Cultural Differences and Language Barriers with your SO

[Elli]

Hello everyone
My SO and I don't have big language problems. I'm from Germany and I've learnt English for many years.

However sometimes I feel like my brain is only used to hear him talking, because I have bigger problems when I talk to his friends or family. They are all very nice of course and try to speak slowly and repeat whenever I don't understand.

But it makes it difficult to get to know his friends. I have met some of them a few times now and I like them, they are very friendly people. But mostly I just sit there and listen, don't know what to say because either I can't really relate to the things they are talking about or because the language barrier makes me a bit shy.
Usually I am a really happy, talky person who likes to make jokes and be funny. I am sure they think I am a very quiet, rather boring person! That worries me a bit, because I want them to get to know me and to like me. Otherwise they will maybe start wondering why my boyfriend is with me or maybe it will make him sad that I can't enjoy being with him and his friends! I don't want him to think he has a better, funnier time with his friends when I'm not around

Has anyone experienced similar things and thoughts? And do you have any advice how to get over this problem?

[differentcountries]

I just came back from the Tyrkisk countryside, where most people speak NO English. If I met strangers, they would rather talk German to me, which I understand but I am not fluent in. Most people would simply adress me in Turkish, and just talk some more if I didn't understand. SO and one of his brothers would translate, but still it is not so charming when over time you don't understand and people expect you to. Well, it did make me confidant to speak the little Turkish I do know and I imagine by the end of the year I will have a larger vokabulary and have learned grammar. My advice is simply embrace the role of the Village idiot... Smile and nod a lot, look people in the eyes, take advantage of your SO as a translator, don't be afraid to say the wrong thing, be glad when you are corrected because then you learn. Ask them questions when you figure out something about them.

Sometimes my SO doesn't understand when I am being polite in English. He does speak a very polite English himself, but it is phrases he learned and so I must speak more straightforward for him to understand.

[Alle1770]

Hello everyone
My SO and I don't have big language problems. I'm from Germany and I've learnt English for many years.

However sometimes I feel like my brain is only used to hear him talking, because I have bigger problems when I talk to his friends or family. They are all very nice of course and try to speak slowly and repeat whenever I don't understand.

But it makes it difficult to get to know his friends. I have met some of them a few times now and I like them, they are very friendly people. But mostly I just sit there and listen, don't know what to say because either I can't really relate to the things they are talking about or because the language barrier makes me a bit shy.
Usually I am a really happy, talky person who likes to make jokes and be funny. I am sure they think I am a very quiet, rather boring person! That worries me a bit, because I want them to get to know me and to like me. Otherwise they will maybe start wondering why my boyfriend is with me or maybe it will make him sad that I can't enjoy being with him and his friends! I don't want him to think he has a better, funnier time with his friends when I'm not around

Has anyone experienced similar things and thoughts? And do you have any advice how to get over this problem?

I've had this issue myself, so I can definitely relate! I've been learning Spanish for many years now, but once I met my SO I only got used to hearing him speaking Spanish with me, and therefore got used to how he spoke the language. Once I went over there to meet his family and friends, it was impossible to keep up and to try and understand what they were saying - I only caught a few words here and there. It frustrated me to no end! But since then, I've realized that the more I listen to people I don't know speaking Spanish, the easier it gets as you get used to different accents and voices.

So my tip would be to just listen to other people speaking English and eventually you'll get used to it! Watch Youtube videos, or listen to radio shows - there's plenty out there. Good luck

[Dziubka]

Hello everyone
My SO and I don't have big language problems. I'm from Germany and I've learnt English for many years.

However sometimes I feel like my brain is only used to hear him talking, because I have bigger problems when I talk to his friends or family. They are all very nice of course and try to speak slowly and repeat whenever I don't understand.

But it makes it difficult to get to know his friends. I have met some of them a few times now and I like them, they are very friendly people. But mostly I just sit there and listen, don't know what to say because either I can't really relate to the things they are talking about or because the language barrier makes me a bit shy.
Usually I am a really happy, talky person who likes to make jokes and be funny. I am sure they think I am a very quiet, rather boring person! That worries me a bit, because I want them to get to know me and to like me. Otherwise they will maybe start wondering why my boyfriend is with me or maybe it will make him sad that I can't enjoy being with him and his friends! I don't want him to think he has a better, funnier time with his friends when I'm not around

Has anyone experienced similar things and thoughts? And do you have any advice how to get over this problem?

