Bittersweet visit

[Tanja]

Tanja: believe me I'm trying to get him out of Disney, but it's worn him down so much mentally that he basically believes every other job will be like this until we have the money to let him 'retire' and work on his book. I've tried getting his resume from him to help look for jobs here, in Georgia, and even Florida but you know how some guys are, it's a pride thing. Aggravating, but there you have it.

The famous male stubbornness - I'm familiar with it! I guess there isn't much you can do from a distance especially if he doesn't want any help... Try playing the lottery?

As for all this DRAMA on this thread, maybe just close it? That'll shut 'em up. They clearly don't know anything about you OR your relationship.

[LadyMarchHare]

The famous male stubbornness - I'm familiar with it! I guess there isn't much you can do from a distance especially if he doesn't want any help... Try playing the lottery?

As for all this DRAMA on this thread, maybe just close it? That'll shut 'em up. They clearly don't know anything about you OR your relationship.

Well I'm as stubborn as any man so I will keep on trying to convince him to leave for better pastures. I had a dream this morning where he said he quit so I'm hoping that's a prediction of sorts. And believe me, I bought a lotto ticket the night I got home. I'd love to get at least enough to let him tell his boss to kiss his butt.

As stupid as this will probably sound, I'm not going to close this thread. If people have the gall to say what they are saying, let them do it to my face and not hide behind their hands and whisper. Yes I'm angry and yes I'm tired of repeating myself, but I'm not going to close the thread. I'd rather raise hell and show that I'm loyal to my SO than back down.

[Michelle]

My guess is transportation. He doesn't have a car (he's saving, he told me he almost had one before I came but the guy wanted 6k up front) and because he has a suspended license for whatever reason he couldn't rent a car so his main mode of transport was catching rides from coworkers and none of them were willing to drive out that far to get him and of course cabs get expensive quick. I know it cost me over $60 each day to take a cab to and from Epcot and the damn place was only 8 miles away. Plus it was the weekend and he works the worst hours on weekends, getting up at dawn and coming home around 1 or 2 am. Plus I think in the end it may have been worse since it wears him out so much. I know the first night even though he got off early, he passed out pretty early from working so hard.

OH, that makes sense. Ha, Frank lives in Boston and having to drive 10 miles to go somewhere is a lot and takes a long time due to all the traffic. I imagine Orlando is pretty much the same. It's funny because I live out in the sticks and I have to travel 20 miles just to get to a store, which is like nothing to us because you pretty much drive on one road most of the way there with no traffic, and maybe have to go through two stoplights depending on where you're going/which way you take. It probably takes the same amount of time to drive 20 miles out here as it does to drive 10 miles in Boston And dumb taxis. The first and only time I've ever been in one was when I went to Massachusetts for a job fair. Frank had to work, but dropped me off at the job fair before he went. The job fair ended earlier than Frank could get out of work, but he gave me a $10 bill and told me to take the taxi to the mall which was just a few miles away. So I took a taxi and got dropped off at the mall and the driver told me I owed $20! haha, it's a good thing I didn't buy lunch at the job fair with the other cash I had or otherwise I wouldn't have had enough. I had $22 and gave it all to him. Then sadly I had to window shop for 5 hours in heels with no money (I still don't think I went through the entire mall... it was the Burlington Mall, same one Mall Cop was filmed at, which is effing huge!) and eventually when my feet couldn't take it anymore, I fell asleep in one of the comfy chairs till Frank came to get me. It does suck to be stuck somewhere without a car. And when neither of you have a car... I just can't imagine. Hattie should get a junker like me. I have a 2000 Alero and it cost me $2900, and it works! I have had it for a couple years and it hasn't needed any major repairs. My first car was only $1200 and I got a couple years out of that one. I agree, $6K is too much.

And just to address others' posts, I know I was never trying to insinuate anything about Hattie when I asked why he couldn't spend the night. I was only curious about the circumstances that prevented that. Him not having the transportation and having to rely on others to get him around would be difficult, I know what that's like.

But anyways, LadyMarchHare, definitely talk to him about considering getting a cheaper car. He probably would have enough to get one right now. The less he has to spend on a car, the sooner he can buy one, and the sooner he gets a car, the sooner he can get a different job and move out of his current apartment because he won't have to rely on roommates/coworkers to shuttle him around. And the sooner he gets a different job and move out, the sooner you two can be happy, because as Tanja said, this job he is currently at is terrible not just for him but for your relationship as well. Also if he's not living with those particular roommates you'll be able to stay with him instead of being stuck at a hotel. And your trips will be less expensive! Which means potentially more trips! Especially so if he has a car, because he'll be able to drive to see you! And he'll be able to save money for a trip to see you instead of needing to save it for a car.

