I feel like my boyfriend died

[Jezah]

You titled your thread "I feel like my boyfriend died" when he is very much alive. I think that speaks volumes.

How the *bleep* does that make me a drama queen? Sorry but that really irritated me! I said I felt like my boyfriend died because everything I knew about HBB changed in a blink of an eye, and maybe it was because I was being blind for so long...but really? If you come on this board to label people than I think that speaks volumes of YOU. Thanks for all your helpful input, which consisted of you essentially reading my whole thread and then deciding at the end that insulting me was the best course of action.

That said, and let me be clear that was directed only at digitalfever since at least the rest of you who called or insinuated I was a drama queen actually offered advice/something remotely helpful as well...me and HBB are not back together and I am going to slowly start dating other men if only to assure myself that there are other options. We are friends, but he lost my trust and knows he may never be able to win it back. He did do what he did because he honestly felt he had to in order to assure us the best future, but I cannot and do not want a man who thinks hurting me for the 'greater good' is worth it.

[Shepard-Fowkes]

Your (ex?-) boyfriend didn't die. He is the same spineless coward you've always posted about. Heck, don't you remember that you two broke up a couple months ago because of this very same problem? You can't say that this was completely unexpected. You knew he's a pushover who can't stand up for you. People close to you in real life have told you that. People on LFAD have told you that.

Jezah, your relationship existed and ended in the same way: full of drama, toxic, and only tearing you both down. Throughout your posts on here, we've been able to see unhealthy pattern after pattern. Unhealthy. That word has been used to describe your relationship before and you strongly objected to it. Hopefully now you realize that it's painfully accurate. You have described a relationship in which it sounds like you both delighted in fighting with each other, if only for the exciting time of making up with each other afterwards. But posters have warned you time and time again that that isn't sustainable. Eventually, you would fight and not have the will to start the spark back up again. Unfortunately, it sounds like this was the fight that did it. And yeah, this one was pretty damn bad (a grown man cancelling a vacation because his parents made him? Who does that, seriously?), but honestly it could've been anything.

Was what you felt for him really love? Because to me at least, I can't tell the difference between you loving someone and you hating someone. While that sounds nifty and special and all that, it's just not how you're supposed to interact with people. At the very least, you run yourself ragged over somebody. Just like a much-beloved teddy bear, if you just throw all your love on it without taking the proper precautions to take care of it, it's going to end up falling apart. There is such a thing as being too intense, and there's a difference between passion and being way too intense. Sometimes reading your posts, I'd wonder, "Does she love him, or is she just addicted to him?" I'm not inside your head or your heart so I can't answer that for you. Read through some of your old posts and see how you were talking about your relationship. You might not have realized that the things you were saying were red flags.

You posted a thread 2 months ago entitled "Why do we put so much on a 'healthy' relationship?" Have you gotten your answer? Because unhealthy relationships are bad for all parties involved. Perhaps you were confused about what "healthy" exactly means. To me, a healthy relationship is one based on trust, love, respect, and safety. An unhealthy relationship would be one in which one or more partners feels they cannot trust their partner, or that they do not love their partner, or they do not respect or are not respected by their partner, or do not feel safe with their partner. I feel that your relationship was unhealthy because you two did not respect one another. You both screamed at each other and brought each other down, he would not stand up for you, you perpetuated drama. It's not even how adults should communicate with each other, let alone two people who love each other.

I don't want this to get too long so I'll end it here. I'm not saying that you or him are bad people. I'm saying you both made mistakes in your relationship that carried on an unhealthy dynamic and ultimately made you both unhappy. Remember that when you fall head over heels, it's difficult to get a solid footing. I hope that in future, you will mellow out a bit in your relationships, learn that true passion doesn't need to come with pain, and listen to advice that's given to you.

[Sora1101]

How the *bleep* does that make me a drama queen? Sorry but that really irritated me! I said I felt like my boyfriend died because everything I knew about HBB changed in a blink of an eye, and maybe it was because I was being blind for so long...but really? If you come on this board to label people than I think that speaks volumes of YOU. Thanks for all your helpful input, which consisted of you essentially reading my whole thread and then deciding at the end that insulting me was the best course of action.

I don't think she meant to insult you really but there are quite a few members on here that have SO's fighting terminal illnesses or have been seriously injured in accidents and so comparing I guess breaking up with a boyfriend, one you've had problems off and on with, to an SO actually passing away is in a way extremely hurtful. Yes you have every right to feel like a part of you has died in a way, that's what heartbreak is, but you didn't really need to use that as a title for a thread, something more relevant to the problem would probably be more, I dunno, respectful.

