Hoping for a proposal...

[Kristin91]

It almost sounds to me like you're rushing into this because you want a fiance instead of a boyfriend. You're 19, give it some time!

[TerriW312]

I wouldn't even take a proposal after less than a year of being together seriously.

That depends on the couple. My parents got engaged after dating for five months. But they had known each other for two years before that and were 25.

OP I agree that it seems like you want to get engaged for the sake of being engaged. You need to let the relationship naturally progress because if your boyfriend feels negatively pressured it could cause strain in your relationship. Just enjoy being young and don't rush it

[lyonsgirl]

Edit to my previous post: The first question under boyfriend/girlfriend is "Are they Christian?" This was specifically geared towards me, so, adjust that particular question to "Do they share my spiritual beliefs?"

[Dezface]

I pushed my ex into getting engaged and married to me. I pushed him into every big step we took. Now we're getting divorced and I'll always wonder if maybe I had backed off just a bit and let him come to his own decision about things, it may have turned out differently. I was the same age as you but we had been together longer. Don't do it. Take it from someone who knows the consequences.

[Zephii]

LOL!! Sorry in advance for sounding snarky, but if you truly believe that - YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR READY TO BE ENGAGED, let alone married. You've only been together a little while, marriage is nothing like what you've seen on Lifetime, WE, and TLC, trust me, been there, done that, and bought the t-shirt. Your boyfriend doesn't want to get engaged right now, while he may be thinking in that direction, he's not 100% sure about you yet, whether he'll admit it or not, and he needs time. Why the engagement obsession? You can't get engaged because, like it or not, your boyfriend doesn't want to / isn't ready. Just relax and get to know each other, 10 months is absolutely nothing compared to the rest of your life.

Moon said exactly what I was going to... except the T-Shirt stuff. I haven't got the T-Shirt yet.

Basically... engagement changes shit. It does change how you feel. It changes your priorities. It changes your mindset. -> Even if you're already living together. Which you're not. You've been together less than a year, and it's been long distance. Seriously, with that, how well can you really know each other? I don't mean to sound narky, but I've only had one cuppa this morning and I'm having trouble tempering my bluntness.

But, that's not what you were asking, let me get back on track here.

Don't bring this up to your SO. I have a lot of mates that nag their guys about engagement and I seriously don't get it. When he asks you, don't you want to be 100% sure HE IS READY? 100% sure this is what he wants, not him doing it to shut you up? Often it's us girls putting the major effort into relationships. We tend to be the driving force a lot of the time. We tend to start thinking "us" and "our future" well before our guys realise that their job affects us beyond the money they bring home. Proposing is his one chance to say I want this. I want you. I am ready. It's his step forward. His big moment. It's a rite of passage for him. Don't take that away from him and cheapen it with your own selfish longing to change your facebook status.

Before Obi and I got engaged, do you know how many times we talked about engagement? - None. I never bought it up. And when we discussed our friends (one of which is one of those naggers that I mentioned) he told me outright he thinks that weddings and engagement should not be up for discussion. They are for individuals to think on alone, and discover alone if this other person is enough to be their everything until they die. It's a big thing, and should be treated with respect.

Of course, at the time I thought he had some kind of commitment phobia lol, but it turns out he'd been planing to marry me, dreaming of it, working his way toward it since before we even met in person.

Like Lucybelle, if someone was proposing to me after only ten months, or suggesting that I propose, I'd be out of there!

[snow_girl]

I pushed my ex into getting engaged and married to me. I pushed him into every big step we took. Now we're getting divorced and I'll always wonder if maybe I had backed off just a bit and let him come to his own decision about things, it may have turned out differently. I was the same age as you but we had been together longer. Don't do it. Take it from someone who knows the consequences.

I might also add it's easy to get engaged and married but it can be a long messy road when it ends in divorce.

[dglynn77]

Don't bring this up to your SO. I have a lot of mates that nag their guys about engagement and I seriously don't get it. When he asks you, don't you want to be 100% sure HE IS READY? 100% sure this is what he wants, not him doing it to shut you up? Often it's us girls putting the major effort into relationships. We tend to be the driving force a lot of the time. We tend to start thinking "us" and "our future" well before our guys realise that their job affects us beyond the money they bring home. Proposing is his one chance to say I want this. I want you. I am ready. It's his step forward. His big moment. It's a rite of passage for him. Don't take that away from him and cheapen it with your own selfish longing to change your facebook status.

