Oh dear, that doesn't sound right to me either, and you have every right to be upset by this. Like others have said, he is acting very immaturely. If he doesn't skype with you or offer an apology or explanation for why he lied.. then that's not a good sign at all. I'm sorry . I'm hoping for the best for you though, that he will apologize and explain things and make it up to you by staying home from the bar more often and talking to you more, or something to that degree..
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Lying? Dishonesty?
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My SO and I discussed boundaries like this for a reason. Any time a group gets to only the opposite gender we've agreed to stop drinking at the very least, and if it gets done to just one member of the opposite sex unless it is a discussed group of people, we agreed to leave. The boundaries helped. While lying about what you are doing and being less communicative is a big deal I also agree not to jump to anything. You don't want him to feel the need to be defensive. He'll only shut down more.
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You are completely right in being pissed off. I'd give him one more chance to explain himself. If he insists on acting like a child, I think you should move on.
Best of luckI thought of you and the years and all the sadness fell away from me - Pink Floyd
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Originally posted by differentcountries View PostSorry, but you press him into lying . Why should it matter to you where he was or who with? Get over the fact that he has acess to an ex girlfriend.
What she needs to do is clarify what the guidelines are for both of them regarding this matter. Whatever they both agree to then what determines how they each agree to act. If you lie, you lied and you are wrong.
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I don't question him like he is a prisoner on probaton. I know he has contact with his ex, I also know he has contact with lots of attractive women, some of whom offer him sex. He volenteers information. I often ask how his day was. However, I would never check out his wherabouts. If I discovered he was not telling the truth I would assume he felt he could not be honest with me, and I would be more sad about that than upset about him lying. I hate dishonesty, but I am aware that I myself can produce it in others by my own behaviour. I know I have lied to people when I have felt preassured, even if I had not done anything wrong. If I really, really felt he was hiding something important from me, I would not be "upset", I would break up with him. Which is what I think you should consider doing, too, if you REALLY think he is cheating - as well as lying about it. If he is not, you are being suspicius for no reason. You are naive to think you can controll your boyfriend's wherabouts and actions, especially in another country. You have to trust him, or not. He WILL lie to you if you are this obvious in your attempt to control him.
Originally posted by ethelynn View PostYou don't expect an honest answer from your SO when you ask him what he has been doing?
I would be upset, because I really don't like dishonesty, even if it's to save my feelings. If you are man enough to do something, be man enough to admit it. Though, I would make sure he understands that you are upset about him lying to you, rather than him thinking it's about going out with his ex or other women.Last edited by differentcountries; March 9, 2014, 03:50 PM.I made love to him only twice, she thought and looked at the man laying asleep beside her. And yet still it is as if we have been together forever, as if he has always known my life, my soul, my body, my light, my pain
- Paulo Coelho, "Eleven minutes"
"Bız yüzyılın aşkı vardır" - We have dated since Sept. 2013. To see our full story, click here https://members.lovingfromadistance....and-our-visits
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I'm another person who thinks you have a right to be pissed off that he lied and is now ignoring you. I think he could have been doing work and then gone out and not said anything but there's no reason for him to be ignoring you unless he has something to hide in my opinion. The ignoring you part is the bigger red flag to me because this all could have been avoided by him admitting he went out that night and apologizing for not letting you know. I hope things will work out and he'll be mature enough to stop ignoring you.Our love story:
Attended the same high school 2004-2007
Dated CD: June 2009-July 2010
Reconnected: August 2012
Began dating LD: November 2012
Engaged! March 2014
Closing the distance: December 2015
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Originally posted by differentcountries View PostI don't question him like he is a prisoner on probaton. I know he has contact with his ex, I also know he has contact with lots of attractive women, some of whom offer him sex. He volenteers information. I often ask how his day was. However, I would never check out his wherabouts. If I discovered he was not telling the truth I would assume he felt he could not be honest with me, and I would be more sad about that than upset about him lying. I hate dishonesty, but I am aware that I myself can produce it in others by my own behaviour. I know I have lied to people when I have felt preassured, even if I had not done anything wrong. If I really, really felt he was hiding something important from me, I would not be "upset", I would break up with him. Which is what I think you should consider doing, too, if you REALLY think he is cheating - as well as lying about it. If he is not, you are being suspicius for no reason. You are naive to think you can controll your boyfriend's wherabouts and actions, especially in another country. You have to trust him, or not. He WILL lie to you if you are this obvious in your attempt to control him.