I was in exactly the same situation when me and my SO started dating. I was fluent in his language when we met, but in social situations with a lot of people talking at the same time and about other people/stuff that I didn't know, I always felt shy and kinda left out. At times I felt like I was sort of disabled.
I don't think there's anything you can do about it, but it will go away with time. Once you know his friends better and the conversations start to be about things that you know about or events you were present at, it'll be easier to participate for you. You could ask your boyfriend to actively involve you in the conversations every once in a while "Elli, you've been to xyz, too, right? How did you like it?" or whatever to make it easier for you to join the conversation. But other than that, just try your best to give input where you can.

I'm sure they don't think you're boring. Everyone is a bit shyer (shier?) and quieter in new social surroundings, it's perfectly normal, especially if there's even only a slight language barrier invovled.

[Elli]

Thanks for your replies!

Yeah I hope it will get better when I meet them more often. There has been a lot improvement with his family so I guess I have to wait and be patient.

It's just hard because i don't really have many opportunities to meet
His friends. I'm there every second month and ao far I've always met a different group of people so getting used to them is quite impossible.

But I will keep trying because I want to be friends with his friends!

[lydiaruth]

Our Cultural difference drives me crazy!

We both live in the US but he is Mexican-American and our cultural differences drive me CRAZY. I live 2 hrs from him and 4 hrs from my parents. His parents are about 15 min away from him and are ALWAYS calling him and asking favors. He's the middle child but I feel like ALL the family's responsibility falls on him. When I say something about it he says it's just a culture thing. I wouldn't care if it didn't almost always cut into our weekends together. His 2 younger sisters are both over 21 but he still treats them like babies. I feel so angry and hurt when he bails on our weekend because he "has to help his parents buy plane tickets" or when I feel ignored because he's running around trying to do everyone's bidding. I want to move to his city this summer but at the same time I don't want to deal with that and I want to live closer to my family. Either way I have a big decision to make next month! O.O

[Purplette]

Sometimes when I cannot understand his pronounciation i asked him to spell it out. Which I find it so cute. With regard to cultural differences, I guess you both need to embrace this thing! Sometimes it is too hard to deal but eventually you will get used to it! ☺️

[xanzbarr]

My SO and I grew up in the same part of the USA and other than moving to different parts of the US I have not really experienced cultural or language difficulties but I wanted to express how much I have enjoyed this thread! It has been very interesting and eye opening for me!

[Welp]

Not really a language barrier, but one thing that we come across often is that I don't understand an English (slang) saying/word which is used in his area. So he sometimes has to explain these to me or then I google.

this. it's not really a language barrier because I speak english well enough, but sometimes I don't understand what he means or I say things wrong and that makes me feel so stupid!

[C.C.]

Thread revival!! I loved the first part of this thread so much when I read it while I was still lurking My SO had a bit of fun while I told him the things I read here as well.
Well we have yet to meet and there's quite some time till that happens, so all this is based on what I have heard from him(and internet) or have seen from his actions.

Well, heavy drinking, we are lucky in that regard, since both of us come from heavy drinker countries, and YET neither of us are into it very much :3 I mean, we both love drinking but not getting drunk, maybe exactly because we see it too much. (though, as mine is more or less sexist country, women rarely drink much here, guys though.. )
Also, saunas. I have pretty much accepted how important it is to them and I find it very natural whenever he goes there. BUT I have no idea how much time it will take for me not to find it really weird to be nude with other people, or even just with my SO, in a sweaty room, for an hour or so. It just seems so so strange to me.

I hear that if you greet a Finn on the streets, you'll terrify them My country is not overly friendly either, we are rather ordinary in that regard, I think? Like we don't smile to strangers or greet them, but it's not taken too rude if you do so either. Sometimes if you are in public transport, and something happens to catch people's attention, someone relatively old might just start talking to you about it. Though, it's rare, but it's not out of ordinary either. While I have yet to see how is it like in Finland exactly, I still think that, that kind of attitude must be quite peaceful, at least for a while, because you end up having so much more personal space.

I remember, when we were at this mutual interest and getting to know each other stage, I tried to talk about all the random stuff that came to my mind and do small talks with him, and when I pointed out that I didn't think he responded the same way, he said that he didn't do small talks, and I was like: "what?". I guess it wasn't the best idea, right? But I was really fascinated when he told me it was a cultural thing, and that Finns don't talk unless there is something to talk about. I mean it feels so awkward to me over here, when you don't feel like talking or can't find topics but you still have to come up with something cause it's rude not to. And we felt completely comfortable with each other's silences when it happened both in video and voice conversations. I feared I'd talk too much there too, but we are 100% comfortable in chats as well at this point :3

Their winter nights weird me out. Especially knowing that it affects their or at least his mood. Either way, it might be just him, but I love Finnish depression, even if it sounds a bit strange. But I think there's just right amount of negativity in him for me :3 And for some reason, relatively depressed and melancholic people attract me.
As for pessimism, I am relatively pessimistic person myself, though I know it's not the best thing, but I don't think he goes to extreme point there, so it's alright, I guess.

