Interactions with the Opposite Sex

[Hollandia]

Was it a romantic place? Waiters don't do that in pubs. I don't think taking her to a romantic place is really fair to you.

I asked that question because I have waitressed in the past. We don't walk to tables and ask a question like that unless something would lead us too. Especially with both parties present. It could frak up a chance at a good tip if you say that to the wrong person. This would be why I said, what type of restuarant was it? It would most likely be a secluded candle lit place or something appeared quite intimate to the waiter. I think either one is stepping over a line.

I have been reading more and more of these threads where the OPs have guys that are hanging out with some other women "friend" all the time. It is not that I think they are cheating, but I do believe some of them are indeed enjoying "that" type of attention from these other women. I would have a conversation with my SO about that and for me it would be a line not to be crossed. You want to be buddies, fine be buddies, but buddies don't have waiters walking up to them asking if someone was going to propose.

I also think there is a certain connection that should not be between another potential mate and your SO. There will be times when as in every relationship couples fight, and the worst thing in the world is for your SO to have an imitate connection with another potential mate and go running and crying on her shoulders about your problems. Look, if he made a decision that you are his mate, then unless you okay with sharing him, he should only be having one emotional affair and that is with you. I highly doubt you would even have an issue if there was not some form of emotion intimacy that is over your personal lines of comfort.

I think he needs to move his buddy time to buddy places and enjoy his friendship with her and this will also remind her that this is all it will ever be. You are the one that he should be saving his romantic intimate dinners for. She can deal with TGIFridays.

[rubydissolution]

Here's the thing. There are three types of restaurants in my eyes. Casual (chilis), quasi formal (the melting pot) and formal (CIA). Buddies hanging out could go to either of the first two and I wouldn't think twice about it. And if it's their regular go to place the people in the establishment have probably seen them around more then once. Perhaps even over the course of years. So that question really wouldn't surprise me especially in the quasi formal setting.

As for "that" type of attention, I know quite a few girls who are treated more like bros then female companions. That's hardly special attention.

I'm starting to think that half the LFAD community just has issues with males and females being friends. Like its just not possible to have a purely plutonic relationship with the opposite sex because some where down the line the hormones will win the war.

[Hollandia]

Here's the thing. There are three types of restaurants in my eyes. Casual (chilis), quasi formal (the melting pot) and formal (CIA). Buddies hanging out could go to either of the first two and I wouldn't think twice about it. And if it's their regular go to place the people in the establishment have probably seen them around more then once. Perhaps even over the course of years. So that question really wouldn't surprise me especially in the quasi formal setting.

As for "that" type of attention, I know quite a few girls who are treated more like bros then female companions. That's hardly special attention.

I'm starting to think that half the LFAD community just has issues with males and females being friends. Like its just not possible to have a purely plutonic relationship with the opposite sex because some where down the line the hormones will win the war.

If they know them in one of those type of places, then they would know that would never be the case. You don't walk up to two people and ask that question unless there is a reason. It is like walking up to a heavish woman you don't know and asking if she is pregnant. These are big no-nos, unless of course, you don't give a rat's bum about your tip.

Lets say "that attention" is the kind where there is sexual tension in the air. I really don't think they were acting like bros when a waiter walked up and asked if he was going to propose.

You have every right to disagree, but many people that swear they will never get pulled into these situations do. My brother's wife right now is miserable because an old college GF my brother ran into has been texting him daily. She started when he ran into her at a collage football game and hung out as pals. The women wants my brother regardless of his wife and four kids. This is really unfair to my sister in law and she has every right to be upset even though she loves and trusts my brother enough, she is miserable over it.

Emotional affairs with others are wrong, friendships are not. The point is where does that line get drawn? Romantic dinners, movies, snuggling, sending naked pics to each other? They should have a talk about where that line is.

[rubydissolution]

Im not disagreeing that it does happen. I know it happens. But there are plenty of cases where nothing ever happens too. As to the proposal question i would suggest the OP ask why the waiter would think they are a couple in the first place. Was the question serious? Was the waiter kidding? Was the question addressed to both of them or him on private? Because if the waiter knows them, knows the nature of their relationship and said it funny haha then no worries. Saying it in front of both of them wouldn't make sense either because it kinda would ruin a genuine proposal.

