Is his love gone?

[LadyDaemon]

So,I just read all 3 pages of this thread. You're probably not going to listen,but I'm gonna try anyway. RUN. EFFING RUN. Stop justifying his behavior and stop trying to convince yourself he's going to change. He won't. He's already told you he only "thought he fell in love with you because of your face and eyes." etc.,he's already pretty much told you to change everything about you FOR him,he's unbending,he's stuck on himself and he's already told you that the way you think is completely wrong. No amount of visiting him is going to change that. This,what he's showing you on here right now,is what he is. Chances are if you were to go meet him it would be so much worse. You're hanging on because you can't deal with the idea of not being with him,because you have yourself convinced that you can't live with out him. That ideology will get you hurt in more ways then you can imagine right now if it goes on. There are others out there and you deserve better then what he's giving you. Like Aniay said,he just wants a puppet he can control and that will do everything he wants his way. That is no way to live or have a relationship. This is the most unhealthiest thing I've ever seen. You need to understand that there is compromise in a relationship and then there's making you change almost everything about yourself to suit the other person. There's a huge difference there. You need to leave and never look back.

[lucybelle]

I didn't read anything, but the thread title now has me singing this in my head:

[ThePiedPiper]

blunt or not I still wonder how can we judge an online personality/relationship and everything with what's real

Because many of us are or have been in LDRs that started out online. Many of us are or have been in LDRs that translated exactly in real life as they were online. That's how. Because abusive people online are abusive in real (even if it doesn't immediately show), and your average, everyday non-abusive partner is an average, everyday non-abusive partner in real life. When someone shows you this much of a shitty side online, it will only get worse in person. Doubt you'll trust me and every other person who blindly thought we were different when we were in it, but at the very least, please take care of yourself.

[Moon]

OK, now that that's out of the way...

I'm going to try a different approach, that I haven't seen in the absolutely spot on advice that you've already been given. I don't expect you to listen, you've made it very clear that despite what these smart people are telling you, it's not what you'll let yourself believe. So, let's take another look at the two of you for a second. The impression I'm getting is that you're the overly romantic, love-conquers-all, very emotional type. Nothing wrong with that, it's WHO YOU ARE and you can't change it. You want the loving, romantic gestures, the deep emotional talks, with feelings very much in the open. Again, there's nothing wrong with that, it's WHO YOU ARE.

He is the practical, more logic-driven type, he's unemotional and is not comfortable sharing his feelings. He wants conversation that is more day-to-day, and isn't interested in all the lovey dovey sweet talk. There's nothing wrong with that, it's WHO HE IS. (I won't mention that he's also a massive, controlling, cruel, abusive piece of shit, everyone's told you that already. That's also WHO HE IS).

Anyway, there's nothing wrong with either of you, but you (read this and think about it very carefully) two are not compatible. There is absolutely no chance that you'll ever be happy in this relationship, your love is not going to change how he is, regardless of the number of excuses you make for his horrible behavior. You need to set all of your emotions aside and think logically, can you ever honestly be happy with someone so unromantic and unemotional? He is not going to change that. No, he isn't, regardless if he's on the internet or in real life, people are who they are. Your showing up isn't going to turn him into the type of man you need, I assure you. You will never be happy with someone so out of touch with their emotions, you will always feel unloved and not good enough, is that really what you want for your life???

Look, I am right about this, listen to me, I'm old and have more relationship experience than anyone has a right to I'm not bragging about that, I'm telling you that because you keep making excuses and telling people how they just don't know and how different it will be in person. Not true, and that's not my opinion, that's how it is, period.

Also, you brought up about his lack of trust in women, he's been cheated on, blah, blah, blah....well, so what?? What does that have to do with YOU? Did you cheat, or lie to him? No? Then why are you OK being the victim of other women's errors? You didn't do it and if he honestly loved you, and really thought you were special, he wouldn't make you pay for the mistakes of others.

