Lost and confused

[p_b82]

My problem is I'm too kind hearted, this has been pointed out to me time and time again. I try to give people the benefit of the doubt so when it comes to someone I care for a great deal I go even further. I understand what you're saying and part of me agrees with you, this is essentially being between a rock and a hard place, either deal with it or try to fix it and end up making it worse. As I mentioned in my previous message just now, she did appear and talk with me for a couple of hours earlier today and things seemed a lot better. I suppose this is just going to be one of those "take it one day at a time" things and see what happens.

She has mentioned joining the IDF (Israeli defense force) before, twice in fact. Whilst I respect her decisions for wanting to do something like that I did put my foot down and asked how she would feel if I said I was going to join the army all of a sudden, she didn't know what to say to that and it made her think on it. I expressed that after two weeks with her in and out of hospital I almost went crazy, I couldn't imagine her doing a four year tour of duty over there without me ending up in an asylum.

In that respect you sound quite similar to me - although I am a bit 'bull in a china shop' when it comes to acting on a decision I have made, I can procrastinate on making that decision for months, but when done, that is it lol....

You are right, take one day at a time, I would echo the other advice given, and withdraw yourself slightly from the situation though - maybe not as far as zero contact, but reduce the response time from yourself; stop 'waiting' for her to respond, or only ping her when you know she will be around etc.

TBH her wanting to join the IDF would be a bit of a worry, her mental state does not sound like it is all that 'good' and she might not even pass the profiling; that and also why pick that armed force rather than one closer to home?

I personally think there is a very fine line with telling some-one not to do something for themselves in the name of the relationship. for me, if some-one feels strongly enough to want to do something, and it is not something I could live with, then I should not stop them, but should get out of the relationship. I know that is not what you did, but as I said I find it is a fine line between discussion and persuasion on a topic like that, and there can be times when some-one feels resentment for being given another persepctive that made them not take a choice they would have done otherwise, and then actually feel like they still should have made that choice. Happened with my previous ex that one, which is why I say I feel it is a delicate position.

Either way, good luck; I hope today was more positive trend and things will continue in that vein, but if not, do not hold on to something that is lost because you want it to be otherwise still - Sometimes knowing when to quit is the hardest thing to do, even when it is the right thing to do!

[RyanB88]

I'm going to be honest about the PTSD and her past, as it's something I deal with with my SO on a daily basis...do NOT use that as an excuse for her to treat you like crap, and do not let her use that as an excuse either. Yes, there are circumstances where the PTSD can show it's ugly head, but she still knows right from wrong and she still knows when she's treating someone like crap. My SO always knows, as do others that I've talked to with PTSD/read stories about. I make it an effort to call out my SO when he's starting to be an ass to me.

But, above all else, she needs to get help and she needs to stop drinking so much. It's really hard for people to admit that they even have a problem. It took my SO 2 years to finally admit to me that his PTSD was becoming a problem in his life, as well as in our relationship. He still hasn't gotten help, but for someone to admit something like that is huge. He knew he had PTSD, as I did, but deep down he didn't want to admit that he was not in control of it.

Has she told you that she may have PTSD (though it's completely obvious)? If she doesn't think she has a problem, she will seek help no matter what you do. In fact, if you push her too hard, she'll resent you.

Also, do yourself, and her, a favor and research, research, research.

She admits to having a problem but she hasn't put a label on it yet. She has told me on a number of occasions that her mind isn't a nice place to be in, and if possible to try and not take things personally. I've not pointed out the PTSD yet, though I believe her friend mentioned it to her before so she is at least aware of the possibility of having it. I must confess to exaggerating her "drinking problem" as it's not really a problem, she rarely drinks and it's only sometimes that she consumes a large quantity when she actually does drink. Though it still gives me worry despite that as I am afraid of where it could lead down the line if it keeps up.

[RyanB88]

In that respect you sound quite similar to me - although I am a bit 'bull in a china shop' when it comes to acting on a decision I have made, I can procrastinate on making that decision for months, but when done, that is it lol....

You are right, take one day at a time, I would echo the other advice given, and withdraw yourself slightly from the situation though - maybe not as far as zero contact, but reduce the response time from yourself; stop 'waiting' for her to respond, or only ping her when you know she will be around etc.

TBH her wanting to join the IDF would be a bit of a worry, her mental state does not sound like it is all that 'good' and she might not even pass the profiling; that and also why pick that armed force rather than one closer to home?

I personally think there is a very fine line with telling some-one not to do something for themselves in the name of the relationship. for me, if some-one feels strongly enough to want to do something, and it is not something I could live with, then I should not stop them, but should get out of the relationship. I know that is not what you did, but as I said I find it is a fine line between discussion and persuasion on a topic like that, and there can be times when some-one feels resentment for being given another persepctive that made them not take a choice they would have done otherwise, and then actually feel like they still should have made that choice. Happened with my previous ex that one, which is why I say I feel it is a delicate position.

