Girlfriend of 9 months asked for space...

[Kapwned]

I still get the impression that part of you is still holding onto a glimmer of hope. You're trying to analyze what she may be feeling and thinking when texting you when really she could simply be trying to be friends. I am the type who doesn't like to be friends with exes. With my last ex we tried to be friends but it just didn't work. He had broken up with me, I was still in love with him and wanted him in my life. He still regarded me as a best friend and of course wanted to be a regular part of each others lives but in the end it as toxic for me. Other than physical affection and saying I love you he didn't really treat me all that differently and it lead me to believe he may still have feelings for me. He didn't. When I re-confessed my feelings and asked if he still felt the same (because I strongly felt like he did) it completely backfired. He said he not only didn't feel the same, he felt I was a pain in the ass and a bunch of other horrible things.

That was when I knew I had to cut him out. If I didn't my feelings would linger and I didn't deserve to be spoken to in such a way and strung along.

Some people can be friends post breakup, others can't. No one is in the wrong and perhaps you're in a similar situation. She can handle being friends with someone post breakup, but it seems like you can't. Could you deal with her coming to you one day to tell you about a date she went on? Could you deal with seeing photos of her with another guy with his arms around her? If not, then you can't just be friends. At least not right now.

[austexas24]

I still get the impression that part of you is still holding onto a glimmer of hope. You're trying to analyze what she may be feeling and thinking when texting you when really she could simply be trying to be friends. I am the type who doesn't like to be friends with exes. With my last ex we tried to be friends but it just didn't work. He had broken up with me, I was still in love with him and wanted him in my life. He still regarded me as a best friend and of course wanted to be a regular part of each others lives but in the end it as toxic for me. Other than physical affection and saying I love you he didn't really treat me all that differently and it lead me to believe he may still have feelings for me. He didn't. When I re-confessed my feelings and asked if he still felt the same (because I strongly felt like he did) it completely backfired. He said he not only didn't feel the same, he felt I was a pain in the ass and a bunch of other horrible things.

That was when I knew I had to cut him out. If I didn't my feelings would linger and I didn't deserve to be spoken to in such a way and strung along.

Some people can be friends post breakup, others can't. No one is in the wrong and perhaps you're in a similar situation. She can handle being friends with someone post breakup, but it seems like you can't. Could you deal with her coming to you one day to tell you about a date she went on? Could you deal with seeing photos of her with another guy with his arms around her? If not, then you can't just be friends. At least not right now.

Thank you so much for sharing your story. I've never been able to maintain a friendship after an ended relationship, and this is the first time where an ex that ended it was actually the one trying to keep the friendship alive. I was prepared to never speak to her again, not because I didn't want to, but because that's usually how it goes. The hardest part for me is walking away when I don't know what her intentions are, and especially when I do ask the hard questions, they go unanswered.

In those last messages I sent yesterday I asked her if there was a chance of us getting back together, or if she was still in love with me. If she had simply told me no to both I would have felt better knowing and saying okay...it is just a friendship, do I want that right now? Probably not. But by her not responding and not answering the questions, I'm left wondering...what is going on.

There have been several instances where she has said or inferred that maybe this will in turn lead us back to each other, and granted that could be her way of saying its over without trying to hurt me but it gives me false hope and that's not right.

I'm not ready to see her with another guy, that's part of the reason I deleted her from snap chat and why I prevent myself from looking at all forms of her social media. This was my first relationship where I truly experienced love, where I actually know deep down I would have married this woman and was willing to relocate myself to a whole new life in another country. That's big for me...I would be walking away from a lot for her.

Now that I've rambled on I know that I do want to stay in touch with her, but only because I think there's a chance we would see each other again. I wouldn't however stop myself from seeing others or putting myself out there, but I know it would be unhealthy, and ultimately, if one of us got into a relationship, I doubt our new SO's would want us speaking to our ex's. I've never been the one to cut off the communication, I'm a lover, and I always try to work things out, I think that's why I'm struggling so much with this. I'm just tired of this...it's draining and there is no perfect answer.

