Jealous of non- international LDRs

[ThePiedPiper]

If the only way to close the distance with my SO were to do a fiance/spousal in the U.S., I would do it. I think Tooki's point was not to be patronizing but to say that there might be other options Hollandia has not looked into. I do live in the U.S., have done extensive research on the process, and see nothing wrong with Tooki's suggestions. :/

[DiorAllure]

I also never told or directed Hollandia into doing a particular thing. Don't tell me that I did.

Did I?

[Tooki]

If the only way to close the distance with my SO were to do a fiance/spousal in the U.S., I would do it. I think Tooki's point was not to be patronizing but to say that there might be other options Hollandia has not looked into. I do live in the U.S., have done extensive research on the process, and see nothing wrong with Tooki's suggestions. :/

Even excluding US immigration, as he is EU there could be an option to live in another country that offers more realistic immigration conditions for Hollandia.

[ThePiedPiper]

Even excluding US immigration, as he is EU there could be an option to live in another country that offers more realistic immigration conditions for Hollandia.

^ This too.

[lucybelle]

Well, this blew up. I don't want to get into any fights with anyone, but Hollandia, I feel you and totally get what you're saying. I think people are overreacting a bit.

Also, Tooki... I can see you and your SO are from Australia/Estonia. I don't know if you have any experience with US immigration, but if you do not, your comments along the lines of, "why don't you just ____, have you looked into ____" (especially when advice was not invited), are quite patronizing. The US is probably one of the most difficult countries to get into. We don't have things like working tourist visas here.

I'm currently in the visa process to move back to the USA with my SO. Is it hard? Yes. Is it impossible? No. Moving to the USA legally is definitely an option for closing the distance.

[DiorAllure]

If the only way to close the distance with my SO were to do a fiance/spousal in the U.S., I would do it. I think Tooki's point was not to be patronizing but to say that there might be other options Hollandia has not looked into. I do live in the U.S., have done extensive research on the process, and see nothing wrong with Tooki's suggestions. :/

Fair enough. Nothing wrong with the suggestions except the context of this conversation. Unsolicited advice always has a danger of coming off as patronizing.

[DiorAllure]

Although I'm aware no one is asking for my opinion, in conclusion (and then I'm out of here), I feel like this thread began as "Hey, I'm in a difficult situation, does anyone understand how I feel?" and has now turned into "No, you're just doing it wrong."

[kittyo9]

I get what you are saying and I agree with you Lyon. Costs are cut dramatically if you have somebody in another country and there is more of a connection with your SO's home city/town/country because you can share their experiences.

Also for many of us kitty, we CAN travel more often because of our partner. I really do feel for your situation but have you tried to appreciate Peru. I know many who have been throughout South America and they loved it. I want to go there as well.

Yeah, I came off as more abrasive than I intended, sorry lyonsgirl's post kinda rubbed me the wrong way because it was phrased in such a "Get over it and pay attention to me!" way. I think the point I was trying to relay is that I don't think it's fair to completely invalidate the really important (legally, financially, and emotionally) issues that an international couple-- especially those between countries that do not always get along well-- needs to deal with because you think it's fun to travel.

I do appreciate Peru for its unique culture, food, and people. Despite that, there are still many elements that make it a place that I am uncomfortable in, and because of issues I've mentioned before, I will need to return again if I want to see my SO. Regardless, I did not suddenly gain the ability to travel by entering into a relationship with my SO, and I don't feel like I need to validate any desire to travel, contrary to the way that lyonsgirl feels. What is a perk is having someone there already to act as tour guide and host, which can reduce costs, as you've stated, and I've said before on this forum that that is one of the nice things about having an international LDR, but that does not mean that those issues are any less meaningful or real, or that I cannot wish that things were simpler while at the same time appreciating the uniqueness of my relationship. In that regard, I do not see envy as a negative attribute; I see it as a natural reaction to challenging circumstances.

[Hollandia]

Yes, I never asked for any advice and made a blanket statement that when you say you are you still wish you had what they had you were showing signs of jealousy. I think perhaps the correct term is envious if that makes you all feel better. Semantics are a bitch.

The rest of my personal specifics is mine and not intended to be a a part of this thread. Tooki, made it so. I answered his response. I also agree that assuming you know more about my country is pretty patronizing. I did not make this political, I said for no reason what-so-ever I resent the barriers that prevent international LDRs from being together. I am not 20 something and for those that are to make assumptions and judgements about how they would feel in this situation is also just plain wrong.

I asked how other international LDRs felt in their situations. I stated I was looking to gather this information to work through the feelings I have about it. I did not expect to be judged for it. I did not expect to have to explain my feelings about it. I did not expect to have my personal situation poked and examined.

If you don't feel any feelings of resentment, that is great. If you do, then you too have a human flaw like myself. I am sure MOST would be afraid to admit it now that they might fear being put over hot coals for saying it like me. That btw is starting to feel like bullying. Well done. Thanks for destroying some of my faith in asking for help here.

[Tooki]

Yeah, I came off as more abrasive than I intended, sorry lyonsgirl's post kinda rubbed me the wrong way because it was phrased in such a "Get over it and pay attention to me!" way. I think the point I was trying to relay is that I don't think it's fair to completely invalidate the really important (legally, financially, and emotionally) issues that an international couple-- especially those between countries that do not always get along well-- needs to deal with because you think it's fun to travel.

