The Exes talk. Have you had it? And exes on Facebook

[Alisz]

Just wondering how many of you have had the exes discussion? How did it go? If you haven't, why not?

We've sorta touched down on it a few times. Mostly because we met through one of my exes. That ex and the one before that had scarred me a bit, so I felt like I should let my boyfriend know. As far as his exes, they've been brought up from time to time when its relevant. Just recently one of them has been trying to contact him again with "googly eyes" as he puts it. And his birthday just past, so another posted on his Facebook wall. We talked about it so he could assure me there was no way he was interested in them and he told me about the conditions of their breakups. He touched on that they were dating for awhile, but I'm not someone who wants to hear about exes. If I need to hear something to calm me down and make me feel better, then it's fine. But generally I don't want to know because I end up comparing myself to them in my head. Often times I get jealous of things they got to do with my boyfriend that I haven't had the opportunity yet. So, we're saving any serious discussions until we've at least met in person.

I also don't use Facebook mainly for this reason. As he still has his exes friended, I figure it's better for me to not see anything they write. Logic doesn't always clue in immediately when I see some girl telling my boyfriend, "I love you! I miss you! XOXOXO" -_-;; Give me a few minutes and I'll realize that it's being said TO him and not the other way around. But to avoid stupid bouts of jealousy, I avoid it. I wondered why he still had them friended. He told me that he has known them for awhile. But I mentioned he doesn't talk to them and doesn't want to. He said that was true and he didn't particularly like them, but it was like he wants to be friends like before, but knows that he can't. I don't really understand it as I cut communication entirely from my exes. :/ He also never uses his FB and keeps it up because people want him to have it. I was a bit annoyed that his status doesn't say he has a girlfriend, but he assured me that they know about me. I dislike Facebook XD

[KeeperoftheAirmansHeart]

Wow, I totally understand =( I usually break things pretty clear off with my ex's. There's a reason they're exs neway lol. I had a conversation like yours with my bf recently. We were discussing exs and i was like... i get this really hateful feeling when i think about ur exs... and he was like well i really don't like them either, there's a reason they're exs lol.

But i've never seen nething by another girl on FB saying she loved him. That'd bother me. But if he never uses his facebook, id see it as a needy ex, but id ask him to delete it and/or add you as his gf lol, so EVERYONE can see w/o having to ask lol. One time i was tempted to go searching thru his fb and look for exs... there are only ones tht ik on there, but i wanted to see the ones that we'd talked about.

I resolved to just not do it because i knew that if i did it'd make me angry for no reason, and why should i bring up the past? I have exs, and so does he. I can't be angry @ him for it. But i really do wish he were the only guy i'd dated. It would be nice, but am the person i am today, and the girl he's in love with bc of the neg and poss experiences that have skulpted me. Lol, that inculdes exs. And i'm totally not saying you feel this way or telling you u need to view it like this, i'm just sayin wut i had to tell myself lol.

[Jackie]

Yep, we've had this conversation. I don't really have a lot of ex-boyfriends, so there wasn't much on my end to tell because I've only dated 2 other people, and the last relationship with 3 years prior to this one and lasted two weeks.

When Chris and I first started chatting, he was actually already in an LDR with another girl from America, and so I witnessed the tail-end of that relationship.. actually, I witnessed all his relationships up until mine. I gave him loads of advice about girls before we were even interested in each other. Before we slept together though, I asked him to tell me about all the other girls he had been with, because I didn't want to end up with an STD or something. Luckily there wasn't any problems with that!

As for Facebook, Chris actually doesn't even have one. He thinks the idea of social networking is dumb... but I don't! I love Facebook very much, haha.

