She is hiding and keeping secrets

[dummy56]

So I've been in this LDR for almost 3 years. We have never met, but plan to meet in June. I'm insecure and she's very attractive so I feel that she can easily find any other better guy where she lives. The thing is, I know for a fact that she goes into chat rooms talking to other people and they are arranging meet ups and stuff. In the past of course these things bothered me and I probably got all suspicious and didn't react so great. I feel that this is why she doesn't want to tell me things things, so that I don't worry and go all crazy. Anyway, so she doesn't tell me that she goes into chat rooms and she doesn't tell me about any possible meet ups and such. I also found out that she made another facebook/skype account for these people that she finds online. It hurts because she wouldn't tell me and if I don't see her online, it can possibly be because she's chatting up with other guys. Also she made up a big lie that she is going to see her friend in need of help, when instead she is going on a trip to a different country with her friends(I don't know if this includes guys) but I think we can all imagine what happens when you go to a different country possibly looking for something. I mean, the idea of going to a different place for fun doesn't bother me. It's just that she hid it from me and lied about her reason for being away. Also, she tells me that she is going to sleep but in fact I see her online in the chat for another 1-2 hours! I mean she can simply tell me that she wants to do something else or she can do both. But anyway, I know it seems like I'm being selfish but I try to be understanding and of course not all of these things are pleasant, but I try to understand. She doesn't believe me anyway, so now she just hides stuff.

By the way, she doesn't know that I know any of these things. I've actually questioned and brought up stuff from the chat like if she was going to meet people and she would swear/promise to me that she wouldn't, when I see her actually inviting people to attend this meet up. She tells me that she loves me and that she isn't looking for anything. When we had an argument about this, she was on the verge of tears because I would sort of try to squeeze out the little detail hoping she would just tell me. Anyway, I smother her and this is her rebelling against me.

So everyone, especially women, I need your help! What should I do? I think I should pretend nothing is happening and just go along with what she says. I feel that if I confront her, it'll just aggravate things and drive her away. I feel that if I pretend everything is okay, maybe I'll be the same fun guy she met. She mentions how I wasn't always like this and that it's really bad and that at some point, she may leave me. She says we're good, but I don't know how much longer we can survive. I'm giving her space and pretending nothing is happening. So, will this restore her faith in telling me things? I'm not trying to forbid her to do anything, I just would like to know. I really hate that she lies/hides things from me. I know she cares about my feelings and lies like this but I think lying hurts more.

So women, what can I do to get her comfortable with telling me things? Is it that once it's gone, it's gone? Is there anything I can do? She used to tell me everything, but I guess I wouldn't take them too well so now she just doesn't tell me anything at all. It's really saddening and I want this relationship to last. We will meet in 8 months and I don't want her to lose that passion/desire by the time I go there. So I really need some help here.. thanks

[Haley53]

Honestly, if someone responds negatively or blows a situation out of proportion, then the person in that situation is unlikely to want to share it with that someone. And being maybe a little bit blunt, from what I can gather from this post alone, you do tend to let your insecurities run away with you, though correct me if I'm wrong. For example, you mentioned her going on a holiday with her friends to another country. No, she didn't tell you, but look at your assumptions.

"I don't know if it includes guys." So what if it did? Both my partner and I have opposite sex friends. It isn't like she's headed off to Italy to stay in the honeymoon suite with her best guy friend who she may have mentioned in passing but has been harbouring as a dirty little secret. She's going in a group. Whether it's a group of same sex or mixed sex friends, it shouldn't matter.

"I think we can all imagine what happens when you go to a different country possibly looking for something." You mentioned that the idea of going somewhere for the fun of it only after you mentioned this, leading me to believe that this may not be your immediate assumption, but whether or not she was honest about it from the get go, this would be a significant insecurity you'd be faced dealing with. I can assure you that I've traveled numerous places and not once has the intention been to meet someone else or have a little bit of fun in some other country. It's been to see the world and experience new places and enjoy the company of whomever I'm with, whether it's a friend, a lover, or a family member. It's about the experience, not the fact I'm going out looking for some overseas lay.

