Cultural Differences and Language Barriers with your SO

[lucybelle]

Just experienced a huge cultural difference last night. But the thing is, my SO and I think the same way. That way just happens to be different from the rest of Latin Americans.

[roosie]

Chris is a native English speaker and I'm not, so occasionally we find ourselves in weird situations. We don't struggle just combining two cultures but four: I'm Finnish and Chris is English-Irish-Hong Kong-Chinese (yup, I feel sorry for our future kids). He has also lived in three continents, Europe, Asia and Australia, so he is quite a weird mix of them all. I find it really great, I get to enjoy the best of all worlds, but sometimes it's quite a challenge to tell if he does something because of one of his multiple cultures or just because of his personality.. which is influenced by so many places.

When we started dating, Chris would say something and I would reply with a rather monotonous "mm-m". Chris thought that I couldn't understand what he said because apparently my mmming sounded like a question, although I was just replying with a typical Finnish enthusiasm. So he always repeated what he had just said, every single time. So, about 10 times in a minute. You can imagine how confused we were, Chris thought that I had suddenly lost my ability to speak English and I thought that he was really weird. Somehow it took us several days of confused looks before figuring it out.

Another time we were cooking and Chris suggested we make poached eggs. He wanted to add the boiling water some vinegar but I thought that certainly that couldn't be right.. He insisted and insisted and then he started peeling the eggs, which made them crack in the water. I was really confused and somewhat mad that he was ruining our meal so I was shouting: "What are you doing?!?!?! You are not supposed to crack the eggs?!" Yeah, that was the day when I learned that poached eggs don't mean the same as boiled eggs.

[stephgrace2313]

The struggle

I saw there were posts considering this but maybe there are some new couples on here that have cultural differences in their relationship. Those are the differences that you rally can't be mad about. You can talk them through. I would like to know what the differences some of you have and how you deal with them?

What about Language barriers? Who has those? How do you deal with those?

My SO can speak english very well but, his friends and most family can not also I can not speak and dutch. Im trying to learn But they also speak friesen.

[Ramir]

I wouldn't call it a "barrier" per say...I'm a native English speaker and my SO speaks Thai. We are not fluent in each other's language...in fact her English is way better than my Thai (which is just simple words) We communicate well enough through text messages...surprisingly, our favorite time is when we video chat with each other...we laugh when we're stuck in the conversation where neither one knows that one word to explain to the other.

We keep the vocabulary simple..and we usually get the message what the other person is trying to convey. If we don't understand...we just simply ask each other "...what does it mean?..or I don't understand.." The beautiful thing is that we're able to express our feelings to each other...

I continue to learn my Thai...I'm able to speak some simple sentences...and it helps so much that my SO is encouraging..she says when I live in Thailand my Thai will get much better and she always compliments me on how my Thai is improving..and she's not shy about correcting me either..that's important.

I say, if the relationship is a true one, you'll both manage ways around language...nowdays it's so easy and exciting to learn your SO's native language...it's worth effort and most importantly, your SO will appreciate so much...you don't have to be perfect...just enough will do.

[ukusa]

We don't have religious or class differences, or a language barriere. Well, I say that provisionally. The English seem to have a complex code speak that sometimes means the complete opposite of what the words actually say. Like, when he says "it's OK" he actually means "I hate it" - it took me a while to comprehend the exact level of his dislike. He never says "no" to me - apparently that's rude.. he says "we'll see" instead. "We'll see" always translates as "no" but I didn't get it at first. Then he complains about work even when he's not particularly dissatisfied (and sometimes even as a way of saying he's happy with it) just because 'bragging' about it is apparently cringeworthy. It took me some time to understand when he's annoyed for real and when he's just complaining as part of his code speak. That's just one of many things. In comparison, where I come from the code speak isn't nearly as complicated, we're pretty straighforward.

I have the exact same problem deciphering between when my SO is annoyed or not! I really wish he would be more straight forward because I've just become paranoid that he's annoyed at me all the time or has something on his mind and isn't saying so! Do you talk to your SO about it or have any problems with miscommunication?

Today, i asked my SO how his family is, and he replied "oh wow you haven't asked me about them since you've been here, amazing" which i found so snide. I had no idea he was feeling like I didn't ask about them enough...

