She is hiding and keeping secrets

[dummy56]

@ChibiFelicia: I know you are right. I truly know it. I guess to me it just seems more likely for her to cheat (especially since she seems bored) than for something to happen to her. I don't know but that's how I am. I mean she assures me that she wants only me and that nothing is happening. But at the same time she is swearing/promising that she is sleeping when I know for a fact, she isn't. How can her words really comfort me? I don't know. Maybe after good behavior she'll start to really mean what she says? I don't know.

@Zapookie, thank you for that. I remember a few days ago, I asked her how was her day/what she did then I asked her how she felt and she said she felt a bit stressed/tense about it. I guess from me asking her those things, it brought some anxiety? But I think, why? There is no reason to have such fear or anxiety if you really did nothing wrong. Am I right? So I'm trying to get her used to me asking her these things and not reacted negatively. Maybe it'll get her to not be stressed out about it? I don't know. It's just so sensitive this situation. I am afraid to upset it.

She is now 2 hours late and I am just having these flashes of the worst possibility of why she is late. I do believe I shouldn't act okay with her behavior but it's just that I'm trying to heal things so she won't hate me or anything. So I just sort of want to give her that freedom so then it'll be okay.

[Miramaid]

She is now 2 hours late and I am just having these flashes of the worst possibility of why she is late. I do believe I shouldn't act okay with her behavior but it's just that I'm trying to heal things so she won't hate me or anything. So I just sort of want to give her that freedom so then it'll be okay.

Go to bed (if you didn't sleep) or move on with your normal daily routine. Leave her a message that you waited 2 hours and that you will talk to her later. Do not say anything any more. When you finally talk, TALK to her. Seems like you are unwilling to TALK. And when you TALK, ask her if she still cares about this relationship and wants to be in one. And if yes, tell her that there have been things that bother you such as: her being late for dates and her being distant (not HIDING things! But distant) and ask her if since she loves you and all you get that vibe, ask her if there is something that worries HER. Ask her if you can help her with those worries and how. Be GENTLE.

If she says that she doesnt know if she wants to be in this relationship any more, then you have your answer

[dummy56]

Perhaps you're right. However, there is a possibility that her internet just died. That has happened before even during our dates when her internet would just shut down. Maybe that is the case now? Well of course, I'd have no way of proving it. I feel like I attempt to have these talks with her just annoy her because again it's just me being insecure. Now imagine if everything was great on her end as in she's innocent and nothing is going on. Then me bringing it up would just be like "oh gosh here we go again with talking about what are we doing and stuff". To be honest, I know she wouldn't say she wants out of the relationship. I really believe she just wants us to have that meeting. I've counted and we have about 207 days left until I see her. That is a lot of time. We've talked about what bothers her and it's the same things and in fact she complained to me that she is tired of telling me what is bothering her. It happens to be about money and needing a job and all that. I know what you're saying in that we need to have this talk, but we've had this talk all the time and she says she wants this and that I just need to stop worrying and to relax. It's 3 hours now, so I do think it is her internet (positive spin on things eh?). I just hope at some point she comes online to tell me that.

[ChibiFelicia]

you should go to sleep and leave her a message. Can you not call her? Thats what i do if my internet is down or his is.

[dummy56]

ChibiFelicia: I've already slept. It's my day, it's her night. Which sets the mood for meeting up to go to bars/clubs and whatnot. So you can probably see my unease about it. We cannot call because well, we realize how expensive it is calling internationally. So we choose not to call each other, but we rather focus on just internet communication. She doesn't have a data plan so she cannot just sign on to talk to me. It would be pricey for her so we agreed that she shouldn't get one. Basically if her computer/internet dies, that's it. It's just funny how her internet just dies though. I mean, I can't imagine a company having such terrible service that it dies.

-------

I mean call me negative, but how convenient her internet possibly breaks down(I don't know yet she didn't come online but I think it's a likely excuse) when there are talks of possible meet ups and she seems bored/uninterested in me especially with my bad behavior.

I guess I just am wondering, is it really possible for love/restored to be restored through good behavior? Is it that after good behavior there has to be that "talk" that I'm trying to avoid to sort of clear things up again where we can have open communication again?

[ChibiFelicia]

About the internet dying...mine does on a bi weekly basis. Its bloody annoying. With the calling internationally, yes its expensive but have you ever thought about buying the subscription on skype? you can call international mobiles from your skype and it's hardly expensive. Its just to see what sgoing on.

As for your question about lvoe being restored etc etc....in my experience if i had gotten to your stage the relationship wouldnt be worth it anymore. Good behaviour isnt gonna sort out all your problems. You need to get to the root of your problems and sor tthem out. Call me cheesy or whatever but ou gotta sort yourself out before you're capable of putting the effort in that is required for a LDR or any relationship.

Have you had previous relationships? Sometimes leaving one that isnt so good and learning from it will improve your future relationships. Sounds to me you dont know how to handle an LDR...or rather any relationship at the moment. Sorry if im harsh but ive been there. Sometimes you need to be single to sort your head out. You cant keep banging your head against it, it'll jsut make you feel like well..crap. Obviously it doesnt help that there doesnt seem to be solid communication between you two..takes 2 ppl to make or break a relationship.

