Midlife Crises

[Hollandia]

David's first post was fine, but honestly, unless you know the guy she was dating in person you should refrain from saying what he thinks or feels, because you can't possibly know.

One of my bigget pet peeves.

The guy has never even spoken to her, he has ignored her, and now he has deleted her. I think it is more than fair to say what opinions some posters feel about the situation. If the OP did not wish to hear them, then she not have made multiple threads about the 19 year old. All post responses are based off of opinions, it is the nature of the beast.

[sarahjane1992]

David's first post was fine, but honestly, unless you know the guy she was dating in person you should refrain from saying what he thinks or feels, because you can't possibly know.

One of my bigget pet peeves.

Just because Davidvs doesn't know the 19 year old doesn't mean he can't offer his opinion. Of course nobody knows exactly what the 19 year old is thinking except him BUT Davidvs was just offering his opinion based on the information that the OP gave us. And this is to the OP: if you don't want our opinions, don't keep posting. Simple as that.

[silvermoonfairy3]

That's the only thing I can do now. Hopefully when he grows up more he'll stop toying with me.

I don't think he's "toying with you", I think you're reading into something that isn't there.
He used to want to talk, and now he doesn't. That's not toying with you, that's a change of interest/him moving on. It would be more "toying with you" if he didn't get in touch, and you let it go, and then he did just to get you interested again, and then stopped, etc. And even in that situation, you can only be "toyed with" if you let yourself.

I've been in a similar situation, but it wasn't LD. A guy I dated early on in my dating life, back when I was 17, was hot and cold on interest, and I was totally into him. I did things like you did.. tried to show him how wonderful I was, clung to any tiny little thing he said that was nice and took that to mean he was so interested, and basically in the process deluded myself into thinking there was more than there was. I had this entire fantasy in my head of the kind of guy he was, and what it would be like to date him for real when we were exclusive, but it was just that. A fantasy, projecting what I thought he could be like. (And yes, I'm a writer, too, so I have lots of power of imagination for that.)

Eventually, he got sick of my clinginess and wouldn't take my calls, and it was all a little messy. In retrospect, it was a silly 17 year old girl getting wrapped up in a new exciting romance thing, and in the process losing sight of self-respect and to an extent the realities of what was actually there.

Fast forward 13 years, and I can look at it for what it was.
He messaged me on facebook last year sometime, talking about how he'd love to catch up and he always considered me such a big part of his life, etc. I had no real interest in seeing him, and made some polite conversation, and when he realized I didn't want to hang out, he started guilt tripping, and saying that the girl he knew cared more about the people in her life, and her friends, and what had I become, etc. And I said simply that I still do care deeply for my friends, but we aren't friends. He blocked me, and then a few weeks later friend requested me again, and started liking things on all my friends pages, and stuff. I ignored it all, and didn't let myself get toyed with, and he slunk away.


Point in all this is, whether you think people here are attacking you or not, they're giving valid advice. You are being obsessive, and you are showing that you have no self respect whatsoever.
This guy is not interested. Maybe he was at one point, and I know it's hard because you remember the fun times. But people change, things change, and currently, he is not interested.
Sure, maybe it would be different if you were close-distance, but also, maybe it wouldn't. And in either case, you aren't, so there's no point in dwelling on it.

You deserve better, but the only way you're going to get it is if you stop obsessing about someone who isn't interested, and work on yourself. Take some time to develop respect for who you are, to be a person you like, and a person who's going to say "okay, this guy isn't messaging me back, ever? Guess he's not interested. Oh, well, his loss."
It's easier said than done, and we all get caught up sometimes in pining for things. But he's given you many clear signs, and it's well beyond time that you hold your head up and bow out gracefully.

Seriously. Let it go.

[silvermoonfairy3]

David's first post was fine, but honestly, unless you know the guy she was dating in person you should refrain from saying what he thinks or feels, because you can't possibly know.

One of my bigget pet peeves.

While I agree that no one ever really knows what another person feels, it's reasonable to make educated guesses based on their actions.

