Jealous of non- international LDRs

[Jazi]

I wouldn't even change the visa stuff! Even though it's expensive and long and arduous and completely frightening. Because if I didn't have to go through all this I would have never known about our immigration policy! I'm glad I know about it and am now more enlightened about my country.

actually, I think I agree with this too although I was being a little cheeky about the visa agreements.. Now that I think about it we would have crazy amounts of Brits streaming into the country if we had the same agreements as we do with NZ. The visa process kind of sucks, but I want to keep the integrity of the country intact.

I think the only thing I would truly want is for the wait time of the visa to be less.. we applied in November 2012, we are still waiting 6 months later for an answer, I understand it's 'Administrative Processing' for the sake of making sure there is a constant stream of a limited amount of people.. But it's hard, and a long time.. The wait used to be a lot less than it is now, they just recently raised it, and even a few years ago you could get the visa in less than 5 months.

Even though I wish the visa wait was less, I wouldn't want indefinite numbers of people being instantly granted a visa into my country.. So we have to wait it out with the rest of them.

[Hollandia]

Those laws aren't there to keep people in love apart, they're there to prevent illegal immigration and many other reasons, and they do make sense. They have to be there, you can't just keep open boarders between all the countries. I don't resent those laws, because I understand them.

I'm a bit offended by the second statement I bolded. Who are you to judge my honesty? Just because I don't feel exactly like you do does not make me, or anyone else, dishonest No, I'm not jealous, nor am I dishonest. Of course I wish my guy lived next door, but I CHOSE my relationship, I don't have to be in it, nobody is putting a gun to my head. Why would I be jealous because other people chose differently than me? Just because I wish we were closer doesn't mean I'm jealous of others who are, that's just silly. If I wanted the CD, or domestic, relationship that others have, I could have it too, but I CHOOSE to stay in this one. This is why you will rarely hear me moaning about traveling, borders, and time apart, because it was of my own doing. Yep, it can all be a huge painful pain in the ass, but I knew that going in, so please don't judge others because we feel differently than you do, or judge us all you want, silently.

This is going to be really blunt because my SO just told me his employer gave him his new contract and it not the 12 month one needed.

I really don't care why the laws were made. I made the statement that I was jealous of those that don't have to deal with them. This is not a political thread so I am not going into how some are happy to have the laws and some are not. These laws for whatever reasons are the ONLY thing that is keeping me and him together. I have every right in the world to resent them if I wish too.

If you take it as directed to you I assume you mean that you think you do wish that you were not international. I pointed no one out. It is pure common sense that if you wish you had what another had it is jealousy. I am happy that you are not jealous...more power to you. I do feel it at times and it is YOU that are judging me for saying so. I have judged noone, nor do I need to be told by a member to remain silent. I choose to be in my international LDR too, I am still jealous of those that are not.I am far from the only person to moan about our stuff we have to deal with. We cannot all be as stoic as some.

[mllebamako]

I guess I never really got jealous because I knew that that was our situation from the beginning and I accepted it. I don't think I ever thought, oh I wish he had American citizenship or oh, why couldn't we have just lived in the same country. Because then it wouldn't have been us and our unique relationship.

I've always tried to avoid comparing my relationship or my life to other people's. Every situation has it's pros and cons. Like lucybelle said, we could have been struggling with loads of other problems. Everyone is dealt their hand and I guess my hand included some complicated immigration problems and really, really expensive flights

[ThePiedPiper]

I'm a bit offended by the second statement I bolded. Who are you to judge my honesty? Just because I don't feel exactly like you do does not make me, or anyone else, dishonest No, I'm not jealous, nor am I dishonest. Of course I wish my guy lived next door, but I CHOSE my relationship, I don't have to be in it, nobody is putting a gun to my head. Why would I be jealous because other people chose differently than me? Just because I wish we were closer doesn't mean I'm jealous of others who are, that's just silly. If I wanted the CD, or domestic, relationship that others have, I could have it too, but I CHOOSE to stay in this one. This is why you will rarely hear me moaning about traveling, borders, and time apart, because it was of my own doing. Yep, it can all be a huge painful pain in the ass, but I knew that going in, so please don't judge others because we feel differently than you do, or judge us all you want, silently.

I agree with this. With my ex or even some of my closest friends who live in other states or countries, the ideal situation would have been for them to have lived here, but I'm not going to go green with rabid envy because they didn't/don't. They're two completely different feelings. One is accepting the situation for what it is, but also realising that things could be better (they can always be better and they can always be worse), and one is actively feeling negatively and envying what someone else has. I don't experience that and I rarely experienced it with my ex. I was never jealous of close-distance couples. I never hated them or felt angry or resentful at them because they "took their relationship for granted." Sure, sometimes seeing two people hugging and kissing made me miss my SO, but I never took it out on the other couple. I never envied what they have because their situation is entirely different. I chose to do my LDR, I choose to be close with some of the people I meet online and maintain close friendships, so I need to accept the terms that their companionship came/comes with. Realising that it would be great if they lived nearby - even within the same state - or occasionally wishing that the situation was different does not mean I am jealous. Jealous and wanting are two different things and it's offensive to assume that people are lying just because you go green in the face and they don't. :/

