I just really need to rant!

[eeriesaurus]

Ok - no one even suggest that I am not in love with him and that I don't want to be with him. Because I do love him, and I do want to be with him. But I am at my freaking breaking point.

We never really talk. Ever. He's so busy with school I'm lucky if we talk on the phone for 30 minutes at night, and even then he's freaking half asleep and sort of not able to even have a normal conversation. I keep processing it in my head that I'm waiting seven freaking months to see him for 5 days. FIVE DAYS! It just doesn't seem fair and I really don't care if I sound like a whiner right now.

I have a medical condition called Hidradenitis Suppurativa that really gets me down sometimes, and it sucks that I am going through this alone. I can't even really talk to him about the HS cause he never knows what to say. I'm so lonely. I just want to be with my freaking boyfriend. But I can't even freaking talk to him.

Sometimes I wonder if things are really going to work out the way we've sort of planned that they will. Two years to be with him in real life possibly longer doesn't even feel realistic to me anymore. It doesn't even feel like an actual relationship sometimes. Like I'm dating my computer and not a person. Maybe it would be different if we could actually talk more but he wont stop being so busy any time soon.

I don't want the relationship to end, but I don't know how to improve it. I just don't know what to do to make this better.

[Haley53]

What is he busy due to?

I was thrilled when my partner and I got this past weekend to talk to one another, especially since we've been lucky, lately, if he can find the time to text a couple times throughout the day. :/ However, given his circumstances, he really does not have that available free time at this point, and as much as I hate it, and I do hate it and it is bloody hard, I deal with it, because I have to, and because I realise that even if the time for which it will last is currently undetermined, it's not going to last forever.

With your SO, is there any way that you could compromise? For example, say he's busy due to work or school; is there no possible way you can compromise so that you get, say, a Skype conversation or a longer phone call on his day off or over the weekend? Maybe he has downtime at some points and he could send you off an e-mail, giving you more substance than the nightly 30-minute phone call? For me, it's never been about the amount of contact, when I think about it, but rather the meaning and depth of that contact. I've found that when my partner and I send a couple heartfelt, genuine texts to one another, I go to bed feeling much better than I do when the texts he sends are short and simple and sweet, but lacking in the elaborate affection, because he's had a hectic day and is tired. For me, if I get a wonderfully gentle reassurance, it will last me longer than a short "I love you. I hope you have sweet dreams tonight." So even if you might not get to have active meaningful conversation (it's rare my boyfriend and I are able to text back and forth immediately), maybe you can find fitting an e-mail or a voicemail into your schedules to sort of shake things up and stir up that meaning?

[Bethypoo]

Have you actually told him that you are at your breaking point? Both over the not talking situation and over the fact that you dont feel he is supportive over haveing HS?

My mom died 21 months ago and if I am ever sad my boyfriend has no idea what to say about it. Id want to talk and he would change the subject away from her when i wanted to talk about her. I got to the point where I told him that i knew he didnt know what to say and that he was uncomfortable but that i needed something...ANYTHING from him. Not a change in subject or "oh im sorry". He still doesnt ever know what to say but he is better about being there for me when i need it and he has tried so hard since i brough it up to him. Sometimes you just have to break it down for men.

As to not talking, also talk to him. Im sure if he tried there can be a bit more conversation and im sure it would make you both happier. He has to have days off. Maybe devote a particular day/time to talk. I know during the day is busy but it is not like you are asking for a 4hr conversation everyday. See if there is a way that you have a day here or there that works for him to A)be more awake and B) that you can talk a bit longer. Also, as eclaire asked, is skype happening? I love random emails too. Or maybe he can send you a random hand written letter. I think it is more him showing you that he wants to be there with you and talk to you and show that he cares that will make the difference here.

Tell him that. Be open.

[eeriesaurus]

What is he busy due to?

I was thrilled when my partner and I got this past weekend to talk to one another, especially since we've been lucky, lately, if he can find the time to text a couple times throughout the day. :/ However, given his circumstances, he really does not have that available free time at this point, and as much as I hate it, and I do hate it and it is bloody hard, I deal with it, because I have to, and because I realise that even if the time for which it will last is currently undetermined, it's not going to last forever.

