Anyone whose SO is taken?

[farandaway]

I don't know if this is out of order here but it's my situation and I'd like to know if anyone else is in the same boat. I am not writing this for judgement and I will not reply to comments that judge. If this subject is not approriate here, moderator pls feel free to delete the thread.

I will not defend my situation, I'm just saying that it's not always black and white. It really makes the situation very hard, first with the distance and then the secrecy. In our case we were both married when we met online, as friends. I felt my marriage had come to an end and finally after meeting him in a similar situation I had the courage to let go of my marriage. We had tried to fix it, been to counseling but there was too much broken already.

Right now, he is looking to leave his relationship and it's really hard on him but also on me. He has been severy betrayed in his marriage but he has given everything by being the stay home dad to his stepson and now he has nothing. He has to build up a career before he can leave to have a roof over his head. He cannot promise any timeframe for me and so far it's all been slower than we've wanted. It's very hard to start a new business from scratch and he is trying to stay positive and look for clients since that is the only way that will take him from there to here.

I just feel that I'm so stuck waiting but I know that he would be here if he could. To keep everything smooth at his end, he cannot see me unless he has an alibi. Noone knows about me but my family and kids know him through skype. This is far from ideal and I have tried to stay positive but it's really frustrating and stressful of not knowing of the future. We have met twice during the 2+ years we've known. Now it's been a year soon and next date is unknown. He has promised me Christmas though. He will be free by then.

[Zephii]

I have nothing useful for you, sadly. Part of me worries, because I have seen all too often cases where married men play with the hearts of people like you when they never truly have an intention of leaving their spouse. There isn't a way to know for sure if she's the horrible person he paints her as, and part of me feels sorry for her.

On the other hand, well, I was in a relationship when I got together with my now husband and I cheated for years. In excess of three years, to be honest. It doesn't matter that I never met my husband in person in that time nor that my ex knew I was having some kind of relationship outside of ours, what I was doing was wrong. I don't regret it. I wish I'd been a better person and gotten my shit together sooner, but I wouldn't be where I am today if I'd never been a cheat. So yeah, not my place to judge you that's for sure.

But yes, not everything is black and white.
Christmas is not too far away

[TaraMarie]

I think by the time people start to think about a divorce, the relationship is long over. Both myself and my SO were in severely dysfunctional marriages. He and his wife (who is fabulous and I really like her), were sleeping in seperate rooms for over a year. They were roommates, essentially. My marriage had been over for a long time, but it was easier to stay for the kids and the finances. I was working 80 hour weeks....and doing everything I could to never be home.

Here we are, 2 years later.....both in the process of finishing our divorces, and planning our happily ever after. He actually is in the air right now.....heading home from a great weekend with me and my kids. I understand about him finding a job. Just as my SO was seriously searching for a job near me in Atlanta, he landed his DREAM job...in NEW YORK! Ugh!

Good luck to you. And nobody should judge anyone. It's easy to be an armchair quarterback.

[AussieAmericanGirl66]

No judging here. I'm in the same boat. I think many times an unhappy spouse will stay as long as possible for the sake of the kids, while the marriage slowly dies a painful death, or is already dead. Why should 2 people be miserable, living a lie, for the sake of children, who might be better off if parents split and find happiness with someone else. Is it really better for the children, if two people who don't want to be there, who argue and fight all the time, and might even be abusive, hang around "for the sake of the children"?

In our case, for the first 3 years of our online affair, any time I tried to ask him if we had any kind of a future, he would get mad at me and tell me he would never leave, and we would never meet. Sometimes he tried to put it all on me, and ask why I chased him, knowing he was married. He was afraid of leaving, and losing everything. And he has tried to keep us a secret, to protect his family. He always said he had more to lose than I did, since I am single and all my children are adults with their own families. Yet, he has never been able to let me go, either.

Now he's changing his attitudes, and talking to me about coming to the US for a holiday with me. Though things are still up in the air, and no definite time or date is in sight, at least we are talking about it. And that gives me hope. And you are right, things aren't always black and white. And having to keep it secret, on top of the distance, makes it even harder.

[Ahava]

From my experience it is people who have not lived and experienced lifes not so black and white painful situations that judge.
I cheated on my exhusband, but the marriage had been dead for years. I had been thinking about divorce for YEARS, but was scared to leave.
The fact that I fell hard for this guy (who was also taken) and (I know it sounds so cliché) something happened after a christmas party.
We didn't go all the way, but it made me a mess for months. I lost 10-15 kilos and also was unable to sleep. It gave me the courage to get up and leave.
About half a year later I met my now SO online. (Did a lot of CD dating during that 6 months mainly just to boost up my self confidence).

Yeah, so I won't be the one to throw any stones at you (or anyone).
I know it isn't an ideal situation and that no one intentionally gets them into one.

Stay strong and good luck.

[AussieAmericanGirl66]

I think by the time people start to think about a divorce, the relationship is long over. Both myself and my SO were in severely dysfunctional marriages. He and his wife (who is fabulous and I really like her), were sleeping in seperate rooms for over a year. They were roommates, essentially. My marriage had been over for a long time, but it was easier to stay for the kids and the finances. I was working 80 hour weeks....and doing everything I could to never be home.

I have a feeling that this is happening to my SO. When we met online, he was already having problems with his marriage, he and his wife were drifting apart, she was working 3-4 nights a week, he was working long hours days, and then coming home to tend to the house and yard work, and help the kids with homework, etc., and he was asleep before she got home from work. He told me several months after we met that he wasn't getting the attention or love he needed. He has often felt torn between wanting to be with me, and feeling like he needed to be loyal to his family. And there have been times both of us have felt guilty. I don't anymore.

