How do you handle the LDR naysayers?

[Silvaria]

I've been thinking about starting this thread for a few days, and the Dr. Phil thread make me decide to go for it.

For the last year, I was a regular on a relationship forum that seemed pretty cool. I met some great people, and made some friends.

Then I began to see the obvious bias against LDRs. Anyone in a LDR was told they should "find someone local".

There was even a Long-Distance Relationship sub-forum...and no matter what anyone posted, it was inevitable to find numerous people simply saying, "LDRs suck" and "you should find someone local".

Any time any of us in an LDR posted an issue we were having with our SO, there was the flood of people who basically said that the ONLY reason for our problems was that we were long distance, and that we NEEDED to find someone local.

I used to respond with, "Really? If finding someone local is the magical answer, then why is it that 99.9% of the people posting in the Breaking Up and Infidelity forums are in local relationships?" I never got an answer, of course...but the very next thread stating a problem in a long-distance relationship, there they would be, repeating the same mantra.

In fact, several of us had a joke that we could create a thread about how WONDERFUL our LDR was, how s/he was the PERFECT SO: Wealthy, handsome/beautiful, kind, caring, loving, giving, compassionate, and generous...and there would still be people who would say, "That's all well and good, but you NEED to find a local relationship!"

Anyhow...some of you must have surely encountered the resistance some seem to have against LDRs...how do you handle it?

[Haley53]

It's only ever bothered me if it's come from people close to me, and for the most part, I've had supportive people in my life. If they haven't been supportive of it, or if they've been too negative and concentrated on it being a LDR, I don't talk to them about it for as much as I can help it; if they have questions, I answer them to the bare minimum. When it comes to people in general, I don't think too much about/on it. They don't know me, I don't know them, and neither of us are in a position to judge one another, the relationships we're in, or the positions that we have. My opinion is that why should I let someone who doesn't even know my situation, or who's letting their own opinions and biases get in the way of objectively viewing a situation, bother me? I've never understood how some people can get so affected by what strangers say, to be quite honest, though I'm aware that statement may offend some. :/ I simply don't get why strangers on the internet, or IRL, speaking negatively of LDRs should be any more affecting than those saying something negative about CD relationships. Those strangers have no direct influence on or immediate connection to your life, so why do they matter? If it's a friend or a family member, that I can understand a little bit better, but even then I deal with it by being selective about who I tell and about who I tell what to. I don't subject myself to the negativity, and if I see it, I choose not to let it bother me. I think a lot of people forget that they have that choice.

[al525i]

When i lived stateside and we were three hours apart, i got the long distance harassment a lot from the people i worked with because i drove down almost every weekend to see her; even if it was for just one evening. I ignored them for the most part or just told them how wonderful she was. I used to get a lot of the, "I couldn't do it" which always bothers me. True love doesn't care what distance apart you are, it will find a way to work. i never understood how someone could proclaim love for their partner but be un-willing to work through the distance if the need was there.

Once from a good friend, but when I told him the distance wasn't an issue in my mind, he seemed fine and never brought it up again. My family has been extremely supportive of us from pretty early on, even asking her on holiday with them last week when they were in her area.

Since i've been deployed though, everyone i work with has been supportive and its a completely different feeling in this environment. i think a lot of it has to do with the fact that everyone here who is in a relationship is now long distance so they don't see failure an option either.

[DemonxOisin]

I live under a rock, and the only people I talk to support my relationship. Actually today, I told a new co-worker, and although it was obvious she thought I was crazy, her exact words were "Wow, well, more power to you."
Okay, I lied. I live on the internet. All the naysayers I find are on youtube. I just rage at them for a while. That´s why the Doctor Phil one pissed me off, because I couldn´t give him a nasty little comment. The funny thing is, all the ones I´ve seen so far put up, shall we say, less than intelligent arguments. So I just shatter it with my logics, and leave a link to our forums :3

[MadMolly]

My previous relationship was a LDR as well, and I never got ANY naysaying about it because it was within the same country and he moved to me so yeah... I never had a problem.

This one is NZ-Canada and already I'm getting shit for it and I don't really know how to handle it. It makes me not want to tell people at all.

[PlurAnnunaki]

All of my Friends have approved of my LDR, they have been really supportive.. even her friends are supportive! which is even better...
I do get the Naysayers... one of my really close friends has actually tried to convince me to break it off with my SO..
i try to reason with him but i ended up telling him that if he doesn't approve of what i have, then he should stop talking to me... He eventually did stop talking to me, but we are good friends again, we just really don't talk about my LDR situation...

There is those times when Friends have tried to "hook" me up random Girls around school, but i always tell them im not interested.... they sometimes start telling me Random stuff like "its not cheating, Shes far away and you haven't even met her!" or "just take one of these girls, they actually live close too you!"

I tell then straight up, "You guys cannot define a Relationship between two people... Only the two can decide and consider what the relation between them is... If you guys don't like it then F**k you guys.."


I always try not to talk about it to anyone, they are most likely to not support you.....

