He's been cheating for months in another LDR...

[heylittlekrissy]

Apparently my other post deleted itself. -__-

Anyways, I've seen this happen personally. My father is in the same boat as your SO, he is bipolar, manic depressive, and has done this a number of times to our family. It's not a good situation to be in, and even with medicine (my father has been under treatment through therapy and medicine for years), I'm not sure if it's something he'll ever stop. It seems to be a vicious, reoccurring cycle, and one I can see no possible signs of being broken. If you do decide to stay, as my mother has been trying, because you love him, you have to be prepared for the worst, because it's a likely possibility that this could be a lifelong battle in your relationship.
I'm at work at the moment, else I'd delve deeper into my own experience for you, but I do understand this situation, as it's one I've experienced myself just on the outside, so while I can not necessarily understand your personal feelings on this situation, I can see your side of things. My mother and I are like best friends, so I've gotten to see how it affects her personally, and it's not pretty. It's taken a huge toll on her mental, physical, and emotional health.
If you'd like to hear the whole story behind my parents and their/our experience with this, please feel free to message me, I'd be happy to go into detail for you.

[Engel]

Hypersexuality is a very common manic symptom, but doesn't receive much discussion, except on bipolar forums. Basically, whatever it is in the brain that tells us cheating and promiscuity are wrong shuts down, and they begin craving sex constantly. Good marriages and relationships have been destroyed because they are unable to control their impulses. Sometimes, they just don't care but other times, when the manic phase fades, they look at what they've done and are like, "OMG, what was I thinking?" Then things are great until the next time, when they forget that regret and do it again.

I am bi-polar, and have been through many MANY episodes of hypersexuality. you know what i do? i stay home. dont dare to take my feet out of the house, or i know i can end up screwing things up.

and I watch porn. loads of porn. until Im better. but I dont cheat on my SO. even though i almost go up the walls in need of sex, I dont cheat. and I have bad, bad crises sometimes of mania, of depression, been diagnosed by 3 different pshychiatrists.

I've cheated on my ex boyfriend. but because i didnt care enough. if I was feeling hypersexuall and he wasnt around, i did what i wanted to do. but with Anton, we've been together for 3 years, and I never cheated on him. Because I really truly love him.


So yes, being bi-polar is hard, tell me about it. but i guess in the end when it comes to those sexual crises, except in rare exceptions, the person doesnt forget she is married or with a girlfriend/boyrfriend. you know, and still do it. thats how it was with me and my ex. but because i didnt really love him. if I did, i would not have cheated either. maniac or no maniac. as I didnt do with my SO.


sorry hun, but he is a jerk, and isnt fault of his bipolar disorder.

[Engel]

Well, I think the extra affection and mush has been his way of assuaging his guilt for being in an affair, but sadly, he quit taking his meds a while back because of money problems, so I don't think he's even able to control himself. I realize that sounds like an excuse, but in all honesty, bipolars really CAN'T seem to control those urges.
But is it really his fault, due to the bipolar disorder?

yes, we people with bipolar have urges, but in the end, we can give in to them or control it, as much as we can. it is his fault. i have been without meds for more than a year, and didnt go around flirtting or cheating on my SO. and I know other people with bi polar that dont do it either. but if you get someone that has Bipolar, and is a jerk, has no morals, etc. they just give in to the urges, after all, they do have a good excuse. not saying it never happens for things to go out of hand, but not as much as you are thinking. he isnt in a maniac state 24/7.

[heylittlekrissy]

sorry hun, but he is a jerk, and isnt fault of his bipolar disorder.

I'm not trying to excuse the behavior, as I do not believe it is an excuse and should not be excused, but I do believe bipolar plays into this disorder; I believe the two combined can be a very destructive combination with devastating results.
I do agree with you about him being a jerk though, because he still shouldn't cheat.

[Engel]

What I worry about is not only your mental health, but your physical health. If you two do end up together and he starts sleeping around, he could contract an STD and pass it right on to you. That's just not fair. I know you said you invested a lot of time into him, but to me that doesn't mean you should stay. That's like saying "I paid $10 for this sandwich so I'm going to eat all of it even though I'm so full I could burst" The time is gone, you can't get it back. But you can decide what to do with your future.

