Why don't you want to marry your SO?

[aniay]

In my opinion mariage is as important as both partners make it.

Been married for 10 years and it was way less important to me than being just partners right now with my SO.

My best friend had been with her boyfriend for 10 years, happily unmaried, they gathered money, found their own places in life and work and only then decided to get maried.

As a young girl I tended to think That 'I'll get maried and then we will live happily ever after' Now I know that The commitment as long as it is in hearts is what makes your relationship happy.

For some only Mariage is The Commitment for Others, words and feelings are enough.

[Malaga]

From my limited observations it seems like marriage is considered a logical extension of a long-term relationship but more in the US than it is in Europe. I think it may be because Europe is so divided - one part is quite conservative still and divorce isn't so easily available, while wedding rules and traditions are often very complicated and family and community are still quite involved. So we make more of a fuss if and when we should get married, like it's a huge irreversible step - so beware what you choose because you're stuck with it. It seems like Americans are more easygoing about it; if it works it works, if not, we'll divorce and try our luck elsewhere.

Another part of Europe (like Scandinavia) is very liberal in comparison and have a different perception of relationships. And in these countries long-term partners tend to have all the rights as legally married couples so there is no incentive to go through with these symbolic unions such as wedding and marriage.

Btw, I'm not attaching any judgment, just noticing the supposed difference.

[Rach321]

I didn't realize that only 9 states have common law marriage stipulations. We happen to live in one (Iowa). According to Wikipedia, these are the requirements,

"The three elements of a common-law marriage are: (1) the present intent and agreement to be married; (2) continuous cohabitation; and (3) public declaration that the parties are husband and wife. Martin, 681 N.W.2d at 617. The public declaration or holding out to the public is considered to be the acid test of a common-law marriage.[14]
701—73.25 Common law marriage. (cut and pasted from Iowa Law) A common law marriage is a social relationship between a man and a woman that meets all the necessary requisites of a marriage except that it was not solemnized, performed or witnessed by an official authorized by law to perform marriages. The necessary elements of a common law marriage are: (a) a present intent of both parties freely given to become married, (b) a public declaration by the parties or a holding out to the public that they are husband and wife, (c) continuous cohabitation together as husband and wife (this means consummation of the marriage), and (d) both parties must be capable of entering into the marriage relationship. No special time limit is necessary to establish a common law marriage. "

We have no plans to marry, but actually according to this, I would say we would be considered "common law." We are registered as domestic partners with our workplace, our bank considers us as "married" because we needed it to be set up that way to have some certain benefits (we bank with a credit union), our families consider us as "married", and we've lived together for more than 2 years. I thought Iowa had a time limit (5 or 7 years) for how long you had to live together. But it doesn't look like it's so.

We don't plan to marry for a few reasons, some of which I won't list here as we consider it private. But the main reason is that neither of us ever planned to marry. We both, from a young age, said we would never marry and just being together and committed to one another hasn't really changed those beliefs that we had. Additionally, both sets of our parents have divorced. And finally, we're at an age now (mid 30's) where many of our friends have already married and are now getting divorced. It doesn't really give us much confidence that a piece of paper and ceremony saying we are married is necessary to have a long, happy, committed relationship.

Though, I have been thinking more and more about having a commitment ceremony of some kind, just the two of us. So, in some ways, I suppose the idea of marriage appeals to me... Very interesting thread!

[rubydissolution]

It's always been my girlish fantasy to get married, so yea I want to. The thing for me was always finding the right person, because I only want to get married once. Both my SO and I see marriage in our future, but he won't propose until we can financially afford the wedding. I understand that, though the girlie girl inside me would be fine with a long engagement lol. I don't want to think of divorce as an option. My parents and his are both still married and going strong and we'd like to continue that. Also, marriage plays a big part in my whole future plan. First comes love then comes marriage then comes baby in the baby carriage...hehe! In that order!