Him getting a cheaper car could work wonders!

[Zephii]

Mate, at the risk of upsetting you more and making you hate me, I will tell you why people are being cruel. Because honesty is what I do. Realise that I never intend to hurt anyone, but if you have to hate someone, you can let that person be me as long as you promise me you will really consider what I'm saying here.

We are concered. Granted, some people here are just stupid arseholes who can't be bothered to read before replying - but the majority do genuinely care.

The reason people seem to be attacking him and are saying the things that hurt you (I know I've done this too) is because we would all like to think that we would never stay in a relationship where we are treated so poorly. There are so many red flags here that for bystanders it does seem crazy that you let it continue to happen, honestly. There are too many excuses on his part and no where near enough effort - no matter what his reasons for that are, frankly.

You have amazed us all with your courage, but we're all aware that you're pretty inexperienced when it comes to blokes (that's not a bad thing it's just a fact) and we probably all remember our first relaionship mistakes. We don't want you getting as hurt as we did. We don't want you to have this massive bad experience that will scare you back into your shell when you've come so far. We also know that with inexperience comes a lack of knowledge of what is right and what should happen. And I look back and wish I'd listened to my sister when she said to me "You think you're happy because you have nothing to compare it to". At the time I thought she was the biggest bitch in the world... but if I listened I might not have wasted five years of my life.

I'd rather raise hell and show that I'm loyal to my SO than back down.

This is why I'm trying to be gentle, in my own clumsy way. I know that the more people who insult him and your relationship, the closer together you will cling. I know people cling together and get swept up in the notion of "us against the world" because it's romantic and all that crap and really that does the opposite of what we're trying to achieve with our advice.
No, I don't want to see yous break up that's alway a last resort but I do want you to have a fulfilling successful relationship and that's not what you're getting. I know you deserve more than what you're getting, I'm just scared that you wont believe me.

[Miramaid]

I wasn't intentionally being disrespectful or spiteful, like I said, the only people who truly can comment on a relationship are the people in it. I was directly asked if that's what I meant, and I said I wasn't trying to insinuate anything.

Agreed with everything said above. I was asked and I answered. I was not trying to hurt anyone or to be mean. I also stated that I did NOT know the man and their story and no one knows him better than her and my judgments were ONLY based on THIS post and it may note be the best judgment.
I personally wish EVERYONE on this forum to be in a great relationship and end up marrying your SO. EVERYONE. I am in LDR myself and i know how that feels and what ppl are going through and what all of us want and dream of. When I have issues with my SO not once I was told on here to leave him. I never took it as an offense and with my comment I too did not mean any offense.

[LadyMarchHare]

Michelle: Point being he's actively looking for a car, it's just really hard to find a used one in decent condition where the owners don't want an arm and a leg for it, especially in a city where having a car is key. Course I have no idea how long he's been looking so who knows. Eventually he'll find something and that'll open doors.

Zephii: While I don't agree with some things you've said I know that you, at the very least, are genuinely concerned and looking out for my wellbeing as opposed to a few who have just shat out the latest and greatest accusation just because something doesn't sit right with them.

First of all, I would like to say in no way am I being treated poorly. I'm not being disrespected, believe me I know when I am, and any hurt I get is unintentional and created from a third party problem, not him. No we don't talk every day, no we haven't been on webcam since some time last Spring, yes we have communication problems due to lack of time but how that raises the infamous red flags I'll never know because from my perspective the only shitty thing about the relationship I'm in is dealing with his job and, of course, the distance.

I also may be inexperienced firsthand with relationships, but I am not entirely ignorant to how one should be, long distance or not. I've witnessed the hell long distance relationships can bring and seen what abusive relationships are. Yes I'm new to dating, but that doesn't automatically mean I'm not capable of holding a successful one. I mean look at the others here who have been with their first loves and stayed with them, married them, etc. First doesn't mean worst and no relationship is ever perfect regardless of whether it's your first or thirty-first.

