Planning children

[squeeker]

I pick and tell what I share on this forum. Actually a lot of times I just prefer not to talk about myself unless I see a thread that is similar. But I don't look at all the threads. I just pick and choose which ones happen to look interesting that day! I have other things to do.. like university. I think some members use the blog feature if they want to share something that is more personal so they don't take over the forum. And they might just not look at the thread. There could be so many reasons people wouldn't post something in a thread.

But on topic, I wanted to say that my boyfriend and I would not plan to have children while we are still long distance. We want our future children, if we do decide to have any, to be able to have a good relationship with both of us. As much as sometimes I see other people having babies and get "baby fever", I know neither my boyfriend or I are ready for children. Though the biggest thing stopping us is closing the distance, and the thing stopping that is money. And we also need money to raise a baby so.. not for a while! We are both also going to university so we can have a better chance of making a decent wage to be able to support a family in the future.

[differentcountries]

Or, some people may be too busy with real life - aka life offline - to share. Or haven't seen this thread.

Personally, I don't plan on telling anyone when my husband and I start trying to have kids. I will probably end up telling a few close friends that we're thinking about it, but, definitely not internet strangers. It's not that I think it's a taboo topic, it's just not something I'd share.

Well I think in the confession section there has been some talk about starting to try for children. Anyway I was thinking more specificly on while in LDRs. And not neccesarily trying either, I mean accidents and the grey area between that and trying is interesting I think.

[Kitten_mittens]

I'm kind of in a strange situation that sort of goes along with this thread. I don't really tell anyone about it as it brings up a lot of emotions. But I feel like voicing my opinion here. =]

I was a little careless after my last relationship (read: unprotected drunk rebound sex) I met my SO like the day after I conceived my son.. He had already told me he loved me before I found out I was pregnant.. And amazingly he stayed with me. Going through pregnancy without adequate support was rough both physically and emotionally. Hormones make everything much harder to handle.. If my son was my SOs I would have been very sad that he'd miss out on all the baby years. The first year goes crazy fast.

That all being said.. If I was in your shoes I would possibly consider having a baby before closing the distance. Given there would be visits often and lots of skyping and you knew the distance would close while the child was still really young. It's a hard choice.. Specially if you feel you may lose your chance at giving birth. Yeah adoption is great and all but you can't replace the experience of giving birth to your own child and the bonding of breastfeeding, skin to skin, watching this little baby you grew yourself develop. It's absolutely incredible. I know there are moms who had babies knowing they would be single. It would be interesting to see if they would have done anything different if they could. I dunno.. But I don't think you're wrong for thinking about it. Very touchy subject though.

[lyonsgirl]

So you mean, you aren't going to share the birthing video either???? :O

I'll have it filmed JUST for you, snow_girl. (HA!)

Sorry, sorry! How about I spel things rong 2 make u fele beter?

You're a jerk. ETA: (Moon isn't really a jerk. I think we've reached a point in our friendship where she may respond to this with . Because that's how we roll.)

[differentcountries]

I'm a very private person, therefore I tend to not share certain parts of my life, unless I think I can either help someone, or use my experiences to emphasize a point. My boyfriend is a really private guy, so even before I share anything about us, I think about it first, and decide if I thought it would be something he'd be OK with, regardless that he'd never even know I wrote it. Some people are more open to sharing, I'm not one of them. Something like having a baby to me is kinda sacred. Of course, I'd share with my closest girlfriends, and maybe a few others, but that's it. It's not taboo, or embarrassing, or a forbidden topic, but it's something people like me prefer to keep private. Not everybody is an open book

I totally get that and it is nice to see you talk about how you feel about it. I too have stuff I really would prefer to share only with a few, and you may be right indicating I did not think too much of that side of the question. Thanks for sharing.

[differentcountries]

I'm kind of in a strange situation that sort of goes along with this thread. I don't really tell anyone about it as it brings up a lot of emotions. But I feel like voicing my opinion here. =]

I was a little careless after my last relationship (read: unprotected drunk rebound sex) I met my SO like the day after I conceived my son.. He had already told me he loved me before I found out I was pregnant.. And amazingly he stayed with me. Going through pregnancy without adequate support was rough both physically and emotionally. Hormones make everything much harder to handle.. If my son was my SOs I would have been very sad that he'd miss out on all the baby years. The first year goes crazy fast.