Now, he works 72 hours a week (12 hours a day, 6 days a week), goes out with his friends occasionally to movies, the pub, and Aussie Rules Football (actually it's more like soccer). He seems to stay away from home as much as he can, but still tries to be there for his kids.

[80anthea]

I got together with my current SO whilst I was technically still married to my ex-husband but we were no longer living together and were definitely not at all together in any form other than a legally binding piece of paper.

However I will say that even cheating in a 'dead' marriage causes pain. My ex-husband cheated on me when we were still living together and in hindsight it was dead but it still felt like an utter betrayal to me. All I would say is those of you are in relationships with people who are still married and the couple are still living together, be really sure both part of the couple knows it is 'dead'.

[differentcountries]

Saying "the relationship" is dead" is sometimes a way of convinsing oneself that "I am really a monogamous, responsible person" when the reality is much more complex. We are not always neither monogamous nor responsible - and that is ok. We should tell ourselves that much more often, and things would be simpler from it.

[Dziubka]

Saying "the relationship" is dead" is sometimes a way of convinsing oneself that "I am really a monogamous, responsible person" when the reality is much more complex. We are not always neither monogamous nor responsible - and that is ok. We should tell ourselves that much more often, and things would be simpler from it.

Um... no?
If my SO told me or himself that he wasn't monoganous or responsible, it definitely wouldn't make things easier?

[differentcountries]

Um... no?
If my SO told me or himself that he wasn't monoganous or responsible, it definitely wouldn't make things easier?

Well, if you are responsible, that is great. I was responding to OP, which describes a scenario where her SO seems to be cheating and building up the courage (and money) to leave, and they both struggled to end their respective marriages. Things are as they are. We are not always so grand. And that is ok, as long as we try to learn something from it.

[CynicalQuixotic]

then I don't think you should do it. I was telling this to OP, which seems to blame herself for the fact that her SO is married.

Fact of life is, a lot of people are not totally monogamously inclined, and we as a humand kind also don't always know what we are doing or why. Taking things as they are often makes you better at decing how to cope with them because then you are not doing things despite yourselv. I think often it is the thought that we are so rational that makes us behave irrationally. Because that is how the human mind sometimes work.

The thing is, monogamy is an agreement. It's a social contract between two people. If a person violates that contract by being with someone else, or expresses a desire to be, then there are obviously going to be feelings of betrayal involved within a mutually agreed-upon exclusive relationship. I know you really believe that the world would be a better place if we all shed the shackles of monogamy and embraced free love for all, but the majority of the people on this board are people who sacrifice a good deal of personal happiness to maintain a monogamous relationship. Presenting polygamy as a panacea for all relationship ills gets old, especially because it has to take a certain kind of personality to subvert hundreds of thousands of years of social conditioning towards monogamy, and people to whom that applies tend to get involved in polygamous circles of their own accord.

[80anthea]

Saying "the relationship" is dead" is sometimes a way of convinsing oneself that "I am really a monogamous, responsible person" when the reality is much more complex. We are not always neither monogamous nor responsible - and that is ok. We should tell ourselves that much more often, and things would be simpler from it.

Not really, if my ex had have just been straight with me and told me he wanted to leave me for someone else that he loved I'd have told him to go, full stop. It was the fact he was doing it behind my back that really hurt, we weren't sleeping together or anything by that point so our relationship was dead but it still hurt that he couldn't be honest with me. I don't believe in staying together for kids either, that is a false situation and kids pick up on more than you think. I know my little one is MUCH happier with two happy parents than being in a house with constant tension and as it turned out one person sneaking around.

[Dziubka]

Well, if you are responsible, that is great. I was responding to OP, which describes a scenario where her SO seems to be cheating and building up the courage (and money) to leave, and they both struggled to end their respective marriages. Things are as they are. We are not always so grand. And that is ok, as long as we try to learn something from it.

But cheating and getting together the courage and money to leave your partner doesn't un-make you monogamous. It means that you're not happy in your current relationship. You can very well still be monogamous and just not want to be with that particular person anymore.
I don't judge people who cheat (hell, I was in a relationship when I met my SO). There are always circumstances and situations and sometimes looking after yourself and your own happiness will hurt other people and we've got to live with that. But I don't think that cheating necessarily means you're not monogamous.

I do believe that "the relationship is dead" is sort of an apology (I've used that one before). Who knows how dead it would be if no one better had come along? But that's also not the point. The situation doesn't magically get easier because you tell yourself that it's ok that you're not monogamous or responsible (and imho being irresponsible is never ok).

[Ahava]

I do believe that "the relationship is dead" is sort of an apology (I've used that one before). Who knows how dead it would be if no one better had come along? But that's also not the point. The situation doesn't magically get easier because you tell yourself that it's ok that you're not monogamous or responsible (and imho being irresponsible is never ok).

In my case "the relationship was dead" almost to begin with. I won't get into the why on earth I got myself in such a disfunctional relationship to begin with. Let's just say it wasn't based on love, friendship, common interests etc. I was with him for 9,5 (?) years I think. I didn't even look at any other guy until the last months of the relationship. It just felt like been in a prison with no way out. I remember sometimes wishing he would cheat on me so there would be a valid reason to end things.

[OperaDiva]

Out of respect for OP's request for no judgement I will not voice my opinion on the topic of overlapping relationships, but I do have questions for her.

OP, what exactly are you looking for when asking this question? Do you feel you need a justification for your relationship (i.e., "dead" relationships are normal, etc.)? Or do you want to commiserate / exchange information with other people in overlapping relationships (I am not attached to this label so I am not insisting on it)? Do you have a specific problem related to your SOs marriage you want to discuss here? You probably understand that is hard to stay neutral in a topic that is so ethically charged.