[Hollandia]

Im not disagreeing that it does happen. I know it happens. But there are plenty of cases where nothing ever happens too. As to the proposal question i would suggest the OP ask why the waiter would think they are a couple in the first place. Was the question serious? Was the waiter kidding? Was the question addressed to both of them or him on private? Because if the waiter knows them, knows the nature of their relationship and said it funny haha then no worries. Saying it in front of both of them wouldn't make sense either because it kinda would ruin a genuine proposal.

It is indeed weird, and if he meant it as a joke, I don't think it would have been awkward. That is what sends a flag up to me.

My first husband made good friends with his local bartender. When we started having issues, he would go and cry on her should at the bar. I thought we were working through our stuff but he ended up leaving me and our daughter for her. To me, there are lines you don't cross, and if you do then you most likely are doing it, because you want to. She and her SO should discuss what these lines are, for both of them to be happy and not for her to sit quietly and suffer because of something like this. Once she and him have boundaries and neither crosses them, then they can both be happy and both have their friends of opposite sex.

[innocentbutterfly]

I'm starting to think that half the LFAD community just has issues with males and females being friends. Like its just not possible to have a purely plutonic relationship with the opposite sex because some where down the line the hormones will win the war.

This.

Actually yes. Like hollandia said boundaries should be set. Because want it or not when you have an SO being far away from you and bot always at ur reach peple get lonely and yes. Outings like that can spark something up. No to be fooled. I actually agree 100% with the OP. My thinking is exactly the same. Go in groups or if you really have to meet at least make it at a bar and dont repeat it over and over again.

my SO and i had this talk long before we were a couple. He said he wouldnt oppose too much to me meeting up with a male friend and if his female friend say would fly from another country that would be a reason to catch up. Otherwise theres no reason to keep meeting and catching up.

so i think SO should just talk to her bf and tell him straight its not her thing. He may not like it, but its something shes uncomfortable with and he should respect it and minimize it or lower it down to groups. No excuses. Distance isn't like close distance. And things like that can fast get out of hand.

[differentcountries]

People have very different body language and ways of expressions and tend to think everybody is like them. That goes for waiters, too. I have been taken as dating close friends I have zero attraction for. It also happens that people don't get that I am together with someone romantically, even if to me that should be extremely obvious from the way we interact. Sometimes people think very simply and so man +woman must be a relationship. That doesn't mean the people acted that way.

[rubydissolution]

Something you 20 something's just aren't getting. And I've posted this twice now. I am 31 years old...getting together a group of friends is a damn near impossibility at this age. Kids, careers and spouses do not make that possible often if at all. To stipulate that someone has to get a group together to see a movie is ridiculous. Look at it this way. I wanna see a movie. It just came out in theatres. One of my bffs is available this weekend to see it, but he's a guy so I need to find a few others to go. So you try to get people in, but one can't find a sitter, one has to work, one has a SO who works weekends so they have to stay home with the kids. So weeks go by...still haven't seen said movie and before you know it movie isn't in the theater anymore. You missed your opportunity to go because you couldn't get a group together. Meanwhile you had a friend all along who could have and was willing to go. But because of your SOs insecurities you couldn't just go with that friend....because its a guy. Completely unfair and not practical.

[silvermoonfairy3]

Sometimes people think very simply and so man +woman must be a relationship. That doesn't mean the people acted that way.

Got told once that my brother and I were such a cute couple when we were out for dinner together once..

[Moon]

Got told once that my brother and I were such a cute couple when we were out for dinner together once..

LOL, that happens a lot with me and my brother. So, so gross!

[silvermoonfairy3]

getting together a group of friends is a damn near impossibility at this age. Kids, careers and spouses do not make that possible often if at all. To stipulate that someone has to get a group together to see a movie is ridiculous. Look at it this way. I wanna see a movie. It just came out in theatres. One of my bffs is available this weekend to see it, but he's a guy so I need to find a few others to go. So you try to get people in, but one can't find a sitter, one has to work, one has a SO who works weekends so they have to stay home with the kids. So weeks go by...still haven't seen said movie and before you know it movie isn't in the theater anymore. You missed your opportunity to go because you couldn't get a group together. Meanwhile you had a friend all along who could have and was willing to go. But because of your SOs insecurities you couldn't just go with that friend....because its a guy. Completely unfair and not practical.