That all being said.. If I was in your shoes I would possibly consider having a baby before closing the distance. Given there would be visits often and lots of skyping and you knew the distance would close while the child was still really young. It's a hard choice.. Specially if you feel you may lose your chance at giving birth. Yeah adoption is great and all but you can't replace the experience of giving birth to your own child and the bonding of breastfeeding, skin to skin, watching this little baby you grew yourself develop. It's absolutely incredible. I know there are moms who had babies knowing they would be single. It would be interesting to see if they would have done anything different if they could. I dunno.. But I don't think you're wrong for thinking about it. Very touchy subject though.

Thanks for your story and your thoughts. It definitely got me thinking.

[Moon]

You're a jerk. ETA: (Moon isn't really a jerk. I think we've reached a point in our friendship where she may respond to this with . Because that's how we roll.)

I <3 my jerkness.

[piratemama]

Sorry, sorry! How about I spel things rong 2 make u fele beter?

I love this! Thanks for the smile.

[piratemama]

I see now that some female members in here actually do get pregnant or try to become so before closing the distance. Granted, most did not announce it on The Forum forehand (or possably anywhere else)... Still it is being done. Am I the only one unapopogizing enough to say it out loud, though many do the same? (the irony of course being I don't actually do it, not now anyway)

Obviously at 47, I'm not thinking about children now. I wanted you to know I didn't ignore your thread, but it doesn't really apply to me. I understand you thinking about how it would play out in an LDR, since you will be so long before closing the distance. You don't want to miss your chance, I'm sure. You'll hear from those that think it would be okay to have a baby in an LDR and those that think it wouldn't be a good idea. It all depends on you and your SO. Many people decide to be single parents without a loving and supportive SO, so being a parent in an LDR wouldn't be impossible. Gosh, think about all those that have babies while one parent is in the military. It happens.

Hope you find some helpful responses to you inquiry.

[differentcountries]

I promise to not show ANYONE any birthing video. Or record a birth at all, in any way, shape or form. Hardly pictures, and absolutely not for public show. I think that would be too private. I don't like seeing anyone else 's either (though I would just to be polite because who wants to offend the happy parents?).

And by the way, please do not apologize for not answering the thread before. Though I am happy if you choose to do now course, if you have anything to say on the subject. It IS a sensitive subject and I realize it even more now.

[Dezface]

I think another thing to point out is that many people here share things in private parts of the forum or private blogs. Sometimes it's nice to keep a limited audience for your personal details.

[differentcountries]

I think another thing to point out is that many people here share things in private parts of the forum or private blogs. Sometimes it's nice to keep a limited audience for your personal details.

Oh that may very well be so. But then it becomes more of an individuall confession than a debate. I thought a debate was more interesting of the two.

[piratemama]

Oh that may very well be so. But then it becomes more of an individuall confession than a debate. I thought a debate was more interesting of the two.

Just remember, differentcountries, that some people don't like to debate. It's not their style, but they do love talking things out. Debates are fun for certain personality types. Many people visit forums to get an audience to hear them out, but they really don't want to hear advice or debates. We're all different. Some areas of the world might be more open to debates. I also didn't realize your topic was as sensitive an issue, esp. for this forum.

[freya23]

I have an unplanned child with my SO and we are 1500 miles apart. It is certainly not something I would ever have planned. Personally for us it has been a total nightmare - He missed the birth due to work commitments and has missed a lot of her milestones. We aim to see each other every two months, but I still can't imagine how it feels for him not being able to wake up to her everyday. As she is getting older it is becoming increasing difficult as she is starting to understand. She regularly tries to put her shoes on and bangs on the door shouting papa and it is heartbreaking. We send photos, video clips, voice notes on a daily basis, but it is far from the same.

I am often envious that I am left with the baby whilst he is out doing what he wants everyday and he likewise is jealous that I see her everyday and yet sometimes want to get away for some time to myself!

He speaks Spanish and I speak English and yet I am the one having to teach both languages as she is not exposed enough to Spanish to pick it up naturally. There are so so many things to think about, before planning a baby whilst in a LDR. Once she starts school I don't even know what will happen. I would love to close the distance, but due to him having twins from a previous relationship it is left to me to make the move to Spain. Unfortunately due the current employment issues they have this is just not possible financially for me.

I wouldn't wish anyone to be is this situation. The mother, the father and especially the child. I was 10 when my own father left the country and I can clearly remember the desperation I felt to see him when it just wasn't possible.

Sorry if this is all coming off very negative. We do get to have family time every few months and it is lovely to be all together and wake up all together, but the inevitable separation always comes too fast! It is a very hard way to have children

[Ahava]

Thanks for sharing your story Freya.
I hope you all stay strong and that things will work out for the best.