Asked her to be my girlfriend

[hmrambling]

Tomorrow night, she is conducting a concert at the school she teaches. It'll make for a long day, but I plan to drive to see the concert after work. It'll be the last concert of the school year. I'm eager to see her doing what she does for a living. I haven't told her that I'm going to the concert because I want to surprise her. When I talk to her in the evenings, she's mentioned preparation for the concert so I know that they've been getting ready for it. It's the last major thing at the end of the school year for her and the school band. So looking forward to seeing the band perform

[Mims27]

That's really sweet! I'm sure she'll just love that. Can't wait to hear about it!
I've always wanted to surprise my SO but haven't really been able to. We just communicate so often that if I went "missing" and stopped replying to her messages, while I'm in the US driving, she would probably get really worried. The only way I see myself being able to do that id if I would leave my place when she's getting up for work, which is at 3am. Hell that's early. lol

[hmrambling]

Wellllll....
We text good morning in the mornings, but we don't communicate throughout the day. We talk on the phone just before bed. So we really don't have a lot of communication throughout the day, and when we talk in the evening, each of us usually has plenty to share. She won't be missing communication with me throughout the day because we don't talk throughout the day. One day for lunch she sent a picture of her office via text, and I sent a pic in return. That's been about it.

I went to the florist next door to my office and picked up some flowers to bring her. I won't be bringing them into the concert. I'll give them to her after the concert. I'm hoping they're okay in my truck while I'm in the concert. I told the florist, and she said that should be fine for an hour or so.

I expect to be tired at the end of the night tonight, but I really look forward to seeing her.



Now, what to put on this wee little card for the band director who will have just conducted the last concert of the school year?

[hmrambling]

I arrived at the junior high gym just in time to sit down before the concert started. The choir sang before the band started. I unwound from the drive as the choir sung. It was really relaxing to hear the choir sing. Then, she came out and announced the songs the jazz band would be performing, and then conducted the jazz band. After a few jazz songs, she conducted the concert band, and handed out some awards. The concert closed with "The Bottom Line". I didn't take pictures or video. It was awesome to see her conduct the band. It was really nice to see how passionate she is about her job, and see that she loves what she does.

After the concert, we ate at a restaurant near the school. A couple of her friends at with us. Then we walked down by the lakefront and talked. She was really happy that I made it to the concert. Then, I gave her the flowers. I kept it simple with the card for the flowers.. "Congrats on wrapping up the Spring Concert."

It was nearly 1am when I made it home. We have a supervisor's training at work today. It was hard to sit still because I was so drowsy. But the work day is almost over.

I'm going to get tickets to a theater production for tomorrow night's date and she's supposed to go to church with me on Sunday.

Yeah, we're racking up the miles. It's time well wasted.

[hmrambling]

On Saturday night, we went to dinner and a play. The play's description mentioned pyrotechnical theater and fireworks... But there were no real fireworks. The play was about an opera singer. She really appreciated the play because she has a great appreciation for music. Following the play, in the car was possibly the hottest make-out session ever. I'm not going to analyze why, but will acknowledge simply that it was. On Sunday, we went to church. She was able to meet my church family. Everyone said that they've been missing me. I've been seeing her on Sundays and missing church. We went to eat with church friends after church. She was happy to meet folks at my church. Also, it kind of felt like by her meeting people at church that they re-enforced that I usually attend regularly and that I participate in a lot of things at church. She sees now that my spirituality is very important to me. It became evident to her that it's not only something I say that is important to me, but it is something that is actually very important to me. I told her in the beginning that the fact that she mentioned her own spirituality in her profile was part of what drew me to her, and now she sees that it is very important to me.

We have a long weekend in the city to get ready for, so I'll make sure that all my house chores are taken care of so that I can come back to a tidy house on Sunday night. I'm pretty happy with how things are going. Even though we are traveling to see each other, and a great deal of the weekends are gone after we visit, I am pretty much keeping my house in order and doing well at work. Sometimes when I get in relationships, everything else goes to hell. I have order in other areas of my life while still having a relationship. I feel good about that.

I remind myself to not rush things, and to keep doing what I'm doing... just do one day at a time and the rest will take care of itself. That's worked so far.