As for telling you that you have to change your brain...are you both aware that brain transplants aren't available yet? You DO NOT have to change, and if you were compatible, he wouldn't be telling you that. That's my main, and most important point; you two are not a compatible couple. I know it hurts, and I'm also pretty sure you're gonna go see him anyway, but I promise you this relationship is not going to work out in the long run. He will not be Prince Charming in person, after speaking with him as long as you have, you've seen who he is. Women tend to try rationalizing when they hear things painful, like "I don't love you", and make excuses like "He's just afraid", etc. That's exactly what you're doing. Men say what they mean, and you should listen, instead of trying to rationalize it into something that hurts less, and is completely unrealistic.

Please think carefully, and logically about what you're doing here. If he only breaks your heart, consider yourself lucky.

[innocentbutterfly]

@ladydaemon

he didn't tell me he fell in love because of eyes and smile, he said he liked me first because of that, but later fell in love and well it couldn't be just that then. I know he likes my humorous side. Either way, you're saying run like I'm going into a suicide attempt. ITS A FIRST MEETING. nothing is set, we could end up not even liking/attracting each other. So why think so much ahead in the future? at least we both desrve to see the real side of it too. Because yeah online it can be some "love", but the way I see it it's just a kind of habit and how you said it I can't imagine a change just yet. But still, this is not reality, reality is so much different and we can't know how compatible we are until we are soending some time together actually in person not over screen. And like I said, if it even comes to that. And if I go, it's fine. He said if something is wrong/I don't like him, it's okay, I return and it will just be a holiday and we'll cut contact forever. So you see what I mean? JUST A MEETING. Because I know realist that he is, he also doesn't believe very much in this online love, he wants to see reality, how we click there and well, so do I, because online doesn't mean anything, it means really little if it's not real.

@Moon

you got my personality pretty much down the way it is and maybe even his, but I'll say the same that I said above. It's just a meeting. Why should I fear to meet? Of course he's not gonna chain me there and keep me prisoner if likings aren0t mutual.

There's many people that looked incompatible and ended up marrying and being happy, changes happen if two are willing to sacrifice themselves. And I can't know how much he's willing to sacrifice over internet, I have to see this in reality. Love, true one, changes people and well I know that much that this, online just isnt any kind of TRUE just yet.

And yes, reality IS different, there's no way you can compare it to what's online and I didn't mean just general different. I meant if he really finds he loves me when I'm finally in front of him, well he either will start acting differently, get to his senses, or I'm walking away. Why would it be any harder than that? He's got millions of girls there if he doesn't like something about me, why would I be in trouble for that? We talked this and it was his answer always that we just say goodbye and think of it as a nice holiday and well that's it, goodbye forever.

WEll we had some fake profiles trouble and yes there was a bit of a trust break at the beginning, so I can't blame him now for not trusting me completely, though he did a bad move testing me with a fake profile.

And see exactly that is the reason why I wanna finish this with reality, because online is nothing compared to it. Every LDR sacrifices that by MEETING in real, so how could we be any different? U can't know something until it's real and well internet is far from that.

[innocentbutterfly]

and so when I mentioned today how many days is left till I come, he said he doesn't care about other stuff and how many days, he cares when I'll actually be there. So you see, he just wants reality, because internet relationship is nothing if it doesn't happen in real.

[Moon]

I'm not saying don't meet, it's obvious it's something you feel you need to do. I will say to not set unreal expectations for this relationship, and be prepared for disappointment. All the sacrifice and work in the world cannot and does not change who you are fundamentally, you can fake it for a while, but you can never be truly happy that way for very long. Trust me on that one, I am right. There are things you can change, of course, but not the person you are down to your core, you're born that way.

Do what you will, but nobody with an ounce of self-esteem or self-worth would let someone speak to you the way he does, and find it at all acceptable. I'm not sure why you think that will be different in real life, respect is respect, no matter the venue.

Please keep in mind that LFAD is a very kind, very caring community and very different than most of the internet. There is no agenda here, we are reaching out to a stranger because we genuinely want to help you and make sure you're OK. We're all coming to the same conclusion, do you honestly think that so many people, in such a diverse community, are all wrong? Every one of us understand LDR's, unlike people in real life, and we're worried enough about your situation to take the time to try offering advice. Please remember that, and think about the response you'd give to a young woman in your situation, look at what you wrote from a stranger's perspective, OK?