As for my "clinging", I have a strong loyalty line. Once someone has gained my trust and loyalty, it takes an act of congress and a world war to break it and honestly all these accusations are making me love my boyfriend more because I know without a doubt he's not doing any of these things he's been accused of and I'm that damn grateful. I'm biting back with such vigor because of my loyalty to him and my trust and faith in him, which considering I don't trust a lot of people should say a grand mouthful.

My boyfriend does not abuse me. He does not disrespect me. He did not abandon me nor does he lie to me. The only fault is he has a job that demands his life and he doesn't have the willpower to break free. Were his job not a factor in this equation I can guarantee I wouldn't be catching such flack about this being a bad/abusive/dangerous/whatever relationship. My God, does it really matter that much that he has an awful job and can't exactly up and quit and win the lottery or somesuch to whisk me away into the land of fairies and castles?

Maybe I'm blindsided by my biased opinion, who knows, but I think you're all a little off in the head for claiming there's huge red flags in my relationship for this.

[Caitlin2009]

right ok i did apologize to you in PM for what i said, maybe some things i was a bit harsh but like a few people have said we are worried about you, we dont want to see you get hurt thats why were trying to make you pay attention to all these signs before things get out of hand, please try to understand that.

[LadyMarchHare]

Then name the goddamn "signs" instead of pulling accusations out your ass and hoping I see the insinuation. I'm tired of people alluding to them instead of being outright direct and telling me what their real concerns are. The only thing I'm seeing is everyone jumping to wild conclusions just because my visit didn't go as we had planned it and he unfortunately had to work.

[toggle]

I'm sorry that I offended you. Sometimes things don't come out right when you type them. I originally just wrote the first response and then added another saying the thought crossed my mind because I felt guilty for not being 100% honest. And then I felt even guiltier when I found out it had upset people so I deleted my last comment, and then even guiltier when it was pointed out that I deleted it. I was hoping that you wouldn't read it because I know I would be extremely upset if someone suggested that my SO had cheated. Like you said, the first comment about why you couldn't stay was genuine curiosity, and now it's been made out to be like I was being suggestive.

I know I keep repeating this, but I have said many times that the only person who knows the situation is you, and that was what I really wanted to express.

In the heat of the moment I requested to delete my account because I felt embarrassed and like a bitch. But I think I will stay here. I just hope people realize that I was in no way trying to be gossipy or malicious, even if it came across that way.

[LadyMarchHare]

toggle, I understand your concern and the question of why I didn't stay at his apartment, again, was innocent. I just didn't like that cheating was brought up because one, no one wants to hear it and two, it really is a stretch. The entire time he's been in Florida he's lived with roommates, the first apartment was 6 other guys and this one's got 5 others including a couple who start drama and like I said go through his things. I honestly wouldn't have stayed there even if he thought it was OK because that's too far out of my comfort zone. I'm sorry it blew up like this and I don't want to see you or any other member leave just because I yelled and cursed. I may not be happy with some people, but I'm not malicious or wishing tumors on anyone.

[Caitlin2009]

Then name the goddamn "signs" instead of pulling accusations out your ass and hoping I see the insinuation. I'm tired of people alluding to them instead of being outright direct and telling me what their real concerns are. The only thing I'm seeing is everyone jumping to wild conclusions just because my visit didn't go as we had planned it and he unfortunately had to work.

honey we have. but anytime we do you kinda go off on us like this, im gonna ask a question and then you'll see where i go with it when you answer. did you guys leave the hotel room at anytime to go a few places?

[LadyMarchHare]

I think I mentioned somewhere, whether here or in my blog, that we stayed at the hotel when he was there with me. Thursday we'd actually gotten dressed to go somewhere but we ended up talking and towards evening he began having severe chest pains. When he left to go to the doctor I went to the nearby mall and the last two days I was there I spent at Epcot by myself, so I did go outside, just not with him. I believe it's normal for some couples to be 'lazy' the first day or two during a visit, I know others have mentioned it enough.

[tiffinnie]

Ok, I've been sitting back and gritting my teeth the whole time this post has been going and actually since you left to see him.

Whereas I had only read your replies on other peoples posts, I didn't read your blog posts until after you left and I was getting concerned that none of us had heard from you. I was searching for anything that would tell us maybe a hotel name that you were staying at, or something somewhere that would give us a way to find out of you were alright.

