She is hiding and keeping secrets

[dummy56]

@Silvaria: I do agree that she should take some blame for simply lying. No matter how bad I react she should not lie. She could have been more comforting and assuring me that she wanted to be with me instead of seeming complacent about it. I know I am giving her all of the power. It's because in her position it's understandable that she wants to go out and have fun without having deal with a nuisance like me whining about every little move she does. I've always told her that she should tell me the truth even if it's that she wants to break up or that she found someone else. I just find comfort in knowing. It's funny because we've even agreed that no matter what happens between us that I wanted to stay connected with her. I think I will have to have that talk with her sooner than I had hoped for. I do need every drop of luck. But I'm starting to believe this date was ruined because of the internet. I really do think so. In the past her internet has died and I think today is just one of those days. I'm probably lying to myself but, it's all I have right now...

[dummy56]

I think we've been looking at this too much from my side and not from her side. If we look at her side, then she could be just trying to protect my feelings without doing anything bad. She tells me she wants me but what if she really does?

I plan to see her in June because then I can really spend a lot of time with her with the nice weather and I'd get to stay in her place and we would be able to do so many things together. It would be the ideal first meeting. Now, I think as sort of a test, I should ask her if she would like me to go to her sooner for a shorter amount of time during the winter where we wouldn't be able to do the great exciting things we've talked about. I think if she says to go see her in the winter then that'd be a sign that she's ready for it to be over and doesn't think we'll make it to June. But then again, she can probably just say June because she knows I want to hear June. But let's say she wants June, then wouldn't that be a sign that she really thinks we can make it until then and that she would like everything to be great and such? I know this is probably not a good test, but I think it sort of says something about what she thinks...

[dummy56]

I discovered that her internet did finally work around her 11pm. I don't know if it was ever dead. Surely I think she would've come online for at least a movie if she didn't want to talk to me. So I think she either had plans or her internet died. But I am like 90% sure the internet for her was working at 11pm, so she probably went to sleep. However, 11pm is rather earlier for her to sleep since she usually lies to me to go into the chat until like her 1am. Also, I haven't seen her in the chat the past 2 days, I suspect she knows that I am in there. I am terribly afraid right now and I don't know what to do. Do I rush this "talk" with her where I ask for honesty and openness with my promise that I won't react negatively? Or do I continue to be understanding and accept whatever excuse she comes up and play cool with everything?

[ChibiFelicia]

wow you actually spy on her? you want her to be open and honest yet you're being sneaky and dishonest. There is something seriously wrong with both of you. How can you even ask her to be hoenst if you're liek that? im sorry but if my man ever did that i'd tell him where to go. Reading more and more of your posts just make me think that shes just reacting to your ways. Im not saying shes in the right but you are also definately not helping the situation. Just imagine if your loved one was spying on you. how would that make you feel?

As for your "test". what is with that? if my man asked me i'd say sooner the better. personally i feel these "tests" that ppl do to each other are a waste of time.

[dummy56]

I can see what you're saying. I guess it's just that she would be more likely to cheat than I would. Well we always envisioned how great our first meeting would be and meeting her during the winter when she is not alone, would be not as pleasant. We wouldn't be able to spend as much time together and we would be limited on the many things we could do. It's like how some women would dream of a big nice great wedding and then suddenly have to settle for some thing done at city hall. That's what we want for our meeting. We want it to be great with a lot of time and stuff. To be compressed done to maybe a few hours a day almost seems like a waste and probably wouldn't give her enough motivation I suppose to wait until the next time I see her.

So how should I go about the next time I see her? Should I have that talk with her or just wait some more time?

[ChibiFelicia]

So you think she's more likey to cheat so it's ok to spy on her? Ok thats ridiculous. If you cant trust the girl, theres no relationship.

Fair enough you want your first meeting amazing but still that test you want to set is in my opinion un needed. I think if i ever found out my man did that to me, i'd question whether he actually loved me or not. If you love someone theres no need for the tests and spying etc etc. Maybe im naive but if my relationship ever came to that point, i'd know that the relationship has long ended. My parents marriage hasnt ended, but it's riddled with dishonesty, spying etc etc and it's not a pretty sight. I would never ever want my relationships liek that. You guys havent even met yet. Cut your loses and jsut move on.

