Lying? Dishonesty?

[squeeker]

Oh dear, that doesn't sound right to me either, and you have every right to be upset by this. Like others have said, he is acting very immaturely. If he doesn't skype with you or offer an apology or explanation for why he lied.. then that's not a good sign at all. I'm sorry . I'm hoping for the best for you though, that he will apologize and explain things and make it up to you by staying home from the bar more often and talking to you more, or something to that degree..

[lucybelle]

I'm another one who doesn't like the situation. No new advice, what everyone's saying is sound.

[nottheprincesspeach]

My SO and I discussed boundaries like this for a reason. Any time a group gets to only the opposite gender we've agreed to stop drinking at the very least, and if it gets done to just one member of the opposite sex unless it is a discussed group of people, we agreed to leave. The boundaries helped. While lying about what you are doing and being less communicative is a big deal I also agree not to jump to anything. You don't want him to feel the need to be defensive. He'll only shut down more.

[TwoThree]

You are completely right in being pissed off. I'd give him one more chance to explain himself. If he insists on acting like a child, I think you should move on.

Best of luck

[Hollandia]

Sorry, but you press him into lying . Why should it matter to you where he was or who with? Get over the fact that he has acess to an ex girlfriend.

That is almost offensive. She did not press him into lying. If he does not want this type of relationship guidelines he should have the balls to say so and not just lie about it. You are making excuses for his misbehavior by blaming the victim. That is just as wrong by saying a women that dresses like a slut deserves to be raped. Not everyone wants such open relationships, I don't and my SO does not. I am a firm believer in monogamy and I don't want my partner hanging out in bars with people he used to bang and obviously has an attraction to. Will it happen sometimes? Perhaps, but if he lied about it or I did, that would be wrong and premeditated. If you want to be with one person and only that person that you don't generally act like a single person or someone that does not. That is a cheater's behavior, pure and simple whether he did or not.

What she needs to do is clarify what the guidelines are for both of them regarding this matter. Whatever they both agree to then what determines how they each agree to act. If you lie, you lied and you are wrong.

[differentcountries]

I don't question him like he is a prisoner on probaton. I know he has contact with his ex, I also know he has contact with lots of attractive women, some of whom offer him sex. He volenteers information. I often ask how his day was. However, I would never check out his wherabouts. If I discovered he was not telling the truth I would assume he felt he could not be honest with me, and I would be more sad about that than upset about him lying. I hate dishonesty, but I am aware that I myself can produce it in others by my own behaviour. I know I have lied to people when I have felt preassured, even if I had not done anything wrong. If I really, really felt he was hiding something important from me, I would not be "upset", I would break up with him. Which is what I think you should consider doing, too, if you REALLY think he is cheating - as well as lying about it. If he is not, you are being suspicius for no reason. You are naive to think you can controll your boyfriend's wherabouts and actions, especially in another country. You have to trust him, or not. He WILL lie to you if you are this obvious in your attempt to control him.

You don't expect an honest answer from your SO when you ask him what he has been doing?

I would be upset, because I really don't like dishonesty, even if it's to save my feelings. If you are man enough to do something, be man enough to admit it. Though, I would make sure he understands that you are upset about him lying to you, rather than him thinking it's about going out with his ex or other women.

[Heavenly_Love12]

I'm another person who thinks you have a right to be pissed off that he lied and is now ignoring you. I think he could have been doing work and then gone out and not said anything but there's no reason for him to be ignoring you unless he has something to hide in my opinion. The ignoring you part is the bigger red flag to me because this all could have been avoided by him admitting he went out that night and apologizing for not letting you know. I hope things will work out and he'll be mature enough to stop ignoring you.

[snow]

I don't question him like he is a prisoner on probaton. I know he has contact with his ex, I also know he has contact with lots of attractive women, some of whom offer him sex. He volenteers information. I often ask how his day was. However, I would never check out his wherabouts. If I discovered he was not telling the truth I would assume he felt he could not be honest with me, and I would be more sad about that than upset about him lying. I hate dishonesty, but I am aware that I myself can produce it in others by my own behaviour. I know I have lied to people when I have felt preassured, even if I had not done anything wrong. If I really, really felt he was hiding something important from me, I would not be "upset", I would break up with him. Which is what I think you should consider doing, too, if you REALLY think he is cheating - as well as lying about it. If he is not, you are being suspicius for no reason. You are naive to think you can controll your boyfriend's wherabouts and actions, especially in another country. You have to trust him, or not. He WILL lie to you if you are this obvious in your attempt to control him.

This is not your relationship though and you can't project everything that works for you onto them.

They had a deal of telling each other when they go out and instead of telling her that he was going out he told her that he was working, which is a blatant lie. If he is not okay with this agreement he has to tell her and they have to work on a different agreement.

Do you expect everyone to lie, because they disagree with an agreement? How do you know she was controlling him? Taking from her post I only saw that she had no problem with him hanging out with other girls and she asked him what he was doing that day to which he said he was working - is asking someone what they will do controlling them?

I believe she trusted him, but found out he lied. I think she has every right to be mad. Stop shaming her into thinking she did something wrong, when HE lied to HER.

