Interactions with the Opposite Sex

[Freebird]

I have to get something off my chest.

A couple of days ago, my BF told me he went to a nice dinner with a friend. Just the two of them. The friend was a female. He then said how the waiter asked if he was popping a question to her, laughed, and called it awkward.

First, I appreciate that my boyfriend told me this. I don't want him to hide anything from me and I refuse to hide anything from him because we had a brief falling out earlier this year. I truly love and respect him, so I'm not keeping anything inside anymore. I want our relationship to work.

However, I got jealous and quite upset. I've been having anxiety this week and things that usually would not bother me have been. This was the icing on the cake. When I saw this text from him, I could hardly breathe. I had an ex cheat on me and this just brought back flashbacks. I know my boyfriend is not my ex, but I cannot help my feelings.

Yesterday we talked about it, I got feeling better. He was going through something important today and I didn't want to mention it because I didn't want to be selfish, but I just had to get it off my chest. I do feel bad for brining it up today and apologized to him for that... but I feel better now that it's off my chest.

I told him that I found one-on-one dinners with the opposite sex quite intimate in my opinion and that, personally, I wouldn't do it. But I told him to be him. He said he'll be more considered, but then mentioned several times there was nothing going on and she was just a friend. I do believe him, I have no reason not to believe him.

But what I feel still stands- one on one with the opposite sex is too intimate for my taste. I have PLENTY of male friends but I would NEVER go out to dinner with only one of them. I once canceled a movie outting with one of my very good guy friends because everyone else canceled and I thought it would be disrespectful of my boyfriend.

And his details of the dinner (I almost typed date there, goes to show how I think about it...) about it being "nice" and how the waiter asked him if he was "popping a question" really didn't make me happy. It was almost as if he was rubbing it in my face... and it hurts more than I think he knows even after talking to him about it. I am in a different country. I want nothing more than to just be able to hug, kiss, and go to dinner!

Sigh. Sorry for the rant.

I just want to know... am I over reacting? If so, please feel free to slap some sense into me. I'm from Texas, he's from the UK... difference in culture going on here? I just don't think it's ok. I want this to be a serious relationship and for me, him going on one-on-ones with females bothers me.

[Hollandia]

Was it a romantic place? Waiters don't do that in pubs. I don't think taking her to a romantic place is really fair to you.

[Freebird]

Was it a romantic place? Waiters don't do that in pubs. I don't think taking her to a romantic place is really fair to you.

I'm honestly not sure what kind of place it was. I just know it was a restaurant of some sort, but the setting must have been in a way that "popping a question", as the waiter thought, wouldn't be too out of place.

[differentcountries]

I have male, hetero friends that I am really, intimately close to, without there being romantic feelings between us. Although I love women, guys gives another energy and I have always craved close male friends, ever since I was a girl and older guys used to "adopt" me. Me and my friends will sometimes go out to dinner one on one or cook at home. There is nothing strange about that because I am introvert and I very much crave one on one time with friends, to talk properly and even be physically intimate (I am a hugger). Me and a male friend was once mistaken for a couple, which I get because we go along wery well and you can sense that our vibe is intimate, though it is not romantic at all, but not everyone will notice the difference in body language/lack of physical attraction.

My SOs best friend is a woman, they go out together when they see each other. I am not sure if they go to "romantic places" but I they go to eat dinner and I am sure she takes him where she has taken her husband because she sure loves that place (she has taken me there, too). I have seen their dynamic, I am not jealous of it, she acts like his older sister. He also have some other female friends, like his favourite costumer which I adore, she sees him as sort of her son.

I am sure the waiter misunderstood because of their closeness, not something he did. I am also sure he did not mean to rub anything in your face, but to inform you that yes, he has close relations with other women. He should probably have not said it so outright as he did, but rather have phrazed it like "people sometimes misunderstand" or "that silly waiter, of course I would want to do romantic gestures to YOU if anyone".

I totally get being insecure and needing some kind of reassurance. I also get that jealousy can be triggered from not being in the best of places. I have been jealous over the distance, too, and suspected him of being inconsiderate/dropping hints - like mentioning of his sort of ex in winter, letting me know about a sexual advance from a customer in spring, and in July seeing another customer practically hitting on him (it did however help that he seemed not at all interested in her). Perhaps you can have a little talk with him about phrazing things. I reminded SO once that he can be quite sensitive about the words I use, and so it is only fair that he should try to sometimes think before he talks, too. Kind words soften a true and harsh message.