Like others said, there comes a point where you simply have to accept it. No, it's not the ideal situation, but it's either worth it to you or it isn't. You can sit there and pine away for what you can't have, but all that's going to do is cause ill feelings and result in the negativity of things like jealousy, for example, but you can also choose to accept it, deal with what comes as it comes, realise you can't change it, and make the best of it anyway. No LDR is easy. There is no convenient time to close the distance. Visits are strenuous whether you live in different countries or the same state, and it's ignorant to assume that one is any easier because there are less hurdles. Hurdles vary from person to person and from situation to situation. What your visa issues are for you? My family situation is for me. The same way someone's inability to get a visa might keep them tied to their country, my mother and sister keep me very much tied to mine. It presented a lot of strain in my relationship, not because getting a visa to Ireland would be hard, but because leaving my family would be. The thing is that while the grass might seem greener on the other side, it has just as many weeds, gopher holes and snakes/spiders/etc. as the grass you're standing in; you just can't see any of that from a distance.

[Moon]

This is going to be really blunt because my SO just told me his employer gave him his new contract and it not the 12 month one needed.

I really don't care why the laws were made. I made the statement that I was jealous of those that don't have to deal with them. This is not a political thread so I am not going into how some are happy to have the laws and some are not. These laws for whatever reasons are the ONLY thing that is keeping me and him together. I have every right in the world to resent them if I wish too.

If you take it as directed to you I assume you mean that you think you do wish that you were not international. I pointed no one out. It is pure common sense that if you wish you had what another had it is jealousy. I am happy that you are not jealous...more power to you. I do feel it at times and it is YOU that are judging me for saying so. I have judged noone, nor do I need to be told by a member to remain silent. I choose to be in my international LDR too, I am still jealous of those that are not.I am far from the only person to moan about our stuff we have to deal with. We cannot all be as stoic as some.

Actually, I didn't tell you to be silent, I said if you're going to judge members, do it silently, 'cause let's face it, everyone is judgmental to some degree.

Also, it has noting to do with stoicism, and everything to do with understanding. Understanding brings a degree of peace to your mind, so if the laws bother you so much, maybe understanding why they have to be there will lessen your resentment. Maybe not. Whatever, it works for me. I understand and accept my predicament, that's not stoicism either, it's just reality and I choose to look at the positives, instead of dwelling on the negatives. I refuse to let situations that I can't do anything about leave me bitter. I was not judging you, btw, I was disagreeing with you.

[Hollandia]

Actually, I didn't tell you to be silent, I said if you're going to judge members, do it silently, 'cause let's face it, everyone is judgmental to some degree.

Also, it has noting to do with stoicism, and everything to do with understanding. Understanding brings a degree of peace to your mind, so if the laws bother you so much, maybe understanding why they have to be there will lessen your resentment. Maybe not. Whatever, it works for me. I understand and accept my predicament, that's not stoicism either, it's just reality and I choose to look at the positives, instead of dwelling on the negatives. I refuse to let situations that I can't do anything about leave me bitter. I was not judging you, btw, I was disagreeing with you.

Okay, I was not judging others. I was making a statement about what I felt and asking others if they felt the same way. I have no problem with people disagreeing, otherwise the world would be a pretty boring place. I actually know quite a bit about the reasons for laws because I used to be quite political. I got burnt out on that. I simply don't care and don't agree with all of them. I am trying to work through my resentments in my own way and this thread is one of them.

I am not one of the young ones here and these laws for all of their good intentions really only stop most that are not willing to break them. Me and my SO are looking at hard deadlines to have kids or not and so just being positive won't fix that and also just understanding or looking at the good points don't work for all. Regardless of all this, I still really wanted to hear as many other international LDRs as possible. I am working to just deal with it and again being completely raw about how I feel.

[Tooki]

I'm not saying you do have more time or money than non-international LDRs. I'm sorry you don't like the climate where your SO lives, and that you don't feel safe there. I'm not saying it's a privilege that you get only by dating someone in a different country - it's a benefit, IMO, to the LDR. Yes, my SO & I could take vacations to a different country, but then it would be 2x's as expensive.

I don't travel to foreign countries currently because I don't have a "reason" to, beyond "I want to go". I am ridiculous and always feel a need to "validate" things I do. Take lunch today. I'm eating a salad, because I had a chicken biscuit for breakfast. Or, "I saved $x on this thing I was going to buy anyway from a coupon/sale, so I can splurge a little on this other thing I've been looking at purchasing."

I get what you are saying and I agree with you Lyon. Costs are cut dramatically if you have somebody in another country and there is more of a connection with your SO's home city/town/country because you can share their experiences.

Also for many of us kitty, we CAN travel more often because of our partner. I really do feel for your situation but have you tried to appreciate Peru. I know many who have been throughout South America and they loved it. I want to go there as well.

[Tooki]

Hollandia, for the last fucking time immigration laws are not designed to keep people out, they are designed to control the flow of immigration and make sure that people can live and survive in x country. Quit judging people for seeing the bright side to the difficulties of an international LDR.