Indeed, the OP is making assumptions that the guy *is* interested, the same amount of interested that she is. Why are we more okay with her making guesses as to what the guy feels, and with less "evidence" of his actions to support her guess?

[ldrxoxo]

I don't think he's "toying with you", I think you're reading into something that isn't there.
He used to want to talk, and now he doesn't. That's not toying with you, that's a change of interest/him moving on. It would be more "toying with you" if he didn't get in touch, and you let it go, and then he did just to get you interested again, and then stopped, etc. And even in that situation, you can only be "toyed with" if you let yourself.

I've been in a similar situation, but it wasn't LD. A guy I dated early on in my dating life, back when I was 17, was hot and cold on interest, and I was totally into him. I did things like you did.. tried to show him how wonderful I was, clung to any tiny little thing he said that was nice and took that to mean he was so interested, and basically in the process deluded myself into thinking there was more than there was. I had this entire fantasy in my head of the kind of guy he was, and what it would be like to date him for real when we were exclusive, but it was just that. A fantasy, projecting what I thought he could be like. (And yes, I'm a writer, too, so I have lots of power of imagination for that.)

Eventually, he got sick of my clinginess and wouldn't take my calls, and it was all a little messy. In retrospect, it was a silly 17 year old girl getting wrapped up in a new exciting romance thing, and in the process losing sight of self-respect and to an extent the realities of what was actually there.

Fast forward 13 years, and I can look at it for what it was.
He messaged me on facebook last year sometime, talking about how he'd love to catch up and he always considered me such a big part of his life, etc. I had no real interest in seeing him, and made some polite conversation, and when he realized I didn't want to hang out, he started guilt tripping, and saying that the girl he knew cared more about the people in her life, and her friends, and what had I become, etc. And I said simply that I still do care deeply for my friends, but we aren't friends. He blocked me, and then a few weeks later friend requested me again, and started liking things on all my friends pages, and stuff. I ignored it all, and didn't let myself get toyed with, and he slunk away.


Point in all this is, whether you think people here are attacking you or not, they're giving valid advice. You are being obsessive, and you are showing that you have no self respect whatsoever.
This guy is not interested. Maybe he was at one point, and I know it's hard because you remember the fun times. But people change, things change, and currently, he is not interested.
Sure, maybe it would be different if you were close-distance, but also, maybe it wouldn't. And in either case, you aren't, so there's no point in dwelling on it.

You deserve better, but the only way you're going to get it is if you stop obsessing about someone who isn't interested, and work on yourself. Take some time to develop respect for who you are, to be a person you like, and a person who's going to say "okay, this guy isn't messaging me back, ever? Guess he's not interested. Oh, well, his loss."
It's easier said than done, and we all get caught up sometimes in pining for things. But he's given you many clear signs, and it's well beyond time that you hold your head up and bow out gracefully.

Seriously. Let it go.

Again, it is toying with me. The third time we talked things out he was sending me sexy pictures all night after we went weeks without talking and re-connected again. Seriously, do you not read anything I type or do you just want to put your two cents in like others who think they "know" the situation?

Last time I checked, saying he wants to be friends with me, but doesn't make efforts to be friends with me, then when he does talk to me he still sends me his pictures...um that's the definition of toying. So I didn't bother reading the rest of your story book of pointless things.

[ldrxoxo]

And P.S. the last time we officially had a good talk, he was saying things like, all we can do is send these pictures "for now" as if he was saying there was room for the future. Last time I checked, that's toying with someone if they don't really mean it. Um, he did keep me interested even with weeks without talking and when we talked again he still acted like there was hope. I was the one saying I don't know if I'm ever going to see him with the way work has been calling me off and he kept saying, "Don't talk like that."

Do you arrogant posters not even read the important details of my post? Like, seriously...and do you not read my replies to others that I have said already all I can do is wait to see for now if he'll talk to me again.