[dummy56]

I respect your opinion that at this point, it doesn't seem to be worth it. But I mean the internet being dead for at least 4.5 hours? I don't know. I don't see her in the chat either so hopefully it's because its the internet and not because she's out doing who knows what. You're right that we have to get to the root of the problem. I am the root of the problem. I created this. I am trying to sort it through good behavior at least with her. The communication is lost because of me. She's just afraid to say anything because of how it'll hurt me. Of course she sounds sincere when she tells me she still likes me and stuff. But I feel sometimes I am pushing her to say that and I don't know anymore if she feels that way.

[ChibiFelicia]

I respect your opinion that at this point, it doesn't seem to be worth it. But I mean the internet being dead for at least 4.5 hours? I don't know. I don't see her in the chat either so hopefully it's because its the internet and not because she's out doing who knows what. You're right that we have to get to the root of the problem. I am the root of the problem. I created this. I am trying to sort it through good behavior at least with her. The communication is lost because of me. She's just afraid to say anything because of how it'll hurt me. Of course she sounds sincere when she tells me she still likes me and stuff. But I feel sometimes I am pushing her to say that and I don't know anymore if she feels that way.

"out doing who knows what"....come on now you're making your self stressed out!
My internet goes down for most of the day/night sometimes the whole weekend! (UK ppl Virgin really sucks lol but best deal for cable so w/e)

You say yu're the problem and you're trying to sort it through with good behaviour...you're missing the point. There's an underlying problem that you yourself need to sort out no amount of good behaviour is gonna sort out your insecurities etc

[dummy56]

@ChibiFelicia, you're right, good behavior won't solve my insecurities. That I have to do on my own. But I want her to see that things are getting better in terms of my behavior and stuff. I want her to want me like she used to. Of course I can't control this but I think if I behaved better, maybe it can go back this way. I just need to find some new creative ideas for us. I have 207 days until I see her. That's a real long time and I just don't know how much longer she can take it. I may have to do like an emergency trip to see her so she has something to look forward to in the summer. I'll do my best to control what's wrong with me. But how can I start to fix her, in terms of the lying and stuff.

[ChibiFelicia]

Im not sure about the fixing her part. Working towards the "good behaviour" as you call it will hopefully help. but it wont happen over night. theres a reason that she is lying here and there and she wont stop it/ wont feel able to stop it if she doesnt know for sure that you wont go a lil crazy on her.

[dummy56]

How can I make her feel sure? I really need to make her feel sure.. I feel that she will never be sure.. and to be honest, I never reacted so badly. It was more like a little child's tantrum, nothing major. I don't know how something like that could have such a strong response from her.

[MadMolly]

I said it before. I think this is over. How can the relationship possibly recover from this?

[ChibiFelicia]

@OP no one can tell you that. No one can show you how to do that. You have to work it out. and im afraid to say that i agree with madmolly. But i know that you obviously are trying so hard, it's why i keep posting. But sometimes you really do have to take a step back. Re read your posts and just think how you would help the person who started the post. What would you say to them?

[dummy56]

MadMolly: I see your point and I respect your honesty, but I feel that there is a chance. I may be lying to myself now, but I think if she really wanted it, it can be better. I mean what really is the issue here? It is the lying on her part and my insecurity. My insecurity drove her to lying. If we remove my insecurity can she stop the lying? Maybe. but it'll really depend. I think we just need a few weeks to cool off (meaning no interrogating on my part) and then I can try to have a talk with her. I can understand that you feel the relationship is over, I'm sure there are a few others out there who agree. But, I will continue with this until she calls it off because I believe through hard work everything can be alright. You may not think so, and you are entitled to your opinion, but something constructive or some ideas would be nice.

---------- Post added at 01:31 PM ---------- Previous post was at 01:28 PM ----------

@ChibiFelicia, I really and grateful that you continue to reply to this thread. I understand it might be over, but I think we are just a little before that point. We are not quite there yet. I may continue to lie to myself. Really though, if we imagine that she still has feelings for me, wouldn't everything she is doing seem sort of reasonable? Anyway if I saw this I'd probably say it's over but more than anything there has to be that talk at some point. Maybe not now and maybe not tomorrow, but soon.

[Silvaria]

I noticed you didn't reply to my message, and that you're still trying to take all the blame here without assigning any to her for her lying. So this will be my last post.

Relationships are two-way streets, which is something you seem to be missing. Hell, even in your latest post you said, "But, I will continue with this until she calls it off because I believe through hard work everything can be alright. ".

Not only are you giving HER all the power (also just like an emotional abuse victim), it doesn't work that way. She has to want to work at it, too, and lying to you constantly is hardly working at it. She's got you right where she wants you: Not showing up for dates, lying, and doing whatever she wants...and you keep putting up with it.

Her "strong responses" are because she feels guilty for what's she is doing to you behind your back.

Fair enough, though. I've been in your place, I've put up with being treated that way, and I finally reached a point where enough was enough, but, everyone has to make their own mistakes.

I wish you the best of luck, I strongly suspect you're going to need it.