[Scouse05]

It's lovely reading your posts - seems like things are going really well for you

[hmrambling]

Yesterday, I put a card in the mail that she should get tomorrow for her birthday. I reserved a room in the city for the weekend. I give her gifts pretty often. One of my friends said that because I seem to give gifts often and I paid for the room that I really don't need to get her anything for her birthday. My friend has even suggested that I go overboard on the gifts, and that I don't allow time for her to reciprocate. Sooooo do you think the room (and probably dinners) on her birthday weekend is fine, without buying her a gift? What do you think?

[Scouse05]

Personally I'd say do what feels right to you but if it were me I'd probably buy or make her something small so you have a gift to give her but you haven't spent mega bucks as you will already be paying for a room and dinner.

As for giving too many gifts, only you can judge that - can you sustain this but also why do you feel you need to give her so many gifts?

[Mims27]

When my SO and I were first starting to date, I was always buying her gifts and spoiling her. I loved doing it! She was a little worried at first because she couldn't do the same for me at the time. I reassured her that I wasn't doing it to expect anything in return. I was doing it because I love her. So if you want to spoil her and it it doesn't make her feel uncomfortable then why not? It's no body else's business.

[hmrambling]

Thanks for your responses. I've thought about it for a while now. I really don't hear her talk about cooking much, so I think she'll appreciate something home cooked. I'm going to keep it simple with some chocolate chip cookies. Her sisters are taking her out for dinner tonight so I'll have some time to lay low and bake without her suspecting anything is up.

Regarding past gifts, everything has been pretty small. Definitely something that is sustainable, but in the big picture I doubt I always will give little thoughtful gifts. I like to give gifts every once in a while, but not all the time. So, for her birthday, her big gift is primarily the room and dinner... and spending the weekend together. We haven't shared a full weekend yet, so this will be our first. I'm interested in sharing the experience in a city that she loves. The cookies will be the thoughtful gift that I took the time to make.

[hmrambling]

The weekend went off without a hitch. We got our start a little later than intended because one of her dogs got kennel cough from the place she usually boards them. She took her pooch to the vet Friday afternoon, plus I ran into traffic getting to her house. So we got a later start than intended, but we headed down to New Orleans and we were there before it was terribly late. We enjoyed some wood-fire oven pizza, truffle-oil chips, and buffalo wings. Saturday morning, we had breakfast at the hotel. Then we went for a walk in Audubon Park, went to Jacques-Imo's to eat, went to the French Quarter, and went dancing at Oz. Sunday morning, we had breakfast at the hotel and then went to the Healing Center and then the cemetery where her grandmother is buried. (New Orleans has a lot of historic cemeteries, and her grandmother is buried in one of the older cemeteries.)

When we left New Orleans, we went to her house. We shared a nap together. The nap was really longer than we intended, but that was fine.

Yesterday, we discussed what our summer plans will look like. School's out now so she won't be as busy, but she will still have private lessons to teach, as well as conducting rehearsals for a musical production in July. So she'll still be busy over the summer, but not as busy as she is during the school year.

She was very happy, and surprised by the cookies. She said she feels spoiled, and that she wants to be able to do the same in return. She also told me that she loves me. I told her that I love her, too. Both of us have now initiated telling the other that we love the other. I got home to a very sweet text last night: "My head has been swimming with thoughts of you. Wow! What a great weekend I had with you." Last night's good night text was followed by a kiss and a heart. We still don't say that we love each other everyday, but our actions toward each other are very loving. In a lot of ways, things are still moving slow... and we're still taking things one day at a time, and taking things slow. I've thought about it, and I believe that feelings grow progressively so I think it is sensible for us to gradually step into sharing how we feel about each other - these things take time.

[hmrambling]

This weekend, she should be at my house about 3ish on Saturday. She plans to bring her dogs to my house for the first time. I'm prepared in case her dogs try to mark the house. I have one dog who is totally my buddy. I'm hoping he doesn't get some selfish only child syndrome when her two dogs are at my house.

Tomorrow night, we're going to go to my AA home group meeting where I will be picking up a medallion for two years of sobriety. I feel a little vulnerable and exposed, but I want to be open and honest about my recovery and where I am. I think it will be interesting for the two of us to share this experience together.

My sister will probably go to the meeting. So there will probably be an opportunity for her to meet my sister. I don't expect my niece and nephew to be there. And that's kind of a can of worms in itself. My niece and nephew look up to me, and when they meet someone, they really want it to work. They want another aunt (their aunt's partner). So I want to be more careful about introducing the kids to whoever I'm dating. They really took to my exes. :/ I think they are let down when relationships don't work out. So, it may be in my favor if the kids aren't there. I don't think it's really time for them to meet her just yet.