To note, I suggested elopement and he laughed at me. His mother would never EVER allow that. He's the oldest, it'll be her first child's wedding. It's going to be a big deal. I always wanted a smaller wedding so I hope she will allow it.

[bethyylovee]

Thanks for all the responses! Very eye-opening! I guess Stephen and I just see it as another step in our lives. We both want things to go the traditional way. Not for our parents or families, but for us. I, personally, don't see any other way of us doing it.

...And since we're getting married at Disneyland, I'm STOKED.

I know marriage is not always "permanent" to all (obviously), but it is for us. Divorce is not, and will never be an option.

I mainly started this thread because I was recently told by a "friend" that marriage was childish, and as I grow and mature it won't seem important at all. I guess in a sense, that may be true. The fairy tale wedding dream and everything is something little girls usually dream of, as I have. However, no matter how old I get, I won't see marriage as a childish or juvenile thing. It's much more than the actual wedding to us, though. It's just being with together permanently, finally, that we want so badly. We don't believe in cohabitation or having children before marriage. (Again, religion is kicking in here.)

Everyone is different with their own way of doing things. And I don't think anyone has the right to say anyone else's is "wrong."

[Moon]

Your friend is wrong, plain and simple. Marriage isn't childish, never has been, it's a step most people take at some point at least. Don't let anyone try to convince you of that, I think marriage is actually important for society for many, many reasons, I just don't choose to take that road again. People have been using some form of commitment ceremony throughout history, it binds families, it's created alliances between countries, it's been used as peace offerings, and started great wars. Marriage always has it's place, even if that placed has changed as time has passed. Don't let anyone try to tell you otherwise.

I know this seems impossible to hear now, but never say divorce isn't an option though, you never, ever can know what life will be like 20, 30, or how ever many years from now Nobody goes into a marriage expecting it to fail.

[sarahjane1992]

Since I was a little girl, I've always dreamed of walking down the aisle in a big white dress. I'm very traditional in that way.
For me and my SO, we see marriage as the next step in our relationship. It solidifies our commitment and love for each other. I only want to marry one time, divorce is off the table.
His parents have been married for over 20 years and mine have been married for over 26 years. We both have a somewhat religious upbringing so that is a factor as well.
I want to call my SO my husband and take his last name. <3 that's a very important thing to me.
Marriage isn't a piece of paper. It's a commitment to each other. I've always wanted to get married and now that I've found the "one" I'm even more excited <3

[bethyylovee]

I still maintain that divorce is not an option. That's just my personal view on the matter. There's nothing that we can not work through and over come. He will change, as will I. And we're going to welcome and embrace any of those changes in one another. I believe marriage is absolutely for better and worse, no matter what, even after death.

[Moon]

I still maintain that divorce is not an option. That's just my personal view on the matter. There's nothing that we can not work through and over come. He will change, as will I. And we're going to welcome and embrace any of those changes in one another. I believe marriage is absolutely for better and worse, no matter what, even after death.

But, and I'm only asking out of curiosity (since it seems LFAD needs disclaimers for everything now), not arguing, or being morbid, what if he died at say, 30? Would you really never have another relationship again at such a young age? I know that's hard to think about, but you could easily live another 60 years after that, would you really do it alone? (Again, LFAD disclaimer - I don't mean to derail your thread, it's a good one, but I AM very curious at those last words, I am curious by nature and can't help it, you can ignore me if I've unintentionally offended you).

[sarahjane1992]

I still maintain that divorce is not an option. That's just my personal view on the matter. There's nothing that we can not work through and over come. He will change, as will I. And we're going to welcome and embrace any of those changes in one another. I believe marriage is absolutely for better and worse, no matter what, even after death.

I agree with this one hundred percent. Marriage is a commitment. A contract and a symbol of your love for each other.
I have family members who have gotten divorced. It effects both parties in the negative, especially if there is children involved.
Marriage is for better or worse. In my mind, if you love a person, you can work through problems. Divorce isn't an easy out. Many people see it as one. And that's pretty sad.

