Is it possible to overcome an abusive nature?

[HollzHeartsChris]

ANY abuse of ANY kind is damaging and shouldn't be taken lightly. I know this for a fact. I know I've posted once, but get yourself out, hun. Cause otherwise you'll regret it seriously.

[Minerva]

Makes me sad to see so many people with past abusive relationships.

OP, here you're among friends and people who understand, even if you've only posted once, even if you do break up with this man, please stick around. I haven't been on this forum long, and I don't always agree with what everyone says, but the one thing that's wonderful about this forum is the support you can get.

I know how hard it is to leave a relationship like this. I know the shame of going back to someone who hurts me, to hate myself for going back, for not always understanding why I'd go back, and I know what it's like to lose the support of friends after I'd go back. I understand it's not always easy to leave -- I understand the weird mental place you can be in that draws you back almost against your will, and I'm sure others here do as well. I'm not saying you'll get sucked into that cycle, but so many people do. So please, stick around, befriend people who understand and who have been there and who won't judge you, because you may need that kind of support.

I wasn't abused physically, but I was mentally and sexually abused. As far as I'm concerned, the mental and sexual abuse were equally as bad, though people who have never been in an abusive relationship probably don't understand how mental abuse can be just as bad as sexual abuse. All abuse is damaging, because it's all a violation, it's all about tearing down a human being until there's nothing left.

*hugs all around*

[SquishyLove]

I feel bad that my first post here is asking for advice, but well, with my current situation I don't really have much of a need to post anything else on this site. :/

I've been in a LDR with my boyfriend for 2 years and 8 months now. We've had a lot of ups and downs, but the downs were REALLY down. We went through several periods where we did nothing but fight. I don't want to get into all the details, but he has shown evidence of both emotional and physical abuse, and while it was incredibly difficult I tried leaving him a couple of times but always went crawling back. With the support of my best friend I managed to finally say goodbye last night. It's only been 24 hours but it feels like weeks and I'm aching inside.

During this heartbroken conflict I've obviously been going back and forth between anger and sadness and longing, and all these thoughts keep whirling around in my head a mile a minute. I don't want to leave him, I don't want to be without him, I love him so much and he means the world to me even now. But I am scared that if we continued the relationship to actually meeting he could turn the emotional abuse into physical abuse.

One of those thoughts nagging the back of my mind is... can an abusive nature be overcome? Truly? I feel like he could very well be my soulmate and everything about us clicked so perfectly, but I know I don't deserve to be treated so poorly. I can't help wondering if it would be worth my time to take a year or however long necessary and have him go to therapy or something to overcome this nature. But I worry he would only regress down the line. Of course I know he'd have to be willing to do it and want to do it for himself and for me. He has understood in the past that certain things he's done have been abusive in nature.

I guess I just don't want to make myself hurt anymore if I try to go down that path only to find out it's not something he can get over. I want to know now if I should just give up and try to move on. I'm terrified of letting go completely, though. Right now I know he's in a state of mind where he doesn't really believe it's over... I've tried leaving him in the past, as I've said, but then I just crawled back because I wanted him so much. Just going by his usual behaviour, I think he might email me in a couple of days. I'm not sure if he'll still be angry at me or asking for me back. I'll have to see... if he even does it.

I bolded, made bigger, and made red the place where you say what's not the truth. If he abuses you, he's not your soulmate and things don't click perfectly. An abusive nature cannot be overcome, and I know this from my ex, who was an emotional abuser. He went from being emotionally abusive to physically abusive. He never changed, and he never got better. He wasn't beating me up routinely, but during fights it was always what I'd describe as "borderline" when he would get really mad - he would do something like grab my hair and pull on it, or push me up to the wall after grabbing me by the shirt collar. It never escalated but when I finally woke up and knew it could, and finally woke up to the fact that he was capable of doing more harm to me, I got away. Best decision I ever made. That relationship left me with a lot of scars, a huge wall around my heart, and a lot of trust issues. My fiance is super patient because he knew what I went through with my ex. It's been a long time since that relationship ended, but I found that it took a long time for me to be able to really open up. I really strongly believe you made the right decision. No one deserves any kind of abuse, be it emotional/psychological or physical. He won't get over it. They never do. An abuser is an abuser. I know it sounds harsh, but it's reality. He's at a safe distance from you now, but imagine if a conflict escalates to the point where he gets very mad and can't control himself...he could hurt you more than emotionally. You did the right thing. You'll feel better with time, and now you'll know some red flags to look out for later. And there are GOOD guys out there who won't hurt you in any way. "The only one worth your tears will not be the cause of them" <---the exception to this rule is missing my fiance - I cry from missing him, but he himself isn't the cause of my tears. He doesn't make me cry. Let time heal you, and surround yourself with positive people who will help build you up. Good luck, and keep reaffirming to yourself that you're worth more and worthy of someone who truly loves you when the time is right!