With your SO, is there any way that you could compromise? For example, say he's busy due to work or school; is there no possible way you can compromise so that you get, say, a Skype conversation or a longer phone call on his day off or over the weekend? Maybe he has downtime at some points and he could send you off an e-mail, giving you more substance than the nightly 30-minute phone call? For me, it's never been about the amount of contact, when I think about it, but rather the meaning and depth of that contact. I've found that when my partner and I send a couple heartfelt, genuine texts to one another, I go to bed feeling much better than I do when the texts he sends are short and simple and sweet, but lacking in the elaborate affection, because he's had a hectic day and is tired. For me, if I get a wonderfully gentle reassurance, it will last me longer than a short "I love you. I hope you have sweet dreams tonight." So even if you might not get to have active meaningful conversation (it's rare my boyfriend and I are able to text back and forth immediately), maybe you can find fitting an e-mail or a voicemail into your schedules to sort of shake things up and stir up that meaning?

He's busy due to school. I finally broke down and ordered a high speed modem so I can have faster internet than my dial up. I did it because I want to skype with him and I also want to do some online schooling. I hope that we can fit some skype time in though, because it would be amazing even if for 30 minutes a week. He's at school though from 7am till sometimes 11 because of his commute, and by the time he gets home at 11 he is just exhausted and I feel bad if I make him stay up, because he has to get up early the next day. We talk online sometimes when he is at school but sometimes I just wanna hear his voice, if that makes any sense.

---------- Post added at 07:27 PM ---------- Previous post was at 07:24 PM ----------

Have you actually told him that you are at your breaking point? Both over the not talking situation and over the fact that you dont feel he is supportive over haveing HS?

My mom died 21 months ago and if I am ever sad my boyfriend has no idea what to say about it. Id want to talk and he would change the subject away from her when i wanted to talk about her. I got to the point where I told him that i knew he didnt know what to say and that he was uncomfortable but that i needed something...ANYTHING from him. Not a change in subject or "oh im sorry". He still doesnt ever know what to say but he is better about being there for me when i need it and he has tried so hard since i brough it up to him. Sometimes you just have to break it down for men.

As to not talking, also talk to him. Im sure if he tried there can be a bit more conversation and im sure it would make you both happier. He has to have days off. Maybe devote a particular day/time to talk. I know during the day is busy but it is not like you are asking for a 4hr conversation everyday. See if there is a way that you have a day here or there that works for him to A)be more awake and B) that you can talk a bit longer. Also, as eclaire asked, is skype happening? I love random emails too. Or maybe he can send you a random hand written letter. I think it is more him showing you that he wants to be there with you and talk to you and show that he cares that will make the difference here.

Tell him that. Be open.

He tries his hardest to be supportive of my HS, he buys me the specific body washes I need and my bandages and my supplements I take to try and calm it down. He just doesn't know what to say. Hs is a truly disgusting, painful, disfiguring disease. It's mentally hard on anyone to really have to think about the impact it has. And I understand that. I just don't really have anyone else to talk to about it because my family doesn't give two shits about the fact that I do, and my friends are just as lost for words as he is. I know he cares. I just wish we could be more open with one another about it. Because it affects my life so much on a daily basis.

I love him more than -anything- he's an amazing boyfriend. I just feel like we're not connecting lately due to his schedule. He has days off, 3. But he spends a lot of those days doing school work so we talk online. And sometimes they are the most mundane conversations.

"how are you?"
"good, you?"
"good...."

You get the idea :P

[yayagrl]

How long have the 2 of you been together? Why not find things to ask him or talk about? Or find things you can do like games you can play together like online uno or something fun so you're still spending time together even when you aren't together.

[uniquefem]

...errhhh...
I know every single person is different.

At univ i got scholarship that i had to maintain between the basketball club practice i had to attend and other things like photoghraphy club, French club etc. Plus i live by my own that i had to do things my self including doing laundry--errh no machines!! hand wash everything!

I still manage to do my social life, went out with friends, and go to my classes! i think many did this also.

My point is:

Sorry... obviously he's not trying hard for you, or he's not that really care about you or the fact that you waited for his phone call... or he is a very weak boy that can not handle school and the activities. But really... if its only school.... don't say "tired" its your youth time, time when you had all the energy in life! and you can't even concentrate for 30 mins covo at night after school.. yikeeesss..

*sorry if sound negative*

[eeriesaurus]

...errhhh...
I know every single person is different.

At univ i got scholarship that i had to maintain between the basketball club practice i had to attend and other things like photoghraphy club, French club etc. Plus i live by my own that i had to do things my self including doing laundry--errh no machines!! hand wash everything!

