Girlfriend of 9 months asked for space...

[austexas24]

Some of us actually have experience in these matters or matters that are similar. I am not saying you hanging around her can't work to bring her back, but I do think the fact that you have not experienced love before makes you not see her shitty behaviour for what it is. Those of us who have had loved before know that a cold heart can also be a friend. Because love can fuck you up real good, especially when it is not just puppy love. I find I have the shortest fuse the longer I am in long term relationships, which is sound and efficient and saves me a lot of tears and a lot of grief - I don't even tolerate people not being there mentally and certainly would not be into dating someone who were not willing to date me. My husband was - I still think he was - very patient with me when we met. I came straight from a very messy break-up, he tolerated 1 month of "I am not sure" then said he gave me 1 month to decide if I was in, or he was gone for good. I decided after one or twoo weeks because I was afraid he actually meant it! He still had to cope with me being cold and messy for a while, but I was in. He could tell all his friends that we were dating, and when I had doubts and leftover hangups from my ex he would take them in stride because I told him he was my boyfriend. Now we have been together almost 11 years.

I totally agree with you. Just yesterday she texted me saying "sad". I said, "whys that?". She said something along the lines of all the music she keeps hearing. This is after not texting me back for 5-6 hours after i sent a text telling her to stay strong since I know shes going through a tough time right now in dealing with her ex. So she basically initiates the conversation, but waits to text me and stays pretty cold, no emogees, smiles, kisses (xx), nothing. I wanted to tell her, well you shouldn't have broken up with your boyfriend if you didn't want to be sad.

Anyways I say goodnight, I'm going to bed. I still love you. She simply says good night!! early sleep for you!!. I got a little upset because im saying i love you and she ignores it. Then i tell her I miss the good night calls. She just puts a crying emogee and says sleep well.

Basically I just ended up pissed off. I understand you broke up with me so you don't want to say certain things anymore, but to turn "it" off so quickly really hurts my feelings. Even with all this I find myself wanting to call her to ask her how her night was even though she doesn't deserve to have the boyfriend in me anymore.

I've thought I've been in love before and had my heart broken, but I honestly wanted to start a family with this woman. I think I'm going to give her space and not text or call her unless she initiates until Sunday when we can Skype. I'll find out what my next plan of action will be after seeing how that goes.

The more I think about it, and as hard as it will be, I think it's best for me to just "go away" for a couple of months for her to work out the divorce and her own feelings. If I still feel the same about her then i'll reach out again and see what happens.

Also, I know I'm somewhat painting a bad picture of her through these messages, but she is a great girl, these past 3 weeks she has just flipped a switch if that makes sense.

[randomnerd]

The more I think about it, and as hard as it will be, I think it's best for me to just "go away" for a couple of months for her to work out the divorce and her own feelings. If I still feel the same about her then i'll reach out again and see what happens.

Also, I know I'm somewhat painting a bad picture of her through these messages, but she is a great girl, these past 3 weeks she has just flipped a switch if that makes sense.

This is what everyone has been telling you. Obviously she is not looking for you to flood her with your love right now. That makes it harder. She asked for space.

She is sad and reaching for you as a friend but you've already said that you can't just be friends. Let her heal and let yourself heal.

[merlinkitty]

Yeah, that's kind of the nature of the beast here. We all see only the negative aspects here for the most part.

But anyway, just a little suggestion for you that might help you get through this a little easier. Anger generally isn't a positive emotion, but you can use it to do some positive things right now. She's still kind of using you for emotional support right now, which isn't the best thing she can do for you. Be angry that you don't respond to her if she tries to do this in future. Be angry that you don't contact her when you feel low so you can allow yourself time to heal without her. Be angry, but don't let the anger take you down a negative path. This was kind of where I found my strength to move on my my ex. I was angry enough that I was able to turn that into something positive for myself that I needed. I think it might help you as well a bit as you go forward I know once you get this Skype thing over with you might be able to kind of put this behind you a little bit better. But I wouldn't expect closure from it either. I know you know it, but life doesn't wrap itself up in nice, neat little packages. Take what she says and move forward

[austexas24]

Yeah, that's kind of the nature of the beast here. We all see only the negative aspects here for the most part.

But anyway, just a little suggestion for you that might help you get through this a little easier. Anger generally isn't a positive emotion, but you can use it to do some positive things right now. She's still kind of using you for emotional support right now, which isn't the best thing she can do for you. Be angry that you don't respond to her if she tries to do this in future. Be angry that you don't contact her when you feel low so you can allow yourself time to heal without her. Be angry, but don't let the anger take you down a negative path. This was kind of where I found my strength to move on my my ex. I was angry enough that I was able to turn that into something positive for myself that I needed. I think it might help you as well a bit as you go forward I know once you get this Skype thing over with you might be able to kind of put this behind you a little bit better. But I wouldn't expect closure from it either. I know you know it, but life doesn't wrap itself up in nice, neat little packages. Take what she says and move forward

I shouldn't say I'm angry, just in that one instance. I'm not angry at her, I know it's hard for her right now, and I want to be there. But I can't, I would have, but she decided to end the relationship and for that reason you don't get to use me as a crying shoulder anymore. If I did that for her, I would be almost ensuring that we would never be together again, and that I would be stuck yearning for more.