[silvermoonfairy3]

I'll start off by saying that I just got in from dinner alone with one of my good male friends. :P

Also, sometimes we even pay for each other. It's just one of those things we do. I'll pay for coffees when we're out, he'll pick up the movie tickets if we go to the movies. Tonight we just split the check, but there are times I've treated him for no real reason, and he treats me sometimes for no real reason. It's just how our friendship is.

I've met this particular male friend's girlfriend, and she's awesome, and partly why I think that is that she doesn't get threatened or try to put a stop to me and his hang outs. We don't go out like every night or anything like that, but we'll grab dinner or coffee every few weeks, often alone, sometimes with other mutual friends. (And of course his girlfriend is [usually] welcome.. she's joined a few times and others she has her own thing going on and doesn't.)

It's your right to be bothered by anything that bothers you, you don't need to feel like you "shouldn't" feel something.
That said, it's also his right to hang out alone with female friends if he wants (if he's being honest with you) and he has a right to expect you to trust him.

I had an ex cheat on me and it totally messed with my trust for a long time (and still kinda does, now and then) but personally I think it's healthy for men and women to have opposite sex friends. It shows they can interact and understand their friends on a level beyond just wanting to have sex.

I also think it's generally pretty unhealthy for partners to start putting big stipulations on who their partner can hang out with, or when, or how. (Not saying you're going to do that.) And, the person being restricted often starts to resent it or feel smothered.

So, I think my advice would be, ask yourself if there are ways you can work on things to be more okay with it. For his part, it sounds like he'll think a bit more about whether he goes out with female friends alone as often, so that's a good start from his side. I think if I were him I probably wouldn't have mentioned the popping-question thing the waiter asked, but it sounds like he did just want to be honest with you, and maybe that he even thought it was funny.

I wouldn't worry about it too much, tbh. If there starts to be a lot of these dinners with just this girl, or other big warnings signs all colliding, then revisit. Otherwise, assume the best.

[Freebird]

I understand that's how some people's relationships with their friends are. That's fine- for them.

I just find that sort of closeness with the opposite sex uncomfortable, and I don't think I'd ever find it NOT uncomfortable. I would say 9/10 of my friends are males. If 9/10 of his friends were female, I'd care less. When they start doing one-on-one activities, it's just weird. Maybe lunch would be ok. I'd be ok with lunch.

The movies? Dinner? No. These are classical "date" activities. I'm sorry but I'm just not good with it. At all. Heck I'd rather him go out with 10 girls at once! I go out with my group of guy friends! Just not one with one!

That said, I absolutely do not want to control him. This is just the way I am, and after a little more thought and getting my feelings out, I am going to stick with my feelings. If he's a certain way, or believes differently, that's the way he is. However, how big that difference is will determine whether we will be a successful couple. I think some type of middle ground will need to be established, sooner or later.

I sincerely love and respect him- of course I don't want him to bend to my every will He wouldn't be him then. But I'm not going to live in discomfort.

Thanks for the replies. They are appreciated.

[silvermoonfairy3]

Ah, okay, so you don't actually want to be told you're overreacting, you want to be told you're right, absolutely, guys and girls shouldn't hang out alone.

That said, I absolutely do not want to control him. This is just the way I am, and after a little more thought and getting my feelings out, I am going to stick with my feelings. If he's a certain way, or believes differently, that's the way he is. However, how big that difference is will determine whether we will be a successful couple.

Indeed. I've known plenty of guys who break up with girlfriends because of the smothering or the constant being questioned or not being allowed to go out with female friends. It's just a dealbreaker/unsuccessful couple thing for some. Hopefully not the case for your SO.

Best of luck.

[rubydissolution]

K I'm sorry when did movies and dinner become solely date activities? When you are getting together with friends or a friend, dinner is a great place to sit down and catch up. It doesn't have to be at all romantic. Just two friends getting dinner. I've done it with my male friends. Hell I've gone out to dinner with my ex who is also a friend. My boyfriend has no issues with it.