I do appreciate Peru for its unique culture, food, and people. Despite that, there are still many elements that make it a place that I am uncomfortable in, and because of issues I've mentioned before, I will need to return again if I want to see my SO. Regardless, I did not suddenly gain the ability to travel by entering into a relationship with my SO, and I don't feel like I need to validate any desire to travel, contrary to the way that lyonsgirl feels. What is a perk is having someone there already to act as tour guide and host, which can reduce costs, as you've stated, and I've said before on this forum that that is one of the nice things about having an international LDR, but that does not mean that those issues are any less meaningful or real, or that I cannot wish that things were simpler while at the same time appreciating the uniqueness of my relationship. In that regard, I do not see envy as a negative attribute; I see it as a natural reaction to challenging circumstances.

That's understandable. I don't think that lyon meant what she said in that way. There are difficulties with travelling, no matter the situation.

I see envy as a negative attribute if it's hampering you from enjoying your relationship to any degree.

Hollandia: Fair enough, I already explained why I asked. If you don't want to go into those details, that's all good. I also did not patronise you at all and I'm glad that TPP understood why I asked what I did.

[Zephii]

This thread got interesting Lots of good stuff here! I think people have a lot of good points.

Lyons - you're totally right. It does give travel opportunities that otherwise wouldn't be there. I mean, when I think of tourism, I'd never have thought "I should see Canada" so being with Obi really opened that up for me. The only drawback is that for the rest of our lives money that would have gone on family holidays to cool places will now go on seeing family in our off-country. But hey, I think the advantages for our dual-citizen kidlets will outweigh that.

Moon and LB have been overflowing with wisdom in this thread too. But hey, you know how awesome you are.

I think, when it comes down to it, happiness is a state of mind.

You can choose to get all bent out of shape about being international or you can realise that this is how it is. You can say to yourself "I chose this international romance and I'm going to roll with it" rather than being miserable and inviting other people to come wallow in self pity with you.

Boarder security are just people doing their jobs, no good comes from hating on them. Yes, they are fucking scary, but they are just people with families like the rest of us. The Australian visa process isn't half as easy as you seem to think it is, either. If you want to close the distance long term, there is going to be hoop-jumping. In America, it seems to be the need to get married, in Costa Rica is seems to be the shit mail system and the need to bribe everyone (or is that Mali? lol) In Australia, if you don't want to marry, you have to find a way to live together for a year first and then you sell a kidney to pay the fees.
Everyone's got it rough in some way or another. But we're here because we chose it, because we decided that our SOs were more important than anything else.

You can wallow in that and let it bring you down, or you can man-up to the challenge. This isn't a game of who has it harder, but if you want it to be, consider someone's relationship who does have it harder. Like, pick two countries that don't recognize homosexual marriages and then imagine being gay and trying to close the distance.

It's hard, but it's not impossible. You can choose to be happy, if you want to.

[Jazi]

Zephii - Holy hell girl.. not only did EVERYTHING you just said resonate with me and what I believe but it felt like you just swooped in and defused all the tension in here

[mllebamako]

the need to bribe everyone (or is that Mali? lol)

Oh yeah, that's definitely Mali
Anyway, yes to everything Zephii said! And I agree that, although the US immigration laws are a huge pain in the ass, I don't know if they are the "worst". I know that Australia and certain EU countries are no cakewalks.

The grass may appear to be greener on the other side, but everyone's situation is different and every relationship has it's unique challenges. Everyone is entitled to feel jealousy or envy of others and their relationships. But I think that energy is much better spent improving things on your side of the fence: planting beautiful tulips and watering your dried-out grass

[milaya]

Oh yeah, that's definitely Mali
Anyway, yes to everything Zephii said! And I agree that, although the US immigration laws are a huge pain in the ass, I don't know if they are the "worst". I know that Australia and certain EU countries are no cakewalks.

Would just like to quote this for truth. I do think especially the US sounds hard and I've got in kind of easy when it comes to Japan - as long as we're married - I can get a free spouse-visa in less than 22 hours. BUT!.... The Danish immigration laws (a part of the EU) are surely no walk in the park!
First of all, even though we're married there is no chance for my SO to get a visa before I'm 24 years old (24-year-rule). Then we have a awesome system called "the point system", meaning they give the person who want to immigrate points for, education, language ability and previous work experience. No points for education unless you've attended university more than 4 years. They'll often also request for a Danish language test (which is in high school level Danish). That's just some of the things I ran into, when we tried getting my SO to Denmark (while I continued my university education). We gave up and I'm moving to Japan next year instead.

I just wanted to say that there's a lot of tough immigration rules out there. And they're all there for a reason. The Danish immigration rules are designed to prevent a lot of arranged marriages. Since before the 24-year rule there was a big problem with young girls with middle eastern heritage living in Denmark, getting forced by their parents to marry somebody from their home country (like their cousin and such) and then that way give the person a easy way into Denmark.

[milaya]

I would also rather not have to travel to a country whose climate I can't stand and whose language I don't speak, where I am a target for solicitation and theft, just to see my SO. It's not a privilege that you only get by dating someone from another country. You can always take a vacation to another country with your SO.

I just wanted to add, that these are pretty much some of the things you'll experience when traveling - not just Peru. There's a lot of though climates out there (very cold, burning hot and humid as hell are just some of them), if you travel a lot you're pretty much also bound to end up in countries where you don't speak the language, that's part of the cultural experience and unfortunately in some countries you have to keep your wallet safe. That's just how it is.
I speak the language of my SO's country and it's one of the safest countries in the world, but I hate their extremely hot and humid summers and all the huge alien-like insects that comes with it. I have to undergo therapy for my Spider phobia to be able to live in Japan.
But I've travelled a lot (more than 15 countries in the last few years), so there's been awful climates and lots of languages I can't speak - but it's an experience and may be a good memory if you embrace it

Have you thought about learning Spanish? if the language part bothers you. Most people pretty much declares that language the easiest to learn (baed on the study hours needed.)