We will go to dinner after the meeting, which will be pretty late for dinner. I'd like to go to church on Sunday morning, but that'll probably depend on how the dogs do on Saturday night when we go to the meeting and dinner. We'll have to play it by ear. I'm really looking forward to seeing her.

[Mims27]

I love catching up on your story and relationship. You seem to be happy, really taking things are a good speed and enjoying the ride. You deserve to be happy my friend. I know what you mean about feeling explosed and vulnerable, but I think it will just bring you closer. I know it did for my wife and I when we opened up to each other about certain things in our lives. Totally worth it.

Can't wait to hear all about your visit together!

[hmrambling]

It was a good weekend. Our dogs got along great, and the meeting went well. She gave me a card before we went to the meeting congratulating me on the my two years of sobriety, and thanking me for inviting her to the meeting. She briefly met my sister before the meeting and my sister spoke about my progress in recovery during the meeting. She met my recovery friends, and we all went out to eat after the meeting. It was a really laid back weekend. Yesterday, we all piled in my spare bedroom... 3 dogs and the 2 of us. The dogs got naps. We're going to one of my friend's weddings next weekend. I'm looking forward to seeing her dressed up. I would like to take her some place nice following the wedding since we will be dressed up.

[hmrambling]

We stayed up late talking on the phone. We each shared about how our day, and we made plans for the weekend. She agreed that she would like to go out since we'll be dressed up. She also said that she would like to cook together for Sunday's potluck. It sounds like this weekend will be busy, but it also sounds fun.

Then I brought up how I told her that I like her a lot. Saturday night when we were camped out on the sofa, she was drifting off, and I told her "I like you a lot, Jennifer." She drifted off to sleep. The next day she told me that she heard me, and that she likes me a lot, too. I brought the subject because I struggle with vulnerability sometimes. I don't want to feel or be exposed. I don't want to say how much I care if it is not reciprocated. I don't want her to say how much she cares out of some sense of obligation. So I told her I wanted to talk to her about it instead of having this conversation in my head about how I feel. Sometimes I want to say how I much I care, and sometimes I want to hear it.

She explained that she is generally a guarded person, and that she is not nearly as guarded now as she has been in the past. And that things take time with her. She said that she does have feelings, but she's not at a place where she's ready to say "I love you" all of the time. She assured me that she cares a great deal. We've talked about love and what love means to each of us.

I have some concerns. First, I know for a fact her being a guarded person is *not* my stuff. It simply IS NOT. I am not owning it. That is her stuff. I find myself needing to look at how I feel about it and my thoughts about it. How emotionally available is this person to me? How well am I getting to know someone who is guarded? How long am I willing to interact and continue a relationship with someone who is so guarded? Is she a love avoidant? Are my needs being met by having a relationship with someone who is guarded?

The relationship is not all about me, but I AM part of it. My feelings and opinions are just as valid and relevant as the other person's feelings and opinions.

And then there's this... love... unconditional positive regard.

Do I really know what it looks like for me to have unconditional positive regard for another human being? Am I able to establish healthy boundaries and have unconditional positive regard for someone? In the past, there were always conditions and reservations.

Part of me didn't want to have the conversation about vulnerability at all. Part of me needed to. I needed to hear for myself where she is and what's going on. She said that it's okay to tell her how I feel as much as I want to. In my head I said, "no, it's not. Nope." I won't be chasing. In fact, part of me wanted to haul ass. If she isn't where I am, what am I doing here? A lot of black and white thinking started brewing the second I heard "guarded". I told her that because vulnerability is hard for me that in the past I acted on old behaviors instead of being vulnerable. That wasn't a threat. I'm not going to go back to those old behaviors I did in the past. I worked hard to get to where I am with my recovery and I've made a lot of progress.

Honestly, I have some fear about going forward with someone who is guarded. I'm compelled to keep being me and being true to myself. My plan for now is to stay the course and not allow fear to prevail. I said in the beginning that I wanted to take things slow... and she certainly is. I would rather have a solid foundation with someone whose actions genuinely reflect that she cares than to hear meaningless words of endearment. I don't want to hear them if they are not heartfelt. So, that's where I am right now.