Either way, good luck; I hope today was more positive trend and things will continue in that vein, but if not, do not hold on to something that is lost because you want it to be otherwise still - Sometimes knowing when to quit is the hardest thing to do, even when it is the right thing to do!

She picked the IDF because of what happened with her friend. He devoted a number of years to the US military, (and was a green beret for most of that time) only for the military to cancel his contract twice before his time was up, apparently the same thing happened with his squad members too. This of course meant they were no longer entitled to after service benefits.

Thank you for the luck, today has actually been an improvement. We spent some more time talking and even played video games together and just generally had a good time. Right now I am letting sleeping dogs lie as she is happy, which in turn makes me happy. However should things take a nose dive once more I will certainly start to be more assertive at putting my point across.

[Miasmata]

Thank you for the luck, today has actually been an improvement. We spent some more time talking and even played video games together and just generally had a good time. Right now I am letting sleeping dogs lie as she is happy, which in turn makes me happy. However should things take a nose dive once more I will certainly start to be more assertive at putting my point across.

I get why you think this way, but it's a trap you shouldn't fall into. When she's at her worst, she's likely not going to have the mental strength to consider your points or to seek professional help. I totally understand you don't want to shake things up when she's in a good mood, but please, don't wait for the last minute to assert yourself. Now is a much better time than most for her to listen to your points. Don't wait for her to be in that mental pit again; ideally, you'll discuss this to prevent her from even falling that deeply into it again.

[RyanB88]

I get why you think this way, but it's a trap you shouldn't fall into. When she's at her worst, she's likely not going to have the mental strength to consider your points or to seek professional help. I totally understand you don't want to shake things up when she's in a good mood, but please, don't wait for the last minute to assert yourself. Now is a much better time than most for her to listen to your points. Don't wait for her to be in that mental pit again; ideally, you'll discuss this to prevent her from even falling that deeply into it again.

I see your point. Though my mind is worried that me pushing her will drive her back into that state again, sure it may not happen but....ugh this is so hard, sometimes I wish that I didn't think about things too much and just did them instead. I hate being the bad guy regardless of the reason behind it.

[Miasmata]

I see your point. Though my mind is worried that me pushing her will drive her back into that state again, sure it may not happen but....ugh this is so hard, sometimes I wish that I didn't think about things too much and just did them instead. I hate being the bad guy regardless of the reason behind it.

That's one of the most exhausting parts of being in a relationship with someone who has untreated mental issues - You'll often feel like you gotta walk on eggshells. It's very tough to see that, but you are not doing her any favors by tiptoeing around the issue. You are not the cause of her mental problems. Never tell yourself you are! Being honest with her isn't fun, or easy, but please, always remember - You aren't the cause of her issues. Mental illness, just like physical illness, has its roots and causes, but in the vast majority of times, there is no singular cause. It's incredibly often a complicated mix of things, and untangling that mess requires a lot of selfreflection, insight and countermeasures, all of which don't just happen overnight. Often, it needs a third party to help, and the right therapist is an excellent third party. You can't shoulder all of this on your own, and you aren't helping your partner by focusing on the good times and trying to avoid the bad times. The bad times will keep happening without intervention, and especially over the distance, you can't be that intervention. My own SO struggles with depression, and before he finally saw a therapist, it got bad enough for him to be severely suicidal. He listened to me at some point, at least. The time up until then was gruelling, but I kept being honest and caring towards him, and at some point he got help. There is no guarantee that she'll listen to you, no, but as long as you stay supportive and kind, but also honest, your chances are good. Just don't wait until the last minute.

[RyanB88]

That's one of the most exhausting parts of being in a relationship with someone who has untreated mental issues - You'll often feel like you gotta walk on eggshells. It's very tough to see that, but you are not doing her any favors by tiptoeing around the issue. You are not the cause of her mental problems. Never tell yourself you are! Being honest with her isn't fun, or easy, but please, always remember - You aren't the cause of her issues. Mental illness, just like physical illness, has its roots and causes, but in the vast majority of times, there is no singular cause. It's incredibly often a complicated mix of things, and untangling that mess requires a lot of selfreflection, insight and countermeasures, all of which don't just happen overnight. Often, it needs a third party to help, and the right therapist is an excellent third party. You can't shoulder all of this on your own, and you aren't helping your partner by focusing on the good times and trying to avoid the bad times. The bad times will keep happening without intervention, and especially over the distance, you can't be that intervention. My own SO struggles with depression, and before he finally saw a therapist, it got bad enough for him to be severely suicidal. He listened to me at some point, at least. The time up until then was gruelling, but I kept being honest and caring towards him, and at some point he got help. There is no guarantee that she'll listen to you, no, but as long as you stay supportive and kind, but also honest, your chances are good. Just don't wait until the last minute.