---------- Post added at 05:46 PM ---------- Previous post was at 05:44 PM ----------

Maybe it is, and maybe it isn't, I don't know, but I do know abuse of any kind makes a relationship not worth saving at all. My ex-husband was very verbally abusive, but in his past that abuse was physical. He was just SO proud of himself because he didn't beat up women anymore, instead he moved on to emotional and verbal abuse, though he refused to recognize that. I was afraid of him, and lived in fear for a long time, until my secret plan of getting him to leave me finally, finally worked. There was no other way, had I left him, he and his fucked-up family would have made life absolute hell for me and my daughter. Early into our "marriage", he was diagnosed with a brain tumor; 3 surgeries and radiation later left him a completely different person, except for the abusive part. Sadly, that's the one part of him that remained consistent.

Look, I know it hurts, but IT'S JUST NOT WORTH IT, I promise you, it's not. If he treats you like this before you've even met, what do you think it'll be like once you have? I guarantee it won't be better. Every argument will he him getting meaner, if he gets physical, it will increase every time. He'll tell you he can't help it, he just loves you so much, but you make him SO angry, he can't control it and it's your fault. Just don't do this to yourself. Get out while it's still LDR and easier, he can't get to you. If you wait, and possibly close the distance, forget it, your life just got infinitely more difficult. Just block him from chat, FB, whatever else you have him in, delete any emails without reading them, just disappear from his life, no explanations, no nothing. If you let him talk to you, he'll talk you into staying, no doubt. Don't let that happen. Don't give him the opportunity to wreck your life, just get out now.

This! This is excellent advice!

[Emsuu]

Thanks so much, everyone. Deep down I really knew it was a longshot, if not an impossible chance, for it to be "treated" so to speak, but I really needed something to help block off that "what if" trail of thought.

My father is emotionally and verbally abusive, but he's very good at hiding it. The type with a silver tongue. He controlled my mother for many years, but when she finally realized what was going on and he started losing that control he very literally slipped away like a snake in the grass. (He said he had a job opportunity in another province and he'd move me and my mother down there once he was settled in. That ended with him living in another country with a new wife.) I finally stopped being in contact with him myself a bit over a year ago now. So, yeah, I understand the "marrying your father" thing.

I've heard a lot of stories growing up and I always vowed I'd instantly leave a guy if he did anything like that to me. But I've realized how incredibly blind your heart can make you, and how hard it is to recognize abuse that isn't physical sometimes. He's the type to basically take his anger out on me, and while the number of nights when it got very obviously abusive (name calling and such) I can count on one hand, it's still in his nature and I'm so tired of the apologies and promises to not do it again. The thing that kept me going was that he would change, for a time, but then it always fell back apart. It hurts. He told me stories of his childhood and from the sounds of it his father had a rather abusive nature as well. I honestly think that he wouldn't physically hurt me -- unless it got incredibly dire and I didn't let him go. When he gets into a really bad mood he goes for a walk to clear his head, but if he can't get that then he lashes out. Fight or flight, I guess.

I know it's not worth it, but it just hurts so much. Everyone's support means a lot to me, and while I'm so sorry you all have experienced the awful things that you have, I truly appreciate you taking the time and effort to confide in me and help me. It means the world.

Edit: I forgot to add that I was considering an abuse centre or hotline or something, but I was worried that they wouldn't take it seriously considering it's online... But they take cyber bullying seriously, so I hope this would be the same, right?

[HollzHeartsChris]

We're here to help I'm sorry for what's happened, but it was for the best. Stay strong

[Rugger]

Sweetie, as someone who was in an emotionally abusive relationship ( as many of the other poster have), you did the right thing by getting out. You need to resist the temptation to go back to him. People like that rarely IF EVER change. You need to stay away, get over him and move on with your life.

[Haley53]

Didn't mean to imply that the effects of physical abuse are less than other types of abuse... I just meant that emotional abuse can be the more detrimental part of abuse in a lot of cases. It was for me anyways. I just wanted to try to emphasize that it's not so much an escalation to go from emotional abuse and psychological abuse to physical abuse. But sorry if I offended!

It really makes me sad how many people on here have been through so much abuse. *hugs everyone*

You didn't offend me. <3 I was simply putting my thoughts in on the matter, and I do think it's case-by-case in ways.

EDIT: And @OP, any abuse should be taken seriously. Whether it happens online or IRL, abuse is abuse, so yes, I should hope your women's centre/survivors of domestic violence centre would take your story seriously. Anyone worth their salt will, because emotional and mental abuse are extremely detrimental, and neither particularly need one physically present to happen. You're doing the right thing. Chin up. <3

[garnet]

My ex husband verbally, and then physically abused me for years. I didn't deserve it. No one does. I genuinely hope you stay out of that relationship. The right man for you? He won't make you have to ask these types of questions, you know?
Also, calling one of those support lines is a great idea. I have had to call a suicide hotline (not for myself, but fear for someone else), and it was anonymous, and very very helpful. Those people are very caring.