[p_b82]

Hey all! Figured I would post a little update being as it's been about a month since my last post. Emotionally I'm a lot further along than where I was, I'm much happier, but I still have those days where I think of her, which is normal I suspect. Being that I knew it was over in my last post here I decided to send her boots that she bought and left behind here in Texas within the next few days. With it I wrote a letter, it basically expressed how thankful I was to meet her, how I learned so much in our time together, and that I will always love her and wish her the best. It probably took me a good 5-7 hours to write...it was only a page though, I just wanted this letter to be the way she remembered me.

Anyways, a few days before she received the letter and about a week since the last incident she texted me wishing me well again, I just responded back you too. The letter arrived 5 or so days later, she texted me, told me she cried and that it really rocked her emotionally, we texted for probably another 10 minutes before she went to bed...

Then I didn't hear from her again...until 3 days ago or about 2 weeks after the letter. She wanted to wish me a Happy Easter, and I guess she saw a photo of me with my sister at a sporting event, so she commented on that.

I thought she was gone for good...that I wouldn't hear from her again, as did my friends...it was shocking and another "what the hell" moment for me. To put this all into perspective, she ended it with me. We both agreed on space. Then at least once every week thereafter for 2 months (until this final 2 week one) she initiated the conversation.

Before responding I pondered just ignoring her, telling her to leave me alone, or just letting it go and texting her. I went with option three, we had a good long conversation, nothing about the past, but about what we were up too, she was sending emogees again, lots of "haha" and "lol". Which even when we were dating she didn't do it that much. If she took a while to respond she would apologize for it. At one point I brought up the past and I told her I was surprised she contacted me again, that I didn't think I would hear from her, and she said "why wouldn't I silly?" ...So I basically said the truth, that this is all new territory for me in talking to ex's, and basically once the past relationship got brought up she went cold and distant again, she still responded but...not with all the "haha".

I honestly don't understand the motives here. I never knew her as a friend, so I don't know if this is what shes like in that role. I'm now in a mental battle with myself of whether I can handle this being friends thing and if it's something I want, or if I'm not ready and maybe I'm doing it in hopes we get back together. It's not like either one of us will benefit or be able to use the other for some unknown reason at this point when we live in different countries.

I've recited this story to all of my friends...they all have no clue why she's continuing to contact me. Is this something people do when the end a relationship in a good way? Is she using me to fill a void when shes sad? Is she just trying to be a friend?

My attitude on it is, SHE dumped me because it was "hard" and the "timing". Yet, SHE wants to be friends because "I'm so special to her" and "nothing bad ever happened between us". Her words...in the quotes.

Sounds like she wants to be single at this time after getting out of the marriage, but she also wants me there. But who fucking knows anymore lol. Please know I am happy, and good with life, I'm just in a "wtf" do I do place.

-Karl

Hey there Karl, it sounds as though your situation has actually gone the reverse of mine, your ex wants you in her life and your support and is willing to reach out and communicate and try and repair the damage, my ex is/has done the opposite, and I have since removed her from FB,G+ and sent earlier in the week, probably my last ever email to her - I doubt she will respond to what I have had to say in a positive fashion, and based on experience instead of taking what I have said on board and trying to see things my side, and help me see her actions during and post breakup in a less negative light, she will focus on the words and how they make her feel, and will be all butt hurt again. And I've said if that is how she feels on reading it, we are done, because I will not get over this unless she is able to accept her responsibility in the way she hurt and used me.
And tbh cutting contact and not talking to her, is actually what I would rather do at this moment in time, but my irritating sense of loyalty wants to give her the chance to show me she is still the good person I once knew, and is not a selfish 'taker' she showed me in the way she broke up with me and then afterwards.

Personally I think your ex is as confused as the other's have said, and is using you as a crutch when she is lonely to make herself feel better, even though there is nothing more than that to it - IMO.

I don't think you should have asked about getting back together - not after the time that has passed, as you say it has left you emotionally in turmoil now, and you are not going to be able to move on while you mind is thinking like that. I asked my ex the same thing, and while she took a week to tell me no, with lots of valid reasons based on the past and probable future, the real truth was she has already met some-one else.

