Wanting to Give Up

[Haley53]

I believe it was somewhere on LFAD that I saw someone mention that the death of a parent can tear even marriages apart, and though originally I didn't understand how something like that could cause that significant of a result/consequence, I'm starting to see it more and more, really.

I am exhausted of my situation. Giving up? No. Leaving him? Never. But it feels like I keep being asked to handle more and more and more. And I feel isolated, and like I can't even be 100% honest about everything that's going on, because I feel like too many people are too willing to compartamentalise our situation. And based on the circumstances, I really don't feel our situation or the issues that are brought up can be compartamentalised; it's all too intimate, too intricate, too complicated to figure out...

So maybe I am, in part, contributing to my isolation, but can you blame me? When the advice I receive pins him or I as the bad guy when there is no bad guy in this situation, merely a bad circumstance (or circumstances), or when people hurl abuse at him or criticise him for his decisions, or when they have nothing to contribute but that neither he nor I should feel this way or that... It's not entirely helpful. The little comments about how "it's strange he hasn't pulled closer" or he "obviously doesn't want me" or else "he'd have kept the titles," those don't help either. But perhaps his position is not something you can understand unless you've lost a parent, and perhaps mine is not something you can understand unless you've watched someone who has. And I have, I watched my mother go through this; it's my only reminder that a lot of this is normal.

The thing is that it's hard. Even having a logical understanding and assessment of the situation, it's hard, and I'm not quite sure how to cope with everything that this has stirred up. I had someone remind me that I need to build walls, to an extent, not the sort that shut him out, not the sort that mean go out and meet other people, but the sort that mean having something else to focus on. Because this situation isn't going to get any less painful for a while and I need to take care of me. But how do you do that when you're an empath? It is incredibly easy for me to slip into the shoes of a stranger, let alone those of my partner, and he and I have operated on the same wavelength since we met. It's similar to my mother in the sense that it would be great if I could easily detach from what she's feeling, but our moods (and even our periods, and hers was irregular that month :P) synched up even when I was touring London. Being a little over 5000 miles away from my partner does not help me detach any easier. I mean even the other day, I was doing what was recommended. I was out on a beach walk with my mother - water is my element, and I derive a lot of peace, calm, tranquility, strength, and revival from the ocean - and it was especially lovely because it was sunset and this year, the dolphins have been out later into the year than we normally see them. Nearing the end of it, my stomach all of a sudden gripped to a point it was hard to breathe, not a physical sensation but because the flood of emotional anxiety was so bloody strong it took my breath away. When we got into the car, I immediately texted my partner. The anxiety still did not go away, so I hopped onto Facebook on my phone, and realised that within the time it had taken me to get to the car from when the anxiety hit (based on the timestamps), he had sent me a message about how he'd only just woken up gasping from a very crippling nightmare. That is not the only time something to that effect has happened. How do you possibly detach from it?

Currently, I am feeling very depressed and very suicidal, and as a result, my situation seems bleaker by the second. I imagine that to a degree, these emotions have to do with the fact I saw someone on Friday (she more or less does work with the subconscious, so it goes deeper than therapy, which is more cognitive, although I also have a therapist) and we did deal with a very significant core belief, for which I have homework to help integrate its positive inverse. It's possible that uprooting what was so deeply ingrained in my subconscious also brought a myriad of trapped emotions to my conscious awakening - she likely would not mind if I gave her a call to ensure this is normal, but I'm shy to bother her when I don't have a next appointment lined up - and that they will pass in their time. But it's nights like tonight where I'm struggling to hold on. It's late, I have an early morning and a long day ahead, but my insomnia is so bad that I haven't really been able to sleep. :/ And I'm aware that the more time I spend in front of the computer, the more the glare and light from the screen is activating my brain into wanting to be more awakeawakeawake! but I genuinely do feel like I need to be doing something that's not going to let me lie engaging too long in my thoughts. Because I don't want to be here anymore. I don't want to do this anymore. I feel like he doesn't need me or want me, and it's made me feel even more miserable inside. And I'm doing anything and everything in my power not to turn to self-harm and not to think so strongly about suicide, because I've been here before, and I'm aware it's not going to last forever, but it's hard. It's zapping me of my energy, using this much self-control. Because on top of everything, I think my rat may be dying, and I can't lose her, not now, not when I've already lost so much.