[JennyRW]

Hi everybody and OP, I'm surprise how many of us have been abused, so we are here for mutual support! If any of you want to write to me to talk please do it! Let me tell a little more about my story...

Well I want to start saying that I love my parents and I never had the abuse "example" in home, so for me the saying of marring your dad doesn't apply. But like I said beforee, my ex was very abusive. Until today it affects me, sometimes I just feel that I hate myself for letting someone do that to me, I still cry over it onece in a while. It is hard to let that on the pass, but I do my best because now I have a wonderful bf who is exacly the opposite of my abusive ex... I felt very identify with all of your stories, but specially with Eclaire's, with the difference that my relationship was CD. Basically he did everything and say everything to make me feel less, like nobody else will ever love, like I couldn't do anything right, everything was my fault, and if I didn't call him every 3 hours he became sooo mad, he was even jelous when I spended the day with my mom at the mall (I dont live in my country so I see my parents onece a year).
I hate this more and more because before that relationship I never let anybody to abuse me, there were a couple of guys that tried to do it but I was able to notice it before anything happened, the difference is that it was in my country were I had a lot of friends and family. My ex, well I recently moved here, I felt alone, my roomate supossed to be my friend but when I move with her she was a bitch... And suddenly I met a very sweet guy... I was soooo stupid! But never again!!!!
My ex even make me believe that I was the problem and I was the one who neded therapy, not him! Today I see it so ridiculous!!! He never got to the physical abuse, however he threatened me with bitting me, he even said I deserve it! So I imagine that if I would stayed longer he would ended doing it.
After we broke up he started hunting me, he went to every place that he knew I go often or I like looking if I was there, I had to avoid those places... He started calling me all the time, I didn't answer his number so he left messages, trying to manipulate me, from "I went back with my ex, I dont love you anymore, we are happy", to "I'm going to commite suiside if you dont give me another opportunity because life without you is not enough". He also left one saying "I'm just calling to give you back the money that I own you" and you know what I actually needed the money but I knew that was just a trick to see me, so my parents (who help me paying my studies when actually they are not economically stable, basically I'm eating my parents savings to not live in a dictatorship, but that is another story...)told me forget about the money, imagine you bought your freedom!!! And I hope he will have to use that money for lawyers and doctors!!!!!!! And you know it hurt me because we are short of money but I listened what my mom said and leave it like that, I bought my freedom!
Well this hunting were for some months, I was lucky that a little after we broke up my lease was endind so I move to a new place, which he didn't know about, and I also was starting a new internship that he didn't knew about either... After some months I guess he relized that I was not going to talk to him, and he couldn't find me at any of the places that he went looking for me. But you know I was pretty scare, and sometimes I still scare of run into him specailly because he works in security so he has two guns with him all the time, they are hiden so if you don't know about the guns you wouldn't notice, but I know he loves to have them with him even when he is not working...
When I started dating my current bf I was super scared to see this guy somewhere, luckyly my bf used to live like 45 minuts from me so I used to stay at his place and we used to go to the places on his area mostly... Now my bf moved to another state so better! I am going to visit him in 2 days and I'm so exited and I love it there because I don't have to worry for running into that ex...
I am actually really lucky that I found my current bf, he helped little by little to re-built my self esteem (also my parents and friends did too). I just wish I could move with him to close the distance.

I want to end this reminding you that we are all awsome!!!! we left these abusive guys and coninue with our lifes and that is not easy! So please be strong! For those who are just leaving the abusive guy we are here to give support so don't hesitate if you need to talk or any advise, I also hope you'll find an awsome guy pretty soon! I want to send hughs to all of you! Don't ever forget that WE DESERVE THE BEST BECAUSE WE ARE AWESOME WOMEN!!!!!

[Miramaid]

I need advice. How did you all finally BELIEVED that is was NOT your fault. I hear it and all but i still feel like there was a chunk of it that i was at fault. I can not even pin point WHAT it was but i feel like i m guilty it did not work out. As if i am not good enough or just did not figure him out, or did not try hard enough...

[HollzHeartsChris]

I need advice. How did you all finally BELIEVED that is was NOT your fault. I hear it and all but i still feel like there was a chunk of it that i was at fault. I can not even pin point WHAT it was but i feel like i m guilty it did not work out. As if i am not good enough or just did not figure him out, or did not try hard enough...

