Big age difference !?

[Moon]

I'm not sure whether this was directed at me, but I never meant to imply that it was new. I find it as appalling when I read about it in history (potentially even more depressing because the ages were even younger than the legal age is now) as I do when I see it today. I didn't mean to come off as neglecting or negating history!

No Ma'am, that was for everyone I'm just surprised that people seem so sort of shocked by it, or something. If it's two consenting adults, I'll probably be grossed out in my head, but whatever floats their boats, so to speak.

[Haley53]

No Ma'am, that was for everyone I'm just surprised that people seem so sort of shocked by it, or something. If it's two consenting adults, I'll probably be grossed out in my head, but whatever floats their boats, so to speak.

Oh, okay.

[milaya]

My SO and I are 14 years apart and we don't notice the difference at all. The only time I actually remember I'm younger than him is when someone asks about it. I dont think I could be with anyone too much older though as the lifestyle is too different, we'd be at different points in life.

But as far as I'm concerned, Aslong as its legal and both parties are happy; I don't see anything wrong with it.

So you seem to be 18, so your SO is 32?

Regarding to this, I think, like some has mentioned, that age gaps depends on the stage in life. For somebody in their 30's, it's not that big a step to date somebody in their 40's, but for me I don't like the idea of teens dating people who's in their 30's. Sorry, even though it's the same age gap, it just seems like the individuals are (or should!) be in different stages of their lives.
I of course can't judge too much, since my marriage has a age difference too, since I'm 23 and my SO is 32. Before me all of his girlfriends were his own age and he never considered dating anybody younger than himself, we just clicked.
I've been one of those girls who has always been attracted to the idea of "older" guys, since like mentioned, older guys can provide much more a feeling stability and security. Though before I met my SO my limit was around 6 years, so when we started talking (since I was a homestay student at his house) I never considered us to have any chances to be romantically involved in the future. I liked him, but at the same time the age gap scared me a bit. Now I personally set my limit with 10 years old - though depending on the age of the individuals, since I don't like the idea of people in their teens to date 10 year older men, but at the same time I don't see the problem with people in their 30's to date 15 years older guys (though even in this age group I do not really like the idea of 20+ years age gaps).

Overall, it's up to the individual. If it's legal (here both being 18+) and both of the partners love each other - and that nobody exploits the other one, then nobody can stop you and you should be happy to do as you please, of course that can't stop others from having their own opinions.

[thebadlydrawnfox]

There is a sort of generic rule for age differences that I've heard, which is half the older person's age plus seven is pretty much feasible, any wider a gap and you're in trickier waters. So, for example, if your SO is 42, then 28 and over means you shouldn't have too many difficulties in regards to raising kids, one of you ageing sooner and so on. Any younger, and these difficulties will become more apparent. Obviously this is not a serious rule, but it is quite useful and I find it to be fairly accurate.

It's been said here a few times already that life-stage is basically what you need to consider, and I concur whole-heartedly. You need to figure out what sort of future you have together, and whether that future is what you want. Yes, it is terribly romantic to say that you don't care as long as you are in each other's lives, but the truth is that if you end up unhappy in other areas of your life, you will become unhappy in your relationship.

When there is a significant age gap, then you and your SO are less likely to want a) the same thing from your relationship; and b) the same future. If you and your partner agree on a) and b), then all that remains to you is to achieve it.

I urge you to be cautious, however. I don't know exactly how old you are, but no matter how mature you believe yourself to be there are some lessons that are learned only by experience. Someone who has experience is in a position to take advantage of someone who doesn't. I don't want you to doubt your partner, but you have to be sure that your trust has been earned. Don't allow your SO's interest to flatter you to the extent that you ignore reason or concern from your family and friends.