I simply am not sure how to hold on any longer. I'm not sure what to do. I feel pathetic for feeling this way, but I'm not sure where else to turn for emotional understanding, so I'm reaching out to the one forum that I know I can rely on to at least provide that much. Help?

[yayagrl]

I have no clue what you're going through as I've never been in this situation before, but I offer you a hug and a shoulder to cry on/ vent on if you need it. Everyone grieves differently so for anyone to say any of the things that they have to you about this situation is, in my opinion, wrong. I do agree that this can not be compartmentalized, but I believe that for most people compartmentalization is normal. This is all I have to offer as I've never been with anyone who has lost someone, nor have I lost anyone that I was extremely close to. I will keep you in my thoughts and hope and pray that things will look up soon and start to go more smoothly for both yourself and your partner. Oh and I do like the fact that you've stuck by him through all this as I feel that's important. I'm pretty sure he really appreciates you being a constant in his life when everything else is up in the air.

[Biddlybiddlybombop]

I've never been in your exact situation, so I can't explicitly comment, but I looked after my Mum when she lost her mother. There's a history of depression in our family, and she got hit pretty hard with it then. It's so heartbreaking so see someone you love struggle to cope, and knowing that there's nothing you can really do but be there for them and try and support them until they figure out how to deal with the situation. My Mum was also the eldest of her siblings, and she sorted out all the arrangements for the funeral etc, and she had to be strong for my Grandad and her siblings, so when she came home, she would be completely drained and just have no leftover energy to really...I guess...be a mum figure. When she WAS home, she'd literally go on five-hour long walks, I'd make her meals to make sure she ate, she slept a lot. We got through it. She just needed someone to be there for her. And it was all hard, but we got through it.
All I can really tell you is that if YOU need some support and love and care, there's such a large network of people who care about you RIGHT HERE. Because it's nearly impossible to cope with supporting someone you love and not getting support from those around you. I can't believe how cruel people could be, critisizing your (both you and your SO's) decisions. It's not exactly the easiest time in your relationship, and they're focusing on making you feel worse about it!? *BIG HUG* Stay Strong.

[Malaga]

Gutted to read this

Time is your friend. The more you give it a chance, the better it will make you feel. If you can hold on for one day, you can hold on for another. Just go through the day without much expectation of yourself. The longer you do this, the closer you are to resolution. Maybe that's how he feels as well. Maybe all he can do right now is go through each day as it comes, and all he's doing is biding his time until time helps him heal.

Take care xx

[raiblade3]

WOW... I'm speechless. I feel for you :/ and to a certain extent know exactly what you are going through. See I lost both of my parents at a very young age. And there isn't a single day that passes that i don't think about them or miss them. I guess im telling you this because I've been where you are.. I empathize with you a WHOLE lot. Just Don't give up, Sweetie. Victory comes with patience. Relieve comes with affliction, And ease comes with hardship, Ya know. I've been through so much but never did i give up.... and with the help of God, NEVER will i give up. Things like this helped me get through it. Talking about it... Writing how i felt. It helped me release all of those emotions i had bottled up inside. The pressure went down... And i regained calmness.. Don't give up. xoxoxo

[ioanna]

i'm so sorry things are so hard right now, Eclair.

as posters above me already said, time is your best ally. taking it one day at a time will help yo get through it..
from what i read, you need support and comfort. try and spend more time with your friends, take time to work on making yourself feel good. i don't know you enough yet to tell you the words that would make a big difference or make you smile, but please know the intention is there!

Don’t Quit – A poem by Leo Piggot (1931)



When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,
When the road you’re trudging seems all uphill,
When funds are low and debts are high,
And you want to smile but have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit,
Rest if you must, but don’t you quit.

Life is queer with its twists and turns,
As every one of us sometimes learns,
And many a fellow turns about,
When he might have won, had he stuck it out.

Don’t give up though the pace seems slow,
You may succeed with another blow,
Often the goal is nearer than it seems
To a faint and faltering man,
Often the struggler has given up,
When he might have captured the victor’s cup;
And he learned to late, when the night came down,
How close he was to the golden crown.

