Interactions with the Opposite Sex

[Hollandia]

I was not there, of course, so I do not know the entire dialog. He told me that when the waiter asked that, he laughed and told him they were only friends. I am unsure of if mentioned me or, perhaps sadly, if he ever mentions me to his friends. I wonder if that other girl even knows I exist. I asked him once if his friends or family know about me. He said he hasn't told his family but his friends know. But which friends? I will never know. But that's a new topic altogether.

He recently said to me she's "practically married". I guess that makes me feel better (or it was supposed to). However today I tried to put this behind us. I will just watch for these sorts of interactions in the future.



Yeah, no. Absolutely not. I do not think that is ok at all. I respect that you feel that way, but that is a big bold no go for me and my guy and nothing would make that ok.

He should not be hanging out with her and not telling her he has a SO, whether she is almost married or not. That is no different than pretending to be single. He does not need to go into detail but if you are exclusive then people need to know that there is a person who already fills that spot.

[snow]

He should not be hanging out with her and not telling her he has a SO, whether she is almost married or not. That is no different than pretending to be single. He does not need to go into detail but if you are exclusive then people need to know that there is a person who already fills that spot.

Why should he not hang out with a good friend? Just because some waiter thought he was going to propose?
This is being blown way out of proportion.
Do you really tell every single person who asks about a person you are with that you are happily engaged/have a partner/etc.? I think him saying that they are just friends was enough. Not everyone needs to know your life story and frankly, I doubt anyone other than your friends really cares. He didn't hide anything and he told her after it happened. Stop making this into a big deal.

When it comes to not telling his family - that is a whole nother story. You've been together for 3 years.. at some point he has to tell them and if he is not, then I would pry there and forget some nosy waiter.

[emsimes]

I don't think there is anything wrong with men and women being friends and going out to dinner/movies one-on-one. I do it all the time with my male friends, and my SO goes out with his female friends, as well. It doesn't bother either of us.
I understand that people have trust issues due to past relationships, but you can't let that affect your current relationship. To the OP: I think the waiter probably meant it as a joke. He told the waiter they were just friends, and he told you he was going out to dinner with this friend. I don't think he did anything wrong. I know it can be easier said than done, but just trust him

I may get some flack for this, but honestly, what is the big deal with men and women being friends? If you don't trust your SO hanging out with a member of the opposite sex, why are you with him/her? Especially if your SO has never given you a reason not to trust him/her. Putting restrictions on your SO will just make him/her resent you in the end :/

[Gonçalo]

I would never, ever, go out with someone from the opposite sex while I was in a relationship, it's disrespectful for my partner, and even more disrespectful if my partner doesn't know it beforehand. I don't care if some of you people don't find anything wrong about it (which doesn't give you the right to say that she has an "extremely narrow minded view of friendship"), it's how I view things, and how most or actually all the people I know view it. Of course my girlfriend would get jealous, it's a damn one-on-one dinner at a restaurant. It's just not right when it's with a woman. And in the case you're gay, it's not okay if it's with a man, and vice-verse.

So I leave the question, you guys who think she has an "extremely narrow minded view of friendship", would you be okay if you were married and your husband/wife would just tell you she was having dinner with a friend from the opposite sex... alone? I don't think so... if you do, oh well, congratulations but you're not like most of the people I know, certainly.

[Freebird]

Just a random thought... maybe my problem isn't that I don't trust my SO.. but that I don't trust other women! Ha! Stay the heck away from my man, yes he's nice, and he's mine! (and I say that in jest, so no one freak out, please)!

The more I put myself in a different point of view, the more I accept this opposite-sex one-on-one outing deal. Perhaps it's my culture/social upbringing that initially made it taboo for me. With my guy friend, I can think of a few places I'd go with just him as completely platonic friends. He's like the brother I sorta always wanted LOL. But, it also depends on the place. Just trying to be open and understand from a different view point. My boyfriend is far more extroverted than me so he probably thinks open all the time.

I now know that he absolutely did not mean to rub anything in my face and did not mean to do anything wrong (and no, I'm not saying he did do something wrong) because since my "freaking out" he has constantly been checking up on me to make sure I truly am ok.