I thought I wasn't doing enough to make him happy. To make him love me enough. As it turned out, nothing would have ever compensated for it. I thought it was my fault cause I thought I wasn't being a good enough girlfriend or something. My dad helped me realise it wasn't my fault and that I was being hurt. I realised I was a fool, so I just got myself out of the situation. I don't remember pin pointing anything because to be honest, I had been blinded and I didn't realise it.

I failed to mention before, but when I was very young I was sexually assaulted by someone and it took me almost 10 years to finally have the guts to admit it to my parents. Seperate perhaps, but I understand how it feels to be abused. I know someone who's been abused for years and years and years and it's only now that they've had the courage to stand up for themselves. The scars they've left, on them, on me, have remained but you can't dwell on them. You just have to move on.

My apologies to everyone who's replied to this thread and has been abused. It's the singularly most disgusting, disgraceful thing I can think of :/ *Hugs*

[Minerva]

Miramaid,

Abuse is like programing, it's like being in a cult, it's like brainwashing. It takes a while for your brain to understand what really went on, and even then, even when you get it wasn't your fault, many times you still feel like it was.

The only thing that helps is time, and sometimes, depending on how deep the damage goes, it helps to talk to a therapist or someone who works with abused people. I wish I had; it might have saved me years of self blame and abusing myself. You're freshly out of the relationship. If you don't start to feel better about yourself within the next few weeks, I really suggest talking to someone about it. The damage from abuse is insidious, but it doesn't end when the abuse ends. If it goes underground, if you just suppress it, it can come back to haunt you later. There's no shame in getting help for this if you need it. Do whatever it takes to get yourself back, and do it sooner than later.

And you probably already know this, but abuse is NEVER the fault of the person abused. It's ALWAYS the fault of the abuser. And someone who abuses cannot be fixed; there is nothing you can do for them, they have to do it themselves, and so few abusers ever really change.

[Malaga]

In addition to the above, think about it like this: a normal person, person who supposedly cares for you would never punish you for anything. He'd never do anything to deliberately hurt you. Even if you did something he wasn't happy with, even if you didn't do enough for the relationship, or whatever you're feeling guilty about. Even if you really had something to feel guilty about, remember that he always could've done one of the two. He could forgive and move on, or if he couldn't forgive he could break up and leave. That's what non-abusive people do when they're hurt, people with sincere intentions. But he chose to stay and manipulate you, for his own kicks. Punishing people, especially those who care for you, it is sadistic. It has nothing to do with him being hurt or wronged by you. He simply used the opportunity to amplify your guilt and use it to pump up his shrivelled little ego.

[Minerva]

In addition to the above, think about it like this: a normal person, person who supposedly cares for you would never punish you for anything. He'd never do anything to deliberately hurt you. Even if you did something he wasn't happy with, even if you didn't do enough for the relationship, or whatever you're feeling guilty about. Even if you really had something to feel guilty about, remember that he always could've done one of the two. He could forgive and move on, or if he couldn't forgive he could break up and leave. That's what non-abusive people do when they're hurt, people with sincere intentions. But he chose to stay and manipulate you, for his own kicks. Punishing people, especially those who care for you, it is sadistic. It has nothing to do with him being hurt or wronged by you. He simply used the opportunity to amplify your guilt and use it to pump up his shrivelled little ego.

Thank you for this. I'm putting these words in my head for the next time I start blaming myself for what happened.

[Moon]

I need advice. How did you all finally BELIEVED that is was NOT your fault. I hear it and all but i still feel like there was a chunk of it that i was at fault. I can not even pin point WHAT it was but i feel like i m guilty it did not work out. As if i am not good enough or just did not figure him out, or did not try hard enough...

When I saw that NOTHING was ever his fault, even when it clearly and blatantly was, and yet somehow it was still my fault. I knew that maybe I wasn't the smartest person in the world, and I made my share of mistakes, but I simply wasn't what he was making me out to be. When he would fight with me over something way, way in my past, that was 10 years before I ever knew him and wasn't even too bad, I knew, and he did that a lot, about so many things. I knew it wasn't my fault when about every 6 months, I'd go to a semi-mandatory happy hour after work, have about 2 drinks and be home by 8pm, and he'd tell my daughter that I had a drinking problem (I rarely drank, other than that). When he'd tell me how fat and ugly I was (try a mirror, dude!), and how no one else would ever want me, I knew you just didn't say that to someone you supposedly loved.

It took some time, but I realized he was the problem, not me. I don't feel any guilt, I just feel sorry for the women after me! Don't feel bad about it anymore, abusers are also manipulators, and he set it up so that you'd feel that way about yourself. Nothing you could have done would have ever been enough, nothing, so don't let him win in the end, because he'd love it if he knew you still felt bad or guilty. And so what if it didn't work out? Most relationships don't, if you think about it, so it isn't anything unusual or horrible, just another frog to kiss until you meet your prince, y'know?