Zephii and Malaga have raised some very good concerns, and I think that you need to be aware of and address these concerns rather than sweep them under the carpet as not applying to your situation. Zephii did not see the problems with her relationship until she was outside of it. Don't ignore advice from those who have experience being in your position. OldBlighty has reiterated Zephii's concern about how family and friends view the relationship; it truly is very important, because you need a network of support in your life, not a crutch. Otherwise if something happens to your crutch, you'll fall. What's more, if a lot of people believe your SO and you are well matched, then this gives you evidence that you are. If people who know both of you don't think you work together, you need to find out why.

Any time you are in a relationship, you need to make sure that what you are doing is working for you. This counts doubly is your relationship is facing a significant obstacle. What are you getting from this relationship? Is that what you want, or need? What is your future in this relationship? IS that what you want? Keep asking yourself and your SO these questions, especially when there are changes in your lives.

Best of luck to you!

[Tooki]

My Mum wasn't even 20 when she started dating my dad, who was in his mid 30's. Now they are happily married, and have been so for over 20 years now.

Assess what you want and what are you getting out of it. There are obvious age differences and things that come with it, but my parents made it work with more of an age gap. Good luck.

[kteire]

I guess it depends hugely on where you are in your 20s and where he is in his 40s, as someone said before (I can't recall who it was sorry!)... but generally I think large age gaps are not ok. It might be that you think you have similar mentalities, but I don't understand it.

I think a lot of this stems from having worked in healthcare in Canada - I worked with a patient once who was a very sick elderly man with a very young and active wife. They didn't have a massive gap, I think he was about 75 and she was about 50 so I've seen worse. But basically she was a youngish woman with teenagers having to take care of her elderly man who wouldn't live to see his kids graduate from secondary school. Maybe it's closed minded of me to judge their situation, but this woman was unhappy and I could understand why.

[Verojoon]

My SO is 4 years younger than me. About 2 years ago, this age difference could be felt a lot more than it does now. It really depends on the person, but most of us do a lot of maturing and figuring out in our 20s. Our age-related problems were mostly manageable but the problems that broke us up this summer could very well have been related to us being at different stages of life... That being said, he did a lot of growing up over the summer. He's done so much growing up that now I feel like he is often the more mature one of the relationship.

I am rarely attracted to men older than me, and like mentioned earlier, somehow a woman with a younger man raises more eyebrows than vice versa.. because women are supposed to mature faster than men and blah blah blah...

For me, it's about life stages. I briefly dated a man that were as much as 7 years younger than me, and it's sad to say but I really didn't give him a chance because in my head, I just couldn't imagine a 25 year old being in the same life stage as me. Even after he contacted me again to tell me he had gotten a better job and a car and his own place (to show me he was more mature) I didn't give him a chance... It wasn't fair on him, but I couldn't imagine him becoming part of my family... to me he needed a lot more living to do before he could become a family man. (He was a very innocent 25 year old... I know many men have a world of experience by that age... he had none...)

But when I see people with large age differences, my first reaction is maybe a little appalled... but it doesn't last long. Love is love... And the age difference will either cause problems or it won't... but if two people want to give it a try and it's legal and nobody is taking advantage of anybody, then why not!? If the different stages of life causes problems they will either work on it, or it won't work out... but it's like everything else... Every relationship will have its challenges... some of them can be too big to overcome and some may seem huge and end up causing nothing more than some small problems that can be worked out... who am I to judge other people for who they chose to love!?

[princessmeg1328]

My fiance and I have 10 years in between our ages, and I've never been so happy with anyone in my life. I agree with some of the others that it does depends on circumstances. For my fiance and I, we are doing a lot of "firsts" together. He's never been married and doesn't have any children so in that respect, it's like we're the same age. However because he's older, he also has more stability in his job. It all depends on what makes you happy.
As long as you treat it as a "normal" relationship, nobody is going to think twice about the age gap. My family and friends were all surprised at first, but because I treated it as just another relationship, they learned that it's not such a big deal after all.