Why should he not hang out with a good friend? Just because some waiter thought he was going to propose?
This is being blown way out of proportion.
Do you really tell every single person who asks about a person you are with that you are happily engaged/have a partner/etc.? I think him saying that they are just friends was enough. Not everyone needs to know your life story and frankly, I doubt anyone other than your friends really cares. He didn't hide anything and he told her after it happened. Stop making this into a big deal.

When it comes to not telling his family - that is a whole nother story. You've been together for 3 years.. at some point he has to tell them and if he is not, then I would pry there and forget some nosy waiter.

Sorry a bit confused... was this directed towards me as well as Hollandia? Seems like our replies are getting mixed together in your post.

At this point my anxieties and issues about this particular issue have passed. I have apologized to my SO for overreacting but let him know I was uncomfortable with the situation and needed to work on my insecurities. I thanked him for being open. The only thing I have gained from this is to watch out for frequent one-on-ones, but honestly as long as he is open I feel we will be ok. Still, I'd appreciate a limit to the one-on-ones but I'm not saying he can't have them to catch up with a friend. Frequent ones I will not be ok with.

My BF and I have only been together a little more than one year. I'm not too concerned with him telling his family right now about our relationship for reasons he explained before.

I may get some flack for this, but honestly, what is the big deal with men and women being friends? If you don't trust your SO hanging out with a member of the opposite sex, why are you with him/her? Especially if your SO has never given you a reason not to trust him/her. Putting restrictions on your SO will just make him/her resent you in the end :/

There is nothing wrong with men and women being friends... They can hang out. Most of my friends are male.

But the frequency of the interaction, if it's a one-on-one, where they go, what they do, all comes into play. It's not just black and white.

There are limits. Middle ground. When you're in a relationship with someone, you both make sacrifices. If a partner is uncomfortable with something, you consider their feelings. If you're not willing to consider a loved-ones feelings and respect that, you aren't ready to be in a committed relationship. Just my honest opinion.

Again, I can trust him 100% but I would still not be ok with him taking a girl out to Paris for a weekend. It's the principle of the matter!

I understand that people have trust issues due to past relationships, but you can't let that affect your current relationship. To the OP: I think the waiter probably meant it as a joke. He told the waiter they were just friends, and he told you he was going out to dinner with this friend. I don't think he did anything wrong. I know it can be easier said than done, but just trust him

Agreed. But, he told me after the fact actually. Still, I thank and respect his openness. If he was not open and I found out, then we would have a real problem.

[R&R]

So I leave the question, you guys who think she has an "extremely narrow minded view of friendship", would you be okay if you were married and your husband/wife would just tell you she was having dinner with a friend from the opposite sex... alone? I don't think so... if you do, oh well, congratulations but you're not like most of the people I know, certainly.

I would have no issue with it. My ex-husband (and the reason he is an ex has nothing to do with other women) and one of my best friends who is female both hike and I don't have an interest. They both wanted to go hiking and were looking for someone to go with - and it was me who suggested they go together. They spent the whole day in the mountains and I enjoyed a day to myself and had dinner ready for when they got back. I trusted him, I trusted her and it worked out great for all of us.

[silvermoonfairy3]

So I leave the question, you guys who think she has an "extremely narrow minded view of friendship", would you be okay if you were married and your husband/wife would just tell you she was having dinner with a friend from the opposite sex... alone?

Absolutely.
Unless there were some sort of weird circumstances, like they were going out alone all the time, or it was someone that was behaving wildly inappropriately with my husband, then sure. Go for it.

Also, both me and my SO travel for work. Sometimes that means ending up having dinner alone with an opposite-sex colleague or an opposite-sex friend that it's the town we're traveling to.

Speaking of work, there was a woman and a man I used to work with that were both happily married to other people, and they were very good friends at work, to the point where a person in a different department thought they were married to each other. They told their partners about it, and it became a running joke between the four of them (and people who worked with them in our department.)

if you do, oh well, congratulations but you're not like most of the people I know, certainly.

Not to sound patronizing, but I bet as you get older that will be less the case.

[Hollandia]

Why should he not hang out with a good friend? Just because some waiter thought he was going to propose?
This is being blown way out of proportion.
Do you really tell every single person who asks about a person you are with that you are happily engaged/have a partner/etc.? I think him saying that they are just friends was enough. Not everyone needs to know your life story and frankly, I doubt anyone other than your friends really cares. He didn't hide anything and he told her after it happened. Stop making this into a big deal.