[dummy56]

So do you think I should go ahead and meet with her?

[ChibiFelicia]

Its not for me to say.

for me though, if i have the money for the ticket and have time off i go with no hesitation. But everyone feels differently about this so you gotta decide.

I hope things will work out for you soon

[Minerva]

Look, if my boyfriend spied on me and thought I was cheating every time I went out, I'd hide things from him too.

I don't know how you guys got to this point or who is really at fault, but this is one of the more unhealthy relationships I've seen on this board.

There comes a point in which trying to save something becomes necrophilia, know what I mean?

[dummy56]

I don't see it to be dead just yet! I mean if it really is dead, why would she even bother to continue to talk to me? I mean in the end, there really is no point. Why have me around if she is cheating? Let's say she finds someone else and doesn't care for me, why bother even spending time with me? I feel that there is something still there. I think she believes that it can get better and that's what she is sticking around for. So please, I am desperate for advice..

[Miramaid]

I don't see it to be dead just yet! I mean if it really is dead, why would she even bother to continue to talk to me? I mean in the end, there really is no point. Why have me around if she is cheating? Let's say she finds someone else and doesn't care for me, why bother even spending time with me? I feel that there is something still there. I think she believes that it can get better and that's what she is sticking around for. So please, I am desperate for advice..

at this point you seem to be the one killing whaever is left from this relationship

[dummy56]

Okay I accept that I am killing it. I believe it is true! What can I do to stop killing it? I mean I am not interrogating her and I'm not accusing her of anything. Should I just put these things behind us and just leave it as it is? I mean really, what can I do to not kill whatever is left. I really am I trying the good behavior. The next time she is online I will suggest to her that instead of seeing her in 8 months, I'll first see her in 2 months and then again in 8months. Hopefully she will be thrilled and will have something to look forward to instead of thinking of this as some dead end. I just don't know what else I can do except good behavior.. Again I really appreciate all of the responses!

[ChibiFelicia]

that being said op, it takes courage to break up with someone. I cant say about the cheating adn still staying with someone (not been in that situation) but i have been the one to find it extremely difficult to break away even if i didnt liek the relationship.

so many ppl have given you advice on you situation.

"what can you do to stop killing it"...stop spying for one

[dummy56]

ChibiFelicia: Yes, many people have mentioned that I should have this talk with her. I will have this talk with her. But it is interesting that you say I should stop spying. Well it's really not that interesting, but the thing is, I stop spying then I will never really know what's going on and hell she may be doing the worst things. I mean then she may be lying to me and I wouldn't know it. Of course this is where trust comes in, but I guess I can't trust her until she admits some of her lies. I thought about not spying, but then, I would have to live based off what she says. Which can all be a big lie. It's like the saying: What you don't know can't hurt. Is that what you're recommending? To just not know so everything will be good? It is tempting, but I just have this urge to know and I feel like I would be handle it better now than before. I just hope she gives me the chance to show her that I really am better now. - Also it was never confirmed that she is cheating. I've just mentioned the possibility of cheating and how easy it would be. So far the only things I know for sure is that she lied about her trip to seeing her friend. Also she lies when she is sleeping to talk to these strangers and she is talking to these guys exchanging skype/pictures.

[Miramaid]

at this point I have no words any more.
It is a dead relationship. And you are the one who is not getting something very important: if she wants to cheat she will cheat. Even if you are married with 3 kids. And you will never find out. Simple as that. If she doesn't want to cheat she wont. And the likelihood of her not wanting to cheat is if she is with a man who is not spying on her, doesnt interrogate her, and who doesnt doubt her and doesnt judge her based on her past. Who loves her for who she is and who makes her smile.

You do not get it. You only care about yourself and your insecurities. All you write about is "me" "what about me" "how will I know?" "what will I do if she does this or that"?
You are making ur own life miserable. I have no idea how she has been with you 3 years.
Sorry didn't mean to come out mean, but you need to sit back and thank. Then think some more