SO telling me(again), to cheat on her

[Chris516]

I got a message on Facebook from my SO this morning. Telling me(again) essentially, I could cheat with someone better than her. Never actually saying she wanted to break up.

But every time I send her gifts, she is ecstatic about receiving them. She has terrible problems with guilt.

There was this thread https://members.lovingfromadistance....u-cheat-online about online cheating, that was started back in 2011 with the last post being in 2012. If one of the 'definitions' of online cheating is spending more time communicating with someone other than the person you are involved with. How can that hold water, when the person you are involved with, doesn't communicate, but infrequently.

Also, If 'intimate' topics are never brought up(yet allowing for how 'intimacy' is defined), how could it be online cheating?

[snow_girl]

It's not cheating if you have permission

[differentcountries]

Well, do you want others beside her? And is she giving the all clear because she is guilty for you waiting on her?

[SaraHonRara]

The fact that you wrote; Cheat with someone better then her.

That made me think she maybe said so cause she does not feel "Good enough". In the begging of our relationship, I did not understand why my SO would ever go for someone like me, I felt he could do so much better. And this sound like something I would think when I had less self-confidence. After realizing he actually loves me as much as I love him, I no longer think I am not good enough, and would never think this again.

Just make sure, that even though she "gives you permission" as snow_girl says. That she is not just saying so, and will regret it. If she has bad self-confidence, and you cheat on her and tell her, I don´t know if it will help.

[Chris516]

It's not cheating if you have permission

Hmmm....

Well, do you want others beside her? And is she giving the all clear because she is guilty for you waiting on her?

Instead of, or in addition to her, neither.

The fact that you wrote; Cheat with someone better then her.

That made me think she maybe said so cause she does not feel "Good enough". In the begging of our relationship, I did not understand why my SO would ever go for someone like me, I felt he could do so much better. And this sound like something I would think when I had less self-confidence. After realizing he actually loves me as much as I love him, I no longer think I am not good enough, and would never think this again.

Just make sure, that even though she "gives you permission" as snow_girl says. That she is not just saying so, and will regret it. If she has bad self-confidence, and you cheat on her and tell her, I don´t know if it will help.

She has OCD. Which is the root of the guilt, to say nothing of the distance. Since I am as 'stubborn as bull', I don't fall into the trap. Because, It is a 'mental' foregone conclusion on her part.

[jana89]

Don´t know if I have any advice on this, just it really reminded me the beginnings of the relationship with my SO. After I left Denmark and we started LDR, I honestly did not think we might last long, even though I loved him so much. I knew we have long time in front of us when we can´t be together and I felt like I want too much from him. So I told him, if he meets someone and he will feel the connection, he should just go for it and tell me then, so we can end it and he can be with someone in "normal" relationship. He never met anyone like that, thank God for that I see you are with your SO for quite a time, maybe she feels in similar way ... I would say, just make sure she knows she is the only one for you no matter if CD or LD.

[kayla_622]

To me she's just wanting some sort of confirmation from you that she is the only one you want and you don't want anyone else.

[Chris516]

Don´t know if I have any advice on this, just it really reminded me the beginnings of the relationship with my SO. After I left Denmark and we started LDR, I honestly did not think we might last long, even though I loved him so much. I knew we have long time in front of us when we can´t be together and I felt like I want too much from him. So I told him, if he meets someone and he will feel the connection, he should just go for it and tell me then, so we can end it and he can be with someone in "normal" relationship. He never met anyone like that, thank God for that I see you are with your SO for quite a time, maybe she feels in similar way ... I would say, just make sure she knows she is the only one for you no matter if CD or LD.

I have been frustrated with the lack of communication. Because, Looking at the timeline at the bottom of my original post, you notice how long it has been since we have seen each other. 2.5yrs. ago was the last time we physically saw each other. I have stuck with it, even when she has been like this. It doesn't irritate me when she gets' like this. It saddens me.

To me she's just wanting some sort of confirmation from you that she is the only one you want and you don't want anyone else.

I was thinking the same thing.

[Kitten_mittens]

She just needs reassurance I'm sure.. I've been guilty of saying similar things. Sounds like she has low self esteem.

[stormy]

My SO said similar things to me in the beginning of our relationship. Actually... not to long ago he said something along the lines of "Well if you want to kiss someone on New Years it's fine."
I finally pointed out to him that to me:
1. maybe this meant he would like the freedom to do the kinds of things he was suggesting to me
2. maybe he wanted me to do these things because he wasn't sure about what was happening between us... or something along those lines.

He finally later admitted that it was just what he had experienced in the past. So he was giving me permission before I did something similar to what someone had done to him before. He realized then that I had given no indication of wanting that kind of relationship and he was pushing me away. He hasn't done it again.

[BagOfPenguins]

I think that she is either looking for reassurance or hoping for you to fall for someone else because she doesn't want to be in the relationship anymore but doesn't want to break it off just like that for some reason. I don't know enough about the circumstances (for example why closing the distance is still to be discussed after such a long time) to really guess what it is, but those are the two things I think are possible.

[Chris516]

She just needs reassurance I'm sure.. I've been guilty of saying similar things. Sounds like she has low self esteem.

She does.

My SO said similar things to me in the beginning of our relationship. Actually... not to long ago he said something along the lines of "Well if you want to kiss someone on New Years it's fine."
I finally pointed out to him that to me:
1. maybe this meant he would like the freedom to do the kinds of things he was suggesting to me
2. maybe he wanted me to do these things because he wasn't sure about what was happening between us... or something along those lines.

He finally later admitted that it was just what he had experienced in the past. So he was giving me permission before I did something similar to what someone had done to him before. He realized then that I had given no indication of wanting that kind of relationship and he was pushing me away. He hasn't done it again.

That is why, I played the trump card once, and told her she could do whatever she wanted. She flatly refused.

I think that she is either looking for reassurance or hoping for you to fall for someone else because she doesn't want to be in the relationship anymore but doesn't want to break it off just like that for some reason. I don't know enough about the circumstances (for example why closing the distance is still to be discussed after such a long time) to really guess what it is, but those are the two things I think are possible.

Yes, I do think it is reassurance. If it is a backwards way of her telling me to break it off, I won't. Because I know what will happen to her. Any depression she has now, courtesy of her OCD, will spike big time. Because her 'prophecy' will be fulfilled, if I break up with her.

[Irina_Linn]

make her feel special,seriously
and i'd not recommend to cheat

[Chris516]

make her feel special,seriously
and i'd not recommend to cheat

Agreed

[differentcountries]

If she has never been exited about open relationships in general, I would say she is acting against herself and doesn't want you to doit at all. It seems you are rather used to her saying things she doesn't mean. Why so long apart? Is it a visa issue?