When it comes to not telling his family - that is a whole nother story. You've been together for 3 years.. at some point he has to tell them and if he is not, then I would pry there and forget some nosy waiter.

The point is, does this person know he is not single? She's a female friends he sees all the time, it is different.To not tell her because she won't care is a cop out. Also whether or not there is a line being crossed when a waiter thought it okay to ask that question and risk loss of tip or complaint is more than a nosy waiter, it's one that felt secure enough that it was okay to answer that question under circumstances, so why?

If the OP is okay with it, that is all that matters. I would not be.

[differentcountries]

I would never, ever, go out with someone from the opposite sex while I was in a relationship, it's disrespectful for my partner, and even more disrespectful if my partner doesn't know it beforehand. I don't care if some of you people don't find anything wrong about it (which doesn't give you the right to say that she has an "extremely narrow minded view of friendship"), it's how I view things, and how most or actually all the people I know view it. Of course my girlfriend would get jealous, it's a damn one-on-one dinner at a restaurant. It's just not right when it's with a woman. And in the case you're gay, it's not okay if it's with a man, and vice-verse.

So I leave the question, you guys who think she has an "extremely narrow minded view of friendship", would you be okay if you were married and your husband/wife would just tell you she was having dinner with a friend from the opposite sex... alone? I don't think so... if you do, oh well, congratulations but you're not like most of the people I know, certainly.

When I was 18, this kind of attitude used to brother me. If I was alone with a guy for more than 5 minutes there was a sexual interpretation of the situation. Past 30, that attitude is not very useful. I have two boyfriends, they both trust me to not do anything behind their backs.

With your example of being gay, a gay man could only have female (or straight male?) friends. That is not how it works. Then gay people would be isolated. I actually know someone in the gay community with that kind of attitude, they are known by other lesbians as "the drama couple ".

[Freebird]

I want to say that some people are more open than others. No one can or should expect everyone to see things their way. This is a diverse forum and that's why I like it.

Open relationships, multiple boyfriends, comfortable with flirting with people already in a relationship... If that works for you, kudos to you. For me, that's very taboo and not even in the question. My SO would not bring it up so I won't even use him as an example, but if I was dating someone and he brought up one of those things and was seriously inquiring about it with me, our relationship would be done that second. That's how NOT ok it is with me.

Not everyone is like that (and I'm not saying anyone is pushing those ideas on others, I definitely don't see that happening here), and not everyone is so open. Nor do they have to be that open. If they don't want their partner having ANY contact with the opposite sex then that's between them and their SO. If they want more contact with the opposite then that is also between them and their SO. Other people shouldn't try to condemn either viewpoint. I'm not seeing anyone doing that here exactly, only people giving their opinions which is totally fine. I just wanted to bring this up.

What I'm trying to get at is, because of different cultures, ages, social upbringings, beliefs etc etc it's probably easier for some people to find the ideas of one-on-ones or relationships with the opposite sex just fine while other people don't think it's ok at all. If Gonçalo doesn't think it's ok, they have every right to not think it's ok. If someone else on the polar opposite thinks even flirting or dating others while in a relationship is ok, then they have every right to think it is ok.

It's OK to think differently.

Also whether or not there is a line being crossed when a waiter thought it okay to ask that question and risk loss of tip or complaint is more than a nosy waiter, it's one that felt secure enough that it was okay to answer that question under circumstances, so why?

If the OP is okay with it, that is all that matters. I would not be.

Honestly I think you may be giving the waiter too much benefit of the doubt. Some people are just blatantly dumb!

I have moved on from this little event for the most part. My thing now is to watch out for future one-on-ones and the nature of those activities. I think my SO has gotten the point that it makes me uncomfortable (and while I need to work on HOW uncomfortable it makes me, I don't think I'd ever be 100% ok with this happening on a regular basis) and will take that into consideration in the future. As I will take into consideration that he does have friends of the opposite sex, as do I, and things can be nothing more than platonic.

[Hollandia]

I want to say that some people are more open than others. No one can or should expect everyone to see things their way. This is a diverse forum and that's why I like it.