Agreed! I want to know that he wants me, with NO pressure from me. That would just make me feel so much more special. If you know it is going to happen, leave it alone!!!
Why risk potentially pushing him away over this??? What if he decides you are too pushy? Do you want to have regrets in your relationship? Or do you want to have a happily ever after?
Let him have his own time, and completely back off the topic. Just be glad that he is your SO for now! Picture someone else doing to your SO what you are doing to him. Do you think he would deserve that? Or would your advice also be to just let him be a man and do this in his own timing?

[LeilaniJoi]

I have to agree to not push. We talked about marriage before I moved and on our very first visit one of the first things he said to me was "I wish I could ask you to marry me" but since I've moved it's not been up for discussion... and we are way past 19 lol

Take your time... dream about it if you want ( I do and even plan a bit for that " one day" ) but don't push. Life itself will throw you enough pressure and curves without adding to it. The wait will be worth it.

[Dziubka]

That depends on the couple. My parents got engaged after dating for five months. But they had known each other for two years before that and were 25.

I said *I* wouldn't take it seriously. Granted I don't take it seriously a lot of the time if oth people do it either, but everyone has the right to think my relationship is ridiculous (and I bet a lot of people do, fine with me) so I can have my own thoughts about theirs.
I don't think that having known each other before and being 25 makes getting engaged after only 5 months any more reasonable. But like I said, to each their own. If both parties are comfortable getting engaged and married early, more power to them.

I disagree with Zephii on not talking about getting engaged, though.
I think it makes sense to discuss engagement and where you stand on it. Do you both consider being engaged as the logical next step in a relationship? Do you see yourselves being engaged for years or do see it as a time to actively plan a wedding within a certain time frame?
A marriage/wedding very much involves two people. Getting married is a decision you have to make together. As much as I want the actual proposal to be a surprise, the decision to get there should be one made by the both of us.

[Haley53]

I have to say I agree with Zephii and Moon, if only because the OP has mentioned getting engaged what sounds like several times to her SO and he's clearly stated "not now." I can't say I'm sure pushing him with a serious discussion would be good for the relationship, at least not at this point.

To the OP, I agree with the others. I feel like a lot of the younger members here have at some point been overcome by "engagement fever," and I can't say that I understand why. Everyone wants the title, the ring, the "next step" in the relationship that engagement supposedly brings, and all I have to say is that while it may change one's perspective and outlook, it's also essentially false security. Getting engaged does not mean your relationship is any likelier to work than it is now. Getting engaged does not mean you've +1'ed. Getting engaged does not mean your long engagement has more of a chance of lasting until marriage than your relationship now. Not at 19. Not after 10 months.

People seem to think that getting engaged means a new and improved, higher level of commitment, and it simply doesn't. Does it bring a new dimension to your relationship? Of course, once you've embraced all that being engaged means, and it means more than the ring, the title, and the fairytale. But it does not mean that either one of you is more committed to making the relationship work. My SO and I are both dedicated to making our relationship work. We are not engaged. That doesn't matter. Do we talk about marriage? Yes, but I don't think either one of us is going to pop the question and put a ring on my finger when we a) have so much ahead of us and b) have no idea when any type of closing the distance would be able to take place! An engagement for the sake of engagement simply seems silly...

You two may have talked about marriage. Therefore, he's considering you as having what he would look for in a lifelong partner, at this point in time. That does not mean he's ready to get married. Getting engaged is a precursor to marriage. It's a precursor to being ready to take the next step. He might not be ready to take the next step. It could be that he's not sure of you 100% (and at his age and at only 10 months, this is logical) to make that commitment, or it could simply be that he has things he wants to get out of the way first. I want to get my education out of the way before I get married. I want to be working towards a career before I get married. If my SO and I are going to last, we're going to last while I pursue my academic and career goals, whether engaged or not. The thing is, getting engaged for flashy reasons cheapens your engagement, the commitment, and isn't taking something seriously that, well, needs to be taken seriously simply because it's laying the foundation to take the next step, i.e. marriage.

My suggestion would be stop pressuring him for something he's clearly not ready for. The discussion might need to be had at some point, but not right now, especially not when he's expressed not wanting to be engaged etc. My opinion is if you don't want him to propose to you out of pressure, then stop bringing it up and work on being happy with and secure in what you have without needing the feeling of being engaged and being able to call him your fiance.