[Haley53]

While I'm not going to comment with my opinion on the thread title, seeing as I had a title someone had a problem with on one of my threads a while ago (according to them, I'd used some word wrong/out of place), I will repeat the defense that was given for me. Someone quoted that poster and told them that I, as the original poster, wrote the title that belied the interpretation I had made of my situation. It didn't matter that it seemed "wrong" in the eyes of someone else, because it was accurate to my perception and that was what counted. While I can understand that maybe some people might take offense to the thread title, the title was "I feel like my boyfriend died," not "The man I knew died" or "My boyfriend died" or any other phrase that was misleading one to think her boyfriend actually died. While again, I'm not going to comment with my opinion on the title/the drama debate/etc., I will say that any poster should be allowed to title their thread what they please, regardless of what it is. It stated the way Jezah was feeling, it was not misleading in any way that I can see, and so I don't even see it as disrespectful to those who have SOs suffering from terminal illness. Simply wanted to pay homage to whomever defended me when my thread title, of all things, was derailed, and do the same for Jezah.

[sarahrosestevey]

Ignoring the other banter on this thread - I hope you are okay. If you need someone to talk to, just send me a message ok? Take care.

[Ninjamonkeys]

Well, I felt like I should post here since this issue is pretty damn big. Also, Jess feels like no-one will take her seriously if I don't explain why she's still with me and she really loves this site and the advice and stuff on here. [Especially the crystal rose she won on Valentines day, which I take full credit for ]

So, you all know that I said I'd come out and visit Jess this summer and that had been the plan pretty much since I left on my last visit in December last year. This was part of our larger plan for a long-term and short-distance relationship. This included me passing AOSB Main Board and being accepted into Officer training at RMA Sandhurst. I took Main Board in May and despite my best efforts was unsuccessful. I have one more attempt that will be next May. Until then I have a list of things I need to work on, a short list of only three things but a list nonetheless. One of the things that my Army careers adviser told me was that most of these would be able to be addressed by joining the TA [the same as the National Guard for you yanks] Something else that I know I needed to do was to get a job. I've been unemployed for about 2 years now after leaving uni, by the way: I hate the economy right now.

The best time for me to get a job is during the summer, there's holiday things going on and the service sector of the economy gets a lot more bearable job-wise. It's also an excellent time to join the TA as it gives me a whole year of training until our annual summer camp [where more training and stuff gets done and it's best this way] It is true that I can work on some of the things i need to improve in America with Jess but these two, which are the most important, I can make no progress with whatsoever. If I did go on my trip I would be setting back my preparation quite significantly in this way. I cannot have any setbacks, I need to pass Main Board next time and there is no wiggle room in that. That way we can still go ahead with out long-term plan with a slight delay [slight in the grand scheme of things]

Now, there comes the issue of my promise to visit Jess this summer. This is the main issue from Jess' point of view and from what I've skim read, that main issue you lot have raised too. Now it is true that I said I'd go and I did promise her as well but this wasn't a promise I could keep. I sat down and thought about all the facts and they clearly pointed to cancelling my trip. I thought about all the emotional factors and they all screamed to go and see the woman I love for an awesome summer. Balancing these things in my head and my heart was so hard and here is about the only place that I can say that with the knowledge that people have probably gone through something similar. For a three day period I was a total emotional wreck and I know Jess was too. It came down to a choice between my potential career and my ability to provide for Jess later in life, including allowing her to move here, or the short term satisfaction of a wonderful holiday in a great place with the woman I love. Believe me, it was a very close call, I even booked the tickets and everything. Jess has called me a loser for my current situation and that weighted heavily on my mind, I need to crawl out of the gutter and become the man she needs me to be.

I love her so much and will be using the time I'm now not spending with her in person to work on the things I really need to make my life, and by extension Jess', a hell of a lot better. I hope you can see why I made this decision and don't think any less of Jess for sticking with me through it!

Thanks for reading.
HBB

[Haley53]

I don't feel like it's Jezah no one is taking seriously.

The opinions that some of us share about things that happen within this relationship are not personal, as seems to be the assumption. It's the way that they are conducted, it is the way that they are handled, and it is actually what occurs within the relationship that so many of us have an issue with when it's shared, because the dynamic, for whatever excuses anyone has to give, comes off as unbearably unhealthy. I am sorry that Jezah feels like it is personal, because it isn't. I have no issue with Jezah, but surely you can't blame anyone when we're not given the other side of the relationship to work with? Yes, LFAD is a great place to come vent, talk about your problems, gain support, and have people share their opinions, but if you never partake in the positive side of LFAD, if you only come on to regularly vent about everything, and when that frequent venting is not about normal, run-of-the-mill issues, but rather about toxic, intense, and sometimes borderline abusive decisions, then people are going to form their opinions based on that.