Why does she feel she has to have another Facebook/Skype account for friends that she meets? If you've verbally expressed (numerous times, not once or twice) your fear of her chatting up other people, it's possible she may want to avoid any drama it could create by meeting male friends online, or even meeting up with them in person. I imagine you wouldn't have an issue if they were female, but you're automatically assuming she's chatting people up. Is this an insecurity that persisted even when she was being open/honest with you? Again, I'm drawing on an assumption based off you saying you may not have handled things so well in the past. The same goes for her wanting to stay up another couple hours chatting, or maybe wanting some "me-time"/space from couple time. If this is something you've negatively reacted to, she may be using "I think I'm going to head off to sleep" as a way of avoiding hurting your feelings. Can't say I've never used the excuse, not with my partner, but it's not like I haven't ever told someone I was going off to bed and then stayed up another hour or so.

The way I'm feeling about this is that it's easy to get angry at someone for not telling you about this, this, or that, and to say "I wouldn't feel this way if only you'd told me...", but you have to be honest with her and with yourself. For example, something recently happened between my partner and I, and I was angry for many of the reasons stated here. I wondered why wasn't it something he told me earlier on, or why was it something he kept "hidden" (I can't say that "hiding it" from me is genuinely what went on, but that's how I've perceived it), and how I would have dealt with it, but being honest, I probably wouldn't have dealt with it any better then than I would have now. In fact, giving the timing of what's happened, I'd probably actually have reacted more violently than I did when it was finally talked about. And I need to be honest with the fact that that's an issue in me, not in him, not in our relationship, but in me.

And I think that's why I would encourage taking the time to look inside yourself and truly be honest with yourself as far as how you would have reacted if she'd told you. Try and ignore, for now, the fact she didn't tell you and that you found out by other means, and simply think about what likely would have been your response. For example, her going out of the country with friends, how would you have typically responded given your history? Write that down, then list out the underlying insecurity. Think about that insecurity and try and see if you can pinpoint where it originated. Did it come from seeing your parents in a failing marriage? From first-hand experience in a bad relationship? Does it relate to a self-esteem issue you've dealt with for years? etc. And write that out. Then write out all the reasons that she's different. Write out the pluses of your relationship. Write out how you feel would have been a logical, rational way to respond to her news, such as being excited for her for her trip with her friends. Take some time to think about what you can do to be able to reach that point. For example, maybe you write down some affirmations - "my girlfriend loves me" - when you start worrying over other guys, and so when you want to confront her about a male friend, you can take a step back, breathe, repeat the affirmation three times aloud and three times silently, and then go back to talking with her and keep it neutral/normal. You really need to start retraining your mind if you ever want this, or any relationship, to work out pleasantly and with a free path of/to communication. It's not enough to look at what you'd done in hindsight or to look at what you would have done if the opposite of what happened had happened instead; you actually need to make an active effort to work on these issues and insecurities. Even enlisting the help of a therapist could be valuable.

I would also consider confronting her. I would talk to her about what you've found out and be open with her. Tell her you want to start working on bettering yourself and your responses so that you can communicate more effectively and she'll feel safer sharing her life with you. Though I don't want to completely assume she's not in the wrong, I also don't want to say that something deeper/greater is going on here when to me, it comes off as looking like a communication problem more than anything. Frankly, I think you both need to be willing to give it a fresh start, even so far in to the relationship. I think you both need to be open to the fact that you're both human, both have human emotions, and you both make mistakes, but you also both need to put in an effort to save your communication, you in responding better and her in being honest and open. Because frankly, if she doesn't become more open/honest with you and you don't make it a safe enough space for her to do so, your relationship is going to end up going out with a bang. I honestly feel you both need to confront each other about everything, lay it all out on the table, and make a commitment to starting anew and working on improving your communication.

[Bethypoo]

So first off I want to say that you do have some insecurity issues (but we all do at one point in time or another and for various reasons) and you cannot project that on to her. That isnt fair. However, I wouldnt be comfortable with the whole chartroom thing either but if you overreact then i understand her not wanting to say anything. When you say meet ups, are these with people if the opposite sex or with other women?