[Hollandia]

I don't question him like he is a prisoner on probaton. I know he has contact with his ex, I also know he has contact with lots of attractive women, some of whom offer him sex. He volenteers information. I often ask how his day was. However, I would never check out his wherabouts. If I discovered he was not telling the truth I would assume he felt he could not be honest with me, and I would be more sad about that than upset about him lying. I hate dishonesty, but I am aware that I myself can produce it in others by my own behaviour. I know I have lied to people when I have felt preassured, even if I had not done anything wrong. If I really, really felt he was hiding something important from me, I would not be "upset", I would break up with him. Which is what I think you should consider doing, too, if you REALLY think he is cheating - as well as lying about it. If he is not, you are being suspicius for no reason. You are naive to think you can controll your boyfriend's wherabouts and actions, especially in another country. You have to trust him, or not. He WILL lie to you if you are this obvious in your attempt to control him.

You are still trying to make it sound like his lie was her fault, that is bunk! I am sorry if you have lied and so you have rationalized that it was okay for you because of X and so it okay for everyone because of that reason too, but lying is wrong. If you did it, you were wrong and it was all your choice to do it and not the fault of the person you lied to regardless. He lied and he was just plain wrong as well, not her fault in the slightest bit.

[Hollandia]

This is not your relationship though and you can't project everything that works for you onto them.

They had a deal of telling each other when they go out and instead of telling her that he was going out he told her that he was working, which is a blatant lie. If he is not okay with this agreement he has to tell her and they have to work on a different agreement.

Do you expect everyone to lie, because they disagree with an agreement? How do you know she was controlling him? Taking from her post I only saw that she had no problem with him hanging out with other girls and she asked him what he was doing that day to which he said he was working - is asking someone what they will do controlling them?

I believe she trusted him, but found out he lied. I think she has every right to be mad. Stop shaming her into thinking she did something wrong, when HE lied to HER.

+1
This is spot on!

[ethelynn]

If I really, really felt he was hiding something important from me, I would not be "upset", I would break up with him. Which is what I think you should consider doing, too, if you REALLY think he is cheating - as well as lying about it. If he is not, you are being suspicius for no reason. You are naive to think you can controll your boyfriend's wherabouts and actions, especially in another country. You have to trust him, or not. He WILL lie to you if you are this obvious in your attempt to control him.

Since when is asking someone what they did an attempt to control them? That is just interest in other's day. How do you even trust someone who lies to you about where he goes? Or why is even lying the way to go? If you have a problem with something, you say so and get to an agremement about how things should be. Isn't that being in a healthy relationship, to talk about things that bother you and find a way rather than hide it and lie about it?

[nottheprincesspeach]

This is not your relationship though and you can't project everything that works for you onto them.

They had a deal of telling each other when they go out and instead of telling her that he was going out he told her that he was working, which is a blatant lie. If he is not okay with this agreement he has to tell her and they have to work on a different agreement.

Do you expect everyone to lie, because they disagree with an agreement? How do you know she was controlling him? Taking from her post I only saw that she had no problem with him hanging out with other girls and she asked him what he was doing that day to which he said he was working - is asking someone what they will do controlling them?

I believe she trusted him, but found out he lied. I think she has every right to be mad. Stop shaming her into thinking she did something wrong, when HE lied to HER.

Yes this, when you set boundaries in a relationship, like communicating when going out you do your best to keep them. You don't cut off communication, especially in an LDR, and you do your best to communicate how you feel, even if that means communicating that you feel pressured. Lying is a problem, if it wasn't just a "hey I worked then went to a bar" kind of thing, but the bigger problem is not communicating appropriately. At least to me. It is not someone else's fault when YOU do something. That is making excuses. He is the only one that decides his behavior. That does not fall on her. He should have communicated how he was feeling if he was feeling cornered.

[piratemama]

Yeah, I agree that lying is not good. There's no way to make excuses for it. I've told my SO that he and I can work out anything but lying. I've made it completely clear to him that even one lie is a dealbreaker for me, but that's because of issues in past relationships, including my last marriage. My experience with liars is that a person telling one lie will usually lie again.

Also, I have no respect for a man that can't tell you straight out what's going on without lying.

OP - I'm sorry this has happened. I'm sure this really hurts.

[ThePiedPiper]

I don't question him like he is a prisoner on probaton. I know he has contact with his ex, I also know he has contact with lots of attractive women, some of whom offer him sex. He volenteers information. I often ask how his day was. However, I would never check out his wherabouts. If I discovered he was not telling the truth I would assume he felt he could not be honest with me, and I would be more sad about that than upset about him lying. I hate dishonesty, but I am aware that I myself can produce it in others by my own behaviour. I know I have lied to people when I have felt preassured, even if I had not done anything wrong. If I really, really felt he was hiding something important from me, I would not be "upset", I would break up with him. Which is what I think you should consider doing, too, if you REALLY think he is cheating - as well as lying about it. If he is not, you are being suspicius for no reason. You are naive to think you can controll your boyfriend's wherabouts and actions, especially in another country. You have to trust him, or not. He WILL lie to you if you are this obvious in your attempt to control him.

But she didn't pressure him into lying or even question him initially. They had an agreement, terms he agreed to, and he blatantly lied to her in this situation, despite being honest in all other situations. Clearly that's different than her sitting and demanding he tell her his every move. Some couples are okay with keeping the other updated on when they're going out and where.

[Ahava]

Some couples are okay with keeping the other updated on when they're going out and where.

This.

OP: I'm really sorry to hear about your situation. Hoping for the best!
I think all you can do is try and get him to talk to you and explain.