This is not about Jezah. This is not about you. It is neither one of you two that people don't take seriously. It's the idea that this is a positive, healthy relationship that people don't take seriously, and it's honestly getting tiring that everyone's opinions are always taken so personally and it ends up being treated like there are two clear sides - the victims (you two) and the world against you (us) - and you have to jump in and defend the relationship in a way that does not even really address the issue at hand. You two are free to conduct your relationship as you like, and you're both free to continue posting, but I think it'd do you both well to be mindful of the fact that no one's opposition is about you or Jezah. It's opposition to what we read and what's shared with us, which I think is only fair that we're expected to respond to the facts we're given to respond to, no other speculation involved. It simply feels like every time someone disagrees, it's turned into how everyone dislikes the both of you or Jezah or thinks x, y, or z about her/you two and you come in here to smooth things out and only vaguely excuse the issue. The only people making you out to be victims are yourselves, and it's tiring. If you don't want people viewing your relationship negatively, then don't only be a part of the forum when your relationship is in complete shambles.

[Ninjamonkeys]

Oh, I don't think I've been attacked, I don't even think Jezah has been attacked, I just wanted to give my side of the story so you could form a proper opinion of the subject, whatever your personal opinion may be. I have said it before but your personal opinions are yours and I don't really care what you think as long as you're not prejudging it. LFAD is a great place that I have to admit I don't use too often and Jess has been through some tough time so has seemed to be posting a lot of negative things with regards to our relationship recently. I firmly believe that she will be posting positive things again soon

[Jezah]

I don't feel attacked, not really. The only thing I felt 'attacked' for was being called a drama queen because I found it very unhelpful and quite mean spirited.

As far as just posting negative things, I admit that has been the case lately...but if you look back on my posts before HBB's visit and right after, they were all happy and positive. Also if you look at my LFAD profile back 8-9 months you will see all the candy heart messages HBB left for me and the sweet songs he sent me. Me and HBB have not always, or really often, been such a unhealthy negative couple. I feel like the moment everything turned for us in a lot of LFADers minds was when I posted about me and HBB fighting and enjoying it. That was something that was happening at the time, a small part of our relationship when I was being separated from HBB by his dad and we developed a very bad coping mechanism that temporarily relieved the anger and helplessness we both felt. We have not been doing that lately, yea we do fight because we both are stubborn to a fault, but I can honestly say I do not think either of us enjoys it anymore.

HBB was everything I wanted in the beginning, the heart messages, the songs, the post its he left hidden all over when he left....all of it was the sweetest most thoughtful things anyone has ever done for me. So when lately we have been under so much stress, and then this...yes I felt like that man died because what he did was so hurtful and so far from sweet or thoughtful. As he explained he did it for all the right reasons, but my heart and my trust was collateral damage.

So he is trying to make it up to me, I am cautiously watching and listening to my heart as he does to see if it heals. I would love to still be able to post on here while I go through this and not have everyone roll their eyes and sigh in exasperation at me because I am still engaging in what most of you see as a very toxic relationship. Just give us a chance to work this out, and support us if you can...but if you can't I beg of you not to make this harder on us both by judging me and labeling me for giving the man I love a chance to fix this.

[Haley53]

I would love to still be able to post on here while I go through this and not have everyone roll their eyes and sigh in exasperation at me because I am still engaging in what most of you see as a very toxic relationship. Just give us a chance to work this out, and support us if you can...but if you can't I beg of you not to make this harder on us both by judging me and labeling me for giving the man I love a chance to fix this.

But see, again, it's not about you. No one (or very few of us) is labelling you, Jezah, or HBB. I don't know either of you personally. I'm human. I form opinions based on what I read, but those opinions aren't so unshakable that if I got to know you both and learned that you were great company, I would still hold you to some cut-out idea I have of you based on your postings.

I feel like you often confuse our opposition for a lack of support, when that's not what LFAD is about. We don't get thrills from telling you to dump HBB. We don't get a rise out of calling you dramatic or saying your letters come off as Shakespearian. We don't lay into you for the fun of it and then go have a drink over it later and laugh about this or that. We say the things we do because that's what it means to be a tight-knit community. Tight-knit communities are, honestly, a lot like families. They tell you what they think you need to hear as opposed to what you want to hear. When they see you hurting and see something going wrong, they encourage you to fix it, but after a point, they are the ones that ask "when is enough enough?" before anyone in the situation ever will. You take our comments like they are judgments or criticisms, when I think most of us post because for the last while, your relationship has been portrayed as, frankly, going to hell, and you being dragged right along with it. When someone posts with so much pain and misery for so extended a time, it's only normal that we're going to recommend getting out of the situation, because it's easier for someone who's in an objective position to see what it's doing to the person whose heart is being damaged.

