Parents and family

[honeybunny]

Yes I was going to stay here a few more months. We decided I should move in at the end of the summer, in August. I was going to put up with everything here now until then. I told my boyfriend I wanted to go to a refuge but he always says the same thing, it will be horrible don't go there. I haven't got the money for my own place though. And if i went to a shelter my family won't know where I am, which is a better solution. If I did have the money for a flat, they will want to know where I am and I probably still won't get much privacy. I also worry about valuable items I have at home. I don't want to leave then come back and find them smashed up or something. I worked hard for everything that I have. I know they are just material possessions but it means a lot to me. He's asked me to go and visit him in April but honestly I've ran out of lies to tell my parents. I've been to see him twice and exhausted all my options. My mum always thought I was lying anyway. She told my sister I was lying. I don't really know what to do.

[C.C.]

Awww that situation is so awful, stay strong
I come from traditional family myself (and well, country), who are against sex before marriage and think that a woman should behave while dating and so on.
But what you have described is so extreme and so awful. I know at least I can convince my parents if I am serious enough and that they'll choose my happiness over stuff once I am a more responsible adult.
And it's so sad when the main thing for parents like yours becomes upholding traditions instead of their children's happiness, especially at your age
I don't really know how it works over there, so think a bit more before you decide, but don't stay in such a toxic environment in any case, don't let them ruin your life more than they already have.

[Ella85]

If this was me I'd pack up my things and go. It doesn't matter where to, if it's to your boyfriend or to a shelter but you need to get out of there. Please don't let yourself be a statistic. Also you live in the UK, there is financial support for people in your situation. Even if you are working you could get help with rent etc. Don't let money be a deciding factor, if it's really that bad, get out while you still can.

[honeybunny]

Awww that situation is so awful, stay strong
I come from traditional family myself (and well, country), who are against sex before marriage and think that a woman should behave while dating and so on.
But what you have described is so extreme and so awful. I know at least I can convince my parents if I am serious enough and that they'll choose my happiness over stuff once I am a more responsible adult.
And it's so sad when the main thing for parents like yours becomes upholding traditions instead of their children's happiness, especially at your age
I don't really know how it works over there, so think a bit more before you decide, but don't stay in such a toxic environment in any case, don't let them ruin your life more than they already have.

That's the thing. I've had people say Oh can't you reason with your parents? You can't reason with people who believe so deeply in their religion. In their eyes I'm wrong and it doesn't matter what I say because I've sinned. The crazy thing is my parents dated before marriage, because my mum is a convert to the religion. The way they met, they are ashamed of it. I actually told my mum what's the big deal you ended up getting married and had kids. Who cares how it started. It's actually perfectly normal. It's their religion making them feel bad for it.

I even talk to my mum about how much I want to settle down and start a family. She seems like she understands, but ultimately does nothing.

If this was me I'd pack up my things and go. It doesn't matter where to, if it's to your boyfriend or to a shelter but you need to get out of there. Please don't let yourself be a statistic. Also you live in the UK, there is financial support for people in your situation. Even if you are working you could get help with rent etc. Don't let money be a deciding factor, if it's really that bad, get out while you still can.

I wanted to do it but I decided I shouldn't just leave in anger. I've slept on it and I still want to go, but I'll do it properly.

Yeh I'm not sure exactly how housing benefit and all that works as I've never claimed it, but I'll look into it.

[sasad]

That's the thing. I've had people say Oh can't you reason with your parents? You can't reason with people who believe so deeply in their religion. In their eyes I'm wrong and it doesn't matter what I say because I've sinned. The crazy thing is my parents dated before marriage, because my mum is a convert to the religion. The way they met, they are ashamed of it. I actually told my mum what's the big deal you ended up getting married and had kids. Who cares how it started. It's actually perfectly normal. It's their religion making them feel bad for it.

I even talk to my mum about how much I want to settle down and start a family. She seems like she understands, but ultimately does nothing.



I wanted to do it but I decided I shouldn't just leave in anger. I've slept on it and I still want to go, but I'll do it properly.

Yeh I'm not sure exactly how housing benefit and all that works as I've never claimed it, but I'll look into it.

Good idea. Although with abuse, you really do need to plan something asap. I also understand about going to your SO. You all are still a "new" couple and you are still learning each other... that and it WILL cause a huge rift with your family if you live with him. Can you stay with his parents? Or friends somewhere closer to your SO? Have you applied for jobs closer to where he is as well? You will need a support system where ever you go. xo

[honeybunny]

Good idea. Although with abuse, you really do need to plan something asap. I also understand about going to your SO. You all are still a "new" couple and you are still learning each other... that and it WILL cause a huge rift with your family if you live with him. Can you stay with his parents? Or friends somewhere closer to your SO? Have you applied for jobs closer to where he is as well? You will need a support system where ever you go. xo

I haven't started applying for jobs down there yet, because I wasn't sure what was happening. He lives with his mother and sister already. His dad passed away a few years ago. I don't know anyone else down there. I have friends here but none of them can take me in. I wouldn't expect them to either. Yeh I really feel going to my boyfriend right now is the wrong decision. It's way too early for anything like that.