Movies? There are just some people who aren't comfortable going to the movies alone. And I don't know about other people but as I've gotten older getting a group together for any activity has become difficult. You find someone who wants to see it and you go. No fuss no muss.

You are over reacting here and you need to let your insecurities go. Guys and girls can be friends with nothing in between them. And if you trust your SO you need to get over it. I went through this recently, but the friend in question was an ex f*ck buddy. I had reason to feel uncomfortable. You don't.

[Freebird]

Ah, okay, so you don't actually want to be told you're overreacting, you want to be told you're right, absolutely, guys and girls shouldn't hang out alone.

I get a vibe of (unnecessary) snarkyness from your comment. I did not mean to say to NOT tell me I'm overreacting. I sure as hell could be. I've been in a state of constant anxiety this week, before this event, and it could be clouding my judgment and emotions. I am on the defense.

Regardless, the situation makes me uncomfortable. I think I have a right to feel a certain way. That said, I may need to calm down and address the situation from a different point of view.

K I'm sorry when did movies and dinner become solely date activities? When you are getting together with friends or a friend, dinner is a great place to sit down and catch up. It doesn't have to be at all romantic. Just two friends getting dinner. I've done it with my male friends. Hell I've gone out to dinner with my ex who is also a friend. My boyfriend has no issues with it.

Movies? There are just some people who aren't comfortable going to the movies alone. And I don't know about other people but as I've gotten older getting a group together for any activity has become difficult. You find someone who wants to see it and you go. No fuss no muss.

You are over reacting here and you need to let your insecurities go. Guys and girls can be friends with nothing in between them. And if you trust your SO you need to get over it. I went through this recently, but the friend in question was an ex f*ck buddy. I had reason to feel uncomfortable. You don't.

Movies and dinner, in my eyes, unless you're going out with a same-sex buddy or a group of friends, just seems like a date activity. One on one with another guy? I just wouldn't do it. That's me. People have different point of views. If my boyfriend went out with an ex, now THAT would be a deal breaker for me.

Do I need to let my insecurities go? Yes. I do. I need to work on it. But there is a line.

Anyway, SO has not given me a reason to not trust him. I do trust him. And I appreciate that he was open about it. I will make sure he knows this.

[rubydissolution]

You have an extremely narrow minded view of friendship. Exactly why can't he have the same sort of friendship with a female as a male? Think about this. Exactly what activity would you be comfortable doing one on one with a female friend? Hanging out at his place watching a movie? Going for a long walk alone? How about a picnic? I would think the thought of these situations would mortify you. Why? because they are an intimate hang out. Going out to dinner is in a public place, there is limited contact...not intimate. Going to a movie...yes they sit next to each other, but still not intimate. You have these preconceived notion that only males and females going on dates frequent the movie theater, and yes they are typical date locations, but that isn't all they cater too! Friends are friends because they share interests, and they get on well. Maybe in his case, him and his friend enjoy the same taste in food, or enjoy the same movies....why can't they take advantage of that? It's wrong to put a limit on your SOs friendships and his interactions with those friends. I understand that you don't like it and it's not ok in your PoV, but in his much like mine he probably doesn't see anything wrong with it. Maybe, you should try see it from his eyes.

Here's another scenario. So, what if your boyfriend wanted to hang out with a guy friend who was also a homosexual? Would it be as big a deal as him hanging out with a female?

Also...as I said in my previous post, as you get older getting groups together to hang out gets harder. People get married, have kids, careers....all take up free time. Finding a time, and date to get a group together to see a movie is just difficult. I have a hard time even scheduling a play date with a single friend because our schedules clash. However it is easier to make that time with a single person. Are you going to make him wait days, weeks, months for him to see his friend because he can't get a group together to hang out? It's just not fair to him. Also group settings, have a group mentality. It's hard to get one of the people alone enough to really catch up on life.

[Dezface]

I think a lot of it depends on the place. I've gone out to dinner with male friends. But they weren't "romantic" places. They were bars or casual family chain restaurants. I would be uncomfortable going to a "nice" place with a male friend. But that's me and I can see how for others that wouldn't be an issue.