I take my hat off to this answer.

---------- Post added at 06:20 PM ---------- Previous post was at 06:17 PM ----------

I'm not trying to excuse the behavior, as I do not believe it is an excuse and should not be excused, but I do believe bipolar plays into this disorder; I believe the two combined can be a very destructive combination with devastating results.
I do agree with you about him being a jerk though, because he still shouldn't cheat.

sure it plays. heck, I sometimes get so horny and hypersexual I know if I go out of home I will jump into the first guy I see. no kidding. But whenever I feel Im getting like that, I head home, to my bed, to call my SO and have skype sex, or write him a naughty e-mail. its hard, yes, really is! I know it. but if you really love your partner, you find a way. I know I did.

[heylittlekrissy]

sure it plays. heck, I sometimes get so horny and hypersexual I know if I go out of home I will jump into the first guy I see. no kidding. But whenever I feel Im getting like that, I head home, to my bed, to call my SO and have skype sex, or write him a naughty e-mail. its hard, yes, really is! I know it. but if you really love your partner, you find a way. I know I did.

And I agree that this is definitely a much better way to handle that

[Minerva]

I dunno. Some people can control their mental illnesses better than others. Engel, I commend you for your strength, but I'm not sure everyone in the same situation could be as strong as you; I'm not bipolar, so perhaps I'm wrong. But I do suffer from depression, and do know how the depression can warp my worldview enough to cause me to treat my SO unfairly. My fear of abandonment is such that I used to end our relationship on a near-weekly basis. I take the smallest thing the wrong way, and lash out. I hold the hurt other men did to me against him. I'm getting better with all that, but there have been times I couldn't control my impulses.

I think severe mental illness is the ONE valid excuse for bad behaviour -- the inability to control one's self or resist destructive impulses is sort of the definition of mental illness. Now I'm not saying it can't be controlled -- many people do learn to cope, or find meds that truly help, or develop a strength to get through the worst parts of their illness. But not everyone is capable of doing that. Once again, the nature of mental illness is that actions are very much out of the control of the person suffering. Just as someone who is depressed can't just will themselves better, someone in mania won't necessarily have the self awareness to recognize the harm they're inflicting on themselves and others.

And meds are a tricky subject. I've been two on meds for my depression, and they both sucked. One made me a zombie, the other made my symptoms much worse -- and both put weight on me. Meds are not magic, and even if they work at controlling the worst symptoms, that usually comes with a price. It's really not as simple as saying, "if he loved you he'd take the meds."

All that said, you love him, and he's hurting you. He loves you as well, but he still hurts you, and that has to hurt him as well. I don't know the answer, except to say that in the case of loving someone with a mental illness, you have to decide how much you can cope with, how much you're willing to take. There's nothing wrong with saying this hurts too much, because his mental illness is manifesting in such a painful way. If his cycles made him abusive or dangerous, you'd have no choice but to leave him for your own welfare. Well, I honestly think your heart deserves to be protected as much as your body, and yes, even though this behaviour isn't his fault, you do deserve better.

*hugs* and best of luck

[Engel]

Minerva, there is two sides of the coin when it comes to bipolar. I dont know how to handle my depressions so well. when it gets that i feel awful and dumb and ugly, and just powerless. but when im getting euforic and maniac, i go away, to be as close to my SO as possible. while when im depressed i want to be on my own but know i should not. sometimes i feel ashamed to show my face on the street. really.
nobody deserves the heart breaking feeling to be really depressed. but i know that even when im really low if im surrounded by people i love, my SO, my mom, grandma, my best friends. i laugh, and forget about being depressed, if even for a while.

the situations are oposite in their nature and oposite in how they should be dealt with. if im maniac and my so is around, ok, we can go out, i know he will look after me. and i never would think about even looking to a guy when im with him. when he is away, IF IM MANIAC, is different, but i fight "the urge", i fight it, because i know my relationship and my SO deserve the best of me. and as long as I can, thats what i will give. the best i can.


i also agree meds are a hard thing. mine put on weight on me as well, wich leads to me being even more depressed, and need more meds, its an endless cicle. and it sucks.