[honeybunny]

I just got confronted by one of my brothers. Asking if I'm in a relationship. Telling me he knows I talk to boys. I had to keep my cool and deny everything. He called me a liar and said I'm a waste of space and I should leave.

He then walked off and played on my PlayStation. I can't be that much of a waste of space when he wants my console huh?

[Unicorn26]

There is a website called www.entitledto.co.uk that should give you all the details of what you can claim. Being under 35 and single goes against you somewhat, but it should be helpful to at least give you an idea of where you stand.

Even if you end up being totally skint, you will have your freedom. You cannot put a price on that.

[honeybunny]

There is a website called www.entitledto.co.uk that should give you all the details of what you can claim. Being under 35 and single goes against you somewhat, but it should be helpful to at least give you an idea of where you stand.

Even if you end up being totally skint, you will have your freedom. You cannot put a price on that.

Well I'm not single but does it not count if I'm not living with him? I couldn't do the calculator yet though because my situation may change very soon.

I know. I have some money though. I can use that to get out.

[whatruckus]

Well I'm not single but does it not count if I'm not living with him? I couldn't do the calculator yet though because my situation may change very soon.

I know. I have some money though. I can use that to get out.

Usually when something like this asks your marital status, it's usually asking if you're married or not. Putting down that you're "Single" doesn't always mean that you're actually single, it just means you're not married or divorced.

Like, I have insurance through the government, when I was in my relationship, I put down that I was single because I had never been married.

[Miasmata]

I'll be blunt, I have no idea what your boyfriend's business is to tell you not to go to a refuge and how it will be the worst thing ever. I come from a childhood of abuse, and yeah of course a refuge/shelter is no picnic, but it's a space where you are at least safe and you can focus on yourself and your life without fear for once. That's the whole purpose of a shelter. I find it pretty imposing of him to pass these judgements when he clearly doesn't know how it is.

Again, this is just my feeling on the matter, but a refuge would be a better place for you to get things sorted than where you are now, especially after being confronted by your brother.

[whatruckus]

I'll be blunt, I have no idea what your boyfriend's business is to tell you not to go to a refuge and how it will be the worst thing ever. I come from a childhood of abuse, and yeah of course a refuge/shelter is no picnic, but it's a space where you are at least safe and you can focus on yourself and your life without fear for once. That's the whole purpose of a shelter. I find it pretty imposing of him to pass these judgements when he clearly doesn't know how it is.

Again, this is just my feeling on the matter, but a refuge would be a better place for you to get things sorted than where you are now, especially after being confronted by your brother.

I agree. He's not the one that is in your situation right now, and if he can't actually help you right now, what good is critiquing one of the only solutions you have going to do?

[honeybunny]

Yeh I think my boyfriend doesn't realise how it actually is. He's not seeing it, he's just hearing about it. He realises stuff like telling me how to dress and not to date are wrong, but maybe he wasn't properly understanding exactly how it is. Like the atmosphere in the house. It's horrible. I can't stand it.

I'm taking steps to leave. That's all I can say right now.

[whatruckus]

Yeh I think my boyfriend doesn't realise how it actually is. He's not seeing it, he's just hearing about it. He realises stuff like telling me how to dress and not to date are wrong, but maybe he wasn't properly understanding exactly how it is. Like the atmosphere in the house. It's horrible. I can't stand it.

I'm taking steps to leave. That's all I can say right now.

Well, I really hope that you can make it out and that you do so ASAP. My family is pretty controlling too, more so my mom, so I understand. They're verbally abusive, and used to be physical abusive up until I graduated high school.

[honeybunny]

Well, I really hope that you can make it out and that you do so ASAP. My family is pretty controlling too, more so my mom, so I understand. They're verbally abusive, and used to be physical abusive up until I graduated high school.

Trying to get it together and sleep so I can call relevant people in the morning. I just don't understand why people feel the need to be so controlling. Like I think people should just live their lives, don't be so fixated on other people. And don't give stupid excuses like it's because we care. If you cared you wouldn't be stressing me out. That's all their behaviour is doing, causing me stress. I mean my brother is still a teenager, and he's trying to tell me how to live my life? Quizzing me about my personal life? It has nothing to do with him. I just needed to vent a little. I'll never understand why some people are like this.