Is this the end of my LDR? Please anyone..help..

[seras]

We knew each other for 2 years already in a game. We have been together officially as a couple 8 months ago.

She knew I was was watching pornography before we met, and I promised her to stop when we started being a couple.

But I couldn't stop so easily it turned out, and I lied to her multiple times that I have actually stopped, but I guess there was alot of guilt in my face.

And also she wanted to know every single detail of my 1 previous relationship where a girl forced herself on me. And I didn't stop her because of my stupid man pride. She wanted to know every single detail about that relationship, what the girl did, what I did. And it was..5-6 years ago and I couldn't remember all the events at once. But I lied to her about the girl has never given me a blow job.

I confessed everything when she wanted to break up after 8 months. And was really really sorry, kept reading to fix myself and went to SLAA, and I am clean now. Even chemically castrated myself temporarily to give her a peace of mind voluntarily. Read tons of books on addictions and healing to help.

She was devastated, grieving really badly, extremely hurt, she suspected everything all along, she said that everything is a lie and that the person she needs is only in her imagination.

She is pulling away very quickly now, I lost the ability to contact her by skype, she still keeps me on facebook and I can see her reading as I type but she never replies. And I email her about my recovery and progress everyday.

We are an extremely matched couple, we have similarities in almost everything, I bought couple rings for us too that cost a few thousands(she said the throw it away because its a broken promise..). I have a BSC in Accounting and Law and she wants to be a doctor, and so I decided that we will go to medical school together. And we took the exams too and scored well.

She has trust issues..I should not have lied, but this is my first true love and relationship. I was scared out of my mind.

Please...it has been 31 days. she stopped replying to everything 6 days ago. she refused to open up her feelings, pain or anger to me, says that she needs me, but the me only exists in her imagination. She went to see a psychologist the last time we had contact.

If there is anyone out there who can help. Please help. She is the love of my life, my only desire, I don't need a future I just need her.

We have never met and we did everything online together. I sent her many gifts too. On skype all the time, spoken non-stop for days at a time. We spend our entire days together for nearly 2 years.

We were going to be together all the time, which was fine, because we shared tons of passions and interest. We could do everything together, even in the hospital, in operations. I was going to support her my entire life. Because I love her

She has not replied me in the last 6 days. But she reads everything. But she blocked me from steam, and another game. I currently have facebook and email.

I am scared, terrified, in pain and extremely sad. Please..if anyone can help please help

*************************************************
Additional information...

The admissions are this month.

There are another round of admissions for other medical schools on October. But when I mentioned this before our last contact, she got really angry that I should apologies for wasting 8 months of her time and while crying I was explaining to her that it meant that I want to keep trying no matter what. She has no plans now. Not that I know of.

We saw apartments way before, not even sure which school or city we would be going to, but it made her happy.

[seras]

Bump...sorry...it feels like today might be the last time I am able to reach her..I am desperate

[seras]

Please...71 views and no advice at all..she is awake already....somebody please..

[blankita719]

Honestly, I'm not sure what advice anyone can give you. If she feels that you have betrayed her trust, then you may have to accept that as her final choice. I think you've done what you can by trying to reach out, but it's probably time to take a step back and give her the space she needs to decide if she wants to try and trust you again.

[seras]

Anything I can say..beg..propose..I don't know anymore.. I hate myself so much. I am asking her to give us some peace now but she just ignores me.

Sigh we are still friends on facebook so I see her reading my messages but she just ignores them. And also on google chat, she reads my emails.. I hope.

But she just ignores everything..driving me insane.

[Petals]

Hi,

I understand that you feel like your world is crumbling and you are desperate to make things right, but desperation is not attractive. The more you pursue and try to convince her, the more she is likely to shut down. You have apologized and express your feelings to her numerous times so now it is time to take a step back. Give her space to think, then let her reach out to you when she is ready.

Write her a email or whatever expressing your regret as well as your hopes for the future. Tell her you are hoping she will forgive you, but you will give her space to think. Tell her you will be there when she is ready to talk. Thereafter, do not contact her for at least one week. If she doesn't respond in a week, send only a short message like..."I really miss you and everything we shared on a daily basis" NO long messages...no more than one message, once per week.

It is hard, but occupy your time with something else. Right now your desperation does not make you attractive.

[snow]

No wonder she has trust issues! You lied to her on multiple occasions. I get completely how she feels the man she loves is only in her mind, because everything she asked you to be honest about, you lied to her about. I seriously don't know if there is a way to salvage this relationship, it might be broken beyond repair.
I understand not saying everything early in a relationship, but if you lie about things it will come out sooner or later.