Honestly, if you keep thinking along the lines of what is she doing this for, and why is she like this and things like that, you are not emotionally detaching yourself from her. You now no longer need to second guess, or ponder these things. If you like talking to her, then talk, but don't question why she is doing it, or the frequency at which it comes. Or if you can't do that, stop talking to her until you no longer think about her in more than just a 'I wonder how she is today' like you do with any of your other friends.... there is nothing wrong with taking a break from things to sort yourself out, and if this is meant to be a good friendship, telling her that is what you are doing and then reaching out when you feel better about things will not impact that at all in the longer term.

Glad to read that you are in a much better place yourself though

[austexas24]

Hey there Karl, it sounds as though your situation has actually gone the reverse of mine, your ex wants you in her life and your support and is willing to reach out and communicate and try and repair the damage, my ex is/has done the opposite, and I have since removed her from FB,G+ and sent earlier in the week, probably my last ever email to her - I doubt she will respond to what I have had to say in a positive fashion, and based on experience instead of taking what I have said on board and trying to see things my side, and help me see her actions during and post breakup in a less negative light, she will focus on the words and how they make her feel, and will be all butt hurt again. And I've said if that is how she feels on reading it, we are done, because I will not get over this unless she is able to accept her responsibility in the way she hurt and used me.
And tbh cutting contact and not talking to her, is actually what I would rather do at this moment in time, but my irritating sense of loyalty wants to give her the chance to show me she is still the good person I once knew, and is not a selfish 'taker' she showed me in the way she broke up with me and then afterwards.

Personally I think your ex is as confused as the other's have said, and is using you as a crutch when she is lonely to make herself feel better, even though there is nothing more than that to it - IMO.

I don't think you should have asked about getting back together - not after the time that has passed, as you say it has left you emotionally in turmoil now, and you are not going to be able to move on while you mind is thinking like that. I asked my ex the same thing, and while she took a week to tell me no, with lots of valid reasons based on the past and probable future, the real truth was she has already met some-one else.

Honestly, if you keep thinking along the lines of what is she doing this for, and why is she like this and things like that, you are not emotionally detaching yourself from her. You now no longer need to second guess, or ponder these things. If you like talking to her, then talk, but don't question why she is doing it, or the frequency at which it comes. Or if you can't do that, stop talking to her until you no longer think about her in more than just a 'I wonder how she is today' like you do with any of your other friends.... there is nothing wrong with taking a break from things to sort yourself out, and if this is meant to be a good friendship, telling her that is what you are doing and then reaching out when you feel better about things will not impact that at all in the longer term.

Glad to read that you are in a much better place yourself though

p_b82,

I always look forward to your responses, and I'm glad to see you're still hanging around here offering your opinion. I should feel lucky that things ended peacefully, and that while I did get my heart broken, at least I know it wasn't an easy decision for her, and that she still wants me in her life. I'm sorry you're experiencing the other version of that, with my prior ex before this relationship, she left me for a causal group friend and I found out via snap chat by seeing her sitting on his lap, and less than a month later they were BF/GF. I know that pain all too well...

I should also be appreciative that she has at least responded to some of my questions, as I think getting answers of any kind is a huge help in allowing someone to move on. As I woke up today it felt as though I had an epiphany, I felt calm...I just realized I don't need her in my life, I don't need to speak to her, and I can limit the contact on my own terms. She know's exactly how I feel about her, and if she doesn't want to be with me than I should find someone who does. I do want to remain a friend to her as she has taught me and allowed me to experience thing's I never thought possible. Hell....I got to go to Australia for 2 weeks! I think with any relationship ending it's two parts, one you miss the ex because they may or may not have been the love of your life, and two, your single...and you have to start all over.

Being that she's currently on a trip, I think I may send her a text when she returns and check in if I feel up to it. I just feel good knowing that I don't need her to be happy, although I do want her. Knowing that is huge.

p_b82, you should take solace in knowing you tried everything you could have to one save the relationship, and two keep her in your life as a friend and someone you care about. They say you can't make someone love you (I tried) and it's true. You should have no regrets, as like I, it sounds like you did everything you could, and you did it in a respectable and mature manner. I think you owe it to yourself to stick to the no contact and heal yourself, if she's already seeing someone else, she's doing it to get over you which is an immature thing to do.