This is what I mean. Both of you post like you feel attacked. Even if you don't say it explicitly and even if you say you don't, you both post like you've got something to prove or like we don't understand when for the past x-number of months, you've both only shown us one side. Words are only words, and to hear the actions and happenings that go on in your relationship is a bit heart-wrenching when we're told numerous times "we're not like this, we're perfect, generally" and then see you collapse and fall apart and come to LFAD with something that was toxic and abusive and passed between the both of you. Now I imagine that if your postings became more positive, and there were evident improvements, and you both set aside your stubborn tendencies long enough to work on where you both could change, our responses would be different. My point is that you both seem to take what everyone says like it's personal, like we're judging and condemning you simply because of you two, when really, we're feeding off what was given.

My posts were met with criticism in the beginning. I was miserable when my boyfriend was at his worst, and people said I should leave. We're not like that now. I can post happy things now, and I can post happy things amongst being honest about our disagreements, but I'm not met with the same criticism because our dynamic changed. It was our dynamic that people had a problem with, and it was our dynamic that was the problem, not me, my SO, or our relationship. It's the same with you and HBB, is all I'm trying to say. No one's trying to be unsupportive. We're just supporting you in more of an honest way than you're ready to accept, and we, too, need to be shown and proved to that things in your relationship can change before we completely concede to loving every good and bad decision you both make.

[Jezah]

Ok, I need to level with you Eclaire, honestly I feel like you are so busy trying to read into what we are saying that you are not actually listening to what we are saying. Neither me or HBB feel attacked, or like you hate us, or laugh about us over drinks. However we do feel like somehow we are not adequately explaining the situation, so we keep trying to offer more details to help you all understand more about the situation and therefore be more able to help....and you keep taking that as us defending our relationship because we feel attacked. So I am now starting to get frustrated, because I am simply, and HBB is simply explaining things about this situation and you consistently ignore what we are saying and tell us what we are really feeling...when its not true. I think the expert on how we are feeling is us, and neither of us feel attacked. You also in one sentence tell us we are not attacked, and then tell us we need to prove our relationship with positive posts in the next. Again just an observation.

Just listen to what we are actually saying. We are NOT taking it personally, we do NOT feel attacked and we do NOT think you hate either of us. As far as me asking for support and nicely asking people to not get frustrated at me while I try and forgive HBB, that is not because I feel attacked but more feeling that if in the future I get nothing but negativity towards our dynamic and way of fixing things(I won't say relationship because you will take that as me being defensive) I will feel discouraged. Again, not attacked or like you all hate us, but discouraged and perhaps a bit hopeless if no matter what I try everyone feels me and HBB will never be able to fix our toxic and hurtful ways.

So either let us try and explain our thoughts, feelings, actions fully or keep interpreting every post as a veiled attempt to defend ourselves. That is up to you, however I have explained it is not the case so take it as you will.

Well, I felt like I should post here since this issue is pretty damn big. Also, Jess feels like no-one will take her seriously if I don't explain why she's still with me and she really loves this site and the advice and stuff on here.

Also, to clear something up, HBB misinterpreted why I wanted him to post explaining his side on here. It was not because I felt you all would think badly of me or like I was a joke if he didn't. I just felt nobody could better explain HBB's motives and thoughts better than HBB. So I didn't even try, and asked him to instead.

[Honeypie]

If you read back over all your posts .... you do say {in not so many words} that you do feel attacked by the term Drama Queen ... am I wrong? Many of your posts come off as if you're feelings have been hurt, maybe I'm reading it wrong. All we are doing is being honest with you & as I said in an earlier post I don't think we're telling you what you want to hear.

[lucybelle]

Here's an analogy for you. Someone tells me for months how much they hate their job. How their job makes them frustrated and doesn't satisfy them in anyway. I tell them to quit. They say "no, I really actually do like my job. You just don't understand because it's complicated."

Okay. Whatever.

[Jezah]

I wasn't hurt by the whole 'drama queen' thing, I just really felt it was an unhelpful remark.

Lucybelle, correct me if I am wrong but I think there are a lot more emotions involved in the decision to end a relationship than there is to quit a job. Besides, I never said HBB didn't satisfy me in ANY way, because that would be untrue. He does make me happy from time to time and I never said he didn't. If you chose to read between the lines to think HBB just did nothing but make me miserable with no redeeming value, that was your choice however I never said that.

[Haley53]

Actually, deleting, because this isn't even worth arguing. I didn't make assumptions about how you're feeling, rather tried to point out that this community has been supportive (of you, not necessarily your relationship), 100%, up until even now. I assumed you felt it was personal because all your posts were defending you/asking us to not judge you etc. I assumed wrong. I retract my assumption and I hope your relationship turns out for the better. You're not unwelcome here.