You need to be upfront with her. The fact that she doesnt tell you that she is going out of the country is kind of a red flag. You need to tell her that these things make you uncomfortable. You need to let her know that you respect her privacy but that you also expect communication. Honestly, and this may seem harsh. but if I was doing those things then that would mean that i was becoming uninterested in my relationship. So you need to talk to her. Because you seem worried and suspicious but that is no way to have a relationship and she seems deceiving. So really you need to be brutally honest and upfront, because both of your behaviors are not part of a healthy relationship

[Zapookie]

Huh.. this kind of seems like an online relationship I got into in early 2009. It was only 3 months though, and not 3 years like yours.

Her behaviour is a lot similar... they would lie to me about most things, and there was nothing I could do even after I caught them out and tried to be understanding. Has she always lied about things, from the get go? Have you seen her on cam and had a skype conversation so that you know who she's who she says she is?

Is there a reason for her going on the chat? And meeting up with people? Because I guess out of respect for my partner, I would never organise a meet up online with others. 1, because I know that if my partner found out, he would be really upset and I don't ever want to hurt him like that and 2, because I don't really want to meet other people! I have my real life friends to hang out with if I so choose. Shouldn't you be be the one she needs to meet up with? Especially after 3 years.

IDK she just seems kind of sketchy to me. she cried when you brought up the issue, in a bid to make you feel bad and to start doubting your suspicions. If you confront her about it, it shouldn't drive her away if she's true to her word when she says she loves you. A loving partner will listen to you and try to talk through any issues that there may be. I think if you feel that she will leave you over something so avoidable, then you guys really need to start from square one and try to build up that foundation of trust again, because right now there's nothing.

[dummy56]

You guys all gave great responses! I am afraid to confront her because I never explicitly told her that I was watching the chatroom, but I would sort of ask/press things based on what was going on in the chat. For example, I asked her if she was going to meet any of the people. I kept questioning it and asking if there were any guys going. Of course I assured her that it'd be okay. She swears that she doesn't want to meet or get close to these people. I know I have my own problems in being so insecure. I do feel that she has become uninterested and bored. I don't know what to do. I cannot confront her about it because I've been bringing up these kinds of things too often and it really is just killing this relationship. I don't want to tell her what I know because she'll just see how bad I really am and just end it with me all together. It may sound sick, but I rather that she feel guilty and just tell me. I figure that with good behavior and stuff, she'll maybe feel guilty about lying about things and just tell me.

@Eclaire: You are absolutely right with the assumptions. I know I really am making them up. If we think about it, if it was just a bunch of women going, why wouldn't I be okay with it? I'm fine with that. But she still doesn't want to tell me. That's why I suspect there will be guys and that she's probably looking for a good lay. She can get laid easily and she is a sexual person. Like I asked her if she did in fact sleep at a certain time and she swore/promised and I knew she lied. How can I trust that she really does love me? Sure maybe she loves me and just doesn't want to hurt my feelings. But I think this is just a terrible way to go about it. I remember during one of our arguments, she yelled about how I would press things on her saying that she was doing things when she really wasn't and it makes her feel like not telling me anything anymore. Of course at the end of the argument after things were said, I asked if she would still tell me stuff and she said she will. Clearly another lie. I know I have to trust her, but it's hard to trust after all these lies. I mean imagine her to be so upset/annoyed with me that she just goes and does all of these things that would make me uncomfortable, just to spite me. Of course, I'd have no way of knowing since she wouldn't tell me, so what harm is done? Really, there isn't any harm done. We've done "fresh starts" numerous times after we had arguments when I realized she was in the chat room and I kept pressing for details. The reason I pressed for it was so that hopefully she would just say what was really going on, I'll be understanding, and just hopefully everything will be okay. I know I probably wouldn't react so nicely, but right now, this fresh start will be me pretending nothing is going on so hopefully she'll tell me things again.