I'll throw in my agreement on this.
Maybe it's not like that for all 30-somethings and up, but it's definitely the case for me, friends, and people I've talked to on boards like this.

I can't remember the last time I went to a movie with more than one friend, with the exception of when I go to the movies with family. (Sister and her bf, or both my brothers, or whatever.) If I had to wait until I could get a group of people for dinner or a movie, I'd never get to go out.

Hell, a friend of mine just left for Thailand, moving across the world for 8 months, and she still couldn't get a group of people she wanted to see at one time, before she left. She had like 3 mini going-away drinks at pubs for the week before she left. People had night classes, work, couldn't get a sitter, all the things like that. Just recently, 3 of my friends and I finally managed to all get together for sushi, and we joked about how it had been so long since we'd all been in the same room at once that we should reintroduce ourselves. (And this was 2 girls and 2 guys, OMG a double date, maybe our SO's should freak.)


It's absolutely everyone's right to be uncomfortable with whatever they're uncomfortable with, and different lines should be discussed individually between each couple. But I do ask people to think about what exactly they think is going to happen. If the person going out with a female friend is going to leave you for her, is preventing him from hanging out really going to strengthen your relationship? What's to stop him from leaving you for a woman he works with? Or for a woman he meets at a bar while out with his approved male friends? People throw around the word trust a lot, but sometimes the actions don't back it up.

Trust, IMO, isn't second-guessing your SO's sincerity or actions. It's believing that your SO will adhere to the agreed-upon standards for your relationship, and having faith that they will even if situations come up that you're not thrilled about. If an agreed-upon standard in the relationship is no hanging out with the opposite sex alone*, then fine, but if it's not, then trust involves believing your SO will be faithful to you (or whatever the agreed-upon is) when he's out with the opposite sex alone and letting him have that time.

* But, we've also seen it here multiple times when people try to make it a standard that the SO doesn't hang out with the opposite sex, or freaks out every time they do, and then that has led to the unacceptable practice of the controlled partner lying about it, so that they can still have their friendship. So, the agreed-upon standards need to be fair and acceptable to both people.

Another thing to consider is that things that make you uncomfortable may sometimes lessen over time if you work on your own reaction to them, and start to see that the world hasn't imploded. There's a difference between listening to your gut on something being "off" with a particular situation or a particular female friend or whatever, and just being paranoid every time your partner is out with someone of their preferred sex.

[lilspitfire]

It doesn't happen at fancy restaurants only though. I took my male co worker boss type dude to TGI Fridays as part of the repayment of helping me financially to see my SO. We both got different things and the waiter acted like we were going to share! I was like "Uh no. He's my friend. I have a boyfriend." It's nothing as intimate as popping the question, but still........this was a pretty serious question. My only question to the OP is how the waiter even got that thought in his head? What could have they been doing that the waiter asked that? Seems a weird question to ask to anyone unless they were doing something that seemed that. I guess maybe the waiter was trying to earn brownie points or something, but usually if a waiter/server knows beforehand about a proposal might be happening, they don't say anything so it's a surprise. Very strange scenario indeed.

[lilspitfire]

Why does everyone act like they HAVE to go to movies or dinner or out drinking WITH someone. Why can't you all go alone? Every time I see a post like this, it's always someone saying they HAVE to go with a friend or two. What's wrong with seeing a movie by yourself? Dinner by yourself? Drinking by yourself? If you can't get people together, then just go alone. I'm so glad all my friends live far away and my SO can't really afford to do much anyway (nor can I). Saves me the drama, but I go out by myself if there's a movie I wanna see or wait for Netflix or Redbox.

[silvermoonfairy3]

I guess maybe the waiter was trying to earn brownie points or something, but usually if a waiter/server knows beforehand about a proposal might be happening, they don't say anything so it's a surprise. Very strange scenario indeed.