But one of the most rare things in the world is to find someone you really love and that really loves you back. I found mine, and I wont let even my bipolar get on the way. I feel guilty when im too depressed, because i know he feels poweress without knowing how to help me. but his love helps me more than I can express.

when im maniac, i dont go out, or if i do, just if i am with him, so it isnt such a big deal for me.



i just think that if someone plays the "maniac card" when it comes to cheating and is forgiven, the person can do again and again, because really, who could prove he/she wasnt maniac? even if he/she did it in the normal state of self.

sorry, i just feel really strongly about this topic, and i dont know if im letting this interfeere with my advice, for living it day to day, so to the op, im sorry if i said something that in any way upset you. i dont know if i did, but thought i would say it anyway.


and he doesnt know how lucky he was for having you, and just throw it on the bin like that.

[Bethypoo]

This really is a tough situation. Like you said, yes he is doing all of these things but at the same time it is part of a mental condition.

Here is my question. Is he on medication?

I ask this because all of this is happening and he is aware of it, and is choosing to not be on medication. Then I think you are right. You do deserve someone who will treat you better and take the initiative in living a more proactive and cohesive life. However...

If he is on medication and this is still happening, then he needs to, again, be proactive and make a change. I understand that there is a medical history here, but there are plenty of people who have found ways to no act on impulse and can successfully be in a relationship. But, at the same time, maybe this wouldnt be happening if you were in a CD relationship. But the fact of the matter is, that you are not CD and that doesnt mean it is okay to be cheating.

For yourself personally, you deserve better. There really is no excuse for cheating once LET ALONE a second time. If he knows that you will forgive him each time then he will continue to do it. And maybe when you are CD it wont happen, but it is still not a healthy past and a hard thing to deal with.

I get that other than this one issue things are great. Its just a matter of how important this issue is to you and how, when you look into the future if/how you want to deal with it.

I hope it all works out my dear!

[Silvaria]

Hey guys. Wow, thanks for all the awesome answers. I probably won't be back much after this thread runs it's course, since I'm no longer in an LDR, but you are all great for taking the time to offer your opinions.

I've been doing a lot of thinking, as it's only been about 24 hours and really, it's almost all I can think about.

There are two things that keep coming up, between this thread and one I posted on a bipolar relationship support form:

1) The fact that he chose to stop taking his medication, and

2) That cheating is still a choice, regardless of the mental disorder.

He has no interest in therapy or taking medication...in fact, I don't think he even recognizes that he's in a hypersexual phase, there's a good chance that when I brought it up during our breakup conversation yesterday, it was the first time he'd even heard the term. But it wouldn't matter...after almost 3 years, I've come to recognize that he doesn't really desire to try and help himself, he simply accepts that his "brain is broken" (his term) and that's that.

As for the cheating...yeah, the more I think about it, the more I realize the trust is utterly destroyed now. I realize that some bipolars can resist the urges and some can't, I imagine it's just a matter of individual brain chemistry, just like alcoholism. But still, he made the choice to lie directly to my face in telling me repeatedly for months that he would never cheat on me even as he was doing exactly that. I know it's possible to have strong, successful relationships after infidelity, but in order for that to happen, the cheater has to vow never to cheat again and mean it. I don't think I would believe him at this point even if he made that vow, so really, it's kind of a moot point.

So, I was lying in bed this morning, going through all this in my head, when suddenly I thought about her. She seems like such a nice, genuine person, and he has her completely snowed. What concerns me is that she has two very young sons...I don't think it'll ever get as far as them living together since he's just using her for now, by his own admission, but what happens in her life affects them...which makes me feel ethically bound to at least try and inform her what kind of "wonderful" man she is dealing with.

However, that would negate any and all possibility of he and I ever having any sort of reconciliation, and maybe, that's a good thing. I don't know if I have the willpower to resist him when he does come back, so perhaps burning that bridge before he even tries to cross it would be best for me, not to mention the possibility that I may save her from increased heartbreak.

What do you guys think? I know someone said she should know, but I'd appreciate more opinions and suggestions on that.

Thanks again for all the replies.

