Why don't you want to marry your SO?

[80anthea]

I feel like it hasn't whatsoever. Some people (including myself) just want some explanations behind the perspectives of a couple of people because they're very powerful.

^^ this, I don't think I accused anyone of being wrong I just wanted to get them to see a different perspective that no matter how much you want something to work it doesn't always mean it will.

[bethyylovee]

I feel like it hasn't whatsoever. Some people (including myself) just want some explanations behind the perspectives of a couple of people because they're very powerful.

Well, it is just a little offensive when someone says that another person's view and opinion is ignorant. The intent was probably not offense, but it came across as such. Everyone's got different opinions, I don't think any of them are ignorant in anyway.

[SJ22]

Not that I am anywhere near getting married, but I am kind of hesitant to marry because 33% ends up in divorce...
Those were all people who thought they wouldn't be part of those 33% (otherwise: why marry if you have no faith? )
It really doesnt add anything to the relationship. Unlike living together which does add.
But who knows this might change when someone actually proposes to you. Maybe you couldnt care less about those 33% then.
Only time will tell and never say never

[80anthea]

Okay calm down guys. Don't let this thread get derailed or out of hand.

To answer some questions:
1) I know my SO like the back of my hand, and I can tell you honestly and truthfully that domestic violence would never be an issue for us. I know some people would say you can't say something like that, or never say never, but I know our personal situation and I know it for fact.

I've just had chance to read back through this and I'm genuinely interested in this. I'm not telling you that you are wrong but I'm intrigued, you don't have to answer if it makes you uncomfortable (I think I've covered all aspects of the standard LFAD disclaimer there )

Anyway...my question: how do you know this for fact?

I mean I sincerely hope you're right in your judgement but in my previous relationship there were no warning signs of his behaviour, even with the benefit of hindsight there were no warning signs before we were married.

[Hollandia]

If my first husband had shown signs of being an abusive b@#$ard that would try to kill my cats, throw furniture and emotionally scar my kid for life I would not have married him. He was an all american apple pie type of guy. He looked and acted like a perfect gentleman and was very GQ and prim and proper. I had met all his family and friends long before the wedding and there were no warning signs. A few years into the marriage it turned out that he was not who he had presented himself to be. I ended having to get a PFA ( Protection From Abuse) order after he threatened to kill me. I also had to have the league against domestic violence help me to get divorced because his family had money and lawyers. I don't regret divorcing him a bit. He walked away from the kid a few years after and decided, he did not wish to be bothered by being a father anymore. What a gem he was , it would have been neglectful to both myself and my daughter to have stayed with him.

If someone has never been through something like this, I don't really think you can say what, how or why stuff like this can occur. You can THINK you know, but you cannot truly know what it is liked unless you have walked in those shoes. You can assume whatever you wish about it but that is not factual. Stating things are factual when they are merely opinion is just incorrect. An opinion of thinking a certain way is fine, we are all entitled to them but that does not make our opinion any more right than others nor theirs wrong.

Some of the best serial killers are perfectly charming people until they decide not to be anymore.

[bethyylovee]

Again, I hold to my opinion. And will maintain that.

[80anthea]

Again, I hold to my opinion. And will maintain that.

So it's an opinion not fact then? As a scientist the difference concerns me.

[Black_Halloween]

When will you all lay off of her? Its boarderline cyberbullying to gang up on her like that. Grow up, all of you and realize that trying to change her opinion is rude.

[MissButterfly]

When will you all lay off of her? Its boarderline cyberbullying to gang up on her like that. Grow up, all of you and realize that trying to change her opinion is rude.

So asking someone questions about their perceptions is cyberbullying now? I think bethyylovee would have told us much earlier if she wasn't comfortable with it, but we've all been interested and respectful. She says she holds to her opinion which I think is admirable. You come off as a bit angry which I don't think is necessary in this case. We all respect each others opinions

[Hollandia]

When will you all lay off of her? Its boarderline cyberbullying to gang up on her like that. Grow up, all of you and realize that trying to change her opinion is rude.

I am not bullying her. It is important to make sure that there is a difference between a fact and an opinion. To say it was a fact that I should have either known better or stayed with him is incorrect. To say that it is her opinion of such, that is her opinion and she is entitled to it. I am fine with that.

[80anthea]

When will you all lay off of her? Its boarderline cyberbullying to gang up on her like that. Grow up, all of you and realize that trying to change her opinion is rude.

I don't think disagreeing is cyber bullying, if so I'm cyber bullying you now as I disagree with you on this.

I have a feeling that I'll never agree with bethyylovee on this but I am trying to understand why she has her opinion. I'm certainly not trying to change any opinions; the world would be incredibly dull if we all thought the same things.

Also, to add as an after thought: you say we need to grow up, I'd actually say being able to have a healthy debate without bringing anger into it, or being offended by a difference in opinion IS quite an adult skill to have.

[bethyylovee]

To clarify, I'm not upset in anyway at all. I don't feel like there are any personal attacks going on. However, I suppose I need to clarify some things.

1) If I said I hold my to my "fact," it wouldn't have sounded right and people would have gone off and ran with that. I guess you could say it's my opinion that I, personally, know for a fact. Whereas it is others' opinions that I do not know for fact.

2) Is it factual for you to say that you know that YOU yourself will not become a deranged murderer? If so, why is it different to say the same for your partner? Just some food for thought.

Again this is all supposed to be friendly conversation.

[Hollandia]

To clarify, I'm not upset in anyway at all. I don't feel like there are any personal attacks going on. However, I suppose I need to clarify some things.

1) If I said I hold my to my "fact," it wouldn't have sounded right and people would have gone off and ran with that. I guess you could say it's my opinion that I, personally, know for a fact. Whereas it is others' opinions that I do not know for fact.

2) Is it factual for you to say that you know that YOU yourself will not become a deranged murderer? If so, why is it different to say the same for your partner? Just some food for thought.

Again this is all supposed to be friendly conversation.

I never said I would not become one and if I did I would hope that whoever is with me makes sure to care their own safety into account first. If I started abusing someone I would never expect them to stay with me.

I am not upset in the slightest bit either. Just responding to the thread with my viewpoint.

[bethyylovee]

I never said I would not become one and if I did I would hope that whoever is with me makes sure to care their own safety into account first. If I started abusing someone I would never expect them to stay with me.

I am not upset in the slightest bit either. Just responding to the thread with my viewpoint.

My point is this: Can you say for fact that you will not become a murderer?

[80anthea]

To clarify, I'm not upset in anyway at all. I don't feel like there are any personal attacks going on. However, I suppose I need to clarify some things.

1) If I said I hold my to my "fact," it wouldn't have sounded right and people would have gone off and ran with that. I guess you could say it's my opinion that I, personally, know for a fact. Whereas it is others' opinions that I do not know for fact.

2) Is it factual for you to say that you know that YOU yourself will not become a deranged murderer? If so, why is it different to say the same for your partner? Just some food for thought.

Again this is all supposed to be friendly conversation.

I don't know what I will become in the future, again I hope I don't turn out to be a monster of any description but I certainly don't know.

My own personal jury is still out on the whole concept of free will and whether we have any choice in our actions at all. Like I explained earlier I come at this from an atheistic perspective but also from a quantum physics one. Ultimately I believe we are a consequence of the interactions of particles in our brain and we cannot possibly through thought alone control those.