I have already fallen in love with Finland and I would want to visit it even if my SO wasn't in my life at this point.
Anyway, I don't think any of those cultural differences are getting or will get in our way.
My own country, Georgia's quite traditional, but my views aren't so much, so we don't really clash there either. I just worry about how my family might take this, but that's quite a future thing as well.


And language, eh, he's really really good at English. Whereas, I tend to put some stuff in weird wordings at times or just make silly mistakes. It doesn't get in the way of our communication though, if something is a bit misunderstood, we just explain. And besides, he tells me that my level is improving all the time when I worry about it, and that it is good already of course.
I wish I could learn Finnish, I am fascinated by that language, but I don't really have time for that now, though I will definitely learn basic phrases before going there. He likes my language as well, but he can't really learn it just like that either, both languages are pretty hard. But I don't really want to use anything except English to communicate with him, which is something we both agree about.

[Campanilla]

The language barrier, yes. My guy is from the South of Spain, I'm from the Dutch speaking part of Belgium. I've lived in Spain and studied English/Spanish translation, so my Spanish is pretty good. But his andalusian accent throws me off every time. I've often joked that 50% of our conversations are the actual conversation and the other 50% is him trying to explain what he just said to me.

As far as cultural differences, we haven't had any problems at all. None of my friends or housemates speak Spanish and he speaks only Spanish so we always just hang out the 2 of us and we talk about cultural differences but we don't feel them yet so far. Maybe it'll be more obvious down the line. But I've lived in Spain and understand the culture as well. We just argue about food a lot.

Sometimes I feel we don't really feel cultural differences because he doesn't really integrate within my culture because he works with hispanics only and doesn't speak Dutch and I haven't visited him in Spain yet. So it's almost like we just live in our own little culture we've created between the two of us when we're together. We seem to move in a little bubble. A Spanish speaking bubble in Belgium. Like a little microclimate.

[staruletto]

I think the cultural differences are the most interesting thing about my relationship. I mean, Norwegian and American cultures aren't all that shockingly different (I might be wrong, it might be completely different when I actually get to go there) but there certainly is enough for us to talk about. Most people seem to know a lot about US culture. Sometimes I surprise him with new info though! I'm from Michigan and I'm trying to convince him to visit here in the fall but he's dead set on coming here in the summer and I don't know why. I think it's the warmer weather but it's still warmer here in the the fall than there!

As far as language barriers go there isn't much of one, but he seems to think his english sucks (It doesn't). Sometimes he messes up words but I can usually figure out what he's saying. I, on the other hand am terrible at learning languages. I lack discipline!

[MissingMyDutchLove]

I think the cultural differences are the most interesting thing about my relationship. I mean, Norwegian and American cultures aren't all that shockingly different (I might be wrong, it might be completely different when I actually get to go there) but there certainly is enough for us to talk about. Most people seem to know a lot about US culture. Sometimes I surprise him with new info though! I'm from Michigan and I'm trying to convince him to visit here in the fall but he's dead set on coming here in the summer and I don't know why. I think it's the warmer weather but it's still warmer here in the the fall than there!

As far as language barriers go there isn't much of one, but he seems to think his english sucks (It doesn't). Sometimes he messes up words but I can usually figure out what he's saying. I, on the other hand am terrible at learning languages. I lack discipline!

It's interesting that you say that. I never thought that the U.S. was that different than the Netherlands until I went there. It's not anything that huge, but boy, you sure feel stupid when you don't bring a bag with you to the grocery store or you ride a bike really slow. I felt way more uncomfortable abroad than my SO did here. Apparently the culture shock is a lot stronger for Americans going abroad than for others coming here. Probably because there is so much American influence in tv, movies, and books abroad?

[cetodd95]

When we first met he spoke beautiful english. I was blown away by his understanding of my native language. But I found it kind of distressing when he was talking with his friends and family while we were skyping, and I had no idea what they were saying. So I started learning on my own, secretly. Once I had some basic words down, I would sprinkle them into our conversations. It made him so excited. So I told him I was trying and really wanted to learn. So now when we talk we read articles or poems in his language, and he teaches me what the words mean and how to speak it. In turn I correct his grammar and teach him new, more complex words. I would highly recommend it. It's not only something fun to do together, but it strengthens your bond, shows him/her your commitment and devotion to him/her, and makes you feel proud and confident with each step you take in the learning process.

[Adrie85]

I have to keep my English simple with my SO as well, he speaks Arabic and pretty good English but he has a hard time understanding me sometimes when I get excited and talk fast