[triste]

Ok here goes. My SO is 7 years younger. We were friends before dating, but neither knew the other's age. Attraction grew, we went out. First date, I busted out with "how old are you"? He responded and as a gentlemen, he did not ask me my age (he says to date that he didn't care). It drove me nuts. I wanted to tell him so badly, because I assumed it would be a deal breaker for him. For weeks I tried so hard to bring it up. My friends and family thought it was absolutely hilarious, and I was distraught thinking this hottie is gonna dump this cougar as soon as he finds out! Well, he didn't! In fact, he thought it was as funny as everyone else did. It appears I was the only one with a complex about our age difference. Yes, it helps that we are both in our 30's now and we look the same age. I overcame it, I honestly don't think about it at all...except for one tiny little thing that anyone in this sort of an age gap better be sure they are ok with:

I am 37, he is 30...my biological clock is getting close to stop ticking and he hasn't even considered kids as he is still working towards his future (Medical Field, takes FOREVER). Neither one wants more kids, um, NOW. But who is to say he may not change his mind? If he does, well, that is all she wrote. So, if you can have those kind of conversations, and be ok with it, then go for it. But, you asked the question...which makes me think you are questioning some of this at some level, how about your SO? Things like big age gaps beg the question, is this meant to be?

We all have our opinions and you will always be faced with people throughout your life that will judge you without ever getting to know you. Your kids will also have to endure some of this as well. Just food for thought.

PS-I really hate being called a cougar, but it kind of was how I felt at that moment.

[Zephii]

Gotta say im surprised at your response Zephii.
You could use a similer way of thinking to dimiss long distance relationships.... like he couldnt find someone in his own country, dont you find that abit funky?
Just because someone falls for someone outside the "normal" it shouldnt be perceived as a personality failing or something wrong with either of the people involved.
Ive just hit 30 (september) and my SO is in his early 40's, our age has never been an issue. If people fall in love and it's not illegal then go for broke, having said that i think a 20 year old with an 80 year old is abit odd.

I know right, sometimes I'm so open minded people think my brain's going to fall out and other times, I'm like "yeah, no that's a bit fucked".
Eclaire had me covered on this one, like she said - You're likely in similar stages in your life. There's a big difference between a ten year age gap and a twenty year one - it's freaking double. 20 years is a generation! Ten years? Yeah, I don't really have a problem with that. It doesn't make me wonder "how does that work?" or anything. But the OP is asking about very large gaps so that's what I'm addressing.

When I was in an LDR people did ask me if there was something wrong with me, or Obi, that we couldn't find someone in our own countries. Worse, we dated online for a long time before meeting, and I know exactly how pathetic that looks to outsiders. And you know what? They were right in my situation - I couldn't (or at least I didn't feel I could) establish a relationship with someone without that safety net there for me (the comfortable anonimousness) because at the time I had some massive issues. It doesn't mean I or Obi are bad people, but there were reasons why dating at a distance worked better for us than not.

But, whilst there might have been something wrong with us (social anxiety, lack of physical charms, poor social skills - whatever) we were/are still in the same stage of life and coming into the relationship on an equal footing. There's something wrong with everyone, and that's cool - but if that happens to be in a situation where one of those people is vulnerable to the other and might not even realise it, I'm sure as hell going to stand up and say something.

People read your history, old men hooking up with young women is not exactly a new phenomenon

True. And I used to use that in my defense all the time when I was in a generationally different relationship. But you know what is also saturating history? Women being the property of those men. There are still cultures in the world today where very young women are married off to much older guys and that's "normal" but it sure as hell doesn't make it right or natural - and the majority of those women, now or in history, didn't get a say in the matter.