@Bethypoo, she knows what I expect and want, but she still wouldn't tell me anything if it would hurt my feelings. I mean I think this is understandable but I think it's just terrible that she is doing this. I mean in the beginning she would really tell me everything. It was great and everything was better. But I think when I start bothering her about the chat details she just sort of decided to shut down and information for me. I don't want to confront her about it because I know it'll make things worse and she'll never tell me.

@Zapookie: The chat thing was something she always did. She is very sociable and likes to just talk with other people. She likes going out so these meet ups would give her that chance. She tells me that she doesn't want to meet these other people and has no interest in them, but in fact she's the one inviting these guys to a meet up.

How can we start back at square one? Our current fresh start is me just being fine with everything and I'm not accusing her of anything. Even though she isn't telling me anything, I just want to not touch the subject of her hiding/lying or me pretending to be fine with everything. So honestly, would this help? Is there any other way to not bring this up and still get her comfortable with me again? She tells me she isn't looking for anyone and that nothing can happen. Well here's a detail that says otherwise. When I met her online, she was involved with someone and eventually things changed and there were feelings. So in fact, things can happen, especially with her. So what can I do? I don't want to bring up the bad stuff because our last conversation went rather well, it was fun and full of laughter (hopefully real ones on her end). I think if I can keep getting her to smile that it'll be like when we first started. Everything was fine and she wouldn't go into the chat. She preferred me and would tell me everything, even when she did go to the chat.

Anyway, I know confronting her and telling her everything would maybe clear things up, but I've brought things up too many times that really is just annoying. I practically said that she was going to go and meet people and would tell me she wasn't and that I'm saying she is doing things that she isn't doing. I'm trying to give her space, but I don't know what good that's going to do. I think it'll just make it easier for her to just lie and go on with her life. Anymore experiences similar to this would be great. Is it possible to salvage this relationship without talking about it? Maybe time would heal the damage and things will go back to normal again?

[dummy56]

I cannot confront her. It would be taking steps back. We agreed to tell each other everything and that I would be understanding and that I'd stop with the bad behavior. She knows it won't happen overnight but claims she still tells me everything. So I feel like I just need to just behave and hope she'll feel better about me. I think right now, she's more annoyed than anything. Women, how would I get you to tell me everything? Is there any hope? Or is it sort of over in terms of not getting any details and that there will be a lot of hiding and lies?

[Engel]

You guys all gave great responses! I am afraid to confront her because I never explicitly told her that I was watching the chatroom, but I would sort of ask/press things based on what was going on in the chat. For example, I asked her if she was going to meet any of the people. I kept questioning it and asking if there were any guys going. Of course I assured her that it'd be okay. She swears that she doesn't want to meet or get close to these people. I know I have my own problems in being so insecure. I do feel that she has become uninterested and bored. I don't know what to do. I cannot confront her about it because I've been bringing up these kinds of things too often and it really is just killing this relationship. I don't want to tell her what I know because she'll just see how bad I really am and just end it with me all together. It may sound sick, but I rather that she feel guilty and just tell me. I figure that with good behavior and stuff, she'll maybe feel guilty about lying about things and just tell me.

that is just wrong, dont put up with that behavior. If I were you, I would be walking out the door.
is it worhty that in the future, when she says she isnt doing anything, and you cant find anything she is doing, to be all the time: and if she is still doing it and i just didnt find out?

noone deserves to live in fear of their partner cheating or going behind their back in other ways like she is making you feel.

i think this isnt a helathy relationship.

Huh.. this kind of seems like an online relationship I got into in early 2009. It was only 3 months though, and not 3 years like yours.

Her behaviour is a lot similar... they would lie to me about most things, and there was nothing I could do even after I caught them out and tried to be understanding. Has she always lied about things, from the get go? Have you seen her on cam and had a skype conversation so that you know who she's who she says she is?

Is there a reason for her going on the chat? And meeting up with people? Because I guess out of respect for my partner, I would never organise a meet up online with others. 1, because I know that if my partner found out, he would be really upset and I don't ever want to hurt him like that and 2, because I don't really want to meet other people! I have my real life friends to hang out with if I so choose. Shouldn't you be be the one she needs to meet up with? Especially after 3 years.