Open relationships, multiple boyfriends, comfortable with flirting with people already in a relationship... If that works for you, kudos to you. For me, that's very taboo and not even in the question. My SO would not bring it up so I won't even use him as an example, but if I was dating someone and he brought up one of those things and was seriously inquiring about it with me, our relationship would be done that second. That's how NOT ok it is with me.

Not everyone is like that (and I'm not saying anyone is pushing those ideas on others, I definitely don't see that happening here), and not everyone is so open. Nor do they have to be that open. If they don't want their partner having ANY contact with the opposite sex then that's between them and their SO. If they want more contact with the opposite then that is also between them and their SO. Other people shouldn't try to condemn either viewpoint. I'm not seeing anyone doing that here exactly, only people giving their opinions which is totally fine. I just wanted to bring this up.

What I'm trying to get at is, because of different cultures, ages, social upbringings, beliefs etc etc it's probably easier for some people to find the ideas of one-on-ones or relationships with the opposite sex just fine while other people don't think it's ok at all. If Gonçalo doesn't think it's ok, they have every right to not think it's ok. If someone else on the polar opposite thinks even flirting or dating others while in a relationship is ok, then they have every right to think it is ok.

It's OK to think differently.

+1
Great Post.

[silvermoonfairy3]

If they don't want their partner having ANY contact with the opposite sex then that's between them and their SO. If they want more contact with the opposite then that is also between them and their SO. Other people shouldn't try to condemn either viewpoint. I'm not seeing anyone doing that here exactly, only people giving their opinions which is totally fine. I just wanted to bring this up.

Exactly, opinions are fine. However, I think a lot of people (particularly some of us that are a little older) have seen tons of situations that go badly from the sort of belief that opposite-sex-friends = worry/cheating/etc. and are just trying to suggest that alone time with an opposite sex friend doesn't need to be the stress-inducing jealousyfest that it sometimes is. (And I totally get that, I've been there, sometimes still struggle with it.)

We've seen lots of times where partners "agree" on no contact alone with the opposite sex, and it turns out that one partner just agreed to it to get the other partner off their back. Then it leads to that partner lying, going out alone with an opposite sex friend in a totally platonic way, but the SO hearing about it down the road. Now, the SO feels betrayed, because the partner lied (which is never okay) and broke the "rules" (which they shouldn't have agreed to, but were trying to get the clingy partner to knock it off) and the partner that was betrayed suspects even more deeply that there's something "going on" because of the secrecy. Even though they sort of 'forced' the secrecy.

Lying, going behind a partner's back, etc. is NEVER okay, but we see time and again situations where a person who does it feels like they were pushed into having to hide things by a partner who wouldn't let them hang out with a particular friend, or was constantly bringing up jealousy and insecurity. So it's almost a case of this discussion being about how the person with jealous/insecure tendencies can make sure they're trying to be fair to their partner as well as themselves.. to not be creating circumstances where it's "easier" for a partner to lie to you than tell you the truth.


So, I think we're offering words of caution against that type of rigid no-opposite-sex rule, because more often than not it ends up backfiring.

Plus, often, if a guy is trying to control who his girlfriend is hanging out with, that sends up massive red flags that he could be controlling overall and potentially lead to abusive. But somehow it's supposed to be okay if a girl tries to control who her boyfriend sees?

You're right in that obviously people will have different levels of comfort with things. Sometimes, people freak out about platonic opposite sex friends solely because they haven't stopped to think about the situation in reverse (like them going out with a friend they're not romantically interested in) or otherwise addressed why it makes them feel uncomfortable, and I think a lot of the discussion here has just been to get people to think about it a little bit more, and to see that it can sometimes be perfectly normal and fine.

[Gonçalo]

Not to sound patronizing, but I bet as you get older that will be less the case.

William Shakespeare once said that "you learn that maturity has more to do with the kinds of experiences you had and what you have learned from them, than how many birthdays you have celebrated". It's my way of thinking, I don't think it will ever change.

[rubydissolution]

I would never, ever, go out with someone from the opposite sex while I was in a relationship, it's disrespectful for my partner, and even more disrespectful if my partner doesn't know it beforehand. I don't care if some of you people don't find anything wrong about it (which doesn't give you the right to say that she has an "extremely narrow minded view of friendship"), it's how I view things, and how most or actually all the people I know view it. Of course my girlfriend would get jealous, it's a damn one-on-one dinner at a restaurant. It's just not right when it's with a woman. And in the case you're gay, it's not okay if it's with a man, and vice-verse.