[Freebird]

You have an extremely narrow minded view of friendship. Exactly why can't he have the same sort of friendship with a female as a male? Think about this. Exactly what activity would you be comfortable doing one on one with a female friend? Hanging out at his place watching a movie? Going for a long walk alone? How about a picnic? I would think the thought of these situations would mortify you. Why? because they are an intimate hang out. Going out to dinner is in a public place, there is limited contact...not intimate. Going to a movie...yes they sit next to each other, but still not intimate. You have these preconceived notion that only males and females going on dates frequent the movie theater, and yes they are typical date locations, but that isn't all they cater too! Friends are friends because they share interests, and they get on well. Maybe in his case, him and his friend enjoy the same taste in food, or enjoy the same movies....why can't they take advantage of that? It's wrong to put a limit on your SOs friendships and his interactions with those friends. I understand that you don't like it and it's not ok in your PoV, but in his much like mine he probably doesn't see anything wrong with it. Maybe, you should try see it from his eyes.

Here's another scenario. So, what if your boyfriend wanted to hang out with a guy friend who was also a homosexual? Would it be as big a deal as him hanging out with a female?

Put like that, I can see where you are coming from.

Perhaps I am thinking the worst when that situation isn't even a reality in this case. Just, from a state of anxiety and remembering what an ex did (though I do realize it's not fair for me to compare my ex to my current boyfriend, especially when my current boyfriend has done nothing to purposefully hurt me), it's not always easy to just let it go. I just don't want to find myself in that situation ever again but realize he is his own person and I don't want him to think I'm smothering him or demanding something from him. And no, I don't think I would care if he went out with a homosexual friend.

I had to stop myself and put myself in another situation. What if my long time guy friend, who is originally from my town, went to the army together, got out together, back in the same town, wants to hang out one day. We no longer have the group to hang out with that we did when we were in the army. I do suppose I would still want to hang out with him from a strictly platonic place because I sure as heck don't like the guy anymore than that!

[rubydissolution]

I understand the insecurities. Like i said I recently had to come to terms with my own. My bf recently came back into contact with a friend of his, who was more then just friends. They had been friends with benefits. She was reaching out to him because she was depressed and suicidal...etc. In the back of my mind I was thinking, "she's using this crap to insert herself back into his life." Which it appeared she was doing because they started talking daily. My anxiety hit the roof. Finally we had a lengthy conversation in which he told me them sleeping together ruined their friendship and he very much wanted to try to regain that friendship. However, he understood my insecurities and told her that he couldn't be there for her all the time. Since then they haven't talked as much, and I feel a lot better.

In your case, I would let him know it makes you uncomfortable but you understand where he is coming from. And that you appreciate him telling you about the hang out and want him to continue to do things like that in the future when it comes to female hang outs. Good Luck =)

[Moon]

You know what? Sometimes, when you're LD, you miss out on certain things you like to do, like dinner or a movie, because they aren't fun to do alone. It's nice to have people to do them with between visits, and I think it was rubydissolution who said a few posts ago that as you get older, getting together with a group of friends becomes hard to do; she's absolutely right. I don't really disagree with your thinking, I see your point, but if they were friends and did these things before he got together with you, I think you need to make some concessions.

You're thinking with a societal views that dinner or movies is romantic, but I think you should think about that again. What, exactly, makes dinner more date-like than lunch? In both situations you're going to a restaurant and eating, it's just that you've been conditioned to think dinner means a date, but in reality it's no different than any other meal And the movies...also a classic date-type scenario, but think about it...when you go to the movies, you sit and watch the movie with very little interaction with each other. Hell, bowling is more intimate than a movie, or even mini-golf is more interactive. But, going to the movies alone just feels lame, so he grabbed his friend.

You're entitled to feel uncomfortable, but try to understand that if they were friends before you, and these are usual things for them, that's kind of unfair to him to try stopping it. If he was trying to make new female friends, and going out with them one-on-one, then you have a justifiable argument, in my opinion.

[VeraRyan]

My SO sometimes has trouble w the way I interact with guys here. I think it has something to do with culture too. I feel like here we think more free and make our own decision without necessarily thinking a lot about what your SO thinks of it...

As long as you two can talk about it and he doesnt change the way he acts towards you, you're fine