[Veiled_Dreamer]

My SO is on Facebook and he's always complimenting girls' appearances. Nothing like "hey sexy, call me " or anything, haha, but if someone says they're gorgeous, he'll be like, "hey, that's my line! =D" Which is dandy, I know I'm a flirt too, except he does this also with one of his very close friends... who's also an ex. My goodness, if I could count the times I've felt bad about that particular ex. =( We actually had a whole argument about that and almost split, things were left hanging by a thread and he actually went on a date after it. I have anxiety issues too and I can get SO paranoid, it only made things worse. Especially since "officially" we are only lovers, as we didn't think the bf/gf thing was good for us (long story).

I'm not saying you're jealous, but I know I was at times. Especially since his exes pretty much ALL want him back! So what did I do? I talked to him about it, but I was way too forceful and all but told him he had to cease communication. XD That turned into a huge argument, understandably, and yada yada. Nowadays if I'm feeling jealous I say so and add that I know he would never do anything while things with us are like this. That, or I just let it go. I realized that if he wanted to be with those other girls, guess what, he would be. =P But he's not, he's with me, and I need to trust him when he says I'm the one he wants to hold, that he loves me, etc.

Oh, and the actual topic of the thread. >.> We've both had very few people in our lives romantically, so before we were "together" so to speak, we went over them in detail. XD

[Gurl]

FB can be horrible for your relationship if your insecure in it...and I am talking from personal experience. He and I are both very active on FB most days and he has this one ex on there that I hate with a passion (but without real reason lol). He knows I don't like her and I know that he doesn't want another chance with her. Since he told me that last, I've been better about not being so upset at some of the things she posts to him that I feel go over the line. She's a needy woman, from what he says, and he's one of the few people she knows won't judge her (which is one of the things I love about him). So, I just push the green eyed monster aside...though I'm not sure how!

[lunamea]

Oh, yeah, touchy subject. I've had an exes discussion with my husband pretty soon after we met, even though neither of us still had contact to our exes. I don't think I could deal with my husband still being in touch with his exes, especially if it had been a serious, long relationship. Luckily, he hasn't had such and neither did I before we met. He wouldn't like me talking to my exes either. He was quite specific when he told me about his previous relationships and in hindsight, I'd say that was a mistake. I was torn between wanting to know and not wanting to hear it, but after he told me, I decided that I don't want to hear any more of it. I agree with you that too many details about past relationships are just bad for the current one.

And then, Facebook - I've heard that there's 10% more divorces since FB... don't know if that's true but it seems plausible. My husband and I are both on it and also appear as "married to...". Luckily, my husband doesn't really use FB (I made him join so he can see the pictures I upload) and most of my page is in English (my hb doesn't speak English), so it's not a big deal for us.

I think your decision not to join is very wise, it might really make you controlling and jealous. I'd question why his status doesn't say he is in a relationship, though, for me there's no reason not to be up-front about this, even if you are not on FB. Also, I find it really tasteless of his exes to post things like that knowing that he is with you.

[Veiled_Dreamer]

I sooo agree about too many details. Nowadays, when random guys hit on me, even if it's funny and I want to share it with my best friend, I don't tell him. =P There's no point, I know from experience it doesn't make him feel better and he just seems kind of annoyed. And a long time ago, we were talking about first kisses, and he told me about his. In detail. While we were *cuddling*. And I was the one who had the idea to be open about that, and even though it doesn't bother me as much now, I wish he hadn't. =/ Especially since we haven't met in person yet so there haven't been any "real" kisses.

[Alisz]

Wow, I totally understand =( I usually break things pretty clear off with my ex's. There's a reason they're exs neway lol. I had a conversation like yours with my bf recently. We were discussing exs and i was like... i get this really hateful feeling when i think about ur exs... and he was like well i really don't like them either, there's a reason they're exs lol.

But i've never seen nething by another girl on FB saying she loved him. That'd bother me. But if he never uses his facebook, id see it as a needy ex, but id ask him to delete it and/or add you as his gf lol, so EVERYONE can see w/o having to ask lol. One time i was tempted to go searching thru his fb and look for exs... there are only ones tht ik on there, but i wanted to see the ones that we'd talked about.