[staceitia]

Mmm... we had language barriers when we first began talking; when we were friends. It was veryyy difficult for him because he didn't know English well but I still fell for him; over the months he took classes and I taught him on skype too and now his English is better than mine haha!

[Malaga]

I have the exact same problem deciphering between when my SO is annoyed or not! I really wish he would be more straight forward because I've just become paranoid that he's annoyed at me all the time or has something on his mind and isn't saying so! Do you talk to your SO about it or have any problems with miscommunication?

We should have a special thread for the pains of communication with the English...

Yeah I understand your paranoia well. I feel like every time I suggest something I have to make him promise he'll tell me straight what's on his mind. He's acknowledged his lack of straight-forwardness and how it can lead to misunderstandings (because it has quite a few times), however it's hard for him to just shake that pattern off.

Yesterday I told him about an idea I had for our next visit and he reacted in a rather elusive way. I had to interrogate him on how does he feel about it which I know he found quite uncomfortable and so I felt like a bit of a tyrant, but honestly sometimes it's the only way we can move from the spot. It's so frustrating though.

[Ahava]

We should have a special thread for the pains of communication with the English...

Yep, LOL
I'm quite lucky with my Brit as he seems to be quite different. He can say quite straight what he thinks and is really easy going.
There is the politeness factor though.
I think it probably depends on your upbringing and what area you are from too?

[Tooki]

Yep, LOL
I'm quite lucky with my Brit as he seems to be quite different. He can say quite straight what he thinks and is really easy going.
There is the politeness factor though.
I think it probably depends on your upbringing and what area you are from too?

I'm very much the same in this regard. My GF is quite honest and blunt compared to this, yet somehow it still works .

[ukusa]

We should have a special thread for the pains of communication with the English...

Yeah I understand your paranoia well. I feel like every time I suggest something I have to make him promise he'll tell me straight what's on his mind. He's acknowledged his lack of straight-forwardness and how it can lead to misunderstandings (because it has quite a few times), however it's hard for him to just shake that pattern off.

Yesterday I told him about an idea I had for our next visit and he reacted in a rather elusive way. I had to interrogate him on how does he feel about it which I know he found quite uncomfortable and so I felt like a bit of a tyrant, but honestly sometimes it's the only way we can move from the spot. It's so frustrating though.

I completely know how you feel! I feel like in an LDR it's so important to be open about things because the communication is not as frequent and it's silly to waste time trying to guess what the other is thinking/feeling.

And there should totally be a special thread! :P

Are you going there on your next visit?

[SaraHonRara]

As we both come from scandinavian countries, our culture are quit alike and have not caused any differences. Just the small things that I am quit sure comes from growing up in different families.

I should maybe explain that Norwegian and Swedish are very similar languages. So similar that we have never spoken english to each other. There are some words that are different, but we ask.

The biggest problem I will say, is that he thinks my tone of voice always makes me sound happy. So when I am angry with him for something, he always starts to laugh, which makes me even angrier. Then he says, that me happy tone of voice makes it so hard to take me serious when I am angry with him.

[AussieAmericanGirl66]

We don't have religious or class differences, or a language barriere. Well, I say that provisionally. The English seem to have a complex code speak that sometimes means the complete opposite of what the words actually say. Like, when he says "it's OK" he actually means "I hate it" - it took me a while to comprehend the exact level of his dislike. He never says "no" to me - apparently that's rude.. he says "we'll see" instead. "We'll see" always translates as "no" but I didn't get it at first. Then he complains about work even when he's not particularly dissatisfied (and sometimes even as a way of saying he's happy with it) just because 'bragging' about it is apparently cringeworthy. It took me some time to understand when he's annoyed for real and when he's just complaining as part of his code speak. That's just one of many things. In comparison, where I come from the code speak isn't nearly as complicated, we're pretty straighforward.

That's interesting. My Aussie guy says that all the time, "We'll see, or we'll see what happens." He says that when I try to get him to commit to something I want. And he does say It's OK, sometimes when I am apologizing for saying or doing something impulsive and stupid, and thinking I might have upset him. I'm just lucky he is so patient with me.