While reading I kinda sat back and was a little shocked at how unhappy you sound in everything. I am not in your position, so I can't just go on saying "this is why blablablah" but I can say that from what you've given us to work this puzzle, pieces seem to be missing. I really appreciate you answering all of our questions, but why does it all go back to working? How long has he worked there? I honestly believe that you need to step away from your relationship and look at it from the outside for a moment. Look at what you have shown us. While you may be very happy with him and love him and he, you... We don't see that because you don't share those moments.

The first thing that came to mind when I heard that you couldn't send him things was actually what a couple of people were saying... marriage. But then I disregarded it because I don't think you are stupid. I think you would know if he were married, lying, cheating, whatever. But I can't dismiss the fact that it DID cross my mind just by reading that... Looking for an excuse (didn't know about the flat mates that steal from each other...)

I agree with you, and others, that things could have gone much better had decisions been made to spend time that seemed like it didn't exist (sleeping at the hotel with you, breakfast, dinner... those sorts of things) but i know that money was an issue.

My hat comes off to you for taking the initiative to go there, fly, and then even leave when you did. I know I wouldn't have the guts to do that... aside from the flying part that is... and I'm absolutely thrilled that you had a great time when you were next to the man...

Our concerns may seem unjustified to you because you aren't seeing what we are. You are looking at things from inside, we are just standing outside. Working on your communication is something that really will help... not just with your relationship, but with us as well. Make it a point to tell us about the positive times... What you could do is reply to the thread and let us know the positive... Actually, I'm sure there are many of us that would love to read about it! Not to prove that you had positive moments or anything... but because we like to smile and some of us like to live vicariously through others in the good moments.

I do think that Caitlin meant well... her approach sucked, but as she said, this is just out of concern...

Not asking for justification for this, but these are a few things that stood out to me while going through and trying to figure out why everyone was in a massive uproar... (no, I'm not going to acknowledge the fact that you explained some, if not all, of these... just going to list them so you see a little of where we would initially be concerned... and these are in no order... just put out there

you cant send things to him
you go a while without talking to him
he didn't stay at the hotel, nor did he ask you to accompany him to his doctors visit, and you two didn't go outside really (thats an assumption I'm making cuz I didn't read anything about the two of you hanging out outside the hotel)
you don't hear from him on your birthday
sometimes you dont hear from him for a week at a time...
your family had concerns (even if they were wrong in doing so, its family...)
you were 14 and he was 20 when you met and while this may mean you know him so well, it also raises the question, why was a 20 year old man talking to a 14 year old girl... even if it is for RP...
he didnt sound too interested in coming to see you
you had to make the plans and do all those things alone whereas it should be a joined effort...
your communication issues, even if they are from working so much...
pessimism. big time. we don't get the good... we don't see what you're seeing... no happiness, nothing but what at times looks to be blind adoration for man (who i am not trying to chase with a torch here... just saying this is what a lot of us are seeing because this is what you are showing us)

While most of those may have answers, they would leave anyone concerned for your wellbeing in this relationship WITHOUT those answers... those added to the fact that no one knew how to get a hold of you, we were stressing...

I'm not ruling out the fact that your SO may be a great man! However, at the same time I am not ruling out the fact that he may very well be a sleezeball. Things just look very uncomfortable, forced, and odd from the outside.

You don't need to justify your actions, or what is going on between the two of you to any of us, but I'm really glad you did because things didn't look healthy without the explanations.


On a better note, what are the positive things you two got to do while you saw each other? Have you talked to him since?

Hope all is well, best wishes. Really happy that you got to see him... NEXT TIME THOUGH THERE BETTER BE PICTURES!! If it isn't worth recording, it isn't worth doing! duh! (grr i feel like i have to say 'it was totally worth doing...' but then I wouldn't get the point of the importance of pictures across to you!)

[Caitlin2009]

nope forget it.....

[tiffinnie]

im bolding that part because those are our reasons for why we are concerned, and im not buying the chest pain thing....in my opinion i think he wanted an easy way out to go back to his flat, yes ok being lazy for a few days inside is fine god knows i did and alot of people do especially if there jetlagged, thats normal but staying inside the whole time that seems more suspicous to me like he didnt really wanna be seen in public with you. you have to look at this through our point of you see where were coming from, this is why were are concerned

while harsh and worded really really fkd up... it does kinda look like that... not saying that he would be ashamed to be seen in public with you!! you are a gorgeous young woman! But I do see where that is coming from too.

Understandably you thought you would have more time to do those things so they weren't a priority of any sort... so I can see if thats why you two didn't go outside... plus his work schedule and him being exhausted...