-Karl

[p_b82]

Heh, I might be able to give advice but I don't take it from myself, but glad I have helped

I had that same epiphany you had a while back, it is one of those moments when you realise you are starting to move on, and that things are moving in the right direction in terms of healing.... It took me 12 months with my previous ex to have that, and a further 6 months after that to be ready to get into another relationship, so for this to happen after only a number weeks tells me something. And you are right, I have done everything I can, if she doesn't wish to step up, then it is no skin off my nose, and my life is not going to be worse as a result, as currently she is not really even my friend.

I do not believe that she has found some-one to 'replace' me in that respect, but actually she has met the man that she actually should have waited for her whole life, all the other relationships were her killing time and filling a 'hole' both metaphorically and physically, that she needed to have filled.... Means she has left a trail of broken hearts in her wake, and has different fathers for her kids, but that is just the way some people choose to go in life - I hoped it was going to be different with me, but not surprised it wasn't with retrospection.

I think you have the same attititude to the ending of the relationship, and have been able to take the positives out a pretty shitty situation you found yourself in, puts you in good stead for the future that. I have been able to do the same this time, because I have learnt a lot of good and bad thigns about myself in the past 8 months that I would not have learnt had I been single.... I'll take what lessons I can when I can if they make me a 'better' person over all

[RyanTheAsianBoy]

Don't worry! I may be young and still have a lot to understand but i have been through just 9 months today, and a few days ago, she wanted space. I gave her time and what has happened is were still together perfect again.

[Miasmata]

Don't worry! I may be young and still have a lot to understand but i have been through just 9 months today, and a few days ago, she wanted space. I gave her time and what has happened is were still together perfect again.

Please actually read the thread if you reply. I know it's a rather long thread by this point, but if you can't contribute anything useful, it's okay to just read/skim and not reply.

[Kapwned]

Again I still think you're overanalyzing it. When I confronted my ex and asked if he still had feelings for me it took him awhile to respond to me as well. It turns out he was trying to find a way to word it in a way that he could shut down the topic for good because he felt that if gave me a simple no that I'd maybe ask again months later. She may simply find it hard to tell you no. She cares about you and probably doesn't want to hurt you, so maybe she was unsure of how to say things.

[austexas24]

Again I still think you're overanalyzing it. When I confronted my ex and asked if he still had feelings for me it took him awhile to respond to me as well. It turns out he was trying to find a way to word it in a way that he could shut down the topic for good because he felt that if gave me a simple no that I'd maybe ask again months later. She may simply find it hard to tell you no. She cares about you and probably doesn't want to hurt you, so maybe she was unsure of how to say things.

Hey Kapwned, I don't think she had one overall reason for ending our relationship, I believe she just wanted to know that she could be happy on her own, without having a relationship there to provide it. She mentioned this a couple of times and she probably does want to get back to being herself, I guess she feels that she lost it along the way at some point. I believe that if she knew the reason, she would tell me. The new person she is, or I guess her normal self isn't really the girl I knew, her texting mannerism's were all so strange and different to me, I know our relationship is different now but it's just weird to see someone in a different light when you're used to another version of themselves. My friends who are still friends with her on snap chat tell me that she post's a lot of photos to her "mystory" now, which she rarely did before. I feel like she's trying to prove she's happy and okay, hopefully she is, but I'm glad I separated myself from that.

I'm still fortunate enough to be able to control the communication between us and when or if I want to communicate with her. I want to reach out to her one day, but I feel good right now. It's funny because the single life (once you start to move on) is like a breath of fresh air. It's so freeing and relaxing. I met a girl this past weekend, and we have a date setup for Wednesday. I'm not going to rush anything but I want to see what else is out there, and maybe I'll realize something I didn't realize before about my previous relationship. I do know it's a little hard for me to get excited about dating again, I feel very numb to it right now but we will see where it goes!