Success is failure turned inside out,
The sliver tint of the clouds of doubt,
And you never can tell how close you are
It may be near when it seems afar.

So stick to the fight when you’re hardest hit
It’s when thing’s seem worst that you mustn’t quit.

[Haley53]

Thank you everyone for your support. <3

Biddlybiddlybombop, your mother's situation is similar to my partner's. He's 18, has a 15-year-old brother, and he's the one who has been handling all the arrangements, dealing with all the paperwork, meeting with legal and government officials, seeking out apartments/places to rent, etc. And there's a lot going on on top of that, family drama that he doesn't need. He can't be a boyfriend right now, can't have another commitment, another thing to maintain, and I understand it, but it's hard. This entire situation is hard, because on the one hand, I want to curl up and disappear, but on the other, I imagine he needs me, even if I feel like he doesn't. Tomorrow will make a month since she died. Everything's still very raw and very recent. I feel horrible and guilty for wanting to give up on the situation like this so bloody soon, but I feel like my emotions are so closely woven into it. It's easy enough for me to sense what he's feeling, whether or not we have a chance to talk. By the end of the day, say we haven't talked, I can tell what sort of day he had based on my mood. And that's not taking into account my own emotions and what I have to deal with personally, because this brings up a lot that I've repressed and shoved down and swallowed, that I had to push down when I had to do what you, Biddlybiddlybombop, did (caring for my mother).

And yes, believe it or not, people have been saying shit you wouldn't believe. I've been told everything from "I can't see how you could do this to you," which does not help, to "he's using you and taking advantage of you and your nature," to "he knew she had cancer/was sick, he should have been at least somewhat prepared," to a blunt "he's an asshole." And it doesn't help. It doesn't help, either, that everyone's convinced they're right when a lot of the time, they're wrong. But I suppose it's normal for everyone to have an opinion; I simply wish they thought it all out a little bit more.

@yayagrl - Yes, I imagine on some level, he does. When he broke up with me, he begged me not to leave. I was recently forced to process some new bit of information that caused me to want some time, and he ended up getting angry and frustrated; I tried to reassure him it wasn't permanent, and it only ended up being a day and a half and night's worth of sleep. Being honest, I'm not sure I could leave even if I wanted. I'm not sure if I could leave even if it killed me to put up with the situation and the hot and the cold and everything that he's going through that, as his partner, directly affects me as well. Because I've seen my mother go through this and I know what it's like to be left behind. I don't think I could ever do that to him, not with everything that's going on. I don't think I could ever abandon him to go through this alone. I'm in love with him. I love him. Love doesn't shy away when things get hard.

@Malaga - Yes, he's said himself that he can only take each day as it comes. I think I'm having a hard time with that. I'm doing it because I have to, but it really does feel like wading through tar, or like stepping out onto a dark path with some crappy lighter that lights each step only as you take it. I think it's human to fear the unknown, to fear proceeding without security, but I have no other choice, really. :/

@railblade3 - Thank you. My own spirituality has helped me pull through things. So does writing things out, talking things out, etc. I think venting and talking and writing and blabbing everything to death a hundred times over seems to be what helps me the most. I simply am terrified of pushing people away by doing so... Even coming to post on LFAD this time around was hard, because I feel like I've posted too much about this situation as it's happened. :/

@ioanna - Thank you. <3 That poem really does encompass the way I feel about such experiences. I really do feel that beautiful transformations are preceeded by deep, cutting tragedies. Every death brings about a new beginning, and I'm aware that nothing lasts forever, that even when it may not seem like it, brilliant light will still shine and cut through darkness, that sometimes transformation means being swathed in darkness before emerging back into the light and seeing the world through new eyes... I simply am terrified about what will happen to him and I. I suppose a part of my fear is selfish in the sense I'm scared we'll go through this together and then he won't want me anymore by the end of it.