I resolved to just not do it because i knew that if i did it'd make me angry for no reason, and why should i bring up the past? I have exs, and so does he. I can't be angry @ him for it. But i really do wish he were the only guy i'd dated. It would be nice, but am the person i am today, and the girl he's in love with bc of the neg and poss experiences that have skulpted me. Lol, that inculdes exs. And i'm totally not saying you feel this way or telling you u need to view it like this, i'm just sayin wut i had to tell myself lol.

The first time I looked at his FB there was this girl that seemed to be all over him. She just always ended her posts with "I love you!" and it really annoyed me. More so because my boyfriend was having conversations with her and asking how things were going in her city and being interested. I asked him about it and it turns out it was his cousin... She had a different last name, so I had no idea they were related. -_-;; I felt really stupid.

Another girl on there was saying she loved him too and he said that was his "crazy ex" and she says that to everyone... That it was part of the reason why they broke up... Also, she broke up with him because she was moving to go to college and wanted new experiences, blah blah blah. He summed it up that she was a bitch.

And he had been single for a long time before we got together. He had even sworn off women for awhile, so it gave me some indication that he really dislikes his exes. ^^;;

But I think the same way. ^^ I like and hate that he has a past. I just kinda wish that it could stay in the past and not have a little latch on the present, y'know? I know it makes no difference if he deletes them from his FB. I've cut contact from my exes, but once in awhile they'll email me or call me. I'm not going to change my number or email just for them.

As for Facebook, Chris actually doesn't even have one. He thinks the idea of social networking is dumb... but I don't! I love Facebook very much, haha.

I'm with Chris on that one XD The only reason I had a FB was because everyone kept asking me for mine and when I said I didn't have one they'd be like, "You should get one! Then you can add me!" and everytime I saw them the first words out of their mouths were, "Do you have FB yet?" So, I just got it to shut them up XD I don't use it at all. I think I updated my status 3 times in the past year. I think it's stupid ^^;;


I'm also kinda insecure when it comes to exes from past relationships. My first serious relationship had my boyfriend living with his ex-fiancee. Yeah... We had a lot of fights about her being there. Especially since I couldn't move in with him BECAUSE of her. He was staying at his father's place until he could get settled and she was there too... long story. Basically his father was ok with one extra person there, but not 2... I was allowed to visit, but not live there. :/ It was just so horrible. And then her ex was in love with my then boyfriend... So, I had to deal with him constantly flirting and trying to manipulate situations to be alone with him.

My last relationship... the guy (without telling me) had been meeting up with his ex. I didn't find out until she had an accidental death. He confessed that he had been meeting up with her to respark the flame. Ugh. I even gave him a 2nd chance. He didn't deserve it...

[Veiled_Dreamer]

Mmm, I've looked at his Facebook before. >.>;; Wish I hadn't. Because I saw some things from when he and his now-ex were together, and yeah, that was... not pleasant. XD

[KeeperoftheAirmansHeart]

Yea, i totally understand that, and oh my, his cousin? Haha, that would be embarassing. And yes sometimes i wish i could go back to the times i had with Drew, last summer, where we spent almost every day together. =) But more than going backwards i wish i could jump ahead to the future. But time is so precious... and if i think too much about going ahead, i will lose and not see the oppertunities ive got now. And if i don't take advantage of wuts right in front of me... when we're together again, i won't be ready to get married or live together. I wasted my life while he was gone... and that's really unhealthy =( And yea, deff deleted my exs, and they don't call me... they usu broke up w me... and i txted one b4, my 1st and longest so far, wanted to make sure tht i was over him, he doesn't want to strt up new problems. Ik we cant be friends... it'd be disastrous. But my roommate is best friends w her ex... im sure it drives her bf CRAZY! Lol... Esp bc tht was her most serious bf... and she's mentioned numerous times that she's still in love with him, and (twilight refrence) he'll always be her edward lol

[Alisz]

And a long time ago, we were talking about first kisses, and he told me about his. In detail. While we were *cuddling*. And I was the one who had the idea to be open about that, and even though it doesn't bother me as much now, I wish he hadn't. =/ Especially since we haven't met in person yet so there haven't been any "real" kisses.