[roosie]

Based on your comment below, I think you did the right thing. I feel incredibly sorry for you, it's a very difficult situation. My brother is bipolar and he was hospitalized for six months when he was 13. I don't know how young people usually are when they start getting the symptoms but I would guess that my brother was fairly young and he has been on medication since then and doing well most of the time. It's really sad that your (ex-)SO thinks that there is nothing to do, other than just live with the "broken brain" and follow the urges, no matter how much damage they can do to him and everyone around him. Especially because I've seen how much the medication and therapy can help. There is only so much that you can do to someone that doesn't want to change his destructive behavior. You have given him so many chances. What comes to that new woman.. I wish I could give you advice but it's a really tough situation, especially because there are young children involved. Keep them in your mind, whatever you decide to do. I wish you all the best.

[Minerva]

Telling the other woman... hmmm. That's a really hard decision. On one hand, you might cause her a bit of pain in the short run, but spare her heartache in the long run. However, she may not even believe you. If she thinks he's a wonderful man, she might think you're just a jealous ex trying to get back at him.

I'd probably send her a short note, as devoid of emotion as I could, just the facts, and leave it at that. I'd want to open her eyes to the situation and then leave it up to her if she believes me or not. I'd feel compelled to do it, especially because of the small children. But that's just me. I think there are probably just as many reasons to contact her as there are to stay out of it.

It's a really tough call.

[CandiCandi]

My real dad has bipolar disorder and while, I am no longer in contact with him for several reasons, one of his better qualities was that he was loyal to the friends he kept and the girlfriends and two wives that he has had (my mom and step mom). Of course, he was medicated. However, I have to agree with the people that brought up that it just seems like kind of a crutch to lean on and make yourself feel better about the things he has done to you. When in reality, as someone else said, another LDR is not exactly all that sexually satisfying. Although, there is such thing as love addiction. It is totally possible he has such a problem, but in all honesty, I would be very careful with leaning on that type of thing as an excuse for infidelity. As far as contacting the girl goes, that could cause more trouble, but at the same time, you may feel some type of responsibility to be honest with her. Especially with kids in the picture. All of that could really really hurt her in the future.

[LuvSsw]

Hmmm...perhaps you shoud let her know. If he's done this to you..he could also do the same to her with someone else. If she is aware of his cheating ways..she can decide if she is willing to take the health risk that comes with that. And most mothers want to be healthy for their children at the very least.

[Haley53]

I feel like the devil's advocate when I say I don't believe it's your place to get involved. I'm not even sure I believe it's one's place to get involved when it's a friend. Why? Put simply, because it's unlikely that she's going to believe you. I imagine that she'll respond the same way you might have if someone had come to you and told you he was cheating on you, or the same way I would if someone told me mine had been cheating on me. And that says nothing about what her emotional response would be, whether it would be casual/polite disbelief or anger and agitation. Personally, I feel it would cause more drama for you than is necessary, and I feel like you would be getting in the way of two people's lessons here: hers and your own.

You mentioned how this would negate any possibility of ever getting together with him the same way you've continuously done in the past. Burning that bridge through way of someone else is going to deprive you of the lesson in strength and courage that you need to move beyond this. Burning that bridge through telling "the other woman" would give you a crutch, and it would not allow you to tell him "no" if he came begging you back. Which, in my opinion, is a pretty important word and lesson to learn in cases like this. If you don't feel you'd be able to resist, then I would put supports in place and do what you needed to do, but I still would not violate someone's personal space for the sake of burning a bridge you're afraid you might try crossing despite everything. I also feel that it would hinder her lesson in the sense that it's unfortunate, what's happening, but she needs to learn it on her own. She needs to learn to make her own connections and draw her own conclusions, and if she ends up heartbroken, then she needs to learn what went wrong and why. She needs to recover from it on her own. etc. So no, I don't think I would tell her. I don't think it's your place to interfere, and quite frankly, from what might seem like a selfish perspective, you're not going to end up saving her from heartbreak but rather, you're going to attract drama into your own life. And in my opinion, you don't need that at this point.

I commend you for making the decision that you did, but any such situation is excruciating. -hugs- to you.