I feel like some of you posters just want to call someone an obsessed person or something like that just because you feel like it. I appreciate those who have actually helped me talk it out and think about it more. I do not appreciate long paragraphs of misread implications.

[snow]

The guy has never even spoken to her, he has ignored her, and now he has deleted her. I think it is more than fair to say what opinions some posters feel about the situation. If the OP did not wish to hear them, then she not have made multiple threads about the 19 year old. All post responses are based off of opinions, it is the nature of the beast.

Just because Davidvs doesn't know the 19 year old doesn't mean he can't offer his opinion. Of course nobody knows exactly what the 19 year old is thinking except him BUT Davidvs was just offering his opinion based on the information that the OP gave us. And this is to the OP: if you don't want our opinions, don't keep posting. Simple as that.

While I agree that no one ever really knows what another person feels, it's reasonable to make educated guesses based on their actions.

Indeed, the OP is making assumptions that the guy *is* interested, the same amount of interested that she is. Why are we more okay with her making guesses as to what the guy feels, and with less "evidence" of his actions to support her guess?

Opinions are fine, but then voice them as an opinion, not as a fact. You can say that you think this person might feel this way or that his actions lead you to believe that he might feel this way, but never ever can you say that it is a fact. You simply don't know what he feels - especially in this case, when you don't know the person.

No, he does not feel the same way. I am sorry, but he doesn't. At first, he may have, but not anymore. You need to accept that and move on

This is what I take issue with. He can't possibly know what he feels, period.

[Ahava]

Again, it is toying with me. The third time we talked things out he was sending me sexy pictures all night after we went weeks without talking and re-connected again. Seriously, do you not read anything I type or do you just want to put your two cents in like others who think they "know" the situation?

Last time I checked, saying he wants to be friends with me, but doesn't make efforts to be friends with me, then when he does talk to me he still sends me his pictures...um that's the definition of toying. So I didn't bother reading the rest of your story book of pointless things.

You are IMMATURE and RUDE. Just this last bit, how you attacked Silvermoonfairy who was giving great and sincere advice and who also told you something very personal that happened to her in the past which she thought might have helped you. And selfish and selfcentered.

[dglynn77]

This is what I take issue with. He can't possibly know what he feels, period.

He can't "know" what he feels, true. But at this point I think people were just (hopelessly) trying to actually help the poster move on. You CANNOT move on while living in a fairy-tale past. I think people wanted to help nicer a million posts ago, but now they are just frustrated that common sense and reasoning are thrown out the window. Do they "know" exactly? No. But they do know it is 99% rule, and the OP's chances of being the 1% exception are so slim that if she were the exception she would not keep posting here...

[NI_USA_love]

So I read the new posts on this forum every day and I've been keeping up with this entire saga. As snow said there is no way anyone can actually know what this boy is thinking unless they are him, however seeing as this is all posted publicly and I can't suppress my opinion anymore I'm just going to share it.

The third time we talked things out he was sending me sexy pictures all night after we went weeks without talking and re-connected again.
....
the last time we officially had a good talk, he was saying things like, all we can do is send these pictures "for now" as if he was saying there was room for the future.

You meet online. You are never exclusive, but you share sexytimes quickly. This is exciting for him. He stops talking to you when it gets more intense, but then pops up occasionally and wants to share sexy pictures. And when you start freaking out on him at that point he splits presumably forever.

I'm just going to say, I think perhaps he was fairly invested in the sexual nature of your relationship. Hey, I can't know this for sure, I admit that, I'm just offering a different perspective that I don't think has been touched on so far.

Take care of yourself, OP.

[Davidvs]

Snow, I understand what you are saying, and yes, I don't know what the guy feels and what I wrote is purely speculation on my part, backed up with her descriptions of his actions.

On an anonymous message board, where none of us know each other, the "in my opinion" should be understood as being in every single post. It's just a matter of writing it explicitly or allowing it to just be inferred. It's really just a matter of writing style.