They had a deal of telling each other when they go out and instead of telling her that he was going out he told her that he was working, which is a blatant lie. If he is not okay with this agreement he has to tell her and they have to work on a different agreement.
Do you expect everyone to lie, because they disagree with an agreement? How do you know she was controlling him? Taking from her post I only saw that she had no problem with him hanging out with other girls and she asked him what he was doing that day to which he said he was working - is asking someone what they will do controlling them?
I believe she trusted him, but found out he lied. I think she has every right to be mad. Stop shaming her into thinking she did something wrong, when HE lied to HER.Last edited by snow; March 9, 2014, 04:18 PM.
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Originally posted by differentcountries View PostI don't question him like he is a prisoner on probaton. I know he has contact with his ex, I also know he has contact with lots of attractive women, some of whom offer him sex. He volenteers information. I often ask how his day was. However, I would never check out his wherabouts. If I discovered he was not telling the truth I would assume he felt he could not be honest with me, and I would be more sad about that than upset about him lying. I hate dishonesty, but I am aware that I myself can produce it in others by my own behaviour. I know I have lied to people when I have felt preassured, even if I had not done anything wrong. If I really, really felt he was hiding something important from me, I would not be "upset", I would break up with him. Which is what I think you should consider doing, too, if you REALLY think he is cheating - as well as lying about it. If he is not, you are being suspicius for no reason. You are naive to think you can controll your boyfriend's wherabouts and actions, especially in another country. You have to trust him, or not. He WILL lie to you if you are this obvious in your attempt to control him.
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Originally posted by snow View PostThis is not your relationship though and you can't project everything that works for you onto them.
They had a deal of telling each other when they go out and instead of telling her that he was going out he told her that he was working, which is a blatant lie. If he is not okay with this agreement he has to tell her and they have to work on a different agreement.
Do you expect everyone to lie, because they disagree with an agreement? How do you know she was controlling him? Taking from her post I only saw that she had no problem with him hanging out with other girls and she asked him what he was doing that day to which he said he was working - is asking someone what they will do controlling them?
I believe she trusted him, but found out he lied. I think she has every right to be mad. Stop shaming her into thinking she did something wrong, when HE lied to HER.
This is spot on!
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Originally posted by differentcountries View PostIf I really, really felt he was hiding something important from me, I would not be "upset", I would break up with him. Which is what I think you should consider doing, too, if you REALLY think he is cheating - as well as lying about it. If he is not, you are being suspicius for no reason. You are naive to think you can controll your boyfriend's wherabouts and actions, especially in another country. You have to trust him, or not. He WILL lie to you if you are this obvious in your attempt to control him.
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Originally posted by snow View PostThis is not your relationship though and you can't project everything that works for you onto them.
They had a deal of telling each other when they go out and instead of telling her that he was going out he told her that he was working, which is a blatant lie. If he is not okay with this agreement he has to tell her and they have to work on a different agreement.
Do you expect everyone to lie, because they disagree with an agreement? How do you know she was controlling him? Taking from her post I only saw that she had no problem with him hanging out with other girls and she asked him what he was doing that day to which he said he was working - is asking someone what they will do controlling them?
I believe she trusted him, but found out he lied. I think she has every right to be mad. Stop shaming her into thinking she did something wrong, when HE lied to HER.
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Yeah, I agree that lying is not good. There's no way to make excuses for it. I've told my SO that he and I can work out anything but lying. I've made it completely clear to him that even one lie is a dealbreaker for me, but that's because of issues in past relationships, including my last marriage. My experience with liars is that a person telling one lie will usually lie again.
Also, I have no respect for a man that can't tell you straight out what's going on without lying.
OP - I'm sorry this has happened. I'm sure this really hurts.
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Originally posted by differentcountries View PostI don't question him like he is a prisoner on probaton. I know he has contact with his ex, I also know he has contact with lots of attractive women, some of whom offer him sex. He volenteers information. I often ask how his day was. However, I would never check out his wherabouts. If I discovered he was not telling the truth I would assume he felt he could not be honest with me, and I would be more sad about that than upset about him lying. I hate dishonesty, but I am aware that I myself can produce it in others by my own behaviour. I know I have lied to people when I have felt preassured, even if I had not done anything wrong. If I really, really felt he was hiding something important from me, I would not be "upset", I would break up with him. Which is what I think you should consider doing, too, if you REALLY think he is cheating - as well as lying about it. If he is not, you are being suspicius for no reason. You are naive to think you can controll your boyfriend's wherabouts and actions, especially in another country. You have to trust him, or not. He WILL lie to you if you are this obvious in your attempt to control him.
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