I still manage to do my social life, went out with friends, and go to my classes! i think many did this also.

My point is:

Sorry... obviously he's not trying hard for you, or he's not that really care about you or the fact that you waited for his phone call... or he is a very weak boy that can not handle school and the activities. But really... if its only school.... don't say "tired" its your youth time, time when you had all the energy in life! and you can't even concentrate for 30 mins covo at night after school.. yikeeesss..

*sorry if sound negative*

He's not weak and it isn't that he's not trying. He doesn't go to a normal college he's in his last year of law school and has more work than he can handle at the moment. Even when he's half asleep he'll call me, but he's just so tired we can't have a normal conversation. And yeah, if I was working my ass off from 7am to 11pm I'd be tired too. I really don't appreciate you basically insulting him, did I not say that he does try? Did I not say that I love him? I need better advice than "he's weak and lazy."

How long have the 2 of you been together? Why not find things to ask him or talk about? Or find things you can do like games you can play together like online uno or something fun so you're still spending time together even when you aren't together.

We've been together for 8 months. We spend what little time we can together on the phone, and at times we play scrabble and pool on yahoo. He's just so swamped with school work at the moment and I feel lonely. I just wanted to rant, he is an amazing man. It just gets hard going through long periods of time without quality conversation, I'm sure other people can understand that. Like I said though, I bought a high speed modem and we are already planning some skype dates. I really can't wait for that, talking to him and seeing him at the same time will be so amazing I don't even know how to describe how excited I am for it.

[uniquefem]

He's not weak and it isn't that he's not trying. He doesn't go to a normal college he's in his last year of law school and has more work than he can handle at the moment. Even when he's half asleep he'll call me, but he's just so tired we can't have a normal conversation. And yeah, if I was working my ass off from 7am to 11pm I'd be tired too. I really don't appreciate you basically insulting him, did I not say that he does try? Did I not say that I love him? I need better advice than "he's weak and lazy." .

Woooowww.... sorry if i sound insulting your SO. I didn't meant to. I am just giving my point of view because you threw it to the forum?? sorry if my previous comment seemed not helping you at all.

But, you should notice that you just answer your self your own question; how can you improve your relationship or make it better?? at the moment i can not see you can as he's absolutely too busy even for him self, that you said; if you put your self on his position you will feel tired just like him too.

Sure i do know you love him, i take my time and read that line too before i post my comment.

He did try hard, but he might need you to be patience and understand about him without being emotional/stressed out and doing something that you will regret.

Anyway its just a rant because you feel lonely like you said, hope you feel better now.

[Haley53]

In response to uniquefem, I think that everyone's different. Some people can gogogo (for example, I can easily get a productive amount of work done, pass my exams and upper divisions with good grades, and maintain an emotional balance on a couple hours sleep, whereas I have a friend who can't even function throughout her day without a solid nine) and some people tire out easier than a puppy. Most people fall somewhere in the middle, and it can be hard/difficult to find a balance between work and play. Call me sexist, but I also tend to find women more easily find a balance, simply because we're better at multi-tasking whereas men are more compartamentalised, so I wouldn't go about saying the OP's SO isn't trying hard enough. :P

To the OP, I'm glad you've both sorted out some time for Skype dates! They're wonderful.

[Haley53]

In response to uniquefem, I think that everyone's different. Some people can gogogo (for example, I can easily get a productive amount of work done, pass my exams and upper divisions with good grades, and maintain an emotional balance on a couple hours sleep, whereas I have a friend who can't even function throughout her day without a solid nine) and some people tire out easier than a puppy. Most people fall somewhere in the middle, and it can be hard/difficult to find a balance between work and play. Call me sexist, but I also tend to find women more easily find a balance, simply because we're better at multi-tasking whereas men are more compartamentalised, so I wouldn't go about saying the OP's SO isn't trying hard enough. :P

To the OP, I'm glad you've both sorted out some time for Skype dates! They're wonderful.

[Sora1101]

I'm waiting seven freaking months to see him for 5 days. FIVE DAYS!

Not to come off as rude or anything but I think you extremely lucky to be able to see your SO for 5 days, I wait a year between each of my visits with my SO and each visit only lasts around 2 days max. Take what you have as a blessing and not a curse, enjoy the 30 minute phone calls even if he's half asleep, it shows that he cares enough to try and talk to you even when he's exhausted. The only thing you can do to fix this is to see things from his point of view and realize that you might not be his number one priority right now, if you can't deal with that then maybe you should take a break until he's able to commit more time to you.