[Biddlybiddlybombop]

Biddlybiddlybombop, your mother's situation is similar to my partner's. He's 18, has a 15-year-old brother, and he's the one who has been handling all the arrangements, dealing with all the paperwork, meeting with legal and government officials, seeking out apartments/places to rent, etc. And there's a lot going on on top of that, family drama that he doesn't need. He can't be a boyfriend right now, can't have another commitment, another thing to maintain, and I understand it, but it's hard. This entire situation is hard, because on the one hand, I want to curl up and disappear, but on the other, I imagine he needs me, even if I feel like he doesn't. Tomorrow will make a month since she died. Everything's still very raw and very recent. I feel horrible and guilty for wanting to give up on the situation like this so bloody soon, but I feel like my emotions are so closely woven into it. It's easy enough for me to sense what he's feeling, whether or not we have a chance to talk. By the end of the day, say we haven't talked, I can tell what sort of day he had based on my mood. And that's not taking into account my own emotions and what I have to deal with personally, because this brings up a lot that I've repressed and shoved down and swallowed, that I had to push down when I had to do what you, Biddlybiddlybombop, did (caring for my mother).

And yes, believe it or not, people have been saying shit you wouldn't believe. I've been told everything from "I can't see how you could do this to you," which does not help, to "he's using you and taking advantage of you and your nature," to "he knew she had cancer/was sick, he should have been at least somewhat prepared," to a blunt "he's an asshole." And it doesn't help. It doesn't help, either, that everyone's convinced they're right when a lot of the time, they're wrong. But I suppose it's normal for everyone to have an opinion; I simply wish they thought it all out a little bit more.

He must be having the WORST time of his life right now. I'm actually relieved on his behalf that you're sticking around, and showing your support. I can't imagine how difficult it must be for you, but you are such an amazing person for sticking around to help him through. I'm sure he really appreciates it. And of COURSE your emotions are going to be closely woven in. You're trying to help the man you love heal, trying to support him, while also accepting that he can't necessarily be there for you. It must be confusing, and agonising, and if I were you, I'd be doubting myself every step of the way, but you're still there for him. And no matter what people say to you, that shows just how loving and dedicated you are. You should be so proud of yourself.

And "he should have been prepared." That is f'n ridiculous. No one is EVER going to be prepared to lose someone close to them.

Haha, imagine what they'd be saying if you'd left him, though. "How could you leave him, he's just had a bereavement", "How selfish can you be that you demand his attention when he's going throug this", "What kind of person dumps their SO when their parent just died". Truth is, you KNOW you're doing the right thing, even if it's difficult. I actually had a friend whose boyfriend dumped her, for another girl, the same week her Dad died, and they'd been together for four years. She was so horrified and outraged that he could do that to someone - let alone to her - that her "getting over him" period was significantly reduced.

[Minerva]

*hugs*

I've already said a lot via PM and don't want to hog up your thread, but I didn't want to let this go without comment.

So, *hugs again*

PM me anytime you need to.

[beckychan]

I'm not sure how much help I can be, but I've been through a similar situation before.

Three or so years ago, before my current SO, I was in love with somebody else. He was my first love. We had been together for about 5 months, when out of nowhere his older, and only brother committed suicide. Our relationship was some what long distance, being that we lived in different cities, about 40 minutes away from each other, but on the upside we took a class together at a college (though we were still in high school at the time) so we got to see each other every day. The week his brother died, he stopped showing up to class, and this was before the news hit me. I texted him the following days, no response. I would have called initially, but at the time I was still pretty shy and was better off texting. But after he didn't reply for 3 or 4 days, I decided to call him and that's when he told me what had happened. This was the first time having to deal with any sort of heavy tragedy in my life, and I didn't know what to do or how to handle it. After that day he was a changed person, and our relationship spiraled downward. When the school year was over, he essentially dissapeared out of my life. He stopped calling me, or responding to my texts. He didn't use the internet or anything, so my only way of getting ahold of him was through the phone, and I didn't know any of his friends either so that did not help... After that I sort of fell into an abyss. I cried everyday, I felt lost and empty. It was one of the worst experiences I had to go through in my life. I developed sleep paralysis because of it. I felt like I would never recover. I was so in love with him that loosing him was my worst fear...
And like you, I felt depressed and suicidal. I had been down that road also, but I never turned to back to it, even after loosing my first love. In time, though, things slowly got better for me. There were days where I didn't want to get out of bed, but there were days were I knew that I had good things coming to me and I had plenty of friends who were there to support me if I just asked for the help. I know that your SO is still around, but like others have said, time is the best healer. Even in our darkest moments, there is always still a glimmer of light, and it might be hard to see, but it's there and it will grow stronger and brighter as long as you keep moving forward.