Have your visit, but don't let yourself be so blinded by "love". If things don't go well, then we'll be here to help you pick up the pieces too, if you'd like.

[innocentbutterfly]

moon, thanks a lot see thats what i am saying. I just want to meet and see the reality and then decide if to continue or not. That exactly is our agreement too. And i am not saying he would be completely different in real, but then he will be sure if what he feels is love or not and behave according to that. Because deep down he is as skeptic as I am, he told me internet is nothing, all of it is nothing if we dont meet and see how we click or not then. Thats why i am guessing all this behaviour too, because deep down even if he assures me, he cant be sure this is it. As i cant be. Real feelings are nothing alike to internet. And yes if it doesnt go so well, ill just look at it as a holiday, agreed and we will both move on. It will be easier for me when ill know his real side and thank you for already being there for me.

[LadyDaemon]

@ladydaemon

he didn't tell me he fell in love because of eyes and smile, he said he liked me first because of that, but later fell in love and well it couldn't be just that then. I know he likes my humorous side. Either way, you're saying run like I'm going into a suicide attempt. ITS A FIRST MEETING. nothing is set, we could end up not even liking/attracting each other. So why think so much ahead in the future? at least we both desrve to see the real side of it too. Because yeah online it can be some "love", but the way I see it it's just a kind of habit and how you said it I can't imagine a change just yet. But still, this is not reality, reality is so much different and we can't know how compatible we are until we are soending some time together actually in person not over screen. And like I said, if it even comes to that. And if I go, it's fine. He said if something is wrong/I don't like him, it's okay, I return and it will just be a holiday and we'll cut contact forever. So you see what I mean? JUST A MEETING. Because I know realist that he is, he also doesn't believe very much in this online love, he wants to see reality, how we click there and well, so do I, because online doesn't mean anything, it means really little if it's not real.

I didn't say it any different then anyone else said it. BUT you're hell bent on it so good luck with that.

[innocentbutterfly]

so guys just reporting I am alive and back from the trip. I can say it was quite a surprise, the way we instantly got a connection the 1st second we saw each other and the way he put his efforts into all the organizing when before the trip he wasn't showing much of enthusiasm, just a surprise. I'm glad I went and won my fear over fyling and travelling alone too.

All I can say is our 1st time meeting was like we knew each other forever, we even parted in tears and he is not a crier. But I got other things to worry now, when we were saying bye he said it would be hard and he doesn't wanna hurt me more and that we can't always just see each other every half year or so. I told him we have to be strong, but I'm not sure, een though I saw his love for me is extremely big he is a realist and distance is now mpre of a problem for him...I noticed a few other things, sometimes when he would be angry he would kind of use a joking/serious slaps on cheek, but I didn't like that, I still don't know what to think of it, but the rest, he was very loving and caring.

Also, there is other factors I worry about now, he lives with family and has no intention to move out and when we would talk about me visiting again he kind of said he can't stay with me long because he's got a family. Of course its not right in their religion he would say he would stay with a girl if she's not his wife, but I think it's a problem because he only gets 2 weeks of holiday a year and if he would want us to use just that to see each other, I don't think it would be enough, but he doesn0t like the idea of me staying more while he works as he says he can't let me be alone at home...I don't know what to do for this problem

[Moon]

Oh my god, innocentbutterfly, how I WISH I could find a way to get through to you His slapping you in the face when arguing, DURING YOUR FIRST VISIT EVEN, should be enough, how is it that it isn't? You know that's abuse, right? What will he do next time, or when he gets used to you being around? I'm honestly frightened for you, I mean that, but you aren't going to listen to anybody, why? You have a forum full of wise, experienced people, yet you're sure we're all wrong, and you know better. Read this please...https://www.wikihow.com/Recognize-a-...e-Relationship

Love isn't abusive, love doesn't physically hurt, love doesn't tell you he can't spend holidays with you, love doesn't call you names. Seriously, you're about to ruin your life, I am not exaggerating, stop what you're doing and listen to reason. Open your eyes before it's too late. I know you aren't ready to hear any of this, but I truly hope you come to your senses before he really hurts you. You can PM me anytime if you need to talk about this further, you don't deserve to be hit, not for any reason, no one does. Slapping is just the beginning, do the research yourself. Please.