Have you looked into getting your SO to move to the US? Other EU countries? Has your SO looked into getting another job that will offer him a 12 month contract?

[Hollandia]

Hollandia, for the last fucking time immigration laws are not designed to keep people out, they are designed to control the flow of immigration and make sure that people can live and survive in x country. Quit judging people for seeing the bright side to the difficulties of an international LDR.

Have you looked into getting your SO to move to the US? Other EU countries? Has your SO looked into getting another job that will offer him a 12 month contract?

Tooki, I know why they are created. I spent a few years on political forums. As much as you love to make this a political issue it is not. I don't care. I have a right to resent them and disagree with them. This was not intended to be an intellectual discussion. This is about feelings. You are not the end all know all to this subject. I have said I find them resentful and asked how others feel about the subject of being an international LDR. Your opinion is one as is mine. You don't resent the laws and barriers, bully for you. This does not make you right or me wrong.

We are unable to have him move here or in another country because of his prior commitments to this employer and school. If he loses the job he is planning on looking for another one. I did not ask for advice on that subject but since you went there.... My damn biological clock is ticking so until you walk in my shoes.........back off. Quit trying to shove down my throat how great it all is. I have been around this block for quite awhile and I choose not to drink the kool-aide about the way the governments govern. I don't need you accusing me of judging people when all I am doing is being honest with how I feel.

I would truly like to here from some others as of yet not heard from. You made your opinion clear, you don't like my viewpoint. noted. Sorry that I asked for others opinions and stated I was trying to work through my honest feelings. YOU are the one judging me for doing so. If you love politics so much, I suggest you make a political thread and label it as such for those that enjoy that can of worms. I don't.

I said I have honest feelings of jealousy for the fact that my LDR is international and others are not. I asked if any others in this situation do too. Some do and some don't. There is no judgement there, but it does seem to be common word some like to try to call it. The only judgement I hear is from the ones trying to tell me stop asking the question and trying to infer how wrong it is to do so.

[ThePiedPiper]

I think the issue of judgment was called into question because you said anyone who disagrees with you such that they experience wishing for but not jealousy is lying, when those are two different emotions even if you don't seem to think so. I could be wrong, but that seems to be when the judgment accusations began.

[Tooki]

I'm not trying to make this a political issue, don't make another presumption please. You brought the topic up in the first place. Other people said the same thing so there has to be some substance to that.

Fair enough on your SO. I only asked because you often post about how it's so difficult for you to move to the Netherlands but the topic of him moving to the US has not come up (where I am aware that you would more than satisfy the financial requirements due to your business etc). Again, it's something that has not been brought up but could be worth considering (especially when nobody here knows your stance on closing the distance in the US). I said nothing about having children and I never plan on bringing that topic up. D

Also you were judgmental by telling people that say that they are not jealous but would not mind living in the same country are lying. I don't drink any kool-aid, I'm realistic about how shit happens.

(TPP also said what I was referring to. I'll give you an example: I am not jealous of rich people, but I would not mind having their money.)

All I have left to add is that international LDR's add a unique cultural and global experience that a national LDR can never hope to offer. For me at least, that offsets the conveniences of being in the same country. One CAN close the distance internationally, one cannot fake the cultural experience.

[DiorAllure]

Well, this blew up. I don't want to get into any fights with anyone, but Hollandia, I feel you and totally get what you're saying. I think people are overreacting a bit.

Also, Tooki... I can see you and your SO are from Australia/Estonia. I don't know if you have any experience with US immigration, but if you do not, your comments along the lines of, "why don't you just ____, have you looked into ____" (especially when advice was not invited), are quite patronizing. The US is probably one of the most difficult countries to get into. We don't have things like working tourist visas here.

[lyonsgirl]

Well, this blew up. I don't want to get into any fights with anyone, but Hollandia, I feel you and totally get what you're saying. I think people are overreacting a bit.

Also, Tooki... I can see you and your SO are from Australia/Estonia. I don't know if you have any experience with US immigration, but if you do not, your comments along the lines of, "why don't you just ____, have you looked into ____" (especially when advice was not invited), are quite patronizing. The US is probably one of the most difficult countries to get into. We don't have things like working tourist visas here.

https://www.migrationexpert.com/work_visa/us_working_holiday/
?

[DiorAllure]

Very very specific circumstances.

[Tooki]

Well, this blew up. I don't want to get into any fights with anyone, but Hollandia, I feel you and totally get what you're saying. I think people are overreacting a bit.

Also, Tooki... I can see you and your SO are from Australia/Estonia. I don't know if you have any experience with US immigration, but if you do not, your comments along the lines of, "why don't you just ____, have you looked into ____" (especially when advice was not invited), are quite patronizing. The US is probably one of the most difficult countries to get into. We don't have things like working tourist visas here.

Hollandia is free to say that she doesn't want to talk about a certain topic. I didn't ask anything deeply personal like her bra size, I only asked if she considered moving in the other direction because she has not brought it up in her threads besides sporadically.

I also never told or directed Hollandia into doing a particular thing. Don't tell me that I did.