It's really sad that such a perfect relationship is getting thrown away because she feels that she needs to do it. I'm just glad this isn't the first time this has happened to me, the first time was REALLY hard. I've learned a bit now. (Not the divorce aspect, totally new). As far as positivity, my last relationship made me such a positive person, and I'm so thankful for that.

[Redheart14]

Keep yourself busy and not initiate contact with her. I wouldn't respond to her texts if she does initiate after all she chose to break it off. But that's what I'd do personally but you need to take your own stance on that. Best of luck to you.

[Moon]

After reading through this whole thread, and being a divorced person myself, the advice I'll give you is difficult. This might sound impossible, but you need to cut off contact. Just cut it off completely. You know enough to realize you can't be friends, and now you have to be a little selfish in order to begin healing. Right now, she gets to decide to contact you or not, whatever SHE feels like, but all that's going to do is cause you more pain. She's comforting herself, and unintentionally or not, using you as a crutch. She's sad, so she comforts herself by finally responding to your texts, but when you're sad, she can't seem to be bothered. That's not fair and not right.

Breakups can be horribly messy things, and you need to do whatever is going to make YOU feel better, without worrying about hurting her feelings.

I'm sure some will disagree, but it's a fucking terrible thing to get involved during a divorce. The person divorcing needs to take a break from relationships, reflect, figure out where to go from there, and figure out what they've learned, and what's next. Jumping into another relationship right away usually leads to disaster, hence the term "rebound relationship". It sounds like that's what happened here, even if it wasn't on purpose. In this regard, being LD is actually an advantage, IMO. You aren't going to run into her in the grocery store, see her at a traffic light, hear your friends talking about her, or pine away in front of her house. This gives you the opportunity to not see her, which isn't a bad thing.

I'm really sorry you're going through this, I think merlinkitty gave great advice by telling her you will not be in contact for a year, but you have to stick with it, if you say it. Good luck.

[austexas24]

After reading through this whole thread, and being a divorced person myself, the advice I'll give you is difficult. This might sound impossible, but you need to cut off contact. Just cut it off completely. You know enough to realize you can't be friends, and now you have to be a little selfish in order to begin healing. Right now, she gets to decide to contact you or not, whatever SHE feels like, but all that's going to do is cause you more pain. She's comforting herself, and unintentionally or not, using you as a crutch. She's sad, so she comforts herself by finally responding to your texts, but when you're sad, she can't seem to be bothered. That's not fair and not right.

Breakups can be horribly messy things, and you need to do whatever is going to make YOU feel better, without worrying about hurting her feelings.

I'm sure some will disagree, but it's a fucking terrible thing to get involved during a divorce. The person divorcing needs to take a break from relationships, reflect, figure out where to go from there, and figure out what they've learned, and what's next. Jumping into another relationship right away usually leads to disaster, hence the term "rebound relationship". It sounds like that's what happened here, even if it wasn't on purpose. In this regard, being LD is actually an advantage, IMO. You aren't going to run into her in the grocery store, see her at a traffic light, hear your friends talking about her, or pine away in front of her house. This gives you the opportunity to not see her, which isn't a bad thing.

I'm really sorry you're going through this, I think merlinkitty gave great advice by telling her you will not be in contact for a year, but you have to stick with it, if you say it. Good luck.

I do feel a bit like the rebound, even though in the beginning of our relationship one of her biggest fears was her friends thinking that I would be just that...a rebound. Maybe I wasn't, maybe I was. I know the best thing to do is to completely cut off contact as many of you have mentioned, and you're right Moon, the LD aspect is a big help. I just don't think I could go a year without speaking to her. I'd like to go 2 months and then reach out and sort of "start again". In saying so, I will continue to see others if I'm ready and I feel like going for it. I won't hold myself back.

There are those you date and you see some flaws but you overlook them because you love the person. I never saw any flaws in her. Not present in the relationship and not now in retrospect. I believe tomorrow will be the last time I speak to her for a couple of months. It's hard to say goodbye to someone I love so deeply but I know if there's any chance of reconnecting it what's I have to do.

As always I want to thank each of you who has taken the time to read my story and respond. I have taken something away from each post and as each day passes I get a little stronger and feel a little better. Hopefully we can get some answers tomorrow.