[ThePiedPiper]

He's going to end up beating you and hurting you in a way that will make you grateful you only can see each other every half year. Seriously. Get out while you still can.

[LadyDaemon]

All I can say is our 1st time meeting was like we knew each other forever, we even parted in tears and he is not a crier. But I got other things to worry now, when we were saying bye he said it would be hard and he doesn't wanna hurt me more and that we can't always just see each other every half year or so. I told him we have to be strong, but I'm not sure, een though I saw his love for me is extremely big he is a realist and distance is now mpre of a problem for him...I noticed a few other things, sometimes when he would be angry he would kind of use a joking/serious slaps on cheek, but I didn't like that, I still don't know what to think of it, but the rest, he was very loving and caring.

Also, there is other factors I worry about now, he lives with family and has no intention to move out and when we would talk about me visiting again he kind of said he can't stay with me long because he's got a family. Of course its not right in their religion he would say he would stay with a girl if she's not his wife, but I think it's a problem because he only gets 2 weeks of holiday a year and if he would want us to use just that to see each other, I don't think it would be enough, but he doesn0t like the idea of me staying more while he works as he says he can't let me be alone at home...I don't know what to do for this problem

Denial is more then just a river in egypt. This thing you keep talking about "he's a realist",what does that have to do with anything? And how does that even make sense? He doesn't want distance with you and it's more of a problem then before but yet he can't stay with you very long because "he's got family" and because he can't let you be home alone? Um,last I checked,when you're in a relationship with someone you truly love you can trust them enough to leave them home by themselves for a little bit. Since when in a normal and healthy relationship does that make sense? Is he afraid his family is going to tell you things while he's not there about how he really is or something? That's something I'd be seriously questioning and asking yourself about.

Also,when someone is angry and slapping you on the cheek/face it is never in a joking way. There is no way to go "abiofboifbofsoi!!! " *slaps* "oh honey I'm sorry I was just joking". What kind of logic is that? I know you're smarter then that and can clearly see that it was wrong,he did it out of anger cause he meant it and it was wrong. Save yourself from this relationship and this guy and WALK. THE. HELL. AWAY. That's the thing here,it starts with little stuff like that and then it gets progressively worse until they're full on hitting you and abusing you. You should see this as a red flag. What happens if you move and close the distance with this guy and he does this? what are you going to do when someone asks you about it? Tell them "Oh he just didn't like what I was doing because he's a realist so he slapped me,but it's ok cause he still loves me". You're really playing with fire here and I suggest you get out before you get burned badly.

[TwoThree]

Just want to step in just in case innocentbutterfly is using cultural relativism in her head as a way of justifying him slapping her (jokingly or lightly or whatever) around.

I live in a society that is quite similar to Turkey's (though one might argue that they are slightly more "modern" than us) and even for someone from my background, THAT SHIT IS NOT OKAY. He is an abusive piece of shit, plain and simple.

But I have a feeling that whatever was said above and from now on will get in one ear and out from the other, so.... I hope you see reason eventually.

[Swederica]

I can only echo the others concern, and concern for you we got a lot of.

As someone who moved across half the world for my former SO, and there's a lot of people on this website that has moved across the world for someone they love, the requirement to only see eachother during holidays is silly.
He doesn't sound like the nicest person in the world, and can you honestly see yourself spending the rest of your life with that man? Because if you can, you shouldn't value yourself so low to think you deserve that. You really shouldn't.

I know you're feeling attached and I suppose in love and perhaps you're scared of losing that, but holding onto something bad won't make you feel good.