[silvermoonfairy3]

Again, it is toying with me. The third time we talked things out he was sending me sexy pictures all night after we went weeks without talking and re-connected again. Seriously, do you not read anything I type or do you just want to put your two cents in like others who think they "know" the situation?

Last time I checked, saying he wants to be friends with me, but doesn't make efforts to be friends with me, then when he does talk to me he still sends me his pictures...um that's the definition of toying. So I didn't bother reading the rest of your story book of pointless things.

Well, if you had read the next line of my story book of pointless things, you'd have seen the sentence that says even if it is "toying with you," you can only be "toyed with" if you let yourself.

He says he wants to be friends and then doesn't get in touch.. so let him not get in touch. And then if he gets in touch and wants sexy pics, you can decline and say he said he just wanted to be friends and you'd prefer to just talk. You're not forced to let yourself be swept up in his actions.

Additionally, you got defensive and pissy earlier and said that you wanted to hear if people had been in this situation. And I said yes, I have, and I did things just like you did, and they were obsessive and crazy when I did them, and they're obsessive and crazy when you're doing them.

That doesn't mean you're overall an obsessive or crazy person, just that you have done/are doing some obsessive actions, and you need to work on that.

As for this part:

I have said already all I can do is wait to see for now if he'll talk to me again.

No, that's not all you can do, and in fact, that's the part allowing yourself to be toyed with. YOU can end contact. YOU can choose to say to yourself, "I don't deserve to be treated like this." YOU can decide you're worthy, and not sit around hoping that some guy will deign to give you some attention.

P.S. the last time we officially had a good talk, he was saying things like, all we can do is send these pictures "for now" as if he was saying there was room for the future. Last time I checked, that's toying with someone if they don't really mean it.

And if he meant it at the time, and has since changed his mind?

I do not appreciate long paragraphs of misread implications.

Let me know when those show up. All I've seen are long paragraphs of objective advice based on the scenarios you have described.

[ldrxoxo]

This is just a waste of my time going back and for with certain people who don't bother to read the whole story and seem to skip out on the most important details. If he really wasn't interested as you claim, then I would have just left it at that. Like I said for the millionth time, whenever we talked, he still seemed interested he just couldn't handle the distance. Honestly, I feel like some of you really do just itch to call people obsessed, crazy, etc. In fact, I'm not going to lie that I am obsessed. I even say so in my stories that I am and whenever people read them they don't seem to insult me for it because they understand my longing.

Everyone who reads our stories know that I am, he knows that I am and I'm not going to deny it. My obsession didn't drive him away.

What drove him away was that I kept saying it's killing me not knowing when I'll be able to see him and there is nothing he can do right now about seeing each other in person.

[Hollandia]

@Snow. I have no beef with you but seriously this is a forum and everything every poster ever puts on here is an opinion. We don't have to state that because common sense should already allow it to be known and for the record...that is my opinion. Do you really want to hear that at the end of every single post? It would be eaiser if there was just some disclaimer somewhere about how everything that is said in here are just opinions. So.... consider this my disclamier. Everything I ever say is my opinion. So if I say, It is bloody cold here today. It does not mean I am a meteorologist and willing to swear to that on a stack of bibles, it means I think it is cold today but I prefer not to have to word it as such so it is inferred by being posted on forum.

@OP. It is pretty clear now that you are just thriving off this attention and you seem to love the drama and negative energy these toxic threads cause. If you ask for advice, then take it with a grain of salt or not and go forward. You have attacked at least 3 more posters on this thread that have all tried to give you advice you asked for. You simply only like hearing what you want to hear. No matter how many times you make a new thread or attack more posters most are still just going to tell you what they think and sorry, but you probably won't like it.

Since you know that he is just toying with you in your mind, then why are you even asking for more advice? He is ignoring and deleting you. Posters don't forget being attacked by other posters, just as you won't forget neither will they. I know I won't forget these threads.

And De Nile is not just a river in Egypt. He never even SPOKE to you.

[80anthea]

Genuine question, you've never spoken to him....how do you actually know he's a 19yr old and not some person making money from your "sexy" photos?