Jealous of non- international LDRs

[Moon]

I did not call you a liar and explained what I meant and if this is not good enough and you continue push the issue , I going to ignore it.

Can you please let us get back to the OT?

Oh myyy, awfully hostile, dontcha think? Considering I haven't posted in the last several pages, it's hardly my fault your thread went off topic.

[kittyo9]

I don't find it shameful for people to have a hard time, I know there were times in my LDR I hit rock bottom too, but the lovely people here didn't let me mope about it, they picked me back up.
Personally I don't think anything good can come of people flocking together to nurture jealousy, resentment and to create divides of I've-got-it-harder-then-thou within the community.

I think (hope) what Hollandia was searching for was more along the lines of others who can share and relate to this feeling, specifically because it is unique to international LDRs-- not that it makes things entirely worse than what same-country/EU LDRs go through, but just a different problem that also happens to have particularly nasty ramifications if it goes wrong. It's difficult to identify with something you have never experienced, you know? I think it's important to acknowledge and talk about these feelings before sweeping them away and declaring them inferior, which most of the responses did immediately. I know you guys are trying to help, but I don't think that was the appropriate response. It's not really a pick-me-up when everyone is telling you how wrong you are without even exploring why you feel that way to begin with.

[ThePiedPiper]

I think (hope) what Hollandia was searching for was more along the lines of others who can share and relate to this feeling, specifically because it is unique to international LDRs-- not that it makes things entirely worse than what same-country/EU LDRs go through, but just a different problem that also happens to have particularly nasty ramifications if it goes wrong. It's difficult to identify with something you have never experienced, you know? I think it's important to acknowledge and talk about these feelings before sweeping them away and declaring them inferior, which most of the responses did immediately. I know you guys are trying to help, but I don't think that was the appropriate response. It's not really a pick-me-up when everyone is telling you how wrong you are without even exploring why you feel that way to begin with.

But most of the posters here are/have been in international LDRs and many of them, I know at least three, have dealt with the hassle that comes with getting a visa and immigrating into a country... I don't think anyone's telling Hollandia she's wrong. People got ruffled because she said that jealousy of others' non-international LDRs and knowing your situation could be better were the same thing and anyone who said they weren't were liars. I won't dig the topic back up again because Hollandia has explained it/clarified and rectified her point. But I don't see how telling her that she's in control of how she chooses to frame it by offering what they used to frame their relationships to get by is telling her that she's wrong. It's trying to present her with other perspectives and prevent this from turning into a thread filled with sob stories and pity parties, because while people need/deserve sympathy, they also sometimes need to be hit with a little perspective. I don't see anyone trying to invalidate her feelings or say she's inferior for feeling them. Most people on here, I see are trying to help her. Sometimes certain communities aren't good at letting people wallow, and I think all anyone's trying to do is help her put her situation in perspective so that she can learn to accept her situation and start moving past the negative emotions she wants to work through. The problem is that defensive behaviour can only spur defensive behaviour and it becomes a problem if and when it escalates, but that occasionally happens on LFAD and sometimes it needs to die out. I will say, though, as someone who was initially offended and is now not offended because of her clarification, I don't see anyone telling her she's wrong. I see people trying to help her in the only way you can with someone in this situation. They're trying to bring perspective. Just because no one's enabling her... it doesn't mean no one is supporting her.

[Hollandia]

My last post in this thread.

@Moon, Your posts are from from sugar and honey. You never understand what I am try to say. It is clear to me that some of us can be great friends and some of rub each other the wrong way. I got the fact that a clarification was needed and presented one, you assumed again my statement about positive/negative was directed at you. It was not. I was trying to get back to the heart of the subject and get OTHERS to feel free to post in the thread instead of the couple that have repeatedly done so since the judgments started.

@The other posts....
Having been a mod for another forum ,it is a pet peeve for me that others derail threads and defeats the whole purpose of the categories on a forum. Why go off on tangents and be proud about doing so? A thread drift is one thing but an thread derailment is actually just being rude and disrespectful to the OP's opinion. It is the main reason so many forums have Mods and Admins.

The statement about not allowing sob stories and wallowing just shows to me again that there is a feeling of judgement and looking your nose down on others that are brave enough to admit that had an issue with it and tying to work through it. That is pretty disgusting to me. Who is anybody to deem what is a right and wrong way to deal with their feelings. I did not asked to be enabled, that is downright insulting. That very statement alone is invalidating my feelings.

I thought some of us were friends and open to talk about my true feelings. I can now see the cliques and high school bullying that can happen if you disagree with the wrong couple people here. I really hope that this thread gets locked. It is a sad sight to see.

[ThePiedPiper]

Edit: This isn't even worth arguing about. All I will say from my original post here is that I never meant to offend you and if I had an issue with people owning up to issues, I wouldn't have spent time in therapy working through mine. I'm sorry you took my post offensively, and you interpreted it way deeper than I ever meant for it to be interpreted or for it to mean. I should have tried to convey my point more clearly because I was trying to diffuse things, not start more of them.

[Tooki]

I was raised to not pity myself and to work through my issues first. I do my best to be flexible but I felt like this was getting excessive. All I tried to do was provide alternative (unmentioned) solutions.

This forum is about discussion, especially when it's a broad spectrum like LDR's. If you really don't like it, go back to your own forum where you have control over its conduct. Yes this forum hasn't got a plethora of mods and admin but this forum also offers more self control, like being able to lock threads etc.

[Hollandia]

@Tooki, Yet again,you telling me what to do. If you don't like my posts. Please don't read them or reply.

Last last post.