I feel like I can open up a bit more now...a few weeks before the relationship she told me that I had saved her life. During the relationship with her ex things weren't going well, they were having troubles a lot and she had decided to end her life. Luckily I just happened to log in and speak to her (as normal) in time and remind her and I quote, "You reminded me that I have people that love me and that I care about" now of course I knew nothing of this at the time although she did seem extremely happy to see me then. This eventually lead to the two of us becoming more than best friends, and inevitably leading to where we are now. Perhaps now you can understand some of my reasoning behind my thoughts, although I do agree with what you are saying I just find that initial first step hard to make.

[p_b82]

I feel like I can open up a bit more now...a few weeks before the relationship she told me that I had saved her life. During the relationship with her ex things weren't going well, they were having troubles a lot and she had decided to end her life. Luckily I just happened to log in and speak to her (as normal) in time and remind her and I quote, "You reminded me that I have people that love me and that I care about" now of course I knew nothing of this at the time although she did seem extremely happy to see me then. This eventually lead to the two of us becoming more than best friends, and inevitably leading to where we are now. Perhaps now you can understand some of my reasoning behind my thoughts, although I do agree with what you are saying I just find that initial first step hard to make.

While I can understand your thinking, her actions should not be something that sits on your concious in that way - I felt feelings for some-one that saved my life under similar circumstances, and once she did that, she walked right out that door and I never heard from her again, although I tried to get in touch for years afterwards. It was honestly the right thing for her to do - anything else would have left me feeling an attachment to her that was skewed. If i ever saw her online again, or met her in real life I would give her one hell of a hug, as she did save my life - but sticking around afterwards and seeing how I picked up the pieces was not her responsibility. And nor is it yours in these circumstances.

In a kinda similar fashion I helped put my now ex back together, or so I thought, showed her there is kindness in the world, and that there are men out there that will treat her well and all the things she had not had in her life up until that point - she used me to get over the way her ex husband left her with nothing but debt, and 4 kids to feed...... and then she realised that while those things were really nice, they were not what she wanted in a relationship. the distance was too tough for her, my expectations were too high, and her behaviour was not acceptable to me, and she dumped me after I told her how unhappy I was with things when she stopped talking to me openly and honestly - the way it was when things were 'good'

Not saying this is the precise path you will take, but as I said originally, there are a huge number of similarities in this situation, that I feel you ought to be more aware of - unless she is prepared to get help for herself, I am sorry, but I do not see this ending well for you. If she gets the help, I think things would probably work out, but without it, I think you are going to be on the rough end of the deal in this relationship, and it is not going to be balanced. If you are happy, then fair enough, but you seem to me to the be the type that will not be the case longer term... so just be careful....

[RyanB88]

Status update. I've managed to sit down and talk with her about seeing a counselor, we also discussed that it could be PTSD and she seems open to the possibility of it. So I asked her to at least consider going to see a therapist for me and she promised that she will look at who is in her area and let me know. I've also told her that I will keep asking her about it in the future and being a pain in her behind about it, whilst emphasizing the fact that I'm doing this because I love her and want to help her. So things are finally in motion now and the first step has been taken, I'd like to thank you guys for helping me with this by giving me your opinions and letting me vent.

[Miasmata]

That's excellent! Very happy to hear it Yes, keep encouraging and pushing her a bit, but obviously don't get mean or negative about it. Especially for already depressed people, "tough love" doesn't really work. Keep helping her move forward, but also comfort and support her. It's a balance you gotta find, but keep communicating with her about it and you'll do well. Best of luck for you both!

[R&R]

Hello everybody, this is my first post here ... I 'm from Brazil and I would like to be able to make new friends
here and maybe get a boyfriend . Remember that my English is not very good . =)

One - don't hijack other peoples threads
Two - this isn't a dating site - it's for people already in relationships

[RyanB88]

Status update.

Things aren't going well for her. Her best friend of 25 years is being held in military prison due to something that may or may not have happened during his time as a green beret. This has left her feeling distraught, crying all the time and not feeling like talking at all. She's convinced she isn't going to see him again, ever. She calls me on Skype but for most of the conversation she barely speaks and when she does she is crying, its extremely hard to deal with and frankly its depressing me too. However I want to be there for her, support her and do whatever I can but I feel just useless being so far away. I don't know what to say other than that I'm there for her if she needs me, that I'm not going anywhere and that I love her and she isn't alone.

[Miasmata]

I don't know what to say other than that I'm there for her if she needs me, that I'm not going anywhere and that I love her and she isn't alone.

That might be all she needs right now - Someone who listens and supports her. It means more than you might think!

[RyanB88]

That might be all she needs right now - Someone who listens and supports her. It means more than you might think!

I know and people around me keep telling me the same. Things were actually improving before this major setback, she was getting ready to enroll in college and seemed a lot happier with herself and how things were. To sit and listen to the person you love the most cry and feel like they have nothing, to not be able to physically be there and to hold her tight whilst reassuring her...I wouldn't wish that on anyone, not even my worst enemy.