[ashdav2010]

I have no problem with age gaps - my parents are 16 years apart and are amazing together. Me and my SO are 21 years apart and I have never been happier. We both have kids and have no desire for more, so that works for us. I definitely agree that if you are wanting kids that his age is something to consider

[DiMoose]

I don't have any real feelings againts, or in favor of this kind of relationships... I have been reading the other replies, and I agree with some, and see the point but can't agree with others, I think the important thing is to really and objectively consider YOUR situation, because you're the only one who knows what's really going on between you two. Id guess you are having some doubts about it, I don't know many people that ask other's opinions when they're sure of what they are doing. So again, I'd say be completely honest and selfish for a second, and think what is best for you. From every angle, not only the rose glasses, and completely in love one, but that cynical voice in the back of your head too.

I can tell you I haven't seen a succesful relationship of this kind... and I have a few around me. (but then again... you are not them...) it always comes down to different rythms in their everyday lives, that breaks them. But If its making you happy, and you are being a better person, a better woman for it. Go for it... Stop reading this and go love him... But do so with open eyes, and a critical mind... Its the only healthy way to find a life partner, to find a person that as faulty as he/she may be... IS just PERFECT for you.

[Phantomrose]

My SO and I are six years apart, and we hardly notice the age gap (then again, it is not huge lol.) The only time we do notice is either right around our birthdays, or when somebody questions our ages. As long as both people have similar interests a similar mindset, etc. I think age gaps should be ok.

[Biddlybiddlybombop]

I do like older people becuz they are experinced, wiser and mature. I knew some guys who were in my age group or the smae age as mine but it didnt realy work for me when I didnt like how they act or how they think,I dont even talk a lot with them during the conversation, I find my self more talkative when I talk to someone as his age group, its really interesting

I don't think being wise and mature is necessarily an age thing. I think it has a lot more to do with life experience and personality. I agree that many people in my age group are not necessarily as mature as I am. However, that's a result of me having a different set of experiences and opportunities than they do. On the other hand, there are people in my age group who are far more mature than I am, because they've had a different role in their life, and had to be more adult than I have.

That means that if you're more mature, you might attract people who are more mature, and be attracted to people that are more mature. But that's not necessarily an age thing.

Put it into perspective. If you're in your 20s, and he's in his 40s, and you're both the same maturity, it suggests that maybe, actually, he's maturing at a much slower rate than you are. When you are 40, you may see his relationship with you as a sign of his personal immaturity, rather than your maturity aged 20-something. I think, if you're as mature as you say you are, when you are his age, you won't see him in the same light as you do now.

I have to agree with what some people have said: It brings up a question of why he is interested in you. If it's really your maturity that makes your relationship possible, why hasn't he had luck with someone his own age? And I also agree that the older you get, the lesser the age gap gets. If you were in your 30s, I probably wouldn't be saying the same thing.

I also think you need to take into consideration your future. Is he interested in a family? In how many years is he hoping to retire? Do you really want the same things out of the next 20 years?

Ultimately, this is your life. And I see no problem with you dating him now, when you're seemingly on the same page. My concerns are with the future. You asked what we thought, this is what I think. If you're as mature as you say you are, he is developing at a slower rate than you, and when YOU are 40, you will not make the same decisions he is making at 40. If, actually, you're maybe more mature than your peers, but not 40 years worth of mature... he's immature for his age. And within the next 20 years, you're going to want to have children, raise a family, have a career. In the next 20 years, he's going to be thinking about retirement and trying to set himself up for staying healthy and independent in his old age.

These are things you should be asking him, and yourself, if you're planning a future together.

[Softy]

I'm not against it at all, myself I have an age gap between me and my SO.

The advice I would give you is to make sure you talk and both know what the other wants of this relationship.
Both make things clear and do know what each other goals are ( short and long terms).

Personally, my SO is 8 years younger than me.
When I first heard of how old he was i didn't want to date him.
Because he's in the low 20s and I just turned 30.

I was scared that was I was expecting of my relationship at my age and what a 20 yrs old guy wants, are two different worlds.
But we talked, I asked him how serious he was takin our relationship, we talked about our views of religion, marriage and if we wanted kids someday and how did we plan to close the distance.

So just make sure you are both on the same line, that you want the same things.

: )