[Malaga]

LOL!! Sorry in advance for sounding snarky, but if you truly believe that - YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR READY TO BE ENGAGED, let alone married. You've only been together a little while, marriage is nothing like what you've seen on Lifetime, WE, and TLC, trust me, been there, done that, and bought the t-shirt. Your boyfriend doesn't want to get engaged right now, while he may be thinking in that direction, he's not 100% sure about you yet, whether he'll admit it or not, and he needs time. Why the engagement obsession? You can't get engaged because, like it or not, your boyfriend doesn't want to / isn't ready. Just relax and get to know each other, 10 months is absolutely nothing compared to the rest of your life.

I agree with everything except for the bold part. Sometimes people can be 100% sure about someone and still want to wait with marriage and engagement because they want to do first things first. Like finishing university, getting settled into a job, anything else that gets more complicated in marriage.

OP, you have to understand that getting engaged means a lot more than a title and a ring, and it doesn't even have anything to do with your feelings and how they change or not. As long as you're 'just' dating, you may be deeply in love and committed to each other, but there are little of the life's practicalities that you have to care for. As soon as you get engaged, you're basically committing to start saving money for the wedding, house, getting a steady job etc, and any decisions and mistakes you make seriously affect your SO and his plans. You just aren't responsible solely for yourself anymore. This is a difficult burden for a 19 year old. Whether he thinks you're The One or not may not have anything to do with it. Maybe he just wants to enjoy his youth with you for a little longer. And he's right! Trust me, the reality of planning your life together bites you hard, and if you jump into it when you aren't ready, everything could fall apart.

Focus on your studies, travelling, career options, experiencing things together. Build yourself into an educated, independent person because that's the best way you'll be able to contribute to the engagement and marriage once you guys are ready.

[notyourexgirlfriend]

I guess this is more of my personal opinion... but, I'm in sort of a similar situation. I'm 24. My SO is 23. We have been together 19 months, and know we're going to get married. I want him to propose, but not so I can call him my fiance, but so we can seriously plan for our marriage. We have talked about it, and he isn't ready to propose yet because he wants to be able to afford the ring and the wedding. He wants some kind of security in his finances. Although frustrated, I completely understand. I have, however, told him that I'm okay with just eloping and not really being engaged.

IMO, being engaged means you've committed your life to that person. It is the the prequel to marriage. A good friend of mine shared with me a list of questions to ask yourself about your relationship. This list of questions is not all inclusive, but it is definitely a good starting point. If you can both answer ALL of these questions honestly, then I think you should have a serious discussion with your SO about your relationship.

This is very good advice.

[CynicalQuixotic]

I'm really only parroting what everyone else is saying, but I'm honestly curious: why do you want to get married at 19? You're not even old enough to drink in the US and you're barely out of high school. Don't you want to experience adult life and find out who you are and what you really want before you make a very significant legal commitment to somebody else? What's wrong with just being in a committed relationship until you've gotten some perspective?

I'm just so mystified by all of these people here in their late teens/early 20s who honestly want to get married imminently.

[Haley53]

I'm really only parroting what everyone else is saying, but I'm honestly curious: why do you want to get married at 19? You're not even old enough to drink in the US and you're barely out of high school. Don't you want to experience adult life and find out who you are and what you really want before you make a very significant legal commitment to somebody else? What's wrong with just being in a committed relationship until you've gotten some perspective?

I'm just so mystified by all of these people here in their late teens/early 20s who honestly want to get married imminently.

This would have rep if I could give it on my phone. Thank you. And solid words of wisdom.

[Sanney4709]

I completely agree with everyone else. I love my SO to death and I can totally see me marrying him someday but now is just too soon. Even engagement is a big step. He bought me a promise ring and that is enough for a while. I want to be done with college, have a solid career, and have a little bit of money in the bank before marriage. I knew a girl in high school who was engaged to her baby daddy one minute in the next she was with another guy and then back with the baby daddy. I feel like people take engagement and marriage too lightly. That is why there is so much divorce. My mom got married to my dad at 18. She had me at 16 however so she had to grow up fast anyway but their marriage crashed and burned. I grew up without a dad and I still hardly know him. I'm not saying this is the case for everyone I am just sharing what I have witnessed.
Anyways enough rambling. Like everyone else says what is the rush? He is obviously not ready and you are young. You guys aren't even living together yet. Just relax and let things happen. If you guys love each other and are together why does it matter so much right now?