[Sierra]

You know how I feel about this situation ...

I'm sorry you're feeling so isolated and alone. I also believe it was me who said that I've seen deaths of a parent tear marriages apart, and I'm actually watching it with aunt and uncle now.

I think if you're feeling so badly about the situation, like him, you need to take a step back. Take time to yourself and work on making yourself happy. You're not a bad guy for feeling the way you do, and he's not a bad guy for feeling the way that he does. You guys can work through this, but it's really hard.

If you are so miserable, again, I strongly advise that you take time to work on you. Exercise, take bubble baths, I'd say hang out with me this weekend but I'm going to Arizona. Go to the beach to relax. Take a yoga class. Find something to immerse yourself in and take your mind off your situation.

I really am truly sorry you feel this way. It seems like everyone is going through such a tough time right now. But you'll be ok. I know it.

[Bethypoo]

Im so sorry that you are going through this right now. I can understand to somewhat of an extent.

My mom dies 21 months ago and I was 20. She was diagnosed with cancer when I was 18 and only 22 days after I graduated high school. Losing a parent at a young age (not to say it isnt any any age really) is a devastating event. You know that your parents will die one day but you dont expect it to be before you graduate college, meet the love of your life, get married or have kids. I have been crying alot over this lately because of the holidays coming up and i am sure that you SO will feel the same way.

You need to put life into perspective and be able to look at all that you have and all that you could lose. Loss affects people in different ways and it will come in waves. I feel that the loss of someone from death is not something you ever get over. But it is something that you lean to deal with and that it is what you SO is doing right now. This is a time that he needs you and I am sure that he appreciates all that you are doing for him.

But you need to also look inward to what you need to deal with for yourself. Suicide is never the answer though there are times it may feel like that. But you would be one more loss for him that would be . You said that you had a therapist and that is who you need to help you work out things. They can better help you rationalize.

Im sorry to have to make this short. I have to run to class. But PM me if you need anymore help.

[Haley53]

@biddly - Likely, though I've had a handful of people tell me I should leave. I have had even more people tell me they couldn't do what I'm doing. I don't understand it. I can understand the feelings behind wanting to give up, as this post very much proves, but I don't think I could ever understand the actual follow-through. A friend told me that she would leave, that she couldn't handle this, because a relationship involves two people, not one, and that she would have her needs too, same as "I have mine," and he's not meeting them. But he's not meeting them because he can't, not because he doesn't want to. He's not meeting them because some days are better than others, because some days he can sense that I'm sad and ask me what's wrong and some days he has to concentrate on simply barely getting through. I cannot condemn him for not being there for me in the way that I would like him to be, simply because he needs to focus on himself and his brother and on his situation. I honestly could never claim to love him as much as I do and then turn round and go. I could never do what your friend's boyfriend did to her, that's absolutely horrible.

@Minerva - Thank you, and I do appreciate that offer. I would simply feel guilty for doing so. I haven't gotten round to responding to your PM that you sent me, and I still have another one from someone else that's also outstanding... I simply have not had the energy to respond, but I feel like in a way, that revokes my right to continue to rely on people for whom I can't return the favour. :/

@beckychan - I'm sorry you went through that. That sounds like such a painfully difficult experience. Nothing has really changed between my partner and I other than that we don't have as much contact. We still have our same relationship, even if he's hot and cold, and even if the affection/nature of the relationship varies by day. We're simply without a label. But I do worry about what happened to you will happen to me, too.