[merlinkitty]

Take care of yourself first, hun. I know you're not ready to see this, but she's not perfect. We're all flawed human beings trying to make it through this world as best we can. Take what she gives you tomorrow and move forward. You owe that to yourself. Always know we're here if you need a chat. Best wishes.

[austexas24]

Hey all, I figured I owed you all an update. So we ended up skyping last Saturday (Jan 31), the conversation was light, I did most of the crying. I got to ask a few questions didn't really learn much but we agreed to just try to skype once a week and just leave the communication up in the air, no rules or limits.

A few days passed, I still didn't feel good but at least we were talking still. Anyways, trying to I guess "Win her back" or get it back to normal i asked her if she could call me just to chat. She did, but since she was at work our conversations kept getting cut off. I would get 5 minutes, then wait 10 for her to call back, then get 8, then wait 10 minutes. This happened about 4-5 times and the conversation mostly revolved around what we've been doing and not about the relationship. It felt so awkward for me and so forced. I would try to say things that I used to (flirty) and she would be kind of cold about it. I eventually just opened up and said that this sucks and said I feel like I didn't get to say everything I wanted to say last time, that I want to be with you and I just don't understand what happened. She forgot she had an appointment and had to end the call...

I was a little angry at this point and just told myself to relax and wait. Luckily she called me back not to long after and we were able to finish the conversation. I'll explain in a minute what was said since we had our final conversation this Saturday, where it finally got all out in the open and I was able to fully get everything out that I wanted to say and ask, and she was extremely honest.

It basically came down to her wanting to close some chapters in her life and that she didn't want to continue to lead me on or make me wait. I explained to her how much I loved her, that I wanted to start a family with her and spend the rest of my life with her. That I would move there, I would basically do whatever it took. She told me, Don't you want someone that will do that for you too? It kind of hit me that she was right. She doesn't want to give herself to me if she can't give 110%. I think she wants to end the divorce, have some time to be herself and get over him before jumping into another relationship or continuing the one with me. I understand.

We both agreed that we both needed space. That we wouldn't contact each other. She acknowledged that she doesn't want to stop talking to me, that she still loves me, but honesty, we both need to be apart. It was too hard for me to only have half the person she used to be.

So here I am, I'm single. We haven't spoken since Saturday. I still love her, and I still miss her. I'm not going to rush to find anyone, and I won't hold out for her in hopes that we may get back together. But....if I still feel the way I do now about her, and I still miss/love her. I may reach out to her in May and see if we can start over or if the flame is even there. Please note I said if i still feel the same.

Her birthday is coming up on the 12th, I've sent her flowers and will send a text to wish her a happy birthday as she did so much for mine. But I fear that may be the last time we speak to each other for a couple of months. That will be the hardest part of all of this. Not speaking to her. Not knowing how she is. My emotions are day to day, and go from anger to sadness.

I wish I could fix this, but it looks like my only option is to say goodbye and hope that she comes back one day.

Thank you all so much...hopefully I can provide a happy update one day

[merlinkitty]

You know, you may not feel like it, but this was kind of a happy update. What I heard you say is you're giving yourself a chance. I think that's great

[p_b82]

As I am going through the same thing, but with less closure, I can say that while the breakup is not good, at least you two have been able to have an open and hoenst conversation about things and know 'how it went down' as it were. For me that is more important than anything else, and I don't think I will get that luxury.

I hope the healing process is not too painful for you.

[austexas24]

As I am going through the same thing, but with less closure, I can say that while the breakup is not good, at least you two have been able to have an open and hoenst conversation about things and know 'how it went down' as it were. For me that is more important than anything else, and I don't think I will get that luxury.

I hope the healing process is not too painful for you.

Sorry to hear you're going through a similar issue. I don't think her heart wanted to leave me but her head was telling her she needed to do it. I hope you find your closure in some way. Just know I didn't get it right away either, it took about 2-3 weeks and about 5 conversations to finally get it all out. I don't think she was holding back per-say, she just didn't know how to say it, and she her self didn't want to cut off contact either.

[Honour]

Sorry to hear you're going through a similar issue. I don't think her heart wanted to leave me but her head was telling her she needed to do it. I hope you find your closure in some way. Just know I didn't get it right away either, it took about 2-3 weeks and about 5 conversations to finally get it all out. I don't think she was holding back per-say, she just didn't know how to say it, and she her self didn't want to cut off contact either.

Good luck to you, and p_b82, I hope that the future will bless you with a lot of happiness and that things work out as you hope they will, OP, in the future when she isn't at breaking point.

[Miasmata]

I think you made very good decisions here. You can be proud of yourself. Take good care of yourself now, and look into the future with an open mind. Nobody knows what it will bring yet, but treating yourself well and occupying yourself positively will be good either way. Take care

[Redheart14]

You're doing the right thing, take care of yourself first and foremost. You deserve to be put first, remember that and don't settle for anything less.