That's exactly why I told him we should hold off on any further discussions of exes until we're in person. Then at least after we have the talk we can have a hot makeout session so I can put it out of my head XD But he's insistant that I know these things about him, so I can know all of him. I really want to, but when we're apart like this I feel really isn't a good time to talk because I'll feel sad and jealous and he's not around to offer comfort hugs. :/

Mmm, I've looked at his Facebook before. >.>;; Wish I hadn't. Because I saw some things from when he and his now-ex were together, and yeah, that was... not pleasant. XD

Oh yeah, I saw a bunch of that too... I left some distraught post somewhere I knew he'd see it when he woke up about hating Facebook. He knew something was wrong and we talked about it. That's when I found out about his cousin XD And he told me he doesn't use FB much and not to worry about all that. He cheered me up and I put it out of my head. I wish I hadn't seen it, but at the same time, I know he says way better things to me ^^;;

But my roommate is best friends w her ex... im sure it drives her bf CRAZY! Lol... Esp bc tht was her most serious bf... and she's mentioned numerous times that she's still in love with him, and (twilight refrence) he'll always be her edward lol

O_O That's exactly why I don't think it's possible to be friends with exes lol I don't think everyone is like that, but it's like holding onto the past. Things will never be like it was before :/ And I know this ex that keeps trying to contact my boyfriend has feelings for him still. That's why she'll random come crying to him about something stupid and he'll push her aside because he doesn't like her anymore.

About the Edward thing, I used to refer to my last boyfriend as Edward. He reminded me of him with his personality. And then I realized he was a jerk (as is Edward... just look at how controlling he is) and since then could care less about Edward lol I still like the books (except for 4....).

[KeeperoftheAirmansHeart]

EXCEPT THE 4TH?!?! Lol that was DEFINATELY my favorite! haha why not?

[folclor]

I know about his ex's and he knows about mine. I've cut contact with the first two and am seriously considering doing it with the third, but don't know exactly how to do it as I don't want to be rude. But he breaks pretty cleanly with his ex's, so I never worry about that. It was painful to listen to what they'd done, though.

[bigmac62]

She's actually met quite a few of my exes, and for the most part, she likes them. The only exception was a girl I dated in high school who actually wanted to come back to me, but it wouldn't have worked out even if I was single, so fortunately, that fell apart and she met someone else.

Although most people might view it as awkward, I try to stay friends with my exes. (It hasn't worked out well, because we just seem to drift apart, but I'm still friends with two of them, because they're friends of the family, and we've been friends for so long, that it just worked out that way.)

On the other side, we're actually together because of one of her exes (mostly because he was a total jerk to her), and another one is my friend through Facebook, and he seems like a good guy, so I have no reason to worry about them.

[Laura]

I have to admit I'm a bit of a monster when it comes to Fbook; he doesn't have exes but there are a couple of girls who were as close as he's ever come to a girlfriend before me, and he seems to have been pretty infatuated with one of them. He doesn't talk to them anyway, and I'm glad about it because I really wouldn't like it. The only ex of mine I talk to is the guy I first went out with, because it wasn't even like a relationship: we pretty much ignored each other and only actually kissed once. So he's just not an issue for either of us in terms of awkwardness, etc. As for you not having Fbook... you are sensible as hell for it. I wish I could just get rid of mine sometimes but it's my main way of contacting friends when I haven't seen them for a while. I'm a hell of a lot better with the insecurity crap now, anyway. Don't really have it much at all anymore.
We did have the ex talk to some extent because, like you, a couple of them were actually relevant to our relationship in that they'd scarred me and messed me up to some extent. Plus there were some things that I'm not proud of myself from when I was 14 and stupid. He doesn't like to talk about the past though, and he has the right idea, really.