[80anthea]

I agree with this one hundred percent. Marriage is a commitment. A contract and a symbol of your love for each other.
I have family members who have gotten divorced. It effects both parties in the negative, especially if there is children involved.
Marriage is for better or worse. In my mind, if you love a person, you can work through problems. Divorce isn't an easy out. Many people see it as one. And that's pretty sad.

As someone who is divorced with a child I completely disagree with this. I got married age 26 after I'd known someone who I loved at the time, had one child with him. A year or so into the marriage he showed his true colours and became incredibly abusive. Divorce was the best thing I have ever done in that relationship, it was best for me and it was best for my daughter. We are all and I firmly include my daughter in that happier and better off out of that relationship.

Yes I will marry my SO, mainly as a way of making it easier to live together in the same country. I will go into that marriage completely open minded that NO-ONE knows what the future holds.

[sarahjane1992]

As someone who is divorced with a child I completely disagree with this. I got married age 26 after I'd known someone who I loved at the time, had one child with him. A year or so into the marriage he showed his true colours and became incredibly abusive. Divorce was the best thing I have ever done in that relationship, it was best for me and it was best for my daughter. We are all and I firmly include my daughter in that happier and better off out of that relationship.

Yes I will marry my SO, mainly as a way of making it easier to live together in the same country. I will go into that marriage completely open minded that NO-ONE knows what the future holds.

Domestic abuse or violence is a completely different story. Many people in society today get divorced because they're tired or bored with their spouse. Or they have problems they can't work out. In those situations, people take the easy way out.

[snow]

My brother's girlfriend doesn't want to get married at all (she's 22 now). I never truely understood all of the reasons, but from I understood she had a tough childhood being pushed around between her mom and dad when they got divorced so she doesn't want that for herself (she also doesn't want kids).
I can see how that could be a reason of never wanting to get married.

[80anthea]

Domestic abuse or violence is a completely different story. Many people in society today get divorced because they're tired or bored with their spouse. Or they have problems they can't work out. In those situations, people take the easy way out.

But you said earlier ' I only want to marry one time, divorce is off the table.' and bethylovee said 'I still maintain that divorce is not an option. That's just my personal view on the matter. There's nothing that we can not work through and over come. He will change, as will I. And we're going to welcome and embrace any of those changes in one another. I believe marriage is absolutely for better and worse, no matter what, even after death. ' which you 100% agreed with but now you don't as domestic abuse is a valid reason in your opinion?

We had a problem that we couldn't work out..... he was an abusive tw*t. Calling people 'sad' or saying they haven't tried hard enough from your idealistic fairytale tower is quite offensive whether you mean it to be or not.

[lucybelle]

But you said earlier ' I only want to marry one time, divorce is off the table.' and bethylovee said 'I still maintain that divorce is not an option. That's just my personal view on the matter. There's nothing that we can not work through and over come. He will change, as will I. And we're going to welcome and embrace any of those changes in one another. I believe marriage is absolutely for better and worse, no matter what, even after death. ' which you 100% agreed with but now you don't as domestic abuse is a valid reason in your opinion?

We had a problem that we couldn't work out..... he was an abusive tw*t. Calling people 'sad' or saying they haven't tried hard enough from your idealistic fairytale tower is quite offensive whether you mean it to be or not.

I think people who judge people who divorce are very condescending and out of touch with reality. One of the biggest issues I had before getting married was worrying about divorce. My parents are divorced, both remarried. My parents had an excellent relationship, and still have an excellent relationship. They just fell out of love. People are such dynamic creatures it's impossible to know how they will grow, change or develop as time moves on. I want my marriage to last as long as it should. And not a second longer. If that means until we're old and grey, cool. If it means only 5 years from now, cool. It is what it is. Getting out of a bad situation to make your life happier is never a cop out.