Oh the crazy stuff Love can do to us.....
But i like it <3


Stay strong LDR couples.. LOVE IS STRONG, And when your at a distance, You are only Adding Gasoline to the Fire of love that burns between us LDR couples <3

[bananabrain]

I know how you feel, since plenty of my family members and friends aren't too optimistic with my relationship. However, it's these "not possible!" losers like them who drag society down, the "can't be made" losers who complain but never do anything. No man would have set foot on the moon with people like that. I'd tell them to get a clue.

[HollzHeartsChris]

My family are totally unsupportive and close minded. So are Chris's. Fortunately his friends and a few of mine are more supportive. Honestly, I'm not that phased anymore by the negative things people say anymore because I'm so used to it.

[Zephii]

I very rarely have people say anything negative about my relationship. I get an awful lot of "how romantic!" and "That's so inspiring" so maybe it has something to do with how you present yourself and your relationship. Regardless there are always going to be people against LDRs for no real reason at all. So on the rare occasion someone says something negative to me I agree with them, or I make a joke vulgar enough to scare them away. For example if people say Obi is probably cheating I laugh and say "No, it's not possible to masturbate that often and keep a woman satisfied", and once I had a guest tell me (I was working in a hotel) that I was stupid to move to Canada for a guy I met online and I said "Yeah I know, but you just can't tells some people. I guess we'll see how it pans out."

Agreeing with them often has a disarming effect. They don't know what to do

[Haley53]

I very rarely have people say anything negative about my relationship. I get an awful lot of "how romantic!" and "That's so inspiring" so maybe it has something to do with how you present yourself and your relationship. Regardless there are always going to be people against LDRs for no real reason at all. So on the rare occasion someone says something negative to me I agree with them, or I make a joke vulgar enough to scare them away. For example if people say Obi is probably cheating I laugh and say "No, it's not possible to masturbate that often and keep a woman satisfied", and once I had a guest tell me (I was working in a hotel) that I was stupid to move to Canada for a guy I met online and I said "Yeah I know, but you just can't tells some people. I guess we'll see how it pans out."

Agreeing with them often has a disarming effect. They don't know what to do

Yes, I've done that latter bit too. It's quite amusing, really. :P

But I have to agree with that it may have something to do with presentation - not always, but sometimes. Unfortunately I feel that the more you're willing to let it bother you, the more people are going to realise they can get a rise out of you through it.

From people I tell/have told IRL, I tend to either do what you do, Zephii, or I shrug off their negativity and simply say something like "well, we'll see" or "well it's working for now and that's what's important to me." I think to be indifferent to someone's negativity, or to stand up to it, is similar to dealing with a bully. Let's face it, people like to tell other people how to live their lives! Even we have done it! :P Ever gotten blunt with someone because they've been with a cheater? An abuser? Sure, the situations are a little bit, or maybe entirely, different, but the point is we're all going to have our own opinions on one another's situations. Ever criticised a CD relationship? Or a friend's judgment? Same thing. You simply have to realise it's human and recognise the fact that they aren't in your relationship, nor have they been a part of it throughout its development. It'd be great if everyone was supportive of everyone, but that's simply not the way it works. :P My opinion though is that the less resistance you put out, the less of it you're going to get. The less you let the negativity bother you, the less you argue it, etc., the less of that you're going to get.

[Mara]

I don't really have to deal with much negativity about my relationship because I'm a very private person. I don't think it's anyone's business really that I'm in a LDR. Of course, my family and friends know, but my family loves my SO and understands why we are apart and if my friends were to rag on my relationship I wouldn't consider them friends. Random people or people who are just acquaintances know I'm in a relationship for the most part, but I don't go into great detail about it.

In fact, you guys here probably know more about my relationship than anyone in real life.

[Bethypoo]

The only time i have encountered naysayers is those who have failed LDRs. Usually they are quick to put it down but is usually because they are jealous that we can make it work and they obviously couldn't. Usually after they talk s*it for awhile they will admit it too. Anyway, other than that I haven't come across any. The only time i care is when it is family and they just ask how we make it work. I answer. and then that is about the end of it.

[WakeUpSusie]

It bothered me at first, but it was working well for us so I eventually learned to shrug it off. I also didn't go out of my way to tell people I was in an LDR... but I didn't talk about my relationship all that much/at all with people I wasn't close with. My friends from school met and loved him, which was really important to me, but other than that I didn't want to feel like I defined myself by my relationship. I want to be known as a totally awesome individual who happens to be in an awesome relationship with an awesome guy

In short, I never got much negativity because I didn't talk about it much.

[floridaellen]

Most people don't know about my LDR. For the people I do tell, I get some negative responses. But honestly, I don't really care. I care about him and he cares about me. That's all that matters. My friends that have met them love him and understand why we are together. If people aren't happy that I'm happy, then they are not my real friends.

[Madge]

When Nick and I first got together officially. I went back to the summer camp I would be working in ( in Iowa and Nick was working in Wisconsin) and found a lot of "friends" who knew both Nick and I saying to me "it won't last" or "you know he cheated on his first girlfriend right?" or even this lovely one "he is just so attractive it must be so hard for you when he is in another state"

It upset me but I just used sarcasm to fend it off. Thankfully my close friends and family are supportive and thats all I need.