IDK she just seems kind of sketchy to me. she cried when you brought up the issue, in a bid to make you feel bad and to start doubting your suspicions. If you confront her about it, it shouldn't drive her away if she's true to her word when she says she loves you. A loving partner will listen to you and try to talk through any issues that there may be. I think if you feel that she will leave you over something so avoidable, then you guys really need to start from square one and try to build up that foundation of trust again, because right now there's nothing.

and I agree with that.

[dummy56]

@Engel, I think since I've been all suspicious and paranoid I look bad and she is annoyed with me. Therefore, I think she feels that she doesn't feel like she should tell me anything. That is why I think if I behave better/loving/not crazy, she'll love me again and maybe just tell me. I want to know how likely or if that will even work. That's why I was going for the guilt. I mean I am okay with her having guy friends, I just would like to know. If she keeps it a secret is seems suspicious.

She did try to see me. She got rejected a U.S. visa twice. These people that she's going to meet all live in the same city. That is why it's much easier for her to just go and meet with these people instead of meeting me. She did try. In June, I will go and see her and I feel confident I'll get the visa. I just hope she wants to see me as much as I want to see her. Things are shaky, and I don't know how much longer it will last.

I feel that I need to sort of "sweep her off her feet" again so that she doesn't feel the need to go into a chat so that she is satisfied by my company, like she used to feel. So women, if I give her space and not go all crazy, would it restore the love and get her honest again?

[Miramaid]

I did not read all the responses, but you act just like my SO used to act. I can not imagine dealing with this for 3 years tho. Your GF must REALLY love you to deal with this crap.
You have major insecurities. And if you continue like that she will continue hiding things from you and she will in fact leave you eventually. No one wants to be in a relationship when their SO is constantly watching them, what they do why and with whom, constantly assuming unfaithfulness, and interrogating with questions to get the truth out. The more you do that the more you push her away. You are acting like a police trying to collect evidence of a crime!
My SO used to do the same and honestly if he did not stop I would not be with him now. And we have been together 1.5 years, not 3. He used to interrigate me with questions about every single guy on my facebook and would demand that I only add new friends on my FB if I have knows them for half a year in some regular life setting (not met at a social function or something), he would throw tantrums that I give out all my private life information to people (read:guys) and by "private information" he meant FB, he would go nuts over me staying on skype after I had already talked to him (or FB chat) and because I KNEW HE ALWAYS ASSUMES I TALK TO GUYS I would just hide from him on FB so I can talk to my friends or mom in peace (some of them live in different countries, so there is a time difference) and he would hid from me on chat to "catch" me. I would lie to him about staying on chat to not stir up a conflict and not have to look at his frown face and listen to his ridiculous assumptions that i talk to other men (and constantly having to defend my chat or facebook activities even thought I know I do nothing wrong, but he ALREADY is afraid that I do do something bad). It first of all hurts as hell, second you feel like you can only talk to your own friends or family when your boyfriend allows you to and you always have to tell him who you talked to why and about what (I really assume you do that to your GF as well).

I do not like what my SO did to get over his crazes, but at least FB and chats is no longer out issue. He deleted me from his FB so he doesn't see what is going on (before that he asked me if I could block him from seeing my wall and friends so he is not tempted to look at it, but it did not help him because of chat - he still was aggravated if he thought i was on chat too much). Also we are no longer on skype. We talk on the phone and text and that is all we have been doing for 3 months now. Things have gotten better, but to be honest it hurts me what my SO did because I want to be on his FB and I want him to be on mine, and I sure want to skype sometimes. And I think we will come to it eventually again. But we no longer have conflicts over FB or chat.

So you may talk to her and honestly tell her that there are way too many things that bother you and you want to work on it and do what my SO did. Or you may go to counseling to boost your self-esteem and talk it out and find a reason why you are so extremely jealous and insecure and work on those reasons. Read self help books and google "how to boost self-esteem"
And good luck!