I agree, that's why I kinda wonder if the waiter was kidding or something. Usually restaurant proposals are a surprise, and it seems weird that a waiter would intentionally spoil it by asking.

Unless maybe he got the wrong table, and a different guy was gonna be proposing, or something.

[Freebird]

Thanks for the responses guys.

I think the appropriate thing to do is reach a middle ground, which of course can only be agreed upon by me and my SO! Perhaps we can go out with the opposite sex, yes, but the other must always be told about it. And no frequent one-on-ones with the same person. A meeting at the bar the catch up? Sure. Weekly dinners at nice places? Absolutely not.

You missed your opportunity to go because you couldn't get a group together. Meanwhile you had a friend all along who could have and was willing to go. But because of your SOs insecurities you couldn't just go with that friend....because its a guy. Completely unfair and not practical.

You're entitled to feel uncomfortable, but try to understand that if they were friends before you, and these are usual things for them, that's kind of unfair to him to try stopping it. If he was trying to make new female friends, and going out with them one-on-one, then you have a justifiable argument, in my opinion.

Again, I see where you are coming from. If my SO prevented me from seeing my long-time army friend I'd be upset.

But there is a limit to everything. If I start going out with said army friend often, even while remaining completely platonic, and my SO felt uncomfortable about it is that fair? I don't think it is. Out of respect for my SO's feelings I would absolutely limit our meetings. Sometimes relationships are about sacrifice- on my side AND on his.

You're in a committed relationship with someone. That's a sacrifice and responsibility in itself. If you care and respect the other person and something is making them uncomfortable, you're not just going to blow it off or not consider their feelings on the matter. If it bothers you that much, then perhaps there is a serious conflict of interests and the relationship simply isn't going to work. And I say that from my standpoint as well.

However, fortunately, that is not the case in my situation. He went on one dinner with a female friend. I'm uncomfortable with it, but I also realize that freaking out about one outing is overreacting. Yes, Im being a bit insecure and anxious.

BUT (there is always a but! ) if he starts to go out on frequent one-on-ones with females, the same or different ones, I would ask him to be more considerate of my feelings and would try to remain open-minded myself. Yes I trust him but I'm not going to feel so great about him taking a chick to Paris for a weekend getaway! I believe emotional cheating/dishonesty is a very real thing, especially in a LDR!

My only question to the OP is how the waiter even got that thought in his head? What could have they been doing that the waiter asked that? Seems a weird question to ask to anyone unless they were doing something that seemed that. I guess maybe the waiter was trying to earn brownie points or something, but usually if a waiter/server knows beforehand about a proposal might be happening, they don't say anything so it's a surprise. Very strange scenario indeed.

I am honestly not sure. At all.

Why does everyone act like they HAVE to go to movies or dinner or out drinking WITH someone. Why can't you all go alone? Every time I see a post like this, it's always someone saying they HAVE to go with a friend or two. What's wrong with seeing a movie by yourself? Dinner by yourself? Drinking by yourself? If you can't get people together, then just go alone. I'm so glad all my friends live far away and my SO can't really afford to do much anyway (nor can I). Saves me the drama, but I go out by myself if there's a movie I wanna see or wait for Netflix or Redbox.

No clue! I've gone out to see a movie by myself several times because no one wanted to go. I have NO problem with it.

It's absolutely everyone's right to be uncomfortable with whatever they're uncomfortable with, and different lines should be discussed individually between each couple. But I do ask people to think about what exactly they think is going to happen. If the person going out with a female friend is going to leave you for her, is preventing him from hanging out really going to strengthen your relationship? What's to stop him from leaving you for a woman he works with? Or for a woman he meets at a bar while out with his approved male friends? People throw around the word trust a lot, but sometimes the actions don't back it up.

I do agree with this. Insecurity isn't always rational. If someone were to be dishonest in their relationship, I doubt preventing them from doing certain things would strengthen the relationship. I suppose just being far away and not having that contact raises suspicions, albeit completely unwarranted ones, in my head. I say I trust him completely because I mean to. But obviously that may need a little work on my part. Trust is easier said than done.