Now the damage is done and you have to find out what way is the best to make it up to her. You said you knew her 2 years before you started to date, so you probably know which way is the best to address her - maybe you need to write her a letter, maybe you need to call her, maybe you need to write her an honest email. I think you should tell her what you told us here. I don't know, really, she seems pretty hurt and rightfully so.

[Unconditional]

[QUOTE=seras;355423]
If there is anyone out there who can help. Please help. She is the love of my life, my only desire, I don't need a future I just need her.






Did you say that ^^ to her yet?

[seras]

Yes, I told her that alot......she told me something disturbing...I think she read a scientific journal.., the reason she thinks that our entire relationship was an illusion..was because pornography addiction affects a person's personality and thus what ever he does is driven because of that..So basically because I watched pornography, I have never been in control of my actions.. And she only realized this when she found out I had a pornography addiction.. sigh...my perfect relationship..I always knew she was extreme..but this? I will research this..

I didn't even want to hold her hand as friends..and we were friends for so long. I never once said anything offensive or sexual. We were laughing and joking about games all the time..

I don't know what to do now..should I go to medical school, or just get my CFA, CPA on top of my BSC..I am so lost...just keep crying

I never thought I had an addiction, I never had the impulse to use it outside or anything, At the most once a day before I sleep. Goddammit. Its impossible to convince her of anything now.. I was irritated once in korea, the network was so bad, I was trying to show her clothes to get for her and the call kept cutting off every few seconds, and when she picked up and told me she liked me I said no not that, quickly look at the clothes..That was screwed up of my to do, and I know it shows I did not appreciate her, I was extremely irritated then and it was no excuse. Think she took that as abuse..

[Moon]

Listen, there really isn't anything anyone here can tell you to do. Other than Ally's advice about desperation not being attractive, I'm not sure what else you want, we can't miraculously make her contact you. While I find it personally ridiculous that a 28 year old man can't masturbate, and has to justify past relationships, you've tried going along with somewhat impossible demands that you agreed to and got caught, you knew she had trust issues, and you betrayed her trust.

The only thing you can do is wait, stop constantly trying to contact her, and see what happens. Also, and I apologize because I'm about to be offensive, stop being such a pussy. Man up a bit and don't be so desperate and clingy, women don't like that. If you are speaking the same way to her, as you are to us, you need to stop and give her some space to sort it out.

[silvermoonfairy3]

Yeah, I'm with Moon on this one.

Lying is never okay, and I do not support you having lied to her, in any way.

But, also, a 28 year old man that can't look at porn or masturbate? That is forced to relieve every detail of a previous relationship? Yikes. Frankly, I think you should have had discussions with her about that sort of thing before agreeing and then breaking your agreement, but that's neither here nor there.

Betraying someone's trust is a huge deal, and for some people it's something that can't be fixed. It sounds like that might be true for her, and there's probably nothing you can really do about that. As others have said clinginess and getting in touch a lot is also not going to work. It's just going to push her farther away. If I were you, I would stop contacting her, let her think things over, think things over yourself, etc. See if she comes to you, and if she doesn't, unfortunately start moving on.

Good luck.

[seras]

There is no choice on my part honestly...she just said its impossible. All I can do now is to move on. I am just so lost and broken. I committed myself entirely, bought couple diamond rings that cost 3+k, bought bags shoes, make up. I enjoyed myself so much. kept sending her care packages..And now because of a study she says our relationship is an illusion because I was driven by porn use..

Sigh..I would have loved her even with that addiction and her current smoking one. We could have done everything together. Wonder why she can't love or accept who I am, a person who stopped using porn for over a month since the breakup and I am going to quit for good because of the trauma.

Part of me wants to continue medical school and search for her, I don't know where she stays, she kept it a secret, but I more or less know where her mother works approximately.

Or I can become a nurse and go to israel in a shorter time..either way I am sacrificing my future, gambling to find her.

[merlinkitty]

And now because of a study she says our relationship is an illusion because I was driven by porn use..

Sigh..I would have loved her even with that addiction and her current smoking one. We could have done everything together. Wonder why she can't love or accept who I am, a person who stopped using porn for over a month since the breakup and I am going to quit for good because of the trauma.

Part of me wants to continue medical school and search for her, I don't know where she stays, she kept it a secret, but I more or less know where her mother works approximately.

Or I can become a nurse and go to israel in a shorter time..either way I am sacrificing my future, gambling to find her.

Can I be frank with you? You are desperate to be with a woman who shames you about porn, shames you about masturbation, shames you for being who you are, and you still want her? You're willing to accept her with her flaws but she can't accept yours? How is this okay to you? Do you enjoy feeling like crap about yourself? Because she's just reinforcing this in you. She's not adding anything positive to your life.