And I worry that way because of something so stupid. I realise I sound so blooming insecure but he reconnected with his ex, and he didn't tell me about it. She attended the funeral and they've been talking off and on ever since and this is one of those pieces of information that I've been withholding because it's so open to misinterpretation. Even the one person I thought I could be open with about it misinterpreted it and started throwing around accusations. I can understand why he didn't tell me, but it does not eliminate the sharp bite of betrayal I feel at the fact that he didn't. He wanted to avoid the stress that it would bring, and considering the argument and tantrum and fit it brought via Facebook (that's how I found out), as much as I don't want to understand, I do. And he stayed on for two hours even when he had errands and then texted me for about another one hour, trying to console me and calm me down, because I was convinced she was the reason for what happened to us, that something was going on behind my back (I have been strung along as "the other woman" before), etc. and I flipped my shit on him. And I feel horrible and guilty for it and I feel horrible and guilty for still feeling angry and pissy even though we talked it out. Nothing's going on. He has assured and reassured me of that. She had nothing to do with what happened, and they chat off and on. She's "another friend/escape, and that's it." He says she's changed nothing between us, that our relationship hasn't changed etc., and I believe him. I also trust that he would not talk to me like he does if he had her going too. But I still worry. I still feel insecure. I still panic that in the end, she's going to be the one he ends up choosing and it would add insult to injury because I would not hang around to clean up the mess she made of him. She is a terrible, horrible person and though on the one hand I can understand what vulnerability can do to someone, on the other, I'm not sure why he would reach out to someone who shattered him and abused him and treated him the way she did. He hasn't spoken to her in almost a year, and my only saving grace is that that time apart will have opened his eyes to exactly who and what she is. But I am terrified, terrified because she's there and I'm not, because even though I could fly out on school holidays if he wanted me, she's there 100% of the time. I'm upset because this is one more thing I have to handle and I don't know how. I'm jealous that she gets to talk to him more than I do (I can't say this is entirely true, but it is in theory, because she's free to text and I'm not and texting is currently our only mode of communication) when I have always been the one who took care of him; christ, even when we were friends, I picked up the bloody pieces she left of him! And here I am in school waiting for class and wanting to cry yet again. I feel stupid for being so insecure. It's not that I have an issue with her being "another friend." It's not that I have an issue trusting nothing's going on because stupid as it may be, I don't. I do trust him. It's that I'm terrified that in the end of this, he's going to choose her, when he knows that that's the one exception to my promise of not going anywhere.

[Minerva]

@Minerva - Thank you, and I do appreciate that offer. I would simply feel guilty for doing so. I haven't gotten round to responding to your PM that you sent me, and I still have another one from someone else that's also outstanding... I simply have not had the energy to respond, but I feel like in a way, that revokes my right to continue to rely on people for whom I can't return the favour. :/

Don't be silly. Take all the time you need to respond to my PM (or not at all, that's OK too). You can still PM me, OK?

[Haley53]

@Sierra - I will try, but it's hard. I'm doing what I can to relax. Every night, I've been watching cartoons and Disney movies and playing them in the background as I try to go to sleep. I've been taking regular bubble baths with lavendar oil and sea salt. I've been going walking as often as I can. I've been doing work with my mother/hanging out in the same room as my mother. I've been accompanying my sister places, too. I've been forcing myself to get up to go to school and to work even if I feel like doing nothing more than sleeping. I've been trying to keep up on my homework. I have been working hard on keeping busy and keeping my mind off things, but it's hard, because the feeling is still there. I feel like I've tried everything to remove the sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach and the heart of my chest but I can't. It's like there's a weight around my neck and even if I sometimes forget that it's there, I can still feel it. I am hanging out with some old friends this Wednesday, though (or I probably will be), so that may help, even though they want to talk about my trip and see pictures from it and that's the point of meeting up. I also am making more plans with my mother to go out and go to events, see shows, etc. I really am struggling to build a life outside of this situation but I'm doing it. It's simply this feeling that is constantly there.

@Bethypoo - Thank you for your input. I don't believe I could ever truly do it. I was put on suicide watch at 18 and it really, truly opened my eyes to the devestation of it. I could never do that to him, never, but that's the issue, and maybe you're right, maybe I do need to be open with my therapist about this, but it's hard. It's hard to talk about and I feel ashamed for feeling this way because I really have come so far from when I started therapy. :/ But I want to get back to the point where when I feel like self-harming or when I feel suicidal, I'm not sitting there giving myself my partner as reasons for why I shouldn't/can't. When I sit and think of reasons, I want me to be the very first reason that comes to mind. But perhaps that's something I need to start working on with my therapist. I guess it just more or less feels like a huge regression in progress I was very proud of.

EDIT -- @Minerva - Okay. <3 Thank you.