So I leave the question, you guys who think she has an "extremely narrow minded view of friendship", would you be okay if you were married and your husband/wife would just tell you she was having dinner with a friend from the opposite sex... alone? I don't think so... if you do, oh well, congratulations but you're not like most of the people I know, certainly.

I find it amusing that people get offended for other people. You are clearly offended by my statement for the OP, when the OP didn't even take offense to it. Thinking that a friendship can't exist between and man and a woman is narrow-minded. There is absolutely no reason a guy and a girl can't have a normal platonic friendship, especially if its a friendship that has lasted a long time. The OP originally said that she thought movies and dinner was solely date activities, and her SO going to those locations with someone of the opposite sex made her uncomfortable and it felt wrong. But in my opinion, if I would do these things with my female friends why wouldn't I do them with guy friends too? It doesn't make a whole lot of sense. They are public, non intimate activities. I think, changing your friendship based on the insecurities of your current SO, is more disrespectful to that friend then it is to the SO who is making these demands. You are disrespecting your partner by telling them who they can be friends with and when and how they can hang out. Relationships are partnerships, and friendships, but that also means giving your partner the freedom he/she wants to live their life. They shouldn't have to change all that much just to please you. If they did it before your relationship, it should be allowed to continue during. Because lets face it, relationships come and go but true friendships last a lifetime.

So, if my boyfriend told me he was going to have a play date with a friend of the opposite sex I would send him off and tell him to have fun. If he wanted to have a play date with a gay friend I'd send him off and tell him to have fun. I trust him...so i have no issues with this. And you seriously wouldn't let your SO go out with a gay male friend? Seriously? Some people have been friends for years upon years and they don't find out about said friends sexual orientation til later in life. So, now, just because that friend is now openly gay their friendship has to change? The way they hang out together has to change? I think not, that is so wrong on so many levels. Hell, if my bf wanted to bring his gay friend home to the apartment to play video games I'd be fine with it.

[Gingerlyme]

its interesting because i just posted a similar post about my S/O a couple days ago as well. but tldr mine is more of the fact that this female friend was a former crush (unrequited, he LOVED her for 5years)

i don't want to hijack this thread but i would love some feedback on my situation and how you guys feel it differs from the Op's one?

here is the thread: https://members.lovingfromadistance....-being-friends

i have pasted the first post below in case you guys don't bother going to the thread. responses there or here will be read and greatly appreciated.

hey folks.

I need to pick your brains for this one.

My S/O and i have been together for 9months now, though we had a month break inbetween. (long story to write about it here)

My S/O used to have this huge crush on his childhood friend for 5years and he loved her. Till today, she is the only girl he ever truly loved. Ok, he never dated much and his longest relationship lasted for 6months (oh well). We have never said "I love you" to each other yet, i guess it takes longer for a LDR and "Love" to him means a big deal. Even though he loved her, he never actually said "I love you" to any girl till today.

The thing about this girl is that his Best friend has been dating her sister for 9years. The whole bunch of them have been friends since elementary school (they are all in their mid 20s now). He drifted apart from them for 2years but are now back to being close friends with the group.

The girl, lets name her Kay, is in a 5year relationship with her current boyfriend. She never returned my s/o love or crush, she was never interested in him only saw him as a brother. My S/O and her used to be best friends (my poor baby got friend zoned).
Now he is trying to get back to being friends with her again (he is only close to his best friend and not the girls). They both went out on a luncheon just the two of them and thought it was nice to be friends again like they were before.

ALRIGHT
Question time: He wants to continue to have these "one on one catch up with her", not weekly but regularly. Do you think it is wise for him to do it? do you think its a recipe for disaster?

A little more info: he has said that he only sees her as a friend now, all feelings from the past has been laid to rest. i am the only one he wants and he would not give me up for anything. She will always be a part of his life and i am ok with that, the whole bunch of them have been friends since forever and i am glad for them. he is a great guy because he is surrounded by amazing people.

My feelings: I am not worried about him still having feelings or wanting to see if he can get her attention. but i am curious about why he feels the absolute need to reconnect with her again. he seems very insistent on the get-togethers. My only fear comes in because he used to love her and i dont want him to get hurt again or start to question our relationship (which i know he wouldnt do).