I've been in really crappy relationships and honestly? I sounded a lot like you at the time. Afraid of losing the one person who made me feel like such trash about myself that I couldn't imagine my life without him. That I would sacrifice my own worth to be treated like a pile of dog crap.

I am meaning no insult to you, but you should seriously think about talking to a professional about this. She is no longer responding to you, hiding her whereabouts from you, you're trying to reach her through her mother who I am sure would NEVER appreciate that, and you're falling apart at the seams over someone who treats you like crap. There is nothing healthy about this situation at all.

[seras]

Hahaha I know how it sounds...and I do have a psychologist, whom I am trying to get to understand her so I might communicate with her better, and when I told the psychologist that she wished I was bleeding in pain because I hurt her, and told him that I understand because she is hurt. I could see his face twitch..

And regarding my flaws..I have always been a positive person, believing I can be better, why not remove my flaws for her.

And I scored 70-85+% after casually studying for the science exams for medical school since I am from a pure business background..I was hoping to impress her mother by dedicating myself to nursing. I don't think she will be there after 6 years in medical school.. I believe I can try to use my degree to try to cut short the nursing degree to 2 years.

I treasure her because it feels like I can do anything with her, we can only play games and watch shows together now, but she wants to explore the world with me, and I got her to consider doctor's without borders or the UN to help people after we become doctors, she was not that excited about it, but I managed to convince her it would be fun. So I cook, try out recipes, look at clothes and make up, I loved all the time we spent together everyday.

I stopped working for my parents and took a really low end job so that we could spend even more time together as we prep for medical school.

Basically she is a person I can have fun my whole life with. So what if its going to be hard?

But screw me..I screwed things up so badly.. We were being less intimate as our relationship progressed, I see now that she went to associate porn to it. But I was immensely stressed, because I was hiding so much terrified she would leave me if she found out, my clinic doctor said my girlfriend is giving me alot of stress even hahahahaha, and I didn't even say anything.

I was stressed because she kept wanting to break up because she is very principled, and I kept breaking her principles because I couldn't change fast enough. But at least she won't cheat on me every like that right? That was what I like about her. I love the person inside her, no matter how she changes.

Sigh...I don't know what am I going to do now..I don't want to become a stupid accountant, or be in finance or law or IT or business( haha...I told my parents that I wanted to study every business specialty before her) anymore compared to all the fun we could have together.. Playing in medical school, playing the hospital, exploring the world. I really don't know how to move...makes me keep crying.

I told her about stress and that after researching and reading through most of the literature on personality disorder associating with porn use....I believe she took what would support her and ignored the rest..But she is very angry now..and she is so stubborn and decisive..

Who knows..I will keep updating here, I loved the idea of a cake in a jar, I really want to make it for her if she accepts me, and I recently found another LDR idea of a balloon card and ordered it already! Hopefully this is another successful LDR relationship for the record..I really doubt it..

And no I am not gay and I have really high testosterone levels..795 nmol so basically nearly 20+ years old.

That was why I chose to chemically castrate myself after she stopped replying, so she might have a peace of mind and for myself to focus on studying how to better the relationship though communication books while in complete abstinence ..But it might be she was angry about something else... I hate myself..so many wrong choices all because I didn't take the effort to learn about addiction. That I thought it was just my insufficient willpower.

[merlinkitty]

I stopped working for my parents and took a really low end job so that we could spend even more time together as we prep for medical school.

Basically she is a person I can have fun my whole life with. So what if its going to be hard?

But screw me..I screwed things up so badly.. We were being less intimate as our relationship progressed, I see now that she went to associate porn to it. But I was immensely stressed, because I was hiding so much terrified she would leave me if she found out, my clinic doctor said my girlfriend is giving me alot of stress even hahahahaha, and I didn't even say anything.

You're changing your career because of her to something you don't want to do. Someone who cares about you should add to you, not subtract.

Personal opinion? There is nothing wrong with porn. I guess, unless it's all you do. Anything in excess isn't great, but moderation isn't a bad thing.

Everything you mention about her shows more and more how much you are sacrificing yourself for someone who continually puts you down. You say she's principled? I say she's abusive for expecting you to change to suit her.

Don't worry about doing anything for her. She's not doing anything for you. And even when she was, it just seems she was tearing you down into pieces. That's not what a healthy relationship should feel like. Having been in a relationship like this, I can tell you from experience, the only way this gets better is to get away from it. Leave it behind you.

I know this isn't what you want to hear, but you came here for advice. My advice would be to continue seeing your psychologist, continue pursuing your medical degree, and change your focus to impressing her and her mother (who aren't speaking to you, btw), and try to impress yourself with what you can do to make yourself happy. This stuff with her isn't making you happy or you wouldn't be here talking to us about it.