[TexastoFinland]

I know what you mean! I grew up in a family that is pro-gun. They had me shooting rifles as soon as I was big enough to hold one. They thought the "proper" way to raise up a lady in the south was to teach her to use a gun and she could protect herself and provide food for the kids if something bad happened. People in Finland arent so bothered by my toting guns. Also I was raised in a southern family where a lady is known for her cooking skills. I also like to get my man a beer or a drink when he asks. I think they found it shocking that women do that in Finland. When I saw his drink low I just automatically got another one. He looked at me weird at first and I explained that's how a Texas woman takes care of her man. Now he asks me if I can get him more coffee or whatever and he still cringes at first when he asks. He jokingly says if I asked a Finnish woman that she would throw the cup at me!! lol

By the way things ARE bigger in Texas and we do have pretty big serving sizes for the price.

Even though we both technically speak 'English' there are lots of differences between Northern England language and culture to Southern US. There are so many words he uses that I have to ask for translations and I actually struggle to understand them all when the whole family get the drawl going.

Culturally the main thing that always shocks me is the guns....his best friend has a massive gun safe in his house with all sorts in and then he has a pistol that he keeps on hand, then there's the hunting obsession, big trucks, having to drive everywhere. Another thing I struggle with is that the part of the US he lives in all looks the same, the out of town shopping places look identical, British buildings have far more character and age.

Other differences I've noticed:
- the size of portions in the US is so much bigger, we went to the cinema and I couldn't believe the size of the 'small' soda cups.
- there are far more many ready-made foods in the supermarkets, everything seems to come in a can/packet and no-one seems to use small independent shops as much.

[milaya]

We have a lot of cultural differences - me being from a Scandinavian country and him being from Japan. But, I've studied Japanese history, culture and language for almost 4 years as a major at university and I've been dating my SO for 4 years as well, so I think we have a good understanding - at least I have a good understanding of Japanese culture. There's many things I know about, but still dislike though...

I'm also close to fluent in Japanese, so no major language barrier there.

As we both come from scandinavian countries, our culture are quit alike and have not caused any differences. Just the small things that I am quit sure comes from growing up in different families.

I should maybe explain that Norwegian and Swedish are very similar languages. So similar that we have never spoken english to each other. There are some words that are different, but we ask.

The biggest problem I will say, is that he thinks my tone of voice always makes me sound happy. So when I am angry with him for something, he always starts to laugh, which makes me even angrier. Then he says, that me happy tone of voice makes it so hard to take me serious when I am angry with him.

But... Norwegian does sound happy! XD
We always say that Norwegian people sing when they talk. Actually think there's a lot of Danish jokes about that.

[rufuz]

My SO and I talk in English although it is neither my nor his native language. We both are quite good at it but not perfect of course ... but we always understand each other. He doesn't speak German at all but my Spanish is pretty OK, at least I understand everything he says when he sometimes texts me in Spanish ...and I have also read Spanish books. But talking Spanish myself or understanding the Mexicans when they talk soooo fast is still very hard for me. That's why we talk in English most of the time. I am pretty sure that we will change to talking Spanish when I've practiced it enough. And I am also going to teach him some German, at least some helpful phrases.

For me the communication with his family is not a big deal because he lives with his sister and his brother in law. His brother in law is my godfather and lived in Germany before he moved to Cancun 20 years ago, so I am always talking German with him and also my SO's sister has spent a few months in Germany to be able to talk German with her husband, so we can talk in German too. I've already met my SO's dad before we even became a couple.. he only speaks spanish, but as there are enough people to translate it was quite okay. I think it will be harder when my family is finally getting to know him. I think nobody in my family is very good at English and nobody speaks spanish but I think the most important phrases will work.

Concerning the cultures there are huge differences. The houses in Mexico look so much different to ours in Germany. And my biggest shock was when they told us we must not throw the toilet paper into the toilet but into the bin next to the toilet. I thought that this must be really disgusting but now that I got used to it it's normal to me. Another thing is that all the stores are open 7 days a week. In Germany almost everything is closed on sundays. Most of the Mexicans have to work 6 days a week while in Germany it's 5 days most of the time. Mexicans earn soooo little money although the things there are not that much cheaper than in Germany. But I really love the Mexican culture more than the german one. In Germany everybody is so serious and idk.... But in Cancun everybody was very helpful and nice and I got the feeling that they are enjoying life much more than the Germans do, which I think is also due to the nice weather there