[CynicalQuixotic]

Not to come off as rude or anything but I think you extremely lucky to be able to see your SO for 5 days, I wait a year between each of my visits with my SO and each visit only lasts around 2 days max. Take what you have as a blessing and not a curse, enjoy the 30 minute phone calls even if he's half asleep, it shows that he cares enough to try and talk to you even when he's exhausted. The only thing you can do to fix this is to see things from his point of view and realize that you might not be his number one priority right now, if you can't deal with that then maybe you should take a break until he's able to commit more time to you.

Please don't turn this into a "my distance is worse than your distance" pissing context. Waiting 7 months to see someone for only 5 days sucks, as well as waiting a year for two days. The OP is frustrated and has a right to be.

[uniquefem]

In response to uniquefem, I think that everyone's different. Some people can gogogo (for example, I can easily get a productive amount of work done, pass my exams and upper divisions with good grades, and maintain an emotional balance on a couple hours sleep, whereas I have a friend who can't even function throughout her day without a solid nine) and some people tire out easier than a puppy. Most people fall somewhere in the middle, and it can be hard/difficult to find a balance between work and play. Call me sexist, but I also tend to find women more easily find a balance, simply because we're better at multi-tasking whereas men are more compartamentalised, so I wouldn't go about saying the OP's SO isn't trying hard enough. :P

To the OP, I'm glad you've both sorted out some time for Skype dates! They're wonderful.

Eclaire, I know that that's why at the very beginning i did mentioned "I know every single person is different" on top of my first comment for her because it would be unfair to see everyone just the same. And plus i don't know exactly her SO hahaha!

He did try enough as he been busy from 7AM to 11PM, the OP knew it very good, she just want to rant because she feel lonely (and sound bit depressed).

I don't meant to attack her or her SO (or anything?). Just want to made her realize she does know the answer to her own problem. And i suggest her, she need to be more patience as if she push this harder i am everything will turn like a boomerang to her (put more pressure to super busy SO? this wont work).

Not seeing your SO for months and even year is hard enough. Seeing him only for 5-10 days after that also sound so unfair (i knew this as i see my so for 10 days after 7 months parting). Putting more tense to relationship by demanding things that you know he can not able to do just adding him more pressure/stress and that wont do any good for her

((please do correct me if i am wrong above))

I hope they're going to be just fine

[eeriesaurus]

Ok, I don't appreciate one upping when it comes to distance or length of visits. That's not fair to anyone.

I'm just frustrated, and lonely. He's a great guy, but his schedule leaves me feeling pretty alone most of the time. I appreciate how hard of a worker he is though, his determination and putting himself through law school is amazing. I admire his work ethic greatly. It's just so time consuming and some nights I want nothing more than a good ole conversation with him and I don't get it. I know I'm just being whiny. I just really really -needed- to vent before I became too overwhelmed with my feelings on the matter.

The only thing you can do to fix this is to see things from his point of view and realize that you might not be his number one priority right now, if you can't deal with that then maybe you should take a break until he's able to commit more time to you.

To anyone who suggests I should break it off with him, learn to read. I said don't even suggest that. I am waiting it out. I do love him. It's not that I'm some impatient little codependent girl who needs 100% of his attention. I just want a few worthy conversations with him. I don't appreciate insinuations about either of us. Don't read that far into my rant and put words in it that aren't there.

I'm as patient as I can be about the situation, I bring things up to him in an honest way, but I never am attempting to pressure him into anything. I know that by late 2012 I might be living with him in new england, or DC. That thought is what keeps me going. Because he's the only person I could ever see myself spending the rest of my life with.

[Minerva]

OP, settle down. I know you're frustrated and I know you meant this as a rant. But you posted this on a discussion forum, so people are trying to engage you and help you figure the situation out. To suggest to people who read your rant and took the time to reply to "learn to read" is rude, and responses like that will ensure when you post, you'll get fewer and fewer replies.

If you want to post a rant, perhaps a better area would be the blog section.

As for the situation, I feel too constrained by your dictates to offer advice, so I'll just assume you don't want advice but instead wish for support.

I'm sorry you're in such a difficult situation. I can't imagine how difficult it must be, and with a medical condition on top of it. *hugs* I hope you feel better soon, or at least the time passes quickly until you're with him again.