[dummy56]

@miramaid: Thank you for that story! You are absolutely right that I do have low self-esteem. I am working on that. You were in the similar situation as my SO, so I hope I can ask you a few questions because I think your answers would be really helpful. So your SO would interrogate you and everything and that led you to hide things from him. After he cooled off with the interrogating and stuff, do you still hide stuff such as talking to your friends instead,etc? My behavior only started a few months ago. It got really bad when she started going into the chat. I just want to know that if I fix my behavior, will things become good again? Will she be honest with me? Is there anything else I can do besides stop interrogating her? Did his behavior ever make you think about cheating and just not telling him? Is the trust ever restored? I want her to be able to tell me things, will this ever be possible? She used to do this but since I haven't reacted so pleasantly, she doesn't tell me things anymore.

So what else can I do to repair/fix things and to improve them? I wonder, will we ever be the same again? Is all hope lost? Can the early levels of intimacy/desire be attained again? Miramaid, your response was great, it really gave me some insight to the things she must be thinking about. Again I cannot talk to her about it, because I've done that already too many times and that would be like interrogating her again. So what kind of behavioral things can I do?

[Malaga]

There is very little trust between you two. Any relationship where people feel like they have to lie to each other for any reason is not a healthy relationship and there are serious issues there. Lying, hiding and spying are only the symptoms.

You're not going to get anywhere if you insist on answers. If you want to save the relationship, I suggest that instead of focusing on what she does, you guys focus on why do you feel like you can't trust each other. You can open up about your insecurities and try to understand each other. Take responsibility for your insecurities, don't blame each other. For example, why do you think she's looking for a better guy than you? Why do you feel you're not good enough for her? Those are issues you have to focus on.

Maybe then she'll feel free to come forward with her own insecurities, like why is she so afraid of conflict that she rather lies and hides stuff from you.

Maybe it works, maybe it doesn't. If it doesn't, at least you'll have done something for yourself with this self-analysis.

Good luck! x

[dummy56]

@Malaga: Well she really doesn't want to hurt my feelings. We having waiting for so long for our meeting and I don't think she would want to do anything to jeopardize that. So she keeps her stuff a secret and I think that's so she can have her own little fun and do her own things. Of course it would make anyone feel uncomfortable that she wants to go into chats and go meeting strangers online. She assures me nothing can possibly happen (she promises - but she also promised she would go to sleep.. but apparently meant 2 hours after she stopped talking to me). Anyway, she's very attractive and with the distance she doesn't get to experience anything physical and I think she is just looking for that excitement. I wish I could be there, I really do. It's just that I'm in the middle of classes so I can't just take the time off to see her. But when I do see her I plan to stay with her for 17 days. Hopefully that'll make up for lost time. For now, I think by telling her how the chat/lying bothers me, means that she'll only have to lie/hide things better because no matter what, she will do what she wants. And that's her right as a person.

I have been controlling and this is her fighting back. Any way to neutralize the situation?

[Miramaid]

After he cooled off with the interrogating and stuff, do you still hide stuff such as talking to your friends instead,etc?

Yes I did and still do sometimes because it has not been too long for me to be absolutely sure that he will not blow up on me for no reason. But me and him had honest talks and on my part I try to tell him things even if they may not be something he wants to hear AND I learn and try to say them in a way that is not offensive. But still I do not always feel like telling him EVERYTHING because of how he used to (for quite a while) react. Also because change doesn't happen overnight and he still has moments when he blows up. So we take things slow. But I see that he is trying and that helps.

will things become good again? Will she be honest with me? Is there anything else I can do besides stop interrogating her?

I can not answer how things will be because no one knows the future. But you said that you guys have been together 3 years and I assume you have always been quite jealous and insecure (not that other people are not jealous and insecure, but there are degrees to everything). So do not expect that change will come overnight. It will take time.
I think you should talk to her and honestly tell her that you have been thinking about your relationship and realized that there are things that you could do better and tell her that you are going to work on them and ask her to help if you ever need help. And keep your word.