[whatruckus]

Hey Kapwned, I don't think she had one overall reason for ending our relationship, I believe she just wanted to know that she could be happy on her own, without having a relationship there to provide it. She mentioned this a couple of times and she probably does want to get back to being herself, I guess she feels that she lost it along the way at some point. I believe that if she knew the reason, she would tell me. The new person she is, or I guess her normal self isn't really the girl I knew, her texting mannerism's were all so strange and different to me, I know our relationship is different now but it's just weird to see someone in a different light when you're used to another version of themselves. My friends who are still friends with her on snap chat tell me that she post's a lot of photos to her "mystory" now, which she rarely did before. I feel like she's trying to prove she's happy and okay, hopefully she is, but I'm glad I separated myself from that.

I'm still fortunate enough to be able to control the communication between us and when or if I want to communicate with her. I want to reach out to her one day, but I feel good right now. It's funny because the single life (once you start to move on) is like a breath of fresh air. It's so freeing and relaxing. I met a girl this past weekend, and we have a date setup for Wednesday. I'm not going to rush anything but I want to see what else is out there, and maybe I'll realize something I didn't realize before about my previous relationship. I do know it's a little hard for me to get excited about dating again, I feel very numb to it right now but we will see where it goes!

I'm happy that you're happy now, and in a better place! I was little worried about you, you were so stubborn at first! :P

[austexas24]

I'm happy that you're happy now, and in a better place! I was little worried about you, you were so stubborn at first! :P

Haha, of course, I thought this was the woman I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with! Love makes you a little crazy sometimes. Thanks again for giving me the hard word a time or two, it was what I needed.

[austexas24]

Hey all, figured I would post one final update on what I'm sure will be the last discussion involving my ex girlfriend. So about 5 days after last posting here (April 13th), I said screw it, I'll be a friend regardless of what happens. I sent her a text wishing her well, and sent her a song to listen too. Nothing romantic, just a friendly gesture. She simply responds (a few hours later) "I emailed you a letter." I went and read it, and it was almost sort of a response to the one I sent earlier in the month. It was nice, confirmed things that I wanted to know, that everything she felt for me was real. I still didn't get any solid answers for as to why she broke it off other than a switch flipped and she doesn't know why. I got the "if you're ever in Australia, contact me."

If there is one thing I learned from this relationship is that you wont always get the answer, sometimes there simply isn't one.

It was sweet, nice, and made me feel good that she finally acknowledged our past. It was however a goodbye letter. I sent her a text after reading it a few times discussing parts of the letter and saying that I would be happy to remain friends at whatever level we deemed works. It took her probably 8 hours to respond and it was basically a, "we should just contact each other when we feel I guess, we don't want to see anything that might hurt each other." I had a pretty good idea of what that meant.

It's sort of sad that we can't remain friends but it's probably best for both of us at this point, maybe one day (years) from now we can reconnect as friends, maybe not. We haven't spoken since then and I'm okay with that. My sister and my good friend found a photo of her sitting on another guys lap, they didn't tell me at first but my sister finally felt the need to show me. She and her friend then proceeded to block everyone in Texas that was associated with me lol. I know she was doing it to prevent hurting me, and while i was shocked, it has been about 3 months, I don't blame her for moving on. I'm dating as well.

So yeah, thank you all for taking this journey with me. I hope that this thread helps others who feel lost, I know I will use this to remind myself that even when you feel like your life is over and you will never be okay again, that you actually will. I'm happy and excited to see what new opportunities arise with other women, what they can show me about love that I haven't already experienced, and what my future holds.

I will stick around as always and hopefully have even more good news to share with you all.

-Karl

[Redheart14]

All the best, I'm sure you'll find a lovely lady who will be perfect for you.

[R&R]

All the best, I'm sure you'll find a lovely lady who will be perfect for you.

I completely agree. You're exactly the type of guy I'd like to see my oldest daughter with. You will make some young woman very lucky.

[whatruckus]

I do hope that you find someone who will give you the time and attention, and most importantly love, that you need. I don't like that she was already sitting on other guys' laps while she was sitting there telling you she didn't want to be with you, and also telling you she wasn't sure. That, to me personally, doesn't sit well to me. Mostly because we've all seen what you've had to go through with her. I'm very happy that you're happy, and for the most part, you got your closure. It does suck that you guys can't be friends, but I really feel that it's better this way. Now, you can really move on with your life, and you're not going to be torn the way that you've been.