and how I wear my hair is one way I express myself. The point isn’t that it’s easy to change and hair grows back. The point is I’m not going to change something about myself that is my own. Not everyone feels as strongly about this as I do, obviously. Will I wear a dress my SO finds sexy? Of course. Will I ruin my hair with a perm and hate how I look for 6-10 months? No way.

And I’m not trying to build a strawman with the disfigurement question. It just seems a natural progression of the conversation. If you don’t find your SO attractive with a potbelly, how would you feel if he lost all his hair? If he ages poorly? If he gets in an accident and ends up disfigured? Attraction is attraction, and if appearance is important for one situation (one your SO can change), why isn’t it as important for a situation your so CAN’T change?

[snow_girl]

But where do you draw the line between pleasing your SO and pleasing yourself?

I don't think you would do it if you weren't comfortable with the request. I can please my SO by wearing what he likes or leaving my hair long because I am not totally against it to begin with. If you have to go to extremes to make your point then ya chances are we are going to agree with you. BUt don't make it sound like just because someone choose to please their SO in these ways that they don't do anything for themselves. If someone wasn't comfortable they wouldn't do it, that is where the line is drawn.

[Minerva]

I don't think you would do it if you weren't comfortable with the request. I can please my SO by wearing what he likes or leaving my hair long because I am not totally against it to begin with. If you have to go to extremes to make your point then ya chances are we are going to agree with you. BUt don't make it sound like just because someone choose to please their SO in these ways that they don't do anything for themselves. If someone wasn't comfortable they wouldn't do it, that is where the line is drawn.

Well yes, that's pretty much my point actually. There is a line. My personal line is at "no changes even if requested unless I agree I like them too." Obviously other peoples' lines are in a different place. I've been responding to lucybelle's idea that someone unwilling to change for their SO is unwilling to compromise or try to make them happy. Just because my line is in a different place doesn't mean I'm unwilling to compromise with my SO. It doesn't mean I'm so inflexable that I wouldn't try to make him happy in other ways.

[Tanja]

If that's what works for you and your relationship, that's what works. You're both willing to change superficial things about yourselves to please the other person. Nothing wrong with that. But it's not something I understand. I don't think compromise is about changing who you are to please someone else. I like my hair the way it is. If my SO asked me to change it, I'd wonder why he's fixated on something so superficial, and it would bother me. And I wouldn't do it.

I do wonder about those so caught up in looks what they would do if their partner suddenly lost their looks? If it's so vitally important, what happens if the physical attraction starts to fade? What if you or your partner doesn't age well? What if they became disfigured? I'm not being snarky here, I'm genuinely curious.

I don't think you're changing who you ARE if you get a new hairstyle or new clothes your SO thinks look good on you. They're both temporary things. It's not like you're changing your whole personality and lifestyle when you're doing something simple like that to please your SO. It sounds like doing something related to looks to make your SO happy is wrong. I don't get it, I'm sorry but I just don't

Also, why do you think that if we like 'superficial' things means we don't love our SO's for who they are? That if they get sick, they lose their looks, get disfgured etc we would get up and run cause it's all we care about? You couldn't be further from the truth there, not in my case anyway. I love my SO for who he is as a person and I'd never ever leave him because of something like that. It's not vitally important to me at all.

I love it when my SO grows a beard. So he does it every few months cause he knows I love it. He loves it that I have long hair so I don't cut it cause I know it makes him happy. I don't think that makes us bad, superficial people.

[LeilaniJoi]

The point being that losing weight, coloring your hair or whatever you do ... do it for yourself, not because an SO wants you to. Especially with weight, it HAS to be something you want to do for you. It's not like coloring your hair or changing clothes, though those as well should be done for you first and foremost and not for anyone else.

Do I dress sexy sometimes to turn my guy on? You betcha Would I do it if I wasn't comfortable or felt like it was the only way I could hang onto him? never.