Did his behavior ever make you think about cheating and just not telling him? Is the trust ever restored?

No I never thought of cheating on him. I am not that kind of person. Never cheated and never would. But not everyone is like me. People are different.
As for trust, I believe trust can be restored if two people want it to be restored and work on it. I really believe it can.

I want her to be able to tell me things, will this ever be possible?

Why not? I think so. When you calm down and gain some confidence and wont have a need to know about every step she makes and will not make her feel like you constantly suspect her, she will tell you things.

So what else can I do to repair/fix things and to improve them?

I already mentioned counseling and talking to your GR and reading about self-esteem. I can advise you to get a book called "7 dumbest relationship mistakes smart people make". I am sure you will find it interesting and helpful.

I wonder, will we ever be the same again? Is all hope lost?

My counselor told me once "relationship is never over as long as at least one person still loves". Do not give up easily. Fix your mistakes. I am sure she makes her own, but you can't fix hers. Fix yours. Hope never dies. I do not think you will be the same, but you can be better: more mature and even closer together because you have encountered a problem, FACED it and RESOLVED it instead of giving up.

Can the early levels of intimacy/desire be attained again?

I think relationships grow and evolve and everyone knows that the butterflies you feel in the beginning do not last forever. It doesn't mean relationship is over (tho for some people it does). It means you either break up because you want the butterflies again, or you grow up and take your relationship one step further towards more mature love, deeper intimacy and responsibility. I think that is when people understand that they want to spend the rest of their life with each other. If they ever take that next step and work through the issues on the way.

[dummy56]

@Miramaid: you are awesome for answering those questions for me! I know it'll take a long time for her to feel better about telling me things again. It's just that she is going on a trip (that she didn't tell me about and lied to me about) and I'm just afraid of the things that might happen especially in the clubs since she's a big club goer. I guess I'll never know what will happen there. It's just funny how she seems to see this whole thing as strictly my fault. Like she seems to not see a problem in lying to me. Especially when I interrogate so hard that it's pretty clear that I know there was something. She just stands her ground and lies right to me. I just don't see how trust can be restored. There's like a snowball effect with each lie after lie and just not wanting to hurt my feelings. To be honest, it's much better that she tells me that she's chatting/going on a trip instead of hiding it. Of course I would ask about it and stuff so I suppose she's just trying to avoid that conversation. So should I just avoid even asking about her day and what she did? I was thinking that if I kept asking it and always acting fine, that eventually she'll see that there is nothing bad to worry about on my part so maybe she'd be comfortable telling me. Heh, I almost feel like she's giving up. I know she is just sort of sticking around for our meeting, but she is does seem to rather avoid things and just forget about it. Although, she won't seem to forget how I react to unpleasant things. I think she enjoyed the butterflies. Without the butterflies, things don't seem as much fun and I guess just makes it easier to call it quits.

Well you guys have all been great. Let's see how this laying off will do. I just wish she would just tell me about that trip, because I know clubbing can lead to bad things. I guess by her telling me, it will hurt less when I find out..

[Miramaid]

Well to ease your mind about clubs...You should know your woman by now. Three years is a long time.
I am not a club person but I remember he went to a club and I was worried too, but I can not tell him not to go. He is an adult.
I went to a club too that day. And there were guys at the club of course and one of them wanted to mess around with me with possible continuation afterwards. I said to him "I have a boyfriend. If you want to get some tonight it will not be with me". How do you know your GF wouldn't do that?

Trust your girlfriend. If she is unfaithful it will come out sooner or later, but so far you have no reason to interrogate her like that. Just enjoy each other like you used to, give each other surprises, leave cute messages. And avoid drama.
no need to "act" like everything is fine. If you worry tell her calmly that something is bothering you. CALMLY and without demanding anything on her part, but just letting her know. She will most likely try to reassure you so when she does just believe her. No one would be in 3 years of long distance relationship with a controlling guy if there was no love. She loves you. So just focus on that and on your visit. Do something